>> stephen: i did. the murderer. i was the murderer. >> i think we've learned-- >> stephen: we've learned so much. >> we've learned so much. i mean, really, the real question is, is there anything you and i can't do, except for, say, "hey, i love you." >> stephen: jim gaffigan, i love you. >> i love you, too, thanks. >> audience: awww. ( applause ) >> stephen: jim gaffigan's standup special, "cinco," is now available on netflix. "law & order: svu" is on nbc. jim gaffigan, everybody! we'll be right back with cristela alonzo. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ switched to unlimited fromust sprint, and each gets $100 dollars in free pokémon go pokécoins. now, they're prepared. to capture even more pokémon. (vo) go to your sprint store and switch to get $100 in pokécoins free. and get unlimited for $25 per for people with hearing loss, month for four lines. visit sprintrelay.com. ♪ little girl and boy land ♪ while you dwell within it ♪ you are ever happy there daddy, it's christmas! ♪ childhood's joy land never le

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you!, everybody! please, you're very kind. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. very nice, very nice group of people. happy friday, everybody. doesn't it feel great? ( cheers and applause ) getting so close. getting close to the end of the year. and everybody's working on their resolutions. mine is for america to knuckle down and make pick our own president next time. ( cheers and applause ) donald trump-- donald trump-- donald trump continues to deny any russian interference in the 2016 election. now, "the washington post" published a massive article yesterday, and we learned that in january trump's advisers begged him to accept the findings of the intelligence community about russian interference. as one aide remembers, "this was part of the normalization process. there was a big effort to get him to be a standard president." good luck. ( laughter ) if you can get him to accept that russia hacked the election, see if you can get him to accept

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! >> stephen: look what just happened. hey, everybody.ase, have a seat. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. if you'll excuse me, i'm a little shaky tonight because my heart has been hurting all day due to a condition my doctor calls "hope." ( laughter ) i hope i'm pronouncing that correctly. i haven't-- i haven't been saying that word that much this year because it's been a rough year. we have buried under an avalanche of bad news, but through the rubble of 2017, there was a glimmer of light, because last night, roy moore lost to doug jones! in alabama. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. i mean it's a good country. it just-- just need a little something. just feels good. >> it islet best gift given on the first night of han what. you're welcome, roy moore's jewish lawyer. this is the deepest of the deep south. all rooteds lead north from this election. jones is the first democrat to win an alabama senate seat in 25 years. ( applause ) so-- a quarter of a century. so the last time alabama elected a

>> stephen: you don't have time. >> go. >> stephen: cubs or sox. >> cubs. >> stephen: thin or thicketet. >> stephen: sears or hancock. >> hancock. >> stephen: and sears or willis? i'm for sears but have i to go by willis lake or river. >> lake. >> stephen: 12 inch or 16 inch. >> 16 inch softball. >> this is a family friendly show, yeah, yeah, yeah. if you are not from chicago you don't know what that means. >> stephen: only in chicago if you have like an office league or something like that, the softballs they use are basically, they take a basketball and wrap it in horse hair. >> here is what happens, 16 inch. >> stephen: they are huge trk looks like the moon is eclipsing the entire thing when it comes at you. >> stephen: all right, one last thing, you work for two administrations, the trump administration just acknowledged jerusalem as the capitol of israel. why didn't the two administrations you worked for do that? >> first of all, no democrat, republican president would ever do this. >> stephen: just asking about the administrations you worked for. >> because it's bad policy. >> s

>> no. >> stephen: okay.o say. >> stephen: how are you? i'm okay. >> stephen: yeah? i'm dealing with normal human anxiety and fear and coupled with what's happening in our country, it's laying me out. >> stephen: you have a twitchy eye? >> i do. >> stephen: this eye won't stop twitching either. >> it's been twitching since january 20. >> stephen: i'm afraid to examine why it might be twitching. >> don't go there. no looking inside. >> stephen: not till the show's over. people don't want to see me cry. >> they might, actually. >> stephen: no, that's cruel. not from a pain, but just, like, look at him weeping. >> stephen: look at him weeping. that's hilarious. >> that is so funny. >> stephen: now, you have been -- what do you do to get away from the news because that's what i need. i need to get away from the news for a little while. >> i don't have the luck of what you're able to do which is funnel your feelings into your comedy. >> stephen: but you get to go be an actress and pretend you're in a world that's

, though. >> stephen: what are we making today. >> stephen: okay, so let's have some champagne. >> stephenmake a cocktail. tangerine juice, because citrus is in season, blood orange, pomegranates. which one would you like, sir? ( pop ) ( applause ) pomegranate, why not. >> i'll porit first. and finish it there. i'll take tangerine juice. >> stephen: is there any difference between a tangerine and orange or is it a fancy orange. >> there's definitely a difference. tangerine is a little more tart. here's a trick. okay upon. don't start drinking yet, sir. >> stephen: okay. >> we're going to get pomegranate seeds out. you cut the pomegranate in half, squeeze it, and whack it with the-- you just whack it with the wooden spoon and the pomegranate seeds come right out and here's your garnish. >> stephen: and do you recommend spanking your pomegranate? >> yes, sir, every single day. >> stephen: do we have to wait. >> happy holiday s. >> stephen: happy holidays, everybody. >> stephen: oh, that's really tasty. >> and that's it. >> stephen: that's it? >> that's the whole book right there. >> stephen:

>> stephen: very powerful.mp's lawyer wrote a tweet in the voice of his client, without the client's permission or knowledge, a tweet in which the client indicts himself for obstruction of justice. that is malpractice. i certainly hope john dowd has a lawyer that's way better than john dowd. ( laughter ) now, no one believes this. even supporters of the administration called it "sloppy and unfortunate." "sloppy and unfortunate," by the way, also eric and don, jr.'s secret service code names. ( cheers and applause ) everybody loves those boys. and now dowd is saying it doesn't matter who wrote the tweet because the "president cannot obstruct justice because he is the chief law enforcement officer and has every right to express his view of any case." ( audience reacts ) or, as nixon said, "when the president does it, it is not illegal ...also, if you're using the same defense as me, you're totally screwed because i was a crook." ( laughter ) it's a fine line from this to ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! so the president's lawye

>> stephen: isn't it crazy?e same thing. that she was going through so much in her life, which is what the movie was about, so much angst, and she would walk out on the court. and that's it. >> stephen: that was it. >> it was on. >> stephen: show time, folks. >> show time, folks. >> stephen: well, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you so much for having me! >> stephen: lovely to meet you. >> thank you, it's lovely to meet you. >> stephen: "battle of the sexes" is in theaters this friday. emma stone, everybody. we'll be right back with some very, very, very soft porn. ♪ i remember the warmth and the wonder. twinkling lights mixed with the scent of spruce. and now, my chance to relive it all. magic. we have a fragrance for that. glade limited edition fragrances. are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® it's starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. hthey know aboutn famifamily traditi

>> stephen: isn't it crazy?in her life, which is what the movie was about, so muchcou. and that's it. >> stephen: that was it. >> it was on.tephen: show time,. >> shoti: we, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you so f >> stephen: lovely to meet you. >> thank you, it's lovely to meet you.inheaterthis friday. emma stone, everyb we'll be right back with some very, very, very soft porn. and the wonder. twinkling lights mixed with the scent of spruce. and now, my chance to relive it all. magic. fragrances. we have a agted edition u e sneeze away from being voted out of the carpo? try zyrtec® on and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. st heineken has been famifamily tradition.7now at my favorite family tradition? it allows me to showcase my tremendous range as an actor. you shouldn't have! i actu brought these myself. ♪ star. ♪ ♪

>> stephen: all right, i apologize. >> thank you. >> stephen: that's on me. >> you owe me that. >> stephenen: bob odenkirk, everybody! we'll be back with a performance by liam gallagher! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) nick is a logistical mastermind. when it comes to moving packages on a global scale, nobody does it better. he's also an avid cookie connoisseur. dig in, big guy. but when it comes to mortgages, he's... less confident. fortunately for nick, there's rocket mortgage by quicken loans. it's simple, so he can understand the details and get approved in as few as eight minutes. apply simply. understand fully. mortgage confidently. rocket mortgage by quicken loans. ♪ mortga♪e confidently. ♪ give extra. get extra. i've gotta hit the loo. we can't stay here! why? flat toilet paper! i'll never get clean! way ahead of you. aww. (avo) compared to charmin ultra strong. other toilet paper falls flat. it's washcloth-like texture helps clean better. it's four times stronger and you can use less. beautiful view. thanks to charmin. and you, honeybear. awwwww. (avo) we all go. why not

. >> stephen: hey, jon, what are you up to? >> uh, sandwiches, stephen. i don't really have time right now. >> stephen: did you carve the radishes into roses? >> it's marigolds. they're marigolds. ( alarm beeping ) god, you made me late! son of a bitch. >> stephen: that's a rose. >> marigold. >> what is taking so long? come on! ( cheers and applause ) >> i'm so sorry, mr. noah. i spent a little extra time with the radishes. >> what are those, begonias? >> actually, marigolds. >> i need a coke. >> stephen: here's your coke, sir. sorry i'm late. i got caught up with him talking about his stupid radish rose. >> ( bleep ) they're marigolds. >> guys, i don't have time for this today, man, i have a show to do. >> sorry. >> stephen: so do i, yeah. ( laughter ) >> what's that button do? >> i don't know, man. i just do cokes and sandwiches. i heard it either starts stephen's show or blows up the sun. but, i mean, only an idiot would press that, right? ( explosion ) >> it's the "late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen we

>> stephen: yeah.new there is something coming out, i need to point this out but you are not hiding the bottom of your shoes. can you show them the bottom of your shoes? look at that. that is -- that is super special. you could literally go paint the town red if you just shuffle. did you know those were red before i showed them to you? i swear, this is a kylo ren outfit right here. because that is first order (bleep) right there. >> sure. >> stephen: you have to bleep the host now. i apologize. you are a young man you shouldn't have me have the salty talk with you. what has been on since you were here a year ago, right. >> i think so. >> third time you have been on. thank you for being here. >> something inbetween but i can't remember what it was. >> stephen: something changed about the world and the united states or something like that. >> sure. >> stephen:. >> no the second thing i came for, i can't remember, first it was "star wars". >> stephen: you came for midnight express. >> special. >> stephen:

thank you very much. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, everybody! >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) thank you. incredible. these people are incredible. please, have a seat everybody. thank you so much. please. these people are amazing. this is the kind of crowd i would want two nights a week. unbelievable. unbelievable. >> jon: that's right, that's right. >> stephen: double header. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is friday, and it's been quite a week for the president. calling senator warren pocahontas in front of navajo code talkers, denying that was his voice on the "access hollywood" tape, but we've all accepted that a little bit of crazy was part of the deal with a trump presidency. kind of like how we accept there's a little bit of rat poop in hot dogs. laugh it's the flavor. this is delicious. it is true. look it up. this week, just feels different somehow this week. and yesterday, what's the show, on the joe coffee morning, and

it up, stephen.nt color="#ffff00">captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from bratislava,

i'm your host stephen colbert. we are exactly-- one week-- one week from the possible election of alabama senate candidate and depressing sequel to "toy story," roy moore. ( laughter ) you do not want him to play "woody." ( laughter ) he has been accused-- just a character name-- has been accused by at least nine women of sexual misconduct while they were teenagers, but the president is standing by his man for a simple reason. >> we don't want to have a liberal democrat in alabama, believe me. we want strong borders. we want stopping crime. >> stephen: "yes, we want stopping crime. ( laughter ) we just not want stopping sexual assault." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) moore-- thank you. thank you. they're on your side, mr. president. they're on your side! please come on the show. moore is grateful for trump's support, tweeting, "i look forward to fighting alongside the president to #maga!" of course, that's the sound teenage girls make when they see roy moore at the mall, "magah!" ( laughter ) now, moore has r

>> stephen: how was your weekend? >> jon: great. ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: hey!come to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) huge story that broke just minutes ago, like, less than ten minutes ago. f.b.i. director james comey has just been fired by donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: wooo! >> stephen: wow, huge, huge donald trump fans here tonight. that shows no gratitude at all. >> jon: man. >> stephen: i mean, did trump forget about the hillary emails that comey talked about? i mean "thanks for the presidency, jimmy. now don't let the door hit you where the electoral college splits you." ( laughter ) i'm shocked. my heart is pumping. my pulse is racing. he fired the f.b.i. director who has said under oath that he's investigating the trump campaign's ties to russia. no rationale has been given yet as to why, but it came on the recommendation of attorney general jeff sessions. ( audience boos ) i think-- i think i might know why. i think he was fired because comey couldn't guess the name rumplestiltskin. ( laughter ) n

>> 15. >> stephen: 15?t, and-- >> stephen: to get around traffic or something? >> yes, and he had to go to court. a policeman saw that. so i showed up, and i had cards and i wore a suit and i said, i'm his lawyer, and handed out the cards. >> stephen: you said bob odenkirk, lawyer? >> i said bob odenkirk, lawyer, and then they told me to sit down and shut up. and then my friend called the ( laughter ) he did not get off with it. he did not get away with it. >> stephen: what was your endgame? what were you hoping to make happen? >> no endgame. i thought i would have fun at my friend's expense. ( laughter ) this is what comedy is. this is why we do it. >> stephen: okay. so you were literally just-- >> i was just having a laugh, and he was in pain. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, i first got to know you back at second city in chicago-- or saw you-- i didn't even know you back then. i saw you at second city. >> yes. >> stephen: so i know you as a comedian, you know. >> yeah. >> stephen

no. >> stephen: okay.ee you. >> always a pleasure. >> stephen: "father figures" is in theaters december 22. ed helms. we'll be right back with christopher jackson, everybody. [firewor[♪ ]xploding] hurry in to old navy! get gifting with up to 60% off the entire store. that's up to 60% off the entire store with styles from 6 dollars, at old navy. ayep, and my teeth are yellow.? time for whitestrips. crest glamorous white whitestrips are the only ada-accepted whitening strips proven to be safe and effective. and they whiten 25x better than a leading whitening toothpaste. crest. healthy, beautiful smiles for life. you're so cold, come in! what's wrong? it's dry... your scalp? mine gets dry in the winter too. try head and shoulders' dry scalp care it nourishes the scalp and... ...keeps you up to 100% flake free head and shoulders' dry scalp care ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest starred as george washington in the original cast of "hamilton". he now star