>> stephen: yeah. you're alone. >> stephen: very lonely. people come in, there is a performance and then you don't have to see them anymore. my hotel room by myself. seems strange but i am a classic introvert. you run out of energy. >> stephen: mobilely available people. >> i don't like to talk to anyone with. even if i see someone i like at the gym, i'm, like, oh, my god... you want to recharge and be alone. >> stephen: do you want to be with people totally on your own terms, like, just stand over there, i might come talk to you if my enough. >> have you talked to my boyfriend? >> stephen: you and your boyfriend cay noodling in bed on instagram. >> i told him jokes i had been writing and he fell asleep. >> stephen: that's a really lonely feeling. you also talk about being out on the road, living the life of a never standup. what's that like? >> if you're a guy, it's fun because you get laid. (laughter) mm-hmm. i'm sure they're all married now. >> stephen: they're just shy. you're a girl, it embarrasses them. >> something's going on with hi

>> stephen: yeah.as in jackson mississippi yesterday, where he was joined on stage by nigel farage, one of the master-- let's say-- "minds" of the british brexit from the e.u. i don't know what the folks of the deep south have in common with angry white people who want to leave a union. but evidently, they liked him. (cheers and applause) and when trump addressed the crowd, he went right after hillary clinton. >> hillary clinton is a bigot. >> stephen whoo! now tell us if that's good or bad? whoo! don't know. might be a compliment. (laughter) you're a bigot, sugar cakes! (laughter) i know it's hard to look away from trump, but lets play that clip again, and i ask you to focus on the woman behind him. >> hillary clinton is a bigot. (laughter) >> stephen: that woman looks like she'd been goosed with an ice pick. she looks like she just woke up from a coma to discover she's a trump supporter. (lte was i bad? (laughter) with everything donald trump's been up to lately, it can be easy to forget that one of

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much! thanks, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, paul. thank you, mark. what's up, jon? what's up, joe? what's up, jon? what's up, joe? hey! hey, everybody! oh! you've got to love it. it's electric. wooo! you can feel it. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here. i'm your host stephen colbert we are live on night three of the democratic national convention. ( cheers and applause ) last night, hillary clinton became the first woman to be nominated by a major party. ( cheers and applause ) it was-- yay, pretty exciting. you really felt it. it was an historic moment covered by all the papers. i've got them right here. let's see. first up, wa journal," had "hillary clinton wins nomination. and the photo. wow, there she is. hillary really looking presidential there for some reason. similar thing on "the washington post." "historic nomination for hillary clinton right there." then there's the "seattle times." "houston chronicle." all with no photo of hillary clinton. if she wins, i expect h

stephen?ill? >> how do you want to be thought of by your great-great grandchildren? >> stephen: oh, i think i'd like them to think of me as still being alive. ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: you know? >> yeah, that would be good. >> stephen: hey, will? >> yes, stephen. >> stephen: with all these new medical advancements, how long do you think humans will be able to live? >> well, not long enough to watch your whole netflix cue. >> stephen: probably not, probably not. ( laughter ). >> stephen? >> stephen: yeah, will. >> you ever wonder if we're all, like, just inside of some dog's dream? ( laughter ). >> stephen: no, because if we were, then there wouldn't be vacuum cleaners. >> stephen: oh! ah. well, unless it's a nightmare. >> stephen: true, good point ( barking (. >> yeah. what do you want on your gravestone? >> stephen: i think, well, i thought it was funny. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen? >> stephen: will? >> when-- when someone calls you but it's a wrong number, do you

♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: come on up. >> so excited. >> stephen: all right. >> to be here. >> stepheno you remember the last time we saw each other? >> stephen: the last time you and i saw each other was-- >> "the dana carvey show." >> stephen: right, there was a show on abc, the "dana carvey show," in 1996. you were a writer on the show. and i was a writer on the show. >> i shared an office with you and another steve. his name was-- >> steve carell. >> that's right. >> stephen: you weren't there for the whole thing. >> i came in to clean up the mess after that first sketch you guys had. >> stephen: it was only on for seven episode. >> six episodes. >> stephen: no, we were on for seven. we did eight. the eighth one was never broadcast. that was the magic one. that's what would have saved the show. >> i think i was in that episode. i had a day job at the time on "seinfeld." >> stephen: you wrote the soup nazi. >> i wrote the soup nazi. that's right. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, thank you very much. but when the dana carvey-- i came to write on "dana carvey" because i loved what y

>> stephen: thank you so much. whew. whew. thanks, ladies and gentlemen. that feels good. ha-ha. yes. thanks very much. all right. all right. have a good night. hey, welcome to the show, everybody. welcome to "the late show." good to see you. how is everybody feeling tonight all right? [ cheers and applause ] all righty. me, too. me, too. i feel good. i feel free, being me. i'm stephen colbert and as we know, you guys have been watching the news, the first presidential debate is now less than one month away and apparently the candidates have two very different ways of preparing. [ laughter ] hillary clinton pores over briefing books, thick with policy arcana and opposition research. she rehearses over and over again to perfect the pacing and substance of her presentation. of course, you know she's the "uh, i'll answer your question, mr. moderator, but may i point out, you forgot to give us any homework today." meanwhile, donald trump is all about spectacle. one former aid said "trump wants to be a showstopper in th

with -- (whispering) >> stephen colbert. >> -- stephen colbert. >> stephen: thanks! have you met my other guest, the great tony hale from hbo? >> yes, i love his show-- ( inaudible ) >> ah. what? it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes tim kaine, mark strassmann, tony hale and car seat headrest. from new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ? >> stephen: hey! thanks, everybody! whoo! what's going on? (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) #. >> stephen: hey, thank you so much! thank you so much! what's up? good to see you. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. can you feel the electricity in the air? can't you? (cheers and applause) we're making the turn into the general election right now and the first debates are just a few monday, september 26. trump vs. clinton. this time it's presidential. (laughter) and i'm proud to say the "late show" will be broadcasting live right after the debate. this fall. (cheers and applause) >> every night. >> stephen: every night. we'll be there. you will want to tune in--

stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. it's a packed house. super energetic crowd tonight. super packed house. people are very excited about the election, right? me too, me too. how are you doing jon, feeling good. >> jon: feeling good. we're doing it. >> stephi jacket. you look like barney from the waist up. up. >> jon: i used to watch barney when i was a kid. you know, i used to check him out. ? i love you you love me ? >> stephen: i do not know what you are talking about. one of us is slightly older than the other, and i would like to not dwell on it if you don't mind. well, i've got to start tonight with some shocking news. there's a huge scandal out there that does not involve donald i know. i know. i had the same reaction. instead, it involves future former president barack obama. remember a few months ago when he got iran to release four american prisoners? well, it turns out, he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. because as the prisoners were freed, turns out $400 million was flown to iran o

>> it was hard, stephen. >> stephen: i know, it's hard. really hard. >> here's the thing, normally i feel like actors complain about having to travel for their job. we all fell completely in love with charleston. >> stephen: it's the greatest city in the world. >> yes, and if you don't know there are all these beaches and outer lying sort of islands that you can get houses on. so we all got houses on the same island and when we weren't working, it was kind of just like summer camp and we would hang out. and we had like the most magical summer of our lives. and i have two young daughters. and they fell in love with the town, made local friends. and so i said, "girls, let's just go back for a month next summer and have vacation there." >> stephen: not just you, other cast members. >> so then i put the word out and then danny mcbride and his wife got a house again. and one of our producers. and then one of our-- it was just that it was just like we were getting the gang back together. >> stephen: can i say your children's names, is that koshe

( applause ) >> stephen: don't let me stop >> stephen: go ahead, do it. if you want to do it. >> i saw you do it. ( cheers ) ? ? ? >> very nice. >> stephen: well, i'm afraid that's all we have time for. thank you very much. >> thank you so much. my first time on a >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: welcome. >> thank you so much. my first time on a talk show. >> stephen: you didn't start off as an actor, did you? no, as a journalist. >> stephen: as a journalist. you were looking for the truth and decided to make up things instead ( laughter ). >> actually, i was looking for the truthiness. >> stephen: oh, the truthiness. well, you've come to the the right place. >> i'm a big fan. >> stephen: thank you very much. you're from venezuela, right? >> i'm from venezuela. >> stephen: how did you guys do in the olympics? >> we did great. we did great. two bronze. actually, boxing. bronze medal. >> stephen: you are playing roberto duran-- ( applause ) sure. you're playing roberto duran in this new movie "hands of stone," and he has more knockouts than tyson, r

>> yes, stephen? >> stephen: do you have a nickname?ction jackson," but you can call me, samuel l. jackson. ( laughter ) >> stephen: samuel l. jackson, do you think god could make a rock so big even he couldn't lift it? >> of course. that's where australia came from. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i heard that, yeah. >> stephen? if you were stranded on a desert island, what famous person would you want to have with you? >> stephen: i guess whichever celebrity is most shaped like a boat. ( laughter ) hey, samuel l. jackson, i've always wanted to ask you this, what's in your wallet? ( cheers and applause ) >> a whole lot of money. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> steve-o. >> stephen: yeah, sam-o? >> do you think there's a difference between living and just being alive? >> stephen: of course. who would buy a magazine called "martha stewart just being alive?" hey, samuel l. jackson, if a motorcycle's cooler than a tricycle, doesn't that mean a unicycle is cooler than a motorcycle? >> i told you, stephen, i'm not buying your ( bleep ) unicycle. ( laug

>> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> all of it? >> stephen: maybe last meal. hey, have you actually-- because you play a prisoner, have you gone to prison to see what the experience is like. because it's opened the eyes for a lot of people of what a prison experience is like, especially for women. >> it absolutely has. >> stephen: have you done whatever the equivalen a ride-along is for a prison? >> i have. before the second season of the show, i spent some time at rikers-- >> stephen: that's a prison. >> it is. piper chapman is based on piper kerrman, was really instrumental in teaching me about the prison system and teaching me about her experience. what that sort of moved from is being in the prison, spending time with the women's prison piper is on the board of. and they do incredible work. >> stephen: would you want to hang out with your character? is she the sort of person you would want to spend time with? >> would i want to hang out with piper? >> audience: yeah! >> i think piper-- i would. the thing, i think piper has a hard time hanging out with hers

stephen? >> stephen: yes, sam? >> do you have any regrets? >> stephen: oh, absolutely. wait, i wished i'd said "no." ( laughter ) hey, samuel l. jackson, do you think it's okay to tell a harmless lie to spare someone's feelings? smart question, stephen. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thanks. ( applause ) hey, sam l. jack? you have been in 165 movies. what part would you like to be remembered for? >> my ( bleep ). but i'd settle for ""mace >> stephen: i've never seen ( bleep ) but i've read some great reviews. ( applause ) sam, sam, what do you think people will say at your funeral? >> oh, i assume they'll all be saying "wow, i've never seen yankee stadium so packed." ( laughter ) stephen? why are we here? what is our purpose? >> stephen: well, i guess it's hard to say. but i'd like to believe that we're here to love one another and, above all, to promote "the legend of tarzan" opening this friday. samuel l. jackson, everybody! we'll be right back with julie klausner! america thought our pancakes were pretty special. but we knew we could do better. so we did. we made denny's n

>> stephen: left it? >> well, to be determined. >> stephen: to me, it looks like this was a theft. >> it slowly becomes stuff of legend in the last 12 hours, which is so silly. >> stephen: did you steal this and -- >> no, but i think i borrowed it from the good people at armani, they're very nice. when a fashion disaster strikes -- . >> stephen: will you introduce me? i want something from them. >> what is it? looks like a gucci, yeah, not too shabby. >> stephen: not o gucci, armani, ciao, bella. >> i left the plane, i turned around right when i went to baggage claim. i left. i had them hang it for me i just took a carry-on and a suit. >> stephen: you're in first class, my friend. back in coach, they say, "wou you like us to compost that for you?" [ laughter ] >> but, yeah, i asked and they said, oh, i wasn't there and, what are you going to do? seth, was described -- couldn't get a girl described as something of a dork, ok? that is him. couldn't get a girl, ok? >> in fairness, it's pretty dorky itself. >

>> stephen: hey there. i'm here with jon and the o'jay (cheers and applause) thanks for being here, guys! thank you so much! we were just talking about what we're goin d >> jon: yes, indeed. >> stephen: so i was concerned when i saw that, according to the "washington post," there is no song of the summer this year. not cool, music. people need a jam for when they're cruising in their car to the malt shop to meet debbie. >> jon: yes! >> stephen: that's what i'm talking about. so we here at the late show have made the song of the summer. hit it, jon! one, two, thee! here we go! ? ? ? ? ? summer is here now hey hey hey ? it's gonna be an awesome day ? chilling out in the sun sun sun ? got my whole crew we're having fun ? it's s-u-m then m-e-r ? six through eight on the calendar ? now for my favorite thing of all ? summertime means it's almost fall ? fall! fall! fall! ? fall in love with fall ? cool crisp air, hot apple cider ? comfy sweaters, roaring fires ? fall! fall! fall! ? fall in love with fall ? fall or

>> stephen: yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. >> wow! >> stephen: i'm not a better customer. i'm a much worse customer. you judging? totally judging that guy? >> stephen: yes. one-minute approach? was there something wrong with the dish? just take it away. don't [ bleep ] debate me! take it away. so, in the same way as a director talking to an actor, just like, "i'm the director, do what i say! roll 'em!" >> if we go back on what you just said, that's how i talk to my actors. i melt a lot the when they're wondering" i try to act through them the best way to do it no, god, if i did that, i hope they would slap me in the face. >> stephen: i would go see that. >> you would? you would? ok. not the movie, you just want to see the outtakes of people slapping me? >> stephen: are there outtakes of the movie? >> there'll be outtakes when it comes out on dvd. you'll pay for it because we're best friends now. >> stephen: i've already established i paid for dinner though. tickets? >> if you want to fight about this, we can. >> stephen: we should call a fake and then there's the makeup se

>> stephen: good evening, or top story. yesterday donald trump announced he was softening his stand on immigration. for more, let's go to my colleague, anderson cooper. anderson. >> what? stephen, what-- what are you doing? i'm eating you for more information, anderson. >> yup, you can't do that. that's something only news anchors get to do. >> stephen: i thought anybody could do it. it looks fun. >> well, they can't. the news throw, it's not a toy. it's a sacred trust. >> stephen: i'm sorry. it won't happen again. to find out why it won't happen again, let's go t to anderson >> it's "the late show"" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes anderson cooper. edgar ramirez. and musical guest cip moore. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) hey! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: good to see you. ( cheers ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks s

>> stephen: yes. >> it's "the late show"" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes rachel weisz. kevin smith. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) how are you? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks down here. that's a fantastic. you hear one. there's no-- you can't-- you cannot fake that. >> jon: right, yeah. >> stephen: you know that'sed from. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. your host this friday. folks, it's friday. ( applause ) ? it's friday it's friday oh ? it's friday ? >> stephen: i don't know what song you're dancing to but i like it. i have a quick word of warning before we get started tonight. tonight's monologue was created in a factory that also processes peanuts. it's important to say in case anyone has an allergy. especially now, because mylan, the company that produces these epipens right here-- anybody us

>> stephen: it's friday. no, nelson hidalgo was arrested for blasting music from his van, which has 80 speakers in it. which explains his bumper sticker, "if this van's a- rockin', don't come a- knockin'... because no one will be able to hear you over the speakers." now, hidalgo evidently cranked it up and ripped off the knob, or the knob just rattled off complaints including one that "came from the bullpen at citi field where the mets were taking on the braves." the coach was even overheard saying, "who's on first? no, really, who? i can't hear you over the damn music!" even more impressive, when hidalgo was arrested, he was "sitting in the passenger seat with a coors light." ( cheers and applause ) t officer buzzkill? is there some kind of law against having a good time? there is? it's called an open container law? i'll drink to that." ( laughter ) then-- put that down over there. then he told the arresting officer, "i know it's illegal, but it's the weekend." ( cheers and applause ) that's nice. out of jai

( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: you,thank adies and gentlemen! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much! thank you! please! welcome to "the late show," everybody, live from the ed sullivateran the here in new york city. i'm your host, stephen colbert. also live right now. i want to thank lania for stopping by to set the recd straight. and broadway star laura benanti, for some reason. ( applause ) let's get straight to the big news tonight-- folks, the republican delegates officially elected their nominee. spoiler alert for anybody who doesn't want to know how the now, as is tradition, each state voted, and we learned the kinds of things that normally you can only get by opening 50 bottles of snapple. >> american samoa, the greatest exporter of n.f.l. players. >> arkansas, birthplace of johnny cash and al green. >> kentucky, the home of churchill downs and american pharaoh, the source of bluegrass >> the great state of maryland, home to the oldest state capital in continuous use. >> missouri, the birthplace of talk radio. >> nebraska, the number

it's stephen. >> bubbe. >> stephen: how are you? >> i was just having a little chai kambucha come on in! >> stephen: no, jon, jon listen. i know that you and your beard are very busy these days. but i'm here to tell you that it's the republican national convention this week. >> oh, well, i think they had one of those four years ago! >> stephen: no, they're doing another one jon. listen, you will not believe who the nominee is. >> the old jon stewart talked about politics and things like that. me, i'm not, i don't-- jeb bush will be a great nominee. everything will be fine. >> stephen: jon, it's not jeb. jon, it's not jeb. i'm going to tell you who the candidate is. >> stephen: oh, you want to take a little-- >> just enough to wet the whistle before you tell me nominee. so before you say the name, if you don't mind, i wouldn't mind bringing liquid-- >> stephen: because you presently don't know who it is. are you ready? >> yeah. if i may. >> stephen: it's donald trump. ( laughter ) >> what?! >> stephen: yep! >> the guy from "the appre

thank you. >> stephen: mm-hmm. >> i have two kids. >> stephen: ages? >> about to be 7 and 9. >> stephen: okay. >> yeah. >> stephen, i'm doing the best i can. i'm doing the best i can. i'm doing the best i can. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, i definitely remember when my son was not even a year- - i mean, he was a little teeny baby, teeny, crying so hard. i was, like, what's happening? i was sweating profusely, he wasn't eating and i said, what's the matter, what's the matter, what's the matter? i literally opened his diaper because i thought he was sensitive to urine because i had been letting him sit in it for days. >> stephen: you were pickling him. >> the littlest one of my hairs had wound itself around his balls, like, five times. ( laughter ) horrible mother! i still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about that. >> stephen: you think you wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. i don't understand. i don't understand. your son is going to say to the therapist, i don't know why i'm attracted to mesh briefs, i don't understand

>> stephen: good to see you. ( cheers ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks so much, mark. what's going on? thanks so much. welcome to the show. please, sit down. thank you so much. welcome to the "late show." how is everybody doing tonight? you feeling all right? ( cheers and applause ) you sound good. you sound better than donald trump. trump has been having a tough time with one key demographic-- voters. especially, it turns out, african american voters. in fact, among african community someplace between country music and the milwaukee police department. ( laughter ) somewhere right in there. ( applause ) >> jon: you said it. >> stephen: that's what i hear. that's what i hear. but this past week, trump has tried pivoting his campaign to appeal to minorities. >> our government has totally failed our african american poverty, rejection, horrible education. no housing, no homes, no ownership. >> stephen: yes! nothing, no one. you're totally marginalized. for instance, clearly, none of you could get into trump's rally. no one! his brave message of words continued. >> to the