>> stephen: sure. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm sorry. i'm sorry.ause ) i apologize. i apologize. we're not animals. we're not animals. is it nice having a handy man who makes things. has he made you, like, anything special? >> um, he's very good with his hands... ( laughter ) >> stephen: and how is he with his wood? ( laughter ) >> excellent. >> stephen: excellent. has he crafted you anything nice? like is it sort of like a kid making a macaroni frame for his mom. >> he's made me many macaroni frames which come in handy. he has mae as a matter of fact, the box that the engagement ring was in when he proposed to me was handcashed and it was heart-shaped in kind of 3d, and i opened it up and there was the ring. pretty good. >> stephen: pretty sexy. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you know he made it? did he say, "i made this?" >> well, yeah, i assumed. >> stephen: did you make it? >> i did make it. >> stephen: i just wanted to confirm. i just wanted to confirm. >> that would be crazy if it finally came out that he did not make it. >> stephen: he just went t

: there it is. >> thanks, stephen. >> stephen: "dean" opens june 2.ody. we'll be right back with paula poundstone. [hissing] uh- i- [sound of wrench] [intricate guitar riff] [engine starts] [guitar continues] ♪ music volume rises ] you guys wanna go? ♪ ♪ [whistles] get all summer essentials 30, 40, and 50 percent off. hi, fashion. old navy are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® it's starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. ♪ i love you, basement guest bathroom. your privacy makes you my number 1 place... ...to go number 2. i love you, but sometimes you stink. ♪ new febreze air effects with odorclear technology cleans... ...away odors like never before. because the things you love the most can stink. and try febreze small spaces to clean away odors for up... ...to 30 days. breathe happy with new febreze. i own my own company. i had some severe fatigue, some funny rashes. finally, listening to my wife, went to a doctor. and i bec

up here, steven-- stephen. (applause). >> stephen: all right.okay. >> stephen: i'm only human. >> eye contact. >> stephen: i understand. i understand. >> you know, deep in there is a six pack. >> stephen: down in your naval, like in a mini fridge. >> yeah, deep, deep. it's bigger than a mini fridge right now. but next time i come on your show, i'm going to be svelt. >> stephen: all right, all right. >> i'm going to spend my entire summer working out with my trainer. >> stephen: all right, i will see you in september. >> okay. >> stephen: that sounds good, that sounds good. (applause) all right, sounds good. now you have got a very serious project right now on tnt. it's called american race. its four hour long shows where you travel around the united states to talk to people about race. why did you want to do this? why now? >> well, i wanted to do a positive show on race. and it starts about the situation between the black community and the cops. >> we need to mend that fence. clearly some things that happened, the cops made some mistakes and som

and she loves you, stephen. oh, stephen. i love you so much. nice. >> he's like strawberry jam. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: noe red, lumpy? >> no, delicious! >> stephen: you're married almost two years now. congratulations on that. >> thank you. >> stephen: last time you were here. you were fairly new to marriage. >> yeah! >> stephen: got one. do you enjoy it? i love being married. i'm 24 years married now. and it's-- same lady. ( laughter ) are you-- are you digging it? >> in a row. yes. i-- it's delightful. it is-- i didn't know-- i generally am not very good at relationships. i have a hard time. i just needed to find a way to show people how much i love them, despite all my words and action. ( laughter ) and my husband got together -- >> stephen: his name is. >> scott cassidy. and he's a painter. hello, boo-boo. one thing i learned about love is something-- they tell you-- i didn't realize-- sometimes when you love somebody you might be irritated by them. and i read in some of my self-help literature that what you do is you embrace

hey, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, brad?ll of existence, what existed before the universe? >> stephen: that's a good question. probably just a teaser trailer for the universe, with, like, one really good scene that isn't even in the universe once it's released. hey, brad, do you believe in life after death? >> i'm not sure. i definitely believe in death after life. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah, yeah. >> stephen: gotta say, that's-- that's deep. >> yes, i am. aren't i? >> stephen: yeah. >> hey, stevie? >> stephen: yeah, bradley? >> why do we only remember some of our dreams? >> stephen: because not all of our dreams are about having sex in a helicopter. ( laughter ) >> sad, but true. so true. >> stephen: hey, bradford? >> yes, steve-arino? ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you think beauty is really only skin deep? >> i don't know. i've never taken my skin off. ( laughter ) hey, steve-amigo? >> yeah? yeah, bradley-trooper? ( laughter ) >> do you believe that clothes make the man? >> steph

>> stephen: yeah, wooo! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! how are you?heers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, what's up? good to see you. what's going on? thank you very much. you cannot keep a friday crowd down. that's the problem right there. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is. ( cheers and applause ) it is friday. i think we all need a weekend. except james comey. his started on tuesday. ( laughter ) and ever since comey was fired, folks at the f.b.i. have been feeling pretty demoralized. in fact, when asked for a comment, one veteran f.b.i. agent told a reporter, "who cares? nothing matters. no one knows anything. everything sucks." ( laughter ) i believe we have a photo of that agent: ( laughter ) come on, f.b.i. there's got to be something that would cheer you up. you've got those storage lockers filled with cocaine and bootleg dvds. just stay up all night and watch all the harry potter movies on fast forward. it's fun to watch them age. and you can understand why moral is low at the f.b.i. it's

>> stephen: yes. them. >> stephen: drag it out of them like an old tooth. >> we'll be back in the fall. >> stephen: i know, five years away. >> and you were on "curb your enthusiasm." you were great. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> putting the curse on larry. that was awesome. >> stephen: it was a lot of fun. >> but more than anything, and my stup is completely improvised. i just go up and start talking and i'm all good. i am! it works! >> stephen: i believe you. i know that you're all good. >> by the way, i always loved improvising with you, when i would come out to northwest and we'd hang out together. >> stephen: sure, sure, sure. >> amy sedaris and paul do nelo. those were some of the greatest days of my life. >> stephen: you had a tendency to walk out on stage and put a stick of dynamite and blow it up. >> no. >> stephen: the audience loved you and we would be working on a scene, and you'd come out, "would you like to stroke my beard, admiral pudi pants?" and it would get a huge response. sce

. >> stephen: was i?re best dressed. >> stephen: no, you were. look at this thing. >> wow! what an out fit. >> stephen: amy, who are we wearing in this photograph? >> we are wearing zac posen. >> stephen: we love zach. >welove zach on "the late show"" you actually let me touch it. >> i know. >> stephen: i think you insisted that i touch it. >> i may have threatened you to touch it, right. >> stephen: it's like leather and armor at the same time. it has scales. >> i don't know, dude, but i'll tell you what, home girl was sweating. why can't we be comfortable at that thing? i get it -- >> stephen: is this one of the things you wear if you're trying team. spit in a cup all day before you weigh-in. >> that's what they do for actresses, your weight-- not me. >> stephen: that's the fanciest thing you go to, right, because everybody is in the fanciest dress possible. it's in a fancy location. >> yeah! >> stephen: they close the bar so early. >> i know, what's that about i had to go home early and black out on my

i'm stephen colbert. well, the last 24 hours have just raised more questions about why donald trump fired f.b.i. director james comey. okay. no one seems to know why. donald trump doesn't seem to know why. ( laughter ) first, he said it was based on the recommendation of assistant attorney general and 50-year-old just hitting puberty, rod rosenstein. ( laughter ) hang in there, rod. trump even sent mike pence out there to repeat it. "what are you going to do? rod says he's gotta go. rod's the man." some people were skeptical that this was true. for instance, rod rosenstein, who said, and i'm paraphrasing, "what? no! sorry, fellas, no." at one point, rosenstein actually threatened to quit. it will be detailed in his tell-all book "threatening courage." ( laughter ) still, the white house staff kept repeating that the decision came after the recommendation from rod. and today donald trump backed those staffers up and then ran over them repeatedly by changing his story. >> monday you met with the deputy atto

>> stephen: how was your weekend? >> jon: great. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen? >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. huge story that broke just minutes ago, like, less than 10 minutes ago. f.b.i. director james comey has just been fired by donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: wooo! >> stephen: huge, huge donald trump fans here tonight. that shows no gratitude at all. >> jon: man. >> stephen: did trump forget about the hillary emails that comey talked about? i mean "thanks for the presidency, jimmy. now don't let the door hit you where the electoral college spli i'm shocked. my heart is pumping. my pulse is racing. he fired the f.b.i. director who has said under oath that he's investigating the trump campaign's ties to russia. no rationale has been given yet as to why but it came on the recommendation of attorney general jeff sessions. >> audience: booo! >> stephen: i think-- i think i might know why. i think he was fired because comey couldn't ge guess the name rump pel still skin. trump sent comey a all right in which

god is there. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> nice to see you, stephen. >> stephen: i want to thankw, because this past weekend, sick as a dog, laid out o shivering under blankets and because it's my birthday weekend, my wife said, "you can watch anything ultimate." for three days, i watched every show of "veep." >> it didn't heel you, did it? >> stephen: no. >> it might have made you sickir. >> stephen: it might have. i'm going to pretend for purposes of our interview it's a cbs property. it's the best show on television. >> it's the best show on cbs, "veep." this show is pretty good. i get all my news from this show. >> stephen: i'm so sorry. that's a terrible idea. >> we're not supposed to get our news here? >> stephen: no, i get my news from "veep" because it's a happier view of american government. >> it is, isn't it? it's escapism. >> stephen: you must feel when you do this, "we can't possibly be portraying something worse than our present government." or rather, you must feel like, "our present government must be better than this." but it doesn't feel like it is. >> we'll see

>> stephen: i do. i do. i think, if i'm-- if i'm hearing you correctly, you are saying that god wanted the guardians of the galaxy to be made. let's just leave it there. >> yeah, i'm with it. he is a big fan. >> stephen: yeah, well, everybody. this is a huge movie. and not just like united states huge, this is like china huge and like brazil huge. >> yeah. >> stephen: and japan, everywhere we owe money, huge. so what is it like for you to go anywhere in the world? does everybody know you now as star lord? >> well, you know, i'm not sure i have the best gauge because when i go to places, it's not as if i'm going to travel. i'm really going to promote a movie. i like to say i'm not necessarily traveling some where it's more i'm shipped somewhere, you know. and when i arrive, the city we're arriving knows we're come sog there will be people at the airport dressed up, like the guardians of the galaxy. i think i have a skewed perfect-- perspective. if i just went somewhere on my own which i really haven't been ab

>> stephen: great. this is stephen colbert's midnight confessions!aughter ) standard disclaimer -- i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay. be right back. ( laughter ) forgive me audience: neil degrasse tyson is my favorite guest-- and my least favorite movie reviewer. ( laughter ) i know lightsabers wouldn't work in real life, just let me have this, neil! sometiwh i walk around my neighborhood wearing a shirt that says, "as seen on tv." ( laughter ) i love my coffee mug. 'cause this ain't coffee. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that smells -- canadian. ( cheers and applause ) ( soft organ music ) when i want to feel good, i do random acts of kindness. and when that doesn't work, random acts of violence. ( laughter ) i still think there's a small chance i have jedi powers. ( laughter ) when i kill a house fly, i leave it's body there, and yell "you're next you bastards!" no shoes, no service", i always think "they're gonna be sorry they didn't include pants". ( laughter ) sometimes i have so many tabs open in my brows

. >> stephen: yeah, wow. were you talented, i didn't know. >> yeah, i know, i know, i think it's a big joke. they're like come to l.a. you are going to win, am i? nou. >> stephen: louis c.k. >> i think fun-- . >> stephen: you can drink at the golden globes. >> that's the thing. the golden globes is probably better to be at than host that because you are getting drunk and you don't care. whereas the emmys they are all sitting there and but they are sober so it is good to perform at but-- when i'm up for emmys which is every year, i don't win them. but they say do you want to hand one out. and i always say yes because i know there will be a break and i will get backstage and have a beer. because it is three hours without a beef watching it. so basically, that's all i say-- say,. >> stephen: done, peace be with you. ricky in new york and l.a., tickets go on sale tomorrow. ricky ger-- gervais, everybody. we'll be right back with corey hawken. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, you know my next guest is t

: there it is. >> thanks, stephen. >> stephen: "dean" opens june 2.y. we'll be right back with paula poundstone. [hissing] uh- i- [sound of wrench] [intricate guitar riff] [engine starts] [guitar continues] ♪ music volume rises ] you guys wanna go? ♪ ♪ [whistles] get all summer essentials 30, 40, and 50 percent off. hi, fashion. old navy are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® it's starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. ,, internet speeds 20x faster. at&t fiber sounds amazing. wait a sec, i'm not done yet. less than 12% of at&t homes actually qualify. huh... hold on. everyone else gets our other, slower internet speeds. but no one reads this stuff anyway. except for the old guy with the binoculars. huh... we got ourselves a reader. don't be fooled by at&t. xfinity delivers the fastest speeds to the most homes. ( band playing ) ♪ ♪ ( applause ) hey, everybody, welcome back. my next guest is a fantastic stand-up comedian and reg

: there it is. >> thanks, stephen. >> stephen: "dean" opens june 2.y. we'll be right back with paula poundstone. [hissing] uh- i- [sound of wrench] [intricate guitar riff] [engine starts] [guitar continues] ♪ music volume rises ] you guys wanna go? ♪ [whistles] get all summer essentials 30, 40, and 50 percent off. hi, fashion. old navy are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® it's starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) hey, everybody, welcome back. my next guest is a fantastic stand-up comedian and regular panelist on "wait wait... don't tell me." poundstone! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) come on up. ♪ ♪ >> hey! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well, as i said-- >> thank you. >> stephen: i've been a fan-- i've been a fan forever. >> well, thank you so much. that's nice to hear. >> stephen: i don't know how many times i saw you on dave over the years. >> well, i don't know, either. >> stephen: you've also been on "wait w

>> i haven't. >> stephen: no? prepared a few. >> yes, because i need the vocal warmup before the show. >> stephen: we do this occasionally when we have stage actors on we like to do vocal warmups to give them another tool to use. you look at that one and i'll look at this one. >> okay. >> stephen: ready? ladies and gentlemen, this is "the 'late show's' new vocal warm-ups"! ( trumpet ) want to go first? >> i'll go. the first one is -- billy crystal pistol whips hillbillies silly. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's nice. don cheadle downs cheetos whilst donning torn chinos. ( laughter ) ( applause ) mm-hmm. >> pavarotti's maserati propelled him promptly to the potty. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: dumps mcgumps sump-pumped for fun and loudly bumped mumford and sons. ( laughter ) ( applause ) vocal warmups! you can see her in "a doll's house, part 2" on broadway, and at the tonys, june 11 on cbs. laurie metcalf, everybody! we'll be right back with april ryan. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) we, the devic

i'm your host, stephen colbert.but i've got a little extra pep in my step tonight because donald trump has left the country. ( cheers and applause ) breathing a little easier. federal judges, now would be a good time to reinstate that travel ban. ( laughter ) he's flying back from a dangerous part of the world. he said some radical stuff. i'm just saying, extreme vetting. that's all i'm asking for. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) where does his money come from, so many unknowns. his first stop this weekend was saudi arabia, where trump was greeted on the tarmac by king salman. that's nice. airport pickup. ( laughter ) just call me, i'll be circling. just call me. the saudis know that the quickest way to trump's heart is through his ego. so they put up trump-themed billboards everywhere. including one of his tweets, "great to be in riyadh, saudi arabia. looking forward to the afternoon and evening ahead. #potus-abroad." ( laughter ) they even put one of his tweets on the welcome sign. "welcome to riyadh. rosie