captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, everyone. stephen colbert here. before we kick off the show in the neyeari just wanted to come out here and say a few things from the heart. 2016 was rough, but i'm staying positive about 2017. the year is starting off great, for everyone but mariah carey. you may not have seen, but mariah was performing in times square for new year's and had a new technical problems. nobody knows exactly what happened. i blame russian hackers. here's the thing, i am on team mariah here. this was not her fault. mariah, you're welcome to come on my show any time. i'm sorry, there's nothing in my prompter here. jim, can you fix that. who are you? mark, what is happening. is this gettings fixed? okay, i'm allergic to feathers. i'm sorry. is this-- i was not informed. am i supposed to be singing right now? ( laughter ) okay. we've got a great show. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes oprah winfrey. and musical guest pretty yende. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed

i'm stephen colbert. i'll tell you, with a greeting like that, you make me want to run in 2020. ( cheers and applause ) oh, man. my heart is thumping. i don't know if it's from running out here or standing next t to kate beckinsale. what's going on? big news from capitol hill. today vice president-elect mike pence met with congressional republicans to talk about repealing obamacare. according to some republican congressmen, "the repeal meeting." two, four, six, eight, make the poor self-medicate! goooooo (bleep) yourselves!" ( cheers and applause ) hey, guess who else was on capitol hill? president obama stopped by to meet with democrats, to rally them to defend obamacare. here's obama rolling in with his crew including scarlett mcredboot, congressional cowgirl! according to sources, obama urged democrats not to rescue republicans by helping them pass replacement measures. don't help them fix obamacare or change it or anything like that. that's in the hippocratic oath: first, do no harm. second, hope the

>> stephen: what?use ) i would-- i would-- i would just say "look, he's an actor and they're unstable people. >> you are at christmas-- >> stephen: i'm at christmas-- >> --and the daughter walks in. >> stephen: with james franco? >> no, donald trump, jr. ( audience reacts ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i would say-- ( applause ) ( piano riffs ) ( applause ) i would say, "you know he's married, right?" megan mullaly was on the show last night and she said she saw a fair amount of your butt crack in this movie. is that true? >> i guess. i mean, it wasn't planned. >> stephen: just happened. >> no, well, the character-- >> stephen: it just happened! >> it did! it was that the character-- the wardrobe guy had one job, right? my character doesn't wear underwear. that's part of the gag, right? >> stephen: she said she saw a fair amount of your pubic hair as well. and i said it couldn't be real, that you seem like a guy that waxes. >> if she saw pubic hair, she was, she was really looking. i mean-- >> s

she could be calling stephen saying, "stephen..." >> stephen: call me, megyn. >> and say -- >> one ofie rose is have an interesting technol. you always have devices on you. do you have any on you right now? >> i don't. i carry two iphone 6. one on at&t and one on verizon. >> stephen: do you endorse both of them? why do you have two of them? >> i like to look at one while talking on the other. i have the echo. alexa, you say, "alexa, what time is it?" or you say, "alexa, where's stephen?" and she says, "do you mean stephen colbert of cbs?" and you say, "yeah." or they might say, "what are stephen's favorite ayersts? who are they?" >> stephen: you have two cell phones. you could just call me and ask me those things, charlie rose. it sounds very lonely for one of the most eligible bachelors of 2017, charlie rose. >> you know what, lonely is nothing i've ever known. >> stephen: really? >> i think you can be alone but not lonely. really, when i'm alone, i find it a joyful time. you know. >> stephen: when i-- >> i really do. but at the same time i'm anxious to be with people, with friends,

okay, my car -- >> stephen: was this on "law & order: svu." >> stephen: >> i'm latina.der." okay, real talk. this week, my car got broken into. i've never had my car broken into. in los angeles. i wouldn't drive in new york. ( laughter ) so i was in my friend's apartment for 15 minutes,y come down, this gardner comes up to me in spanish and says, "this guy broke your window. he's right there." the guy was across the street. >> stephen: he hadn't run away? >> no, it had just happened. he was walking away. i had a maib up bag from like sephora, and i saw the black and white bag. he was walking away with it. and i was like, "damn, that's my bag." i looked at the gardner, "gracias," i crossed the street and chased after the dude. i chased after the guy with my makeup but i don't do it right away because i want to see where he turns so i know where he lives. >> stephen: when did this happen? >> tuesday,. >> stephen: you didn't chase him in those heels? >> oh, my god. are you serious. i almost went barefoot just to get more speed. i went after the guy, and i said, "hey, you g

oh, it's just begun to happen baby. >> okay. >> stephen: yeah. >> stephen. >> stephen: yeah. >> i don'tvoice fits with your big stick. >> stephen: oh, okay, yeah, that's cool. have a great-- have a great show. i should-- i should get-- i should go. what was that? hey! that's a great idea! why don't we both didgeridoo. okay, we'll double do it. are you d.t.d.d.? are you down to double didgeridoo? get it, let's do it. >> i guess. >> stephen: okay, great, awesome. >> but i don't have the didgeridoo. >> stephen: oh, really? what's that behind your ear? ( laughter ) here you go. five, six, seven, eight. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes matthew broderick, ali wentworth and musical guest fergie. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! hey, mark. how you doing, chris? ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! >> stephen: what's going on? philosophical. >> jon: philosophical. >> s

>> stephen: kids are humbling. yes! >> stephen: i'm from south carolina.. >> stephen: up near tennessee, south carolina. >> where we would get our fireworks because they weren't legal. >> stephen: south carolina, we have a death wish, all fireworks are legal in south carolina. >> legal? >> stephen: totally. they're fantastic. they have wearhouses up there in your part of the woods that you can blow up america. they have, like -- not that we need -- >> stephen: i'm sorry. what was that? ( laughter ) what was that gesture you were just doing? because we can't show that on cbs. i'm going to say that's a rocket. >> that was a rocket, yes. >> stephen: now, the new show you've got on u.s.a. is called "colony" about aliens who have landed in los angeles and they've taken over part of the government, right? >> yes. >> stephen: yes? yes. >> stephen: are the aliens more vicious than most people in los angeles? people in hollywood? >> can we say equal? >> stephen: sure, okay. o my guy is an f.b.i. agent, and when the walls went up, we had the idea first, bozo. ( laug

>> stephen: totally.show that on cbs. i'm going to say that's a rocket. >> that was a rocket, yes. >> stephen: now, the new show you've got on u.s.a. is called "colony" about aliens who have landed in los angeles and government, right? >> yes. >> stephen: yes? yes. >> stephen: are the aliens more vicious than most people in los angeles? people in hollywood? >> can we say equal? >> stephen: sure, okay. >> so my guy is an f.b.i. agent, and when the walls went up, we had the idea first, bozo. ( laughter ) you know who i'm talking about. nobody. so the walls go up, our family is separated, and my guy is trying to get them back together and survive. so it's centered around a family, but it's a microcosm for the entire planet. >> stephen: do you believe in aliens? >> i do. there must be aliens. look at me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what about you? only an alien would consider that a dad bod. ( laughter ) >> there has to be aliens, right? >> stephen: i would like t0 think there are aliens but

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! >> stephen: thanks, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) hey! thanks, everybody, please, have a seat. i am your host stephen colbert. yes i am, i checked my i.d. before i came out here. check your calendars. we are just three days away from donald trump's inauguration. >> audience: boo! >> stephen: and just two days away from all those time travelers coming back to stop him. or not. maybe he's going to be great. one thing we know is that he's going to do a lot of stuff... eventually, and i say "eventually" because here's what trump said to "the london time" i think when he was talking about his first executive orders: >> stephen: how do-- i don't understand. i don't understand. how is that confusing? how do you mix up signing with celebrating? "i'm sorry, i thought i was giving out an autograph. instead, i accidentally gave back the louisiana purchase." can somebody-- can can we? is that in the mail yet? so trump's not going to start until monday. he, apparently, thinks the president gets saturdays and sundays off. i

>> stephen: god, everybody. >> stephen: so, god, you can triumph over trump?look, don't you put this on me. you elected that guy. i haven't even voted since ross perot. >> stephen: but you can certainly triumph over him, if you have to, right? >> i don't know. trump has so many twitter followers! and vladimir putin's backing him! vlad said if i messed with his boy donald, he'd poison my sushi! >> stephen, but lord, you don't need protection, do you? >> no, i'm an all-powerful, omniscient being. also i bought a gun. check it out. pray hello to my little friend. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wait, lord, you got a gun? >> yeah, did you know how easy these are to get? glad they didn't run a background check. i've smited a lot of people. ( laughter ) >> stephen: god, i'd feel more comfortable if you put that thing away. >> if you say so, snowflake. >> god everybody. we have a great showwk for you tonight. l stick around. hey ramirez! un poquito mas rapido, no? [instrumental music plays] [wheel squeaking] hasta luego, profesor! [pumping of bike tire] [pumping of hospita

i am your host, stephen colbert.hat's me, that's me. >> jon: that's him. >> stephen: you guys are a cheap date. thank you so much. i don't know if you watched the tv this afternoon but president obama held his last press conference today. he talked about the complexities of peace in the middle east, universal health care, job creation. pretty boring stuff. and man, i am going to miss being bored. (laughter) (cheers and applause) at one point-- not going to be boring. it's going to be exciting. at one point he did have some strong words for russia. >> i think it's important just to remember that the reason sanctions have been put in place against russia has to do with their actions in ukraine. and it is important for the united states to stand up for the basic principle that big countries don't go around and invade and bully smaller countries. >> stephen: well said, big countries don't invade smaller countries for two more days. after that, trump and putin are going to flip a coin toñr see without gets denmark. (laugh

>> thank you, stephen.take the man out of mishawaka, but the spirit of this town is something you can't mishawak-away from. ( applause ) >> stephen: they do indeed say that. let's get right to the actual events that are happening this month in the greater mishawaka metroplex. adam? >> on january 20, the niles elks club will be hosting their monthly fish fry. they will be serving whitefish, baked potato, and coleslaw. it's all part of their ongoing culinary series, "foods that are white." ( laughter ) >> stephen: for you athletes, stop by st. patrick's county park next wednesday for the cross-country skiing. cross country skiing -- all the excitement of downhill skiing with none of the excitement. ( laughter ) >> on january 16, come on out to saint joseph public library, where local attorneys will be providing free legal advice to the public. here's a preview -- go with a lawyer who doesn't hang out at the library giving free advice. >> stephen: next thursday, teach the kids about nature with an outdoor clas

>> stephen: i don't.w as long as we put up the logo of your show -- "schitt's creek" -- when we say it. >> do you mind if i try it? >> stephen: go ahead. the name of the show is called "schitt's creek" ( applause ) >> stephen: i hear it's a great show. the show stars you, your sister say ray, your father the great levy and your mom katherine o'hara. here's your father right here. he's got enormous -- ( applause ) >> it looks like a presidential photo. that looks like his bid for the presidency. >> stephen: if only this was our president. >> could you imagine -- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: have you ever been overshadowed by his legacy, by that i mean his eyebrows? because you have some excellent eyebrows. >> i have to trim mine back. he just goes inflagrante with his. >> stephen: i don't speak spanish. >> unbridled hair growth. i think my head is too small for the proportion. the volume growing outwards would not be -- >> stephen: you're saying god gave you more eyebrow than your skull can handle?

>> stephen: sure.se ) >> stephen: well, "rings" opens february 3 and "the big bang theory" airs thursdays at 8:00, 7:00 central on cbs. johnny galecki, everybody. we'll be right back, stick around! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) hi guys, i want to get your opinions on the first - ever chevy cruze hatch... but more importantly, i wanted to get your opinions. (bark) you wanna check it out? (bark) the cruze has apple carplay compatibility. so when you plug your iphone in, some of your favorite apps show up. (bark) plenty of space for all of mia's friends. or not. gotta go! current qualified lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this first-ever cruze hatchback. plus, find your tag and get an additional $500 lease cash on select chevy vehicles. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. knows how it feels to seees your numbers go up, despite your best efforts. but what if you could turn things around? what if you could love your numbers? discover once-daily invokana®. it's the #1 prescribed sglt2 inhibitor t

>> stephen: this is "oprah helps stephen make anything exciting!"s is you right here. >> this is me right here. >> stephen: this is the first thing, even oprah can make this sound exciting ♪ your flight has been canceled ( applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. another you go. >> stephen: i'll try it. ♪ the lasting effects climate change are irreversible ♪ ( applause ). >> this is bad. ( laughter ) this is not good. >> you can make it sound good. >> okay. ♪ the tests are back. you have chlamydia ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and you have chlamydia! and you have chlamydia! and you have chlamydia! stick around, oprah and i are going to cook a sexy breakfast. and for just $15.99big festival of shrimp you can pick 2 of 6 new and classic creations on one plate new flavors like sweet bourbon-brown sugar grilled shrimp and bold firecracker red shrimp are too big to last so hurry in. i checked, everything's there... wait a minute... switch to geico and you could save a ton of money on your car insurance. why didn't you say s

i'm stephen colbert.'m so happy to be here and i will pinky swear on that, absolutely. ( laughter ) >> jon: there it is. there it is. >> stephen: now, for those of you who weren't paying attention, in one week, we'll have a new president. ( audience reacts ) in between time -- still got a week. still got a week. in the meantime, president obama is wrapping things up at the white house -- you know, cleaning out his desk, handing over the keys, spake ling over the holes in the office wall so he can get the security deposit back, squeeze a little toothpaste in there. it's also time for goodbyes, so the president had a reception to say thank you to vice president joe biden and reward him for his service. >> but i just want to get some folks together to pay tribute to somebody who's not only been by my side for the duration of this amazing journey, but somebody who has devoted his entire professional life to service to this country. for the final time as president, i am pleased to award our nation's highest ci

>> stephen: let's find out. >> okay... >> stephen: no, it's yours!, thanks. >> stephen: so, you know something the rest of us need to know, is that rick perry was a contestant. and rick perry is going to be the new secretary of energy. >> right. >> stephen: okay, does anything from his performance lead you to believe that he's going to be a great cabinet member? >> he didn't have much energy on our show. >> stephen: i beg to differ. jim, can we, can we show rick perry dancing? ♪ ♪ >> stephen: that just instills confidence! that's a cabinet member! that guy is in line to be president now. >> that's one of those performances, you sit back and you say, "bless his heart." it was so nice he came out and tried to be a part of our family. >> stephen: now, tell me what orangetheory is. >> orangetheory is a workout that i do and i would love all of you to try it and every single one of you here could go to our over 550 studios in the united states. it's strength training. it's cardiovascular. it's changed my life. why don't you come with me? tomorrow! >> step

>> stephen: i did. i was the murderer. >> you were a murderer. >> stephen: i was the murderer. murderer. >> i think we've learned -- >> stephen: we've learned so much. >> we've learned so much. i mean, really, the real question is, is there anything you and i can't do, except for, say, "hey, i love you." >> stephen: jim gaffigan, i love you. >> i love you, too ( applause ) jim gaffigan's standup special, "cinco," is now available on netflix. "law & order: svu" is on nbc. jim gaffigan, everybody! we'll be right back with cristela alonzo. with my moderate to severe ulcerative colitis, the possibility of a flare was almost always on my mind. thinking about what to avoid, where to go... and how to deal with my uc. to me, that was normal. until i talked to my doctor. she told me that humira helps people like me get uc under control and keep it under control when certain medications haven't worked well enough. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, li

>> stephen: this is "oprah helps stephen make anything exciting!"you right here. >> this is me right here. >> stephen: this is the first thing, even oprah can make this sound exciting ♪ your flight has been canceled ( applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. another you go. >> stephen: i'll try it. ♪ the lasting feesktz climate change are irreversible ♪ ( applause ). >> this is bad. ( laughter ) this is not good. >> you can make it sound good. >> okay. ♪ the tests are back. you have chlamydia ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and you have chlamydia! and you have chlamydia! and you have chlamydia! scientific are going to cook a sexy breakfast. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ hey dad! wishes do come true. the lincoln wish list sales event is on. get exceptional offers on the lincoln family of luxury vehicles. the final days of the lincoln wish list sales event are here. get a new 2017 lincoln mkc with zero down and a complementary first month's payment. imy moderate to severeng crohn's disease. i didn't think there was anything else to talk about. but then i realiz

i'm happy again. >> stephen: look, look, here's the thing. >> yeah, stephen. >> stephen:-- fear leadsger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, okay. >> okay sns sunny day, sleeping the clouds away. on my way to where the air is sweet, you can it tell me, you can tell me how to get to "sesame street." >> stephen: emmy please! sarah paulsen, everybody. (cheers and applause) we'll be right back with corey stoll. ,,,, to get a cma certification, you have to brave 8 hours of testing in the 11 most crucial areas of management accounting. only 50% will pass. done. so if you're one of them, feel free to brag. you've earned it. oh yeah. i want that. who's next? i'm next. after her. after him. the cma certification. you've got to earn it. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: i'm awfully excited about my next guest, is he a golden globe nominated actor known for the strain and house of cards. now in a if you new film, gold. please welcome corey stoll. (applause). >> stephen: nice to meet you. nice to meet you, never met you before. but are you one of my favor

>> yes. >> stephen: yes?he idea first, bozo. ( laughter ) you know who i'm talking about. nobody. so the walls go up, our family is separated, and my guy is trying to get them back together and survive. so it's centered around a family, but it's a microcosm for the entire planet. >> stephen: do you believe in all yens? >> i do. there must be aliens. look at me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what about you? only an alien that a dad bod. ( laughter ) >> there has to be aliens, right? >> stephen: i would like this think there are aliens but why haven't they contacted us yet? >> they're putting in the proxy government now, if you haven't figured that out. >> stephen: possible. meet meet. thank you for being here. season 2 of colony starts thursday on u.s.a. network. josh holloway, everybody! save up to one-thousandture, itdollars in bonus discountsent. to create your perfect home. plus you'll get twenty-four month, no-interest financing. hurry, the new year savings event e