thank you, jon. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: that's nice, thank you, everybody, thank you so much. beautiful to hear. i like it. thank you, everybody. that's so nice. thanks, everybody, thanks. whooo! ( cheers and applause ) you feel it. welcome to the late show, everybody, thanks so much, i'm stephen colbert. how is everybody doing tonight? doing all right? i'm so glad, that is wonderful, because i'm feeling great tonight. because for once i have good news. and here it is. donald trump was attacked by a bald eagle. ( cheers and applause ) it was during a photo shoot for "time" magazine back in august. footage. here's the thing, everyone's having a good time with that footage of trump. and here at the late show we have enjoyed a joke or 50 or 60 at donald's expense. but when it comes to our endangered species, and i mean this very seriously-- ( cheers and applause ) ( inaudible speaking ) thank you, thank you. i appreciate it. what i'm hoping to say here... so nice, jon stewart, everybody! fantastic, jon, this is lov

>> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. you're very kind! ) >> stephen: thank you very much, everybody. welcome to "the late show." thanks, everybody. you know, i'm so excited. i'm your host, stephen colbert. and tonight, whether or not you are aware of it, is a momentous occasion, because this is our cheers and applause ) that's nice, 50, of course, is the golden anniversary, so i bought everyone on my staff their very own gold bond medicated powder. ( laughter ) how you feeling, jon? >> jon: dry and refreshed! >> stephen: that means it's working. all right. 50 episodes. i can't believe we reached the big 5-0 in just ten weeks. to put that in perspective, it took "new year's rockin' eve" 50 years to reach 50 episodes. ( laughter that's a hell of a pace. of course, this is really about you and me, audience and host, 50 whole episodes together and after all that time, i got to say, there's still a spark. i can't believe-- i mean, 50. i can't believe we still do it every night. i don't even mi

welcome to "the late show." >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." thank so much! thanks, everybody. it's so wonderful to have you all here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. i want to address-- thank you very much. i want to address something right off the bean at the top of the show. you may have heard that our friend justin beiber was supposed to be on the show tonight. unfortunately, justin had to personal reasons. i hope everything's okay. no, no. listen, whatever it is. we hope everything is okay. he did the right thing and he tweeted to my show's twitter account this: "my apologies to @colbertlateshow as i won't be able to make it to n.y.c. tomorrow for the show. i look forward to making it up he's saying sorry. no, no, no, he's canadian. so-- ( laughter ) when he says he's "sohrry," i believe him. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) no! it's a sacred-- that is a sacred trust in canada. so i believe him. more than that-- i belieb him. i trust in justin. and he tweeted to me

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, everybody. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: rising up. welcome. thank you so much. why not? thank you. welcome to "the late show." thanks so much for being here. i'm stephen colbert. thanks for being here. i hope you have a good time here tonight. we enjoy doing this show for you every night. we have a good time on the show. more importantly, in ways you don't get to see, we enjoy making the show every day. and this part of the show that we're doing, the top of the show, we usually write in my office around noon every day. and i understand when your office sits above times square, like mine does, there's going to be noise. as a new yorker, i'm totally capable of drowning out horns honking, sirens, times square elmo fights, gun shots, wounded help-- the usual new york stuff. but today, i got to say, new york took it up a notch. an unholy wail started from the street that sounded like a goose making love to a smoke detector. ( laughter ) i don't know if you guys heard it toda

thank you, jon. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! lz that's-- . >> stephen: that's nice, thank you, everybody, thank you so much. beautiful to hear. i like it. thank you, everybody. that's so nice. thanks, everybody, thanks. whooo! (cheers and applause) thank you. welcome-- welcome to the late show, everybody, thanks so much, i'm stephen colbert. how is everybody doing tonight? doing all right? i'm so glad, that is wonderful, because i'm feeling great tonight. because for once i have good news. and here it is. donald trump was attacked by a bald eagle. (cheers and applause) lz it was during a photo shoot for time magazine back in august. but time just released the footage. take a look at it. look at that! that eagle-- that eagle thinks that donald's hair is like a blond rabbit or something. and donald is getting out of there faster than a muslim tenant in trump tower. (cheers and applause) and like all things trump, this story has rocketed around the globe. i believe we have some footage of people reacting to seeing this video for th

and for good reason. >> stephen: has stephen king seen this yet? >> is this my matter. >> stephen: it's been there i don't think. >> refreshing. get a little bit in my beard and see if that happens. >> stephen: has stephen king seen this yet? hold on, let me get an egg timer before you answer. (laughter) >> i don't think so, so far. we have not seen-- . >> stephen: he's a good guy. we had him on the show. >> no way. >> stephen: yeah, we had him on the show, he is a very good guy, came sitting in the chair right there. >> he came out of maine. came out of hiding. >> stephen: yeah, we shipped him in from maine. he just appeared in a puff of smoke, actually. >> you think you can get him to come down to the theater. >> stephen: yeah, i will call him up, stephen, are you up there, you, me, we go see misery together, it's a deal, all right. i will tell you what he says back. >> okay. (laughter). >> stephen: can i say something i'm jealous about. this play in a bed. that's a sweet gig. (laughter) >> yeah, it's a good gig, it's a good gig. it's a small bed

hello. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. thanks, everybody. thanks so much! (cheers and applause) welcome, everybody. thanks for being here. welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. today is the second night of hanukkah. and on behalf of everyone who is not jewish, and i believe i can speak for everyone, i just want to say to our jewish friends, we have no idea when hanukkah is. (laughter) i don't mean to be ignorant, but you got to admit you just keep moving it every year. all we're asking for is like an evite or a save the date card. around now. just take one day for it to start every year. i promise, we won't check your (laughter) anyway, happy hannah kavment and weekend. i did-- (cheers and applause). >> stephen: very nice. i was in washington d.c. last this year-- yeah, pretty nice, yeah. (cheers and applause) this year we kennedy center honored carole king, resulta more eno, seigi ozawa, cicely tyson and george lucas. a fantastic night, amazing trk is a meeting of like washington bigwigs and hollywood celebrities

>> stephen: thanks so much, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. thanks, everybody. thanks, everybody, in here, out there, all around the world, thanks for being here tonight. welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. i hope you had a good weekend, though given what is going on in the world, that's a tall order. i wanted to start my show tonight by once again offering our thoughts and prayers to the new york is a city that sadly knows too well the horror the french experienced on friday. and we also know there are no words that can reach the depths of their grief and their shock. but we stand with the people of france as a friend and an ally and offer the hope that there is a way through the unspeakable tragedy. and also let's take the opportunity to thank france for what they've done for us. they've given the united states so much over the years, aid to general washington in our fight for independence. key intelligence on how to put potatoes in

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." wooo! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. oh! oh, that gets you. >> stephen! stephen. >> stephen: get you right there. oh! ( cheers and applause ) that's really lovely! thank you, everybody. thank you, so much. that's really wonderful. thank you. that-- that-- that outpouring of affection, i have to say, that iss so intimate. i feel like i've made out with at least one of you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm not sorry. i'm not sorry. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i am pumped tonight, my friends. because-- this is true-- i got tickets to the midnight showing of "star wars: the force awakens." ( cheers and applause ) and by midnight, i mean 11:30 a.m. next sunday. it's the first i could get. could have seen it, a while ago, but i didn't. unfortunately, for those of us who haven't seen it yet, "star wars" is gonna generate a ton of spoilers. and they're about to hit us like we're womprats just sitting here in beggar's canyon any minute, beca

. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: that is grit! that is nice! thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to the late show! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, that is good. you guys, i don't know-- (cheers and applause) thanks very much. thanks, everybody. that was really good. listen, that chanting was just as crisp as a sell ree stick, thank you so much. welcome to the late show, i'm stephen colbert. i don't know if you guys have noticed but one of the things i like to do at the beginning of the show is walk ouou here. and it's become a habit. and fun fact. i am not the only one in the world who walks. so does russian president vladimir putin. and this is absolutely true. his walk is so distinctive, that recently a team of neurologists published an article about it, check outputin's walk. you see, here he is walking. he swings his left arm but his right arm always stays by his side. (laughter) and they think it's because of his kgb training, okay. they're calling putin's walk a gunslinger's gait because his right

stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! that is-- oh, that is the best. best possible christmas present i could get. i need your energy. you'll have to excususme. m a little tired. last night was yet another republican debate. and i'm tired because i was up late watchihi the whole thing, and definitely not at the cbs christmas party instead. and this morning, i did not have to apologize for challenging scott pelley to a pushup contest after not licking egg nog out of tod selleck's mustache. that's what i didn't do. i watched the debate. if you missed it, cnn's g.o.-palooza went down in las vegas at the most american possible venue, the venetian hotel and casino, owned by republican megadonor and adson. ( laughter ) the debate took place on the stage where "phantom of the opera" played for over six years. which explains wolf blitzer's outfit. ( lamghter ) holding the debate in las vegas mamas total sense-- the stakes are high. there's a lot of money riding on long shots. most people are betting it all on red, or really orang

>> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: that's very nice.nks, everybody. hey, thank you so much. welcome to the late show. man, a guy could get used to that. welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. i hope you don't mind, that this is the "late show with stephen colbert," and stephen colbert is standing in front of you and, that i prefer to refer to myself in the third person. ( laughter ) but that is just what stephen colbert does. ( laughter ) and i'm so excited that you're all here, because i really need somebody to talk to tonight. i was alone this afternoon when i found out one of my heroes isn't the man i thought he was. his name... >> ooooooh. >> stephen: a little late on that. ( laughter ) a lot of responsibility. a lot of responsibility, being a live audience. the name of this man? bond, daniel craig bond. here's what happened. d-craig or craigy-d, as he likes his friends to not call him, he's on the circuit right now promoting the new james bond movie "spectre." and when one reporter asked him if he would consider doing yet a

stephen! >> stephen: friday! friday! that's it! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! wooo! thanks so much, everybody. thank you, so much. thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) or am i?! i am. ( laughter ) and the only reason i bring it up at all is you can never be too careful about identity theft these days. it happens to everyone, even corporations. you guys know the company pepperidge farm? i would be upset if didn't. well, as you know, they farm more than pepperidge. they also make delicious cookies. and now they're saying those cookies are victims of identity theft. last week, they sued the supermarket chain trader joe's for selling a type of cookie they claim looks too much like their popular milanos. i know. it's a big story. ( laughter ) i love milanos. they've got so many kinds. you got the originals, mint milanos, dark chocolate milanos, the raspberry milanos, cool ranch, blazin' buffallo milanos, alyssa milanos. now, i realize i talk a lot about food on the show,

>(laughter) hey, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, jennifer?k in time and give yourself a piece of advice, what would it be? >> stephen: don't forget to build the time machine. (laughter) hey, what's the biggest regret? >> not helping that raccoon get his head out of the mayonnaise jar. what's yours? >> stephen: my biggest regret is eating that may nice-covered raccoon. (laughter) >> stephen: do you think the colors i see are the same colors you see? >> well, i don't know... what does blue look like to you? >> stephen: sor?ort of -- (making indistinguishable noises) (laughter) >> stephen: yeah, blue. (laughter) i love winter. what's your favorite season? >> it's a tie between lobster fest and troyetizon (laughter) >> stephen: would you rather fly or be inviz snbl. >> i would rather be invisible and i could just say, i'm flying, and no one would be able to tell. what do you think the best part of christmas is? >> stephen: i think it's the warm feelings people have about me when i say that the best part is family. >> mmm... >> stephen: what do yo

stephen. >> stephen: that is lovely. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: i think that was new. thank you very much. that was amazing. that's the first time ever down here they were going "ste" and up there they were going "phen." very nice coordination! thanks everybody, thanks for coming to the show. i'm your host, stephen colbert. i don't think it's any surprise i love my job, but i gotta say, show business, she is a stern mistress. and i'm pretty sure she's forgotten my safe word. i made it clear that it was "pumpkin patch." right off the tee here i've got to deal with some show business business. last night i had on the great marion cotillard, star of the new film "macbeth." she was a lot of fun. but after the interview, immediately afterwards, i started getting a lot of calls and e-mails from my old theater friends telling me they were worried because there was an old superstition that if you say the word "macbeth" in a theater, you few times. my first guest is the academy- award winning actress, you know her from such movies as "la vie en

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! thanks, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! welcome to "the late show"! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. you can't fool me, you're just chanting to stay warm. ( laughter ) as you can see ladies and gentlemen, the holiday season has begun. over the weekend, we put up all of our christmas lights around the place. we've decorated just for you to make you feel welcome and christmasy when you got here. ( cheers and applause ) it's so much fun to put the lights up in december, kind of depressing to take them down in january. so most years i just leave them up until february and call them black history month lights. ( laughter ) if you don't have yours up this year, you're a racist. ( laughter ) i'm just sayin'! ( cheers and applause ) i'm just sayin'! >>you've got to do it. you've got to do it. >> stephen: i'm doing my part. lists. that dates back all the e y to the

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you. that's nice. that's the best kind of mindless mob. thank you for being here. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert, everybody. happy to be with you tonight. because i've got to tell you, i was a little miffed this afternoon. it's good to be with friends. i'm upset. y'all know i'm a big fan of "lord of the rings." you guys like "lord of the rings"? ( cheers and applause ) you guys know this. because i'm a big fan, my ears pricked up-- much as a hobbit's would-- when i heard that scientists in brazil have discovered a new species of spider and named it after a "lord of the rings" character, smeagol. they say they named it smeagol because it's scary looking and lives in caves. okay, that's cute. that's cute. i've got two problems with this. creature that lived in a cave. smeagol was a kind and friendly hobbit-like creature who lived on the banks of anduin, the great river, and enjoyed spending time with his friends and his family. ( cheers and applause ) one day, he was out fishing with his

stephen. >> stephen: it's a friday crowd. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!hen: thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thanks everybody. thanks, everybody. thank you, jon. thank you, band. thank you, vulfpeck, for sitting in with the band tonight. they've got a new album here called "the thrill of the arts." can't wait to check it out. they'll be playing a little something later for the audience here. and, you know, folks, i like talking about the news, i like talking about movie stars and stuff like that, but i've got a shocking admission. i like talking about sports, but i'm not particularly athletic. i'm more graceful. ( laughter ) i didn't play a lot of sports when i was younger. in fact, on our first date-- and this is a true story-- my wife asked me if i play any sports. i said, "i play a fair amount of hacky sack." and yet, and yet, she went on a second date with me! ( cheers and applause ) that is a keeper. ( cheers and applause ) ta-ping! i still got it. but i do like to talk about sports on the show here. and i will cover every sport that i can show wit