>> stephen: how was your weekend? >> jon: great. ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: hey!come to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) huge story that broke just minutes ago, like, less than ten minutes ago. f.b.i. director james comey has just been fired by donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: wooo! >> stephen: wow, huge, huge donald trump fans here tonight. that shows no gratitude at all. >> jon: man. >> stephen: i mean, did trump forget about the hillary emails that comey talked about? i mean "thanks for the presidency, jimmy. now don't let the door hit you where the electoral college splits you. ( laughter ) i'm shocked. my heart is pumping. my pulse is racing. he fired the f.b.i. director who has said under oath that he's investigating the trump campaign's ties to russia. no rationale has been given yet as to why, but it came on the recommendation of attorney general jeff sessions. ( audience boos ) i think-- i think i might know why. i think he was fired because comey couldn't guess the name rumplestiltskin. ( laughter ) no

stephen! stephen!reat -- >> stephen: i have to talk to my-- i gotta talk to my wife. i have to pray with my spiritual adviser, obviously. >> , of course. i mean, you would make a great potus, i do think that. >> stephen: hold on. you might make a good speaker of the house. >> i mean, maybe, if you have any room on your administration, i would be honored. >> stephen: well, here's the thing, is i have found out that you look a lot like paul ryan. >> i've been told that. i don't see it. >> stephen: well, i do see it because here's this-- i believe you actually-- you helped make this. >> well, that's my head shot, actually. >> stephen: okay, this is your head shot. i'm going to do this. hold on. this is-- this is-- okay. paul ryan. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's pretty good. >> thank you. >> stephen: that's pretty good. >> i mean, i see a little. you know what is so disturbing to me about this picture-- a lot of things are. but he is so-- he's so much-- he's in such better shape than i am. see hee is so

. >> stephen: was i?were best dressed. >> stephen: no, you were. look at this thing. >> wow! what an outfit. >> stephen: amy, who are we wearing in this photograph? >> we are wearing zach posen. >> stephen: we love zach. we love zach on "the late show." you actually let me touch it. >> i know. >> stephen: i think you insisted that i touch it. >> i may have threatened you to touch it, right. >> stephen: it's like leather and armor at the same time. it has scales. >> i don't know, dude, but i'll tell you what, homegirl was sweating. why can't we be comfortable at that thing? i get it -- >> stephen: is this one of the things you wear if you're trying to make weight for the wrestling team. spit in a cup all day before you weigh-in. >> that's what they do for actresses, your weight-- not me. >> stephen: that's the fanciest thing you go to, right, because everybody is in the fanciest dress possible. it's in a fancy location. >> yeah! >> stephen: they close the bar so early. >> i know, what's that about? i had t

>> stephen: george washington university. >> stephen: you ran for-- >> president of the school. >> stephen really jealous, because nixon is my guy. he's my president. >> is he? >> stephen: because i remember the watergate hearings. that's my first introduction to presidency and you got this fantastic letter from nixon right there, richard nixon himself. he calls you alex. >> you know what the greatest part is, is he writes, "from our mutual friend mark weinberg i have learned of the disappointing results, as far as you are concerned" he writes. >> stephen: "as far as you are concerned of the recent george washington university student body elections. the important thing is that you cared enough to enter the arena." >> "enter the arena." >> stephen: are you ever going to re-enter the arena? >> no, no. >> stephen: come on. entertainers can be presidents. >> but, you tell me what you thin, because you did one of the most astute, super political shows for years, and that is i think trump-- it's not going to swing back-- it's not going to stay that way, meaning it's not going to open the door f

>> stephen: i'll watch it. >> stephen! >> stephen: "love connection" airs thursdays on fox.'ll be right back with "the daily show's" jordan klepper. stick around. yeah, at first i thought it was just the stress of moving. [ sighs ] hey, i was using that. what, you think we own stock in the electric company? i will turn this car around right now! there's nobody back there. i was becoming my father. [ clears throat ] it's...been an adjustment, but we're making it work. you know, progressive.com makes it easy for us to get the right home insurance. [ snoring ] progressive can't protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto. [ chuckles ] all right. and that doesn't happen every by accident - it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. almost as long as it took me to master this look. ♪ still practicing. it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. there's more behind the star. for the gifts dad really wants!y and get kohl's cash for you! rock dad with a portable record player and get $10 kohl's cash! give him the fitbit blaze and get

. >> stephen: what?e. >> stephen: he might have been earlier than her but she was the first saint. i promise you. >> he was a saint, and he was a hairdresser. he was a hairdresser, and he is at st. patrick's canada ca neederal. >> stephen: it was st. paul mitchell. st. vidal sassoon. you know what? twitter is going to let you know. but he was a hairdress gler we'll take a break. you can stick around for another thing. >> when hoe got done cutting people's hair, they were like, "this is a miracle." >> stephen: we'll be right back with more jim gaffigan. don't go anywhere. mmm. ♪ [mel torme sings "comin' home baby"] hey there. want a lift? ♪ where are we going? no don't tell me. let me guess. ♪ have a nice ride. ♪ how far would you go for coffee that's a cup above? i brought you nespresso. nespresso. what else? getshop early birds for dady. plus - take an extra 20% off sale prices! like a stylish watch for just $15.99 a new golf shirt for $17.59 or a camp shirt for $19.99. you'll get kohl's cash too! kohl'

>> stephen: voting? oh, no. >> stephen: we tried that one.fair amount of heat yourself. you're a bit of a scapegoat for people who do like the president, they told you to go back to canada because, spoiler alert, you're from vancouver. >> i'm from vancouver, british columbia. >> stephen: have you thought about blowing this popsicle stand and go back north? >> not yet. our prime minister is the most -- he's available. i call trump stump. that's a funny. i think his biggest supporters would rather bang the prime minister of canada than him even, i would imagine, if given the choice. i would. >> stephen: you know what? a lot of people are just looking for a guy to make 'em laugh. >> that's true. that's why they would both choose me. but they're legalizing weed the next year in canada, which is great. >> stephen: in vancouver, i have been to vancouver, you can't say it's not legal there. >> it's legal in vancouver. >> stephen: on camera, people were trying to throw weed at me. nothing happened to them. >> sounds fantastic. yeah, i'm from there. y

> stephen: hey!> stephen: now, does abbey know that we're hanging out tonight? >> she does. >> stephen: is she okay with it? >> she says hi. whoever of us dwets to see you, we're very happy. >> stephen: okay with seeing other people. >> yeah. >> stephen: all right, last time you were here it was the two of you, and our good friend doris kerns goodwin, and this was during the convention last summer before-- in the "before times" as i call them. >> yeah, yup. >> stephen: do you have any memories of that night? how has the world changed for you? >> i was talking about it on our ride here because i couldn't believe the last time that we had been here, i could not believe it. >> stephen: was it during the republican or democratic convention, do you remember? >> i think it was the d.n.c. but we met doris -- >> stephen: who is wonderful. >> yes, and she was so lovely, and we said, "doris, do you think there's any chance that he could win?" and she was like, not a chance. not a country that, you know, is bui

stephen colbert. i'd like to thank my colleagues for allowing me to be in here and i do call you my colleagues even though i'm not a senator and i'm only here because i want a radio call in contest, where the hits are so old we replace their hips. what was i? right. mr. comey, is there any evidence that president trump colluded with russia. >> not a question i can answer in an open setting. >> stephen: what if we i had made a pillow, would you tell me in there? >> no. >> stephen: can you give me a hint? >> no. >> stephen: how about i ask a question in a different way. let's say you had anker orange cat, really fat and lies a lot. would the cat enjoy drinking vodka? >> difficult to say in the abstract. >> stephen: i admit that's a reach. we're not getting anywhere and security will drag me out. i'll make it easy. you don't have to respond with words. just signal in any way, did donald trump collude with the russians? ( laughter ) ( applause ) got it. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colb

i get enough of that. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen!e're going to get to the book. we're going to get to the book. you're very kind. so you have a book now. it's called "are you anybody?"? >> yes. >> stephen: what does that mean? >> i walked out of the-- literally out of the stage door out of the theater, an autograph seeker came up to me face to face and said, "are you ybody?" hold on. ( laughter ) i looked at him for 30 seconds and i said, "no." ( laughter ) but i wrote this for my kids. >> stephen: it's a memoir. >> a memoir/kind of everything. >> stephen: "a memoir." >> oh, shut up. >> stephen: it says, "a memoir." i have a research team. they read the cover. >> okay! ( laughter ) it's a memoir. i wrote it for my kids. i have five kids. i have an older daughter. she's in her late 30s, she's 41. and then i go 12, 10, and two 7s, and they have no idea what daddy does for a living. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> they think i eat lunch. because they come -- >> stephen: big part of the work. >> well, they come to the set, and i eat lunch. so th

>> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions!"and applause ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. ( laughter ) okay, i'll be right back. ( organ music playing softly ) forgive me, audience. i go to the gym on rainy days, so it looks like i'm sweating a lot. ( laughter ) always yens -- alway audience, all my ties are really clip-on, and so are my pants. ( laughter ) ah! whoo! ( cheers and applause ) ah, that really cools things off. ( laughter ) i've never blamed a fart on my dog. ( laughter ) tax evasion, once. ( laughter ) i never drink alone, because i have a mirror back here. ( laughter ) come here often? ( laughter ) i know you do. when i was younger, i got a tattoo. now i can't find it. ( laughter ) i lied and told my kids that our family dog moved to a farm upstate, but he really moved to a loft in brooklyn. ( laughter ) i tell little kids i can make balloon animals, but i lack lung strength. ( laughter ) who wants wormy? ( laughter ) i don't want to brag

>> stephen: great. this is stephen colbert's "midnight confessions!"plause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, wait right there. ( laughter ) ( soft organ music ) forgive me, audience: as a catholic, i believe that jesus is always by my side. i also believe that this entitles me to use the carpool lane. ( laughter ) my doctor tells me to limit my alcohol intake to one glass of wine a day. but last time i checked, bottles are made of glass. ( cheers and applause ) last week, i won $500 at a "stephen colbert" look-alike contest. ( laughter ) i finished third. ( laughter ) i dropped my iphone in the toilet, but told the guy at the apple store that it fell off my speedboat. ( laughter ) sometimes, when i'm lonely, i run red lights just so i'll get pulled over and i'll have someone to talk to. ( laughter ) "a ticket? for me? but i didn't get you anything." ( laughter ) whenever my dentist asks me if i've been flossing, i always say the same thing: no habla ingleÉ. (

. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes eric stonestreet. john mcenroe. and musical guest lillie mae. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) that's right. hey, what's going on? thanks very much. welcome to "the late show." thank you very much for being here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) hey, you remember how the republicans have been promising to repeal and replace obamacare for seven years now? yeah. it's their most consistent message other than "turn down that hip-hop racket, you kids!" and this is the week because senate majority leader and unacknowledged love child of admiral akbar, mitch mcconnell -- so sad. so sad. won't return his phone calls. ( laughter ) -- has promised he will pass trumpcare before the july 4th recess. and he has got to, because mcconnell knows if they don't pass it now, there's a serious danger someone might read it. no

stephen: okay. stephen: what can we expect from the new season? >> ooh, okay. we can expect no spoilers. we can expect the show takes place over three days, which is not how it's gone in the past. >> stephen: the whole season's here. >> the whole season, 72 hours, that's the entire show. >> stephen: last season's spoiler ended with the inmates taking over the prison. >> that's exactly right. so now we pick up right at that moment and we see the prisoners, they take control of the prison, and they're in power, and we get to see what each of these women do when they have power or become empowered. >> stephen: we have a clip in here. can you tell us what's going to happen in this one? >> this clip is about the blue sky. the sky the blue. >> stephen: the sky is blue, jim. >> again, i'd like to point out how a good night's rest might solve a myriad of emotional issues! you think your feelings are real, but they're not. trust me. it's, like, the sky is bring, right? but when there are clouds, you think it

(cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the late show, i'm your host, stephen colbert. man, it is good to be back in the u.s.a. (cheers and applause) i don't know if you knew this, but i was in russia last week. you know who did know i was in russia? russian intelligence. (laughter) hard-core fans, evidently, followed me everywhere. also got some attention from american intelligence. a couple guys seemed to pop up wherever we went. you know, but it's important to keep your eye on a comedian while he is in russia, you know, doing jokes, you know, i could be over there, i could be giving state secrets to the russians. oh wait, somebody's already got that covered. my apologies. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: somebody's watching that guy, someone should investigate-- anyway, we just got back last night, this is true, so i'm still on moscow time. and we shoot this show six hours before broadcast. and moscow is seven hours ahead, which means my body is one hour later, which i think makes me james corden right now.

"i can stop tweet anything time i want, stephen. >> stephen: see what i'm saying?'ll stop, will power. >> stephen: let me ask you about the health care fight-- >> just a quickie. just a quickie. "fake news. lies all about the travel ban. we must dot, dot, dot. " ( laughter ) >> stephen: we must what? >> i don't know, midsentence is the only time i stop tweeting. enjoy! >> stephen: cartoon donald trump, everybody. we'll be right back with salma hayek pinault. stop that! stop that! perform with old eq. foul! (blows whistle) upgrade your game to intel's fastest processor. ♪ it's ok that everybody ignoit's fine.n i drive. because i get a safe driving bonus check every six months i'm accident free. because i don't use my cellphone when i'm driving. even though my family does, and leaves me all alone. here's something else... i don't share it with mom. i don't. right, mom? i have a brand new putter you don't even know about! it's awesome. safe driving bonus checks, only from allstate. sometimes i leave the seat up on purpose. switching to allstate is worth it. introducin

>> yes. >> stephen: is she here. >> ruth. >> stephen: say hi to ruth, everybody.ave kids. >> i do, i have three. >> stephen: three kids. boys, girls? >> two girls, one boys. >> stephen: another great. are they nice to their brother? >> mmmm... sometimes, yes. >> stephen: bad dad just threw you under the bus, girls. i can have the first card please. y here's the final draft of a card. "happy father's day to my one and only dad." that's nice. very sweet. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you never know. you never know. you never do know. how old are they? >> 21, 21, and 18. >> stephen: so twins? >> no we brady bunched it. >> stephen: you joined the family together, that's nice. >> stephen: okay, ben, here's one. okay. there you go. thank you. but the first draft read: ( laughter ) on the weekends, just some boxer shorts is nice. >> after 5. >> stephen: after 5:00? that's nice, very formal of you. that's very nice. let's get some breeze in there. here's a nice one. it's a very sweet one. it says: that's very sweet. but the first draft read, "want to get high?" you don't do,

look hard, stephen! look hard! look hard, stephen! look hard!>> that's a bad (bleep) right there! >> stephen: i'm fellin' it. tickets for "the big3" are available now at big3.com. ice cube, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian marc maron. with unitedhealthcare, you can get rewarded for all kinds of things... like walking. hey, honey. dad, where's the car? thought we'd walk. he's counting steps. walk, move and earn money... goal! dad... hey, we wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance. look at this dad, he's got some moves! money you can use on out-of-pocket medical expenses. he's ok, yeah! unitedhealthcare heineken is served it's world famous. like me. come here. look! it happens all the time. antonio banderas! it's antonio banderas from the movies. enjoyed in 192 countries. there's more behind the star. text "blades" to gillette on demand noo text to reorder blades... ...and get $3 off your first order with gillette on demand. depression is a tangle of multiple symptoms. ♪ that's why there's trintellix, a prescription medicat

stephen! >> stephen: hey, everybody, please, have a seat. you're too kind. to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) uh, donald-- thanks so much. donald trump may be out of the country, but he is still the toast of washington. or whatever reason he's that color. i think it's toasting. ( laughter ) today-- just today, this morning? the trump administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled, "a new foundation for american greatness," which is just a slightly grandiose for a financial document. it's like calling your grocery list "a bold vision for yogurt and dog food." ( laughter ) now-- not a lot on that list. there wasn't a lot on that list. now, uh, that foundation of america's greatness? what he's building that on? it turns out he's building that foundation out of the ground-up bones of poor people, because this budget cuts things like the food stamp program, snap, and the children's health insurance program, chip. so he's cutting "snap" and "chip," to which america's children replied "stop" and "help." ( laughter ) i kno

( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: thanks! have a seat! you're very kind, ladies and gentlemen. folks, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert ( cheers and applause ) happy st. comey's day, everybody! of course, everybody celebrates comey day if their own way. we're kind of traditionalists around here. we watched tv and wrote jokes. everybody was looking forward to the former f.b.i. director testifying about all the juicy details of his meetings with donald trump. because, remember, comey wrote everything down. and all his memos are going to be collected in his new children's book: "james and the guilty orange." ( cheers and applause ) heart warming. a lost masterpiece. ( piano riff ) tim burton's going to make a movie of it. and now, your former f.b.i. director, standing six foot eight, out of the university of chicago, and out of a job, james comey! ( cheers and applause ) of course, it was important testimony. so they had to swear him in. >> please stand. ( laughter ) >> stephen: again, he's like six-eight. let's go ba

>> stephen: it was.no it was-- yes, it was beautiful to be there. as a spiritual atheist that i am. good start to a thing in america. >> stephen: sure, why not? >> i don't be in the guy upstairs. i believe in us. i believe in humanity. i think there's more good will than ill will in the world. >> stephen: it is nice. you can sometimes-- you can sometimes have that reinforced when you see a quarter of a million people get together with good will. >> absolutely. >> stephen: love for each other. >> absolutely. and unfortunately our politics last year went weird in your country and my country. in france it's gone kind of beautiful this year. ( applause ) yes. and as you mention, i'm now performing in four languages-- it's up to 45 countries now you know around the world. comedy exists all around the world. sense of humor is human and not national. that's the interesting thing. the french have this, and the germans don't have-- it's not true. it's actually-- it's all around the world. it's the references that

>> stephen: lovely to see you again. >> we have to go? >> stephen: yes.do the anal sex story? >> stephen: no, do you guys want to hear the anal sex story? ( applause ) so, how do you and george approach parenting differently? >> i'm so glad you asked me! ( laughter ) i'm assume weg're at commercial now. >> stephen: yeah, none of this is going on air. ( laughter ) >> he's very serious and i use humor, mostly to deflect. >> stephen: he has to be serious. he's an attorney, he has to tell the truth. >> yes, he has to tell the truth. >> stephen: he has to tell the truth! >> i know! i'm just doing that because you did it. >> stephen: i did not start this! >> you started it. ( laughter ) you started it. we'll roll back the tape. now it's a two-hour show. so my daughter who is in sixth grade, they got this book called it's perfectly normal which is for their sex ed, and it's very provocative. i was reading chapter 12 and 13 and i was, like, oh, my god, i have no idea. so we're sitting at dinner and my little daughter says, mommy and daddy, have you ever had anal

>> stephen: enjoy! enjoy!embers of the trump administration have been defending the move, including vice president and man pretending to think, mike pence, who said the climate change debate has just gotten too political. >> for some reason or another, this issue of climate change has emerged as a paramount issue for the left. >> stephen: yeah, for some reason, those lefties want the earth to remain inhabitable. probably because that's where george clooney lives. coincidence? meanwhile, things continue to happen in the trump-russia scandal. it's full of surprises. just when you thought you knew what was going on, it turns out, it's exactly what you thought. case in point, we learned last week that back in december, trump son-in-law and proud graduate of cobra kai, jared kushner, held a secret meeting with russian bank c.e.o. and man who's pretending he has a mustache, sergey gorkov. gorkov-- gorkov is the head of the government-owned, vnesheconombank. and gorkov is a close putin ally, who is also "a graduate o

>> stephen: merv. merv. >> stephen: you just went to japan, right?what's that like. got to go to japan. >> stephen: for business or pleasure? >> just for pleasure and to see japan. my wife had been before and i had never been. i loved it. i am not -- i would rather in life be polite than do anything. so, like, if you and i were walking through a doorway, i would go like thissened and if you went like that, i would go like that, and if you went like that, it would go on for an hour. in japan, there's a sense of etiquette that so jibes with me where, like, you would rather, like, just curl up into a ball than ever offend anyone. and i'm very bad at walking around the streets as a human being -- >> stephen: anywhere or japan? anywhere, but i did well in japan because it was like excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. ( laughter ) i was there with my wife all day long walking around because i want everyone to like me. i once said hello to balloons because they were in my peripheral vision, i and i thought, better safe than sorry, hi! it was balloons

( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: hello, everybody! very nice. very nice. ( piano riff ) ( cheering ) >> stephen: folks, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) there have been a lot of moments in donald trump's brief presidency that have raised eyebrows and lowered expectations. but i'm not entirely sure, but i'm going to guess things are really going poorly inside the white house right now because today he had his first full cabinet meeting. they usually have them earlier than this, but it was hard to schedule around all their meetings with the russian ambassador. but they got that ironed out. ( cheers and applause ) very popular guy. and for this meeting, they let in the cameras so every single person around the table could speak freely. just whatever was on their mind. good or bad! just the honest, unvarnished truth. and, funny thing -- they all said this -- >> mr. president, my privilege to be here. i'm deeply honored, and i want to thank you for your commitment to the american workers. >> on behalf