stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. welcome to the late show. thanking, everybody. you know i'm so excited. i'm your host stephen colbert and tonight whether or not you are aware of it is a momentous occasion because this is our 50th esode. (cheers and applause) that's nice, 50, of course, is the golden anniversary so i bought everyone on my staff their very own gold bond medicated powder. (laughter) how you feeling, john? >> dry and refreshed! >> stephen: that means it's working. all right. 50 episodes. i can't believe we reached the big 5-0 in just ten weeks to put that in perspective, it took new year's rockin' eve 50 years to reach 50 episodes. maws plaws that's a hell of a pace. of course this is really about you and me, audience and host, 50 whole episodes together and after all that time, i got to say, there's still a spark. i mean 50. i can't believe we stiti dot every night. i don even mind that sometimes halfway th

thank you, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you. what's going on, john? what's going on john? what's going on dante? hey! welcome! welcome to "the late show." thank so much, everybody. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! thanks, everybody. thanks so much. thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show" starring stephen colbert. i am he. i'm glad you're all sitting down because i have some disturbing news to report about our president. i'm sorry to say this. but i want to talk specifically about his inability to keep track of the conflicts between bloodthirsty leaders in the unstable region of westeros. ( laughter ) in an interview in "g.q.," president obama claims he loves "game of thrones," but he has trouble remembering the names of any of the characters. in fact-- this is true-- when they asked him his favorite character he said-- and i quote-- "my favorite character is probably the dwarf. what's his name?" the house lannister. youngest son of lord tywin lannister, one-time richest man in the seven kingdoms and lord param

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, everybody. thank you so much. what energy. enormous amount of energy in the ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: rising up. welcome, thank you so much. why not? thank you. welcome to "the late show" thank so much for being here. i'm stephen colbert. thanks for being here. i hope you have a good time here tonight. we enjoy doing this show for you every night. we have a good time on the show. more importantly, in ways you don't get to see, we enjoy making the show every day. and this part of the show that we're doing, the top of the show, we usually write in my office around noon every day. and i understand when your office sits above times square, like mine does, there's going to be noise. as a new yorker, i'm totally honking, sirens, times square elmo fights, gun shots, wounded times square elmos begging for help-- the usual new york stuff. but today i got to say new york took it up a notch. an unholy wail started from the street that sounded like a goose making love to a smoke detector. ( laughter ) i don't know i

thank you, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you very much. everybody. please! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." >> welcome, everybody. you get the greetings when you come out, and you're on the tv, everybody thinks you're a tv star and don't do your own grocery shopping, but that's not true. i was at the grocery store just today doing an emergency food run. it was 10:00 a.m., and we were out of oreos. so i'm in the supermarket, and i see all the standard varieties of oreos on the shelves: original, chocolate cream, peanut butter cream, gingerbread, candy corn, blazin' jalapeno, pine fresh. all of them. it's true. then i came across a kind of oreos i'd never seen before. they're called "oreo thins." they're like-- okay, all right. they're like-- very divided room about the oreo thin. ( laughter ) they're like regular oreos but with thinner cookies and less cream. now oreo thin sounds-- listen, listen, we have to live together as a nation. oreo thin sounds like a diet product, but it's not. kind of like bacon bits-- also not a

stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, that's nice. wow, wow, that is a powerful force to call upon. i didn't realize y'all were ready to go to war at anan time. first up, i'll be sitting down with oscar-winning&director spike e. ( cheers and applause ) is it the shoes? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: nobody-- nobody tellss spike. thinkss he's at a knicks game right now. and i'll be talking to bravo's amazing andy cohen. those of you in the know, know that he is the ban ki-moon of real how's wives. but if nee-nee asks, he was not here, and i only didn't invite her because i thought kendra might come, and i do not have time for that drama. then i'll be talking with legendary singer-songwriter carly simon. ( cheers and applause ) mock-ing-bird. carly's got a new memoir, and she's so vain i bet she thinks that book is about her. don't you! don't you! that sound right there, ladies and gentlemen, is jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) they're ababt to do that thing.. but before t ty do it, one more thing: a dri

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thank you so much. thanks so much for being here. ( cheers and applause ) wooo! wooo! welcome to "the late show." ( cheers and applause ) hey! thanks so much for being here. thanks so much for being with us tonight. i'm your host, stephen colbert. you know, check your calendars, everybody. thanksgiving is just around the corner. and you're coming to my house for dinner this year, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: and your folks are going to come? >> that's right. >> stephen: are you allergic to anything? >> no, i just like the cranberry sauce. >> stephen: i do, too. i like slipping it out of can. i like the kind you can slice out of the can. very close to play-doh. and i'm doing the cooking at the house this year. this is true. i'm a little worried because there is a turkey shortage. did you guys know that? it's all because-- you can look this up, not right now, but avian few-- flu-- few-- i think i've got it. i've got tongue flu right now. there is an outbreak of deadly avian flu that killed eight million tu

stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." thank so much! thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show." it's so wonderful to have you all here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. i want to address-- thank you very much. i want to address something right off the bean at the top of the show. you may have heard that our friend justin beiber was supposed to be on the show tonight. unfortunately, justin had to postpone his appearance for personal reasons. i hope everything's okay. no, no. listen, whatever it is. we hope everything is okay. he did the right thimg and he tweeted to my show's twitter account this: "my apologies to @colbertlateshow as i won't be able to make it to n.y.c. tomorrow for the show. i look forward to making it up to you soon." he's saying sorry. no, no, no, he's canadian. so-- ( laughter ) when he says he's "sohrry," i believe him. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) no! it's a sacred-- that is a sacred trust in canada. so i believe him. m

whoooment cheersz plaws (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen. >> stephen: thank you so much. wow! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome to the late show, everybody. thank you so much! thanks, everybody. i'm stephen colbert. everybody have a good weekend? i spent mine very productively. i organized some closets. i made some swedish meatballs. and i san lyzed the new japanese star wars trailer. you guys see the new star wars trailer? a lot of new footage in there that they didn't put in the american trailer. for instance, we see a lot of the new droid bb-8. he's a little beeping robot gyroscopic sphere. i don't know where he comes from, but my theory r2-d2 had sex with a yoga ball. (laughter) get that into your head. get that image in your head. and there's a great shot of the fighters racing off the millennium falcon. the new star troopers have flame throwers. i predict this year's hot christmas gift will be a lighter and a can of hair spray. (laughter) although, don't try that at we also get a much better view of kylo ren's fancy new thre

stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you. stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you, thanks, everybody, thanks, in here, out there, all around the world, thanks for being here tonight. welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. i hope you had a good weekend, though given what is going on in the world, that's a tall order. i wanted to start my show tonight by once again offering our thoughts and prayers to the people of paris. new york is a city that sadly knows too well the horror the french experienced on friday. and we also know there are no words that can reach the depths of their grieve and their shock. but we stand with the people of france as a friend and an ally and offer the hope that there is a way through the unspeakable tragedy. and also let's take the opportunity to thank france for what they've done for us. they've given the united states so much over the years, aid to general washington i

(laughter) (applause) >> stephen. >> stephen: yeah? >> do you think that we could just be living in a dream right now? >> stephen: no. no, i don't think so because my dreams don't have to stop for commercials. (cheers and applause) phil! oh no... (under his breath) hey man! hey peter. (unenthusiastic) oh... ha ha ha! joanne? is that you? it's me... you don't look a day over 70. am i right? jingle jingle. if you're peter pan, you stay young forever. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. you make me feel so young... it's what you do. you make me feel so spring has sprung. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, jon batiste and stay human, everybody. jon, thank you for that, that was very generous,. >> jon: yes, indeed. >> stephen: do you have a minute, come over here and let's talk for a minute. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: jon batiste, everybody. (applause). >> stephen: jon, i love the music, thanks for being my band leader, having a good time over there. >> good job, man, it pays

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much for being here. i'm very grateful for your presence. thank you for my book. welcome to "the late show"." thanks so much, everybody. welcome to "the legislator show." 're. i'm your host, a miniature stephen colbert who lives inside your tv. when the tv goes off, i can still see you, just like your x-box. no judgement, except for that wouldone thing you do, grow up. thank you for what i'm going to trust was your sincere applause just a moment ago. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. i appreciate it. i love it. i just want to make sure it's not the mindless cheering of a horde of robots, because it's hard to tell who are the people and who are the robots. that's how fast the robots are progressing. and i fear the eventual enslavement of the human race by the metal men. i know what you're saying: oh, they'll never do that. teddy ruxpin was my friend. no, he wasn't. and neither was tickle me elmo. that was just putting a muppet face on our cybernetic o

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!ank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you my people! thank you, my friends. thank you my tv family! welcome to the late show. please, thanks so much. folks, thank you for being here, welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. and i'm feeling good. i'm feeling alive! i feel good. i feel alive and refreshed. today. because yesterday was fall-back day. you know, when daylight savings time ends. byes way, i hope everybody took full advantage of daylight savings time this summer and got your crops in or-- (laughter) i assume that's what it's for. i'm not sure why they do it. anyway, whoever controls time, i'm going to say stephen hawking, once again yesterday gave us another hour to sleep on sunday. (applause) that is just-- oh, oh, i am not sure, i'm not sure where they get that hour to give to us on sundays. maybe they take it, you know, they take it from us in the spring. you know

thank you, ceelo. >> jon: yeah, baby. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thank you so much. that feels good. that feels good. did you see the show last night we have-- we had our friend bill marh on the show last night. and we had probably one of my favorite interviews we've ever had on the show. and out of all, like, 45 shows or something like that. and he's incredible. but we did, like, 16 or 18 minutes of interview, or something like that. am i right? and we had to cut, like, six minutes out of it because we had ( applause ) but if you liked the interview, unedited on the web site. go to colbertlateshow.com and you can watch the whole thing. it's really good. really enjoyable. you should go check it out. thanks for coming bill. if you watch this show-- and if you're watching me right now, i assume you do-- you know i'm a huge fan of "star wars." ( cheers and applause ) i'm even willing to overlook the fact that since there are a lot of stars but only one war, technically it should be called "stars' war." okay? i'm going to

: thank you. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you. mark ruffalo, ladies and gentlemen. ( applause )before there could be a nation, there had to be people willing to fight for it, to take on the world's greatest challenges, whatever they might be. so, the u.s. army masters not only tactics and strategy, but also physics and chemistry. we make battle plans and create breakthroughs - in medicine, science and engineering. our next mission could be anything. so we prepare for everything. dudes... you know... been a couple of a plus roommates. i hate to do this because you guys have been cool with everything. you were cool with my band. you were cool with that english accent phase. remember that? that theater troupe. hey, could you give me a second please. but state farm's helping me be really smart with my money and i've got my own pad now. oh, no big deal. mom, dad, my new place doesn't allow pets. dylan's gonna have to stay here. one love pops. start out right in life. first bank account, state farm is there. can't afford to let heartbur

>> stephen: thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!heers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome, everybody. that's lovely. thanks, everybody. hey, welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. do you guys ever follow business? do you guys follow business news? you definitely should. because it's where they keep all the money. and today there's really big news this week from the business world. it's news you might actually care about, because it's nothing boring like real estate or the financial system. it's about something important-- it's beer. ( cheers and applause ) international sign for tick- tick. anheiser-busch is trying to buy miller for $104 billion. yeah, yeah, you heard that right. that's billion, with an "illion." $104 billion? that's crazy. you can get a beer at yankee stadium for, like, half that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) approximately. a little more. personally, i'm excited about the bud and miller getting together because that means i can finally stop pretending i can taste the difference. ( laughter ) but, again, this

(audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: that's amazing. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: brandon, i'm so glad you're here. so glad you're here. these guys treating you all right? >> yeah. >> stephen: you let me know, okay? i'll talk to these guys if they give you any trouble, okay? no hazing. >> okay. >> stephen: no wedgies, jon. oh, we all had to get one! >> stephen: against company policy. i don't know about you, but after the attacks in paris, i don't want to talk about isis, or "isil" or "daesh" or "p-diddy" or whatever we're supposed to call them this week. here's the deal: if you want to live in the seventh century, you don't get to be on tv. but, after that senseless tragedy, the question of whether to let syrian refugees into this country has become the new political issue, completely overshadowing the old political issue: whether to let mexicans into this country. it's all anybody in washington, on the campaign trail, or on the tv box is talking about. so let's wander blindly onto the news tarmac and get sucked into the fear turb

stephen, stephen, stephen! >> jon: there you go, there! >> stephen: ththk you very much. thanks, everybody. well, listen, i don't blame you for being eck sieltsed. i'm excited too. we have a big show for you tonight. there is just so much happening in the world to talk about. but before we do, i needo get something off my chest. and it's not hair because i had all that taken off. i'm like an eel from the neck down. (laughter) they had to greas me up and slide me into thehe new seuts. they're a little tight. but here's the thing. i have have been doing these shows for eight weeks, have i been giving it my all t say labor of love but i do it for you. but i have just learned something that makes me w wder if you are listening. because a fewew weeks ago i gave a very clear warning about what would happen now that mcdonald's is serving breakfast all day long. >> i just found out something that has rocked me to my core because today for the first time, mcdonald's began serving breakfast all day l lg. (applause) and the only reason i ever got up before 10:30 was to make it to th

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. very, very nice. thank you very much. welcome to "the late show"! thank you so much! thank you, everybody, down there, up there, out there. welcome! welcome! welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. thank you very much. welcome to "the late show"! i'm stephen colbert, or as i'm known in the hong kong underworld, the pear-shaped scorpion. ( laughter ) i'm something of an introvert. ( laughter ) and it is so nice to see you all here tonight, here on dry land, safe and sound. because i just discovered something in the most unexpected place of all-- the discovery ( laughter ) their award-resistant show "bride and jaws--" this is true, this is absolutely true-- i found that you can actually attract sharks by playing heavy metal music. and it makes sense. the shark is the most metal of all animals, what with its razor-sharp teeth, its thirst for blood, and instinctive disrespect for it's step-dad, rick. you'

thank you, jon. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!stephen: thank you so much. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you! thank you so much, everybody. welcome to "the late show"." thank you! welcome to "the late show" everybody. welcome to "the late show" with stephen colbert and also with you." it's tuesday, or as i call it, monday to wednesday hump day. everyone enjoy the weather today? was that enjoyable? these nice people were outside most of the day. beautiful fall day here in new york. perfect day to rake the sidewalk and let the kids jump into that big pile of trash. i like fall because it's a time of new beginningings. in fact, yesterday paul ryan started his first week as speaker of the house. but-- and this is true-- he can't use his new office yet because john boehner was such a heavy smoker that it smells like an off-track betting parlor in there. ( laughter ) it's got the same mixture of cigarettes and old man tears. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: he let it marinate, didn't he? >> stephen: they have to b

stephen. >> stephen: it's a friday crowd. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thanks everybody. thanks, everybody. thank you, jon. thank you, band, thank you vulfpeck for sitting in with the band tonight. they've got a new album called ben carson. can't wait to check it out. you know, folks, i like talking about the news, i like talking about movie stars and stuff like that, but i've got a shock admission. i like talking about sports, but i'm not particularly athletic. i'm more graceful. ( laughter ) i didn't play a lot of sports when i was younger. in fact, on our first date-- and this is a true story-- my wife asked me if i play any sports. i said, "i play a fair amount of and yet, and yet, she went on a second date with me. ( cheers and applause ) that is a keeper. ta-ping. but i do like to talk about sports on the show here. and i will cover every sport that i can show without getting sued over licensing fees, which unfortunately doesn't leave a lot, mostly fish soccer at this point. that is a ridiculous sport.

(cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: yes, thank you! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you so much. thanks, everybody. (applause). >> stephen: thank you so much. hey, welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert and boy, that chanting just makes me feel like i'm returning from the halls of manda. so-- look it up. look it up. (applause) whooo! hey, welcome to the show. i just want to say, i love you. >> a-w. >> stephen: now this might seem sudden. we've only been doing this show for about two months. but here's the thing, i've been trying to say i love you more often starting this morning. i said it to my family before i left the house. and then to my barista. and then to her manager when the barista complained that one of the customers was making her (laughter) and the reason i'm saying i love you so much is i heard about this new feature goggle is rolling out for gmail called smart reply. it analyzes your incoming e-mails and gives you suggestions on how you can just reply automatically. and it is a n

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, everybody. thank you so much. that's a beautiful sound. that's a lovely sound. ( cheers and applause ) oooh! aaah! thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." ( cheers and applause ) thank you, please, everybody. thank you. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. and i'm super excited because tomorrow is thanksgiving, and i'm not travelling. not that it wouldn't be great to see family. but today is the busiest travel day of the year, and this year it's even more complicated because the united states government has issued a worldwide travel alert. i know that sounds alarming to some people, but all that means is if you're traveling, you're going to want to avoid this area. just anything-- anything on this. ( cheers and applause ) any of that. any of that. , of course,-- that's all. , of course, our government,un, our government wouldn't leave us that vague. they gave us some specifics. they warn that multiple groups, as well as lone individuals, may target both official and

stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you. that's nice. that's the best kind of mindless mob. thank you for being here. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert, everybody. i have to tell you, i was a little miffed this afternoon. it's good to be with friends. i'm upset. y'all know i'm a big fan of "lord of the rings." you guys like "lord of the rings"? you guys know this. because i'm a big fan, my ears pricked up-- much as a hobbit's would-- when i heard that scientists in brazil have discovered a new species of spider and named it after a "lord of the rings" character, smeagol. they say they named it smeagol because it's scary looking and lives in caves. okay, that's cute. that's cute. i have two problems with this. one-- smeagol wasn't a scary creature that lived in a cave. smeagol was a kind and friendly hobbit-like creature who lived on the banks of anduin, the great river, and enjoyed spending time with his friends and his family. one day, he was fishing with his cousin deagol, when deagol was dragged into the water with a the

much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. folks, we're just past halloween, which means we're about to enter the magical season of getting angry that there's not enough talk about christmas. jim? >> starbucks is stirring up controversy over its plain red cups for the holiday season. >> some evangelical christians are very upset that the coffee giant is doing away with symbols of the season, like the snowflakes, the snowmen, and the other kind of ornaments. >> stephen: yes, they got rid of the christian religious symbols like snowflakes and snowmen. ( laughter ) i mean, i think we all remember visited by the three wise frostys. ( laughter ) oh, jingle jesus, jingle jesus lying in a manger ho, ho, ho, and frankincense and myrrh and pumpkin spice, hey ( cheers and applause ) i could go for a myrrh latte. this is the only time of year they make them. sadly, the three wissnowmen did not last long in the desert. ( applause ) and-- and. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know why y