>> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: hey, come on! no, you!n! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. welcome. welcome to "the late show." please have a seat, everybody. that's very nice. welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. listen to that, listen to that. that is a friday crowd right there ♪ it's friday, oh, oh, >> stephen: these people have come through storms. they have come through giving up on going to the gym after new year's. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: yup, yup, ain't going. ain't going. >> stephen: anyway, t.g.i.f., in ways i have never meant before, because i wasn't sure we'd make it to the end of the week, given how the of week started with the thermonuclear tweet threats. all week long trump used his twitter feed to just lash out in every direction. so, what's up with grandpa cranky pants? apparently, it's because trump's infuriated that his legal team has been offering shifting timelines about when the russia investigation would end. ah, so frustrating. it's like the cable company. they say you're going to g

>> stephen: i say you are. i am! i am! >> stephen: you are? yes!you still have powers? can you still do the flame thing with your hand? >> um, you know, to be totally honest, i'm unclear because it's so secretive and it's all on green screen and i'm not exactly sure and they don't let me say anything. >> stephen: is there any chance at any point when you were working on the movie did you thrust your hand towards someone wearing, like, a blue suit with ping-pong balls glued on it? >> yes. >> stephen: then you still have powers. >> okay! >> stephen: gwyneth, thank you so much for being here! >> thanks for having me. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: here we go! the "in goop health" summit takes place this saturday in new york. gwyneth paltrow, everybody! we'll be right back with ben mckenzie. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) teddy's a pitmaster. when it comes to playing with fire, nobody does it better. he's also a volunteer firefighter. (low-pitched yelling) but when it comes to mortgages, he's... less confident. fortunately for teddy, the

stephen colbert's interview of jake tapper's interview of stephen miller. >> stephen: mr. miller, thanks for sitting down with me. >> good to be here. >> stephen: now, everyone is talking about this book, michael wolff's "fire and fury." but i want to know, what do you have to say about this book? >> the author is a garbage person of a garbage book. >> stephen: okay. how about this one? >> page after page after page of the book is pure false. >> stephen: and this one? >> nothing but a pile of trash through and through. >> stephen: and, finally, this one. "midnight confessions" by stephen colbert. >> something magical happening in the heart of this country. >> stephen: aw, that's sweet thank you. but let's get back to the president. you know him well? >> i had a chance to travel all across the country with the president on trump force one. >> stephen: trump force one is not a thing. you're insane. >> look, you can be as condescending as you want. >> stephen: i can. good to know. i love your forehead. is it true it's the inspiration behind the film "three billboards?" okay,

>> stephen: wait a second.ter ) >> stephen: how did-- how did you get the money from the pimp? did you say, "skews me, circ i was needing a head shot. would you give me some pimp money?" or did he come up to you. >> you don't want to know where that money came from. >> stephen: all right all right. but i made it happen. >> stephen: you're on a ton of shows right now. you're on "blackish," "angie tribeca," you're on the game show "face value." >> "face value," yes. >> stephen: has success changed you at all? >> a little bit when it comes to, like, you know, as far as dating. i don't have time to date at all. like if i go out i just walk up to a group of women and go, "who like me?" ( laughter ) and i'll be back with a drink for the winner. >> stephen: do many hands go up at this point? >> well, they do sit back and they go, "i guess i'll take him." ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's nice. >> it cuts down a lot of time. >> stephen: absolutely. >> you know what i'm saying? that's about the only thing that changed. i

>> stephen: what. >> that we just leaked your email? >> stephen: not at all.y to find. good to see you again. >> it's wonderful to be here. >> stephen: the last time you were here you just-- you had got engaged. >> got engaged, that is what it is. >> stephen: in a way that was both interesting, exciting and terrifying, right, hot air balloon. >> hot air balloon. i don't know why i looked to you, hot air balloon. you know what to do. yeah, and now i'm married. look, i'm a married person. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: congratulations. >> that's why i have a suit. >> stephen: oh, really. >> this is the suit i got married in. >> stephen: really. >> two months ago. still fits. >> stephen: i am a big fan of being married. how it is working out now. >> it does feel different we are let urge kal creatures, i think you can appreciate that. >> stephen: was it a traditional wedding? you are a comedian s your wife a comedian? >> my wife is not a comedian. i will say a lot of my comedian friends are anti-marriage. i am glad to know you we

stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thanks, everybody. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: chris, good to see you. hey, everybody! please, have a seat! you're too kind! thank you so much. you can feel the electricity in this room. you can feel it. you can feel it. welcome to "the late show." ladies and gentlement, i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) you can feel that. you can feel that. that's amazing-- that's-- that's-- only a live show is like that, right there. ( cheers and applause ) that's it. because the truth slook at that, we are-- we are live right now, and barely conscious following a 90-minute speech. there were some bright spots in this speech. there were really some heartwarming moments. some amazing people there were in the gallery. congressman steve scalise, who survived an attack on that softball field. a police officer who saved a baby, a young boy who's putting flags on soldiers' graves, and families who have gone through unspeakable tragedies. honestly, some of the most beautiful, most impressive americans you coul

>> stephen: that's exactly what he's doing. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: yes. don't want that smoke. we don't want that smoke! , like, none of us! we don't want that to take place! but he's, like, i got a bigger nuclear button than you! that's like saying i got a bigger johnson than yours. >> stephen: i don't know if we can say johnson on cbs. can we say johnson? sure, why not. >> that was the cleanest version of it i had. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. your grandmother would be proud. >> she would. >> stephen: now, let's see, much like the president, you are known for having beefs with people, okay. >> beef is not always a bad thing. >> stephen: okay, how is a beef a good thing? because i don't want to go over, like, bad history with you, but you were shot nine times. >> yeah, that wasn't good. >> stephen: that was not good. beef is not always a bad thing. >> stephen: okay. you need to have even, like, positive competition. like, who's in your time slot? >> stephen: it's me, jimmy fallon, jimmy kimmel, bobby flay. i don't know. ( laughter ) i d

(applause) >> stephen: hello. >> hi. >> stephen: nice to see you. >> so good to see you, sir. >> stephenalked out here. let me see if i have this correct. you know molly shannon, are you friends. >> i know molly quite well. she lives around the corner from me. so some days you will just look out she will be on the front lawn like on her cell phone and things lake that. but once molly and i actually saved the life of a squirrel. >> stephen: why did you need to save the life of a squirrel, who was threatening it? >> a juvenile squirrel, >> stephen: baby squirrel. >> a baby squirrel, a youngest, nile, starts coming down the street towards us. and i'm assuming it was because we're nam us-- fame us. -- famous. tanned is like how can i get both of them at the same time, what are the odds of this, it is crazy, i got the guy flt shorts and the armpit one, this is nuts. here they are both are. squirrel comes up and we dwe side we're going to save the squirrel if there is one thing we can do, is save the life of a squirrel. >> stephen: wait a second, what about the squirrelded to be saved? all hav

. >> stephen: what's her name. >> irina. >> stephen: irina.e you going to live to rue the day. >> stephen: she's going to be in the front row during my monologue, "sit down! you're ruining it! give the president a chance!" ( laughter ). >> no, she's not a monster. ( laughter ) >> stephen: she heckles at weddings, but she has limits. >> yeah, yeah, she has her limits. i want to-- can i-- i was excited to do my one political joke. i only have one political joke. >> stephen: oh, please. >> i'll tell it to you. i think mike pence looks like the clear gummy bear. i think-- i think that's why he doesn't want to be alone in a room with a recommend-- too delicious. that's it. that's why i don't do political stuff. ( laughter ). >> stephen: so married for two months, you said? >> two months now, a little bit over. >> stephen: are the family members starting to say like, "so how about the kid? when are you going to have kids?" >> yeah, we'd thriek have kids. it's a magical thing. sex, i mean. ( laughter ) sorry. i was just-- it is kind of a crazy thing.

>> stephen: great.t's "midnight confessions." ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: i don't know if any of these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, wait right there. ♪ ♪ forgive me, audience. i found out, if you're famous, you can get on airplanes without ever setting foot in the terminal. it's so fantastic that i almost don't enjoy it... almost. ( laughter ) audience, i have never seen a commercial for canned dog food that didn't make me hungry. ( laughter ) when people sneeze once i say, "bless you", when they sneeze twice, i say "are you all right?" ( laughter ) if they sneeze a third time, i say "i'm going to need you to stop that." ( laughter ) as an optimist, i don't think i have a drinking problem. i have a drinking opportunity. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) the closest thing i ever get to doing yoga is when i drop my phone under my car seat. ( laughter ) when the person in front of me on an airplane leans their seat all the way back, all i think

>> stephen: i wish.ally liked that president. >> stephen: i think the way back is forward, myself. but you also have gone through something vorred since the last time i saw you. i found out recently -- you went to college when you were 15 because you were a smarty pants. >> well, i wasn't that smart because i quit. >> stephen: but since the last time you were here you graduated from college. congratulations. >> i did. >> stephen: that's wonderful. thank you. >> stephen: was it something -- did you always have in the back of your mind, i'm going to go do this? >> no. you know, when hillary was running, she said some things about you can be everything that you want to be. >> stephen: yeah. and i thought, you know what? i could do this. and, so, i called my university and i spoke to them about it and they arranged a way for me to complete my courses online and also with them, and i decided to finish. i only had three credits left to do. >> stephen: oh, that's great. and i finished my degree. >> stephen: tha

stephen: stephen's a nice name. >> steve sen a nice name. >> stephen: very pretty name.iends. you peefted this on instagram yesterday. there it is. there's your babia male or female-- being inducted into sisterhood of the traveling pants right there. >> that's absolutely right. >> stephen: those are magical pants, right? >> blake's wearing the magic pants. >> stephen: she's wearing the magic pants? >> yes. >> stephen: and i'm not up on the sisterhood of the traveling pants as i should be. they fit all of you-- >> magically. >> stephen: magically. would the traveling pants fit you through all nine months of your pregnancy? >> do you know what the word "magic" means, stephen? yes. they're magic! they would fit me all times. >> stephen: speak of magic, who would win aragorn or-- that guy wants to know. he's about-- >> are those -- >> stephen: in a fight would willingless or aragorn win. >> are those drag glons okay, okay! yes, they are. you're a guest so i will say yes, they are. have you seen "lord of the ringses?" >> i've seen "game of thrones." >> stephen: okay! it's lik

>> stephen: man, you are a good hugger! >> i love it. i'll never let go. >> stephen: no, no.that twice. ( laughter ) congratulations! before anything else, congratulations, you and your wife have welcomed a lovely new daughter. >> we do. she's five weeks old ( cheers and applause ) it's lovely. it's wonderful. it's terrific. >> stephen: but taxing a bit because two to three it's a different beast. >> well, you know, you've done this. you've done two to three. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. it's -- well, we're no longer -- we're no longer -- it's zonal, you take the kitchen, i'll take the living room and it's done. she's very small so it's lovely. >> stephen: easy to handle now. >> i've forgotten the leaving of the house and how difficult that is to do with three children. we went to -- when i say the end of our road, i mean a little food place at the end of our street in los angeles, and we were nipping out for lunch the first time the five of us had ever gone, and we looked like we were fleeing a country. ( laughter ) like, i'm not joking, i had a daughter here, a backpack, a bag,

and nowive from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: thank you very much! hey, everybody! please, have a seat. thank you so much. good to have you here. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you all for joining me, especially you here in this theater tonight!nd applause ) you out there don't know but these people have been mating for all members of the night's watch now. they've taken the black here north of the wall. hitting the east coast. there hasn't been such an aggressive onslaught of white since trump took office. lav la( laughter ) and there it is. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: he road in on that blue craggen and everything. and now, we are getting hit hard here in the big apple but now the city's in that magical like four-minute window when the snow is still pretty and white and hasn't yet turned the color of garbage juice and rat. and it's been pretty rough coming in from the suburbs. this morning, i had to

>> stephen: sir, please. i'm talking pee pee, stephen. >> stephen: that's our cartoon president. ) with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. life made more effortless through adaptability. the perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. ( ♪ ) whoa... (on baby monitor) we've got a situation here. i've never seen anything like that. will you get my phone, please? you're not taking a picture of that? no, i want to video chat with a doctor (cooing) (grunt) oh! (clattering) (toys clicking, buzzing) whoa... (straining) i'm okay. need a doctor after hours? unitedhealthcare can help. see a doctor right on your phone, right from your home. is that normal? that's normal for a new baby. and what about him? hey, doc. doctor: that's normal for a new parent. unitedhealthcare. i used to ask if you could hear me now, doctor: that's normal for a new parent. but i switched to sprint, you should too. here's why. everyone wants a new iphone. and right now when you lease a new iphone you get a second one on them. you get the best price for unlimited

>> stephen: hi. >> hi!ee you again. >> well, thank you for having me. >> stephen: do you remember the first time we met? >> i do remember. >> stephen: you do. >> you've done a lot to this place. it looks good. >> stephen: right, right. >> last time i was here it was a real (bleep). ( laughter ) now that we can say that on national television. >> stephen: yeah. welcome to the new cbs. >> yeah. >> stephen: we were at-- it was the party before the grammys. >> yes. >> stephen: clive davis has this famous party the night before the grammys. and it was the greatest table of all time. >> it was. >> stephen: it was sheryl crow, you, richie sambora, me, and my 14-year-old daughter. >> i remember. >> stephen: who sat with richie sambora the whole time and to this day calls him, "her first prom date." that's a great party. >> it is. >> stephen: how many times have you been to that? >> a couple. clive is a great legend. clive davis is obviously one of the them for the folks that don't know, one of the great innovators

>> stephen: believe it or not, cnn., because randi kaye grabbed a randi jay. >> oh, my god. randi's dose is kicking in. >> this is for andy! andy, this is for you! >> stephen: "andy, andy, this is for you! come on, it'll get you so high you'll think you can pass a joint through a tv camera! andy! no? how about you, anderson cooper? want a little 'anderson cooper 420'?" but the pot party wasn't just happening on the cnn, because as of yesterday, recreational pot is officially legal in california. ( cheers and applause ) that's right. that is right-- californians can finally try marijuana. i think you guys might like it. to all of our freshly baked california viewers, i just want to say, thanks for switching over from the monterey bay aquarium livestream of jellyfish. i will do my best to move hypnotically. ( cheers and applause ) it was a big deal out there. at one california dispensary, 200 people waited in line before dawn for the 6:00 a.m. start of sales. we've come so far: from people standing on street corners looki

>> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!> stephen: welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. happy friday. ( cheers and applause ) it's the end of the work week. of course, donald trump's work week never really begins. now runs from around 11:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. that's a s seven-hour day. that's not even full-time. personally, i think the president should work at least as many hours as a 15-year-old saving up for an xbox. so, what does trump do after he's rolled into work at the crack of noon? well, according to white house staff, his schedule largely consists of tv and twitter time alone in the residence, known internally as "executive time." come on. we're all adults. just say "pooping." ( laughter ) here's an actual example-- this is an actual example from the president's scheduled. on tuesday, trump had his first meeting of the day with john kelly at 11:00 a.m. he then had "executive time" for an hour, followed by an hour lunch in the private dining room. then it was another one hour and 15

stephen: congratulations. >> that's why i have a suit. >> stephen: oh, real married in. >> stephen:its. >> stephen: i am a big fan of being married. how it is working out now. >> it does feel different we are let urge kal creatures, i think you can appreciate that. >> stephen: was it a traditional wedding? you are a comedian s your wife a comedian? >> my wife is not a comedian. i will say a lot of my comedian friends are anti-marriage. i am glad to know you were promarriage. >> stephen: i was the first of my comedic friends to get married it was just not done, man. >> yeah, we're like carneys. >> stephen: a. >> a lot of my friends that are anti-marriage are protattoo. yes. yes. anticipating where the joke is going, that is what i want. they are protest-- i don't know, man. i don't know how you can make a commitment like that. (laughter) i'm like you have the word sub lime on your neck in old english. every job interview you go to that will be stairing them in their face, they're going to be thinking oh-- forever, the worst sub sz lime song. >> stephen: so comedy friends, comedy toas

>> stephen: you guys always sound good. >> jon: oh, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: you guys always sound goodicher, a little richer tonight. to who do we owe that? we have a high school student sitting in with the band. from grammy museum, veronica leahy. grammy in the schools program. i was a part of that program. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's fantastic. you were in the grammy in the schools program? >> jon: yes, i was in the agreement in the schools program in 2004. >> stephen: me, too? >> jon: yeah? >> stephen: i was in high school in 2004, too, jon. very similar. >> jon: i'll remember that. >> stephen: let's leave it right there. veronica, thank you so much for being here. you sound fantastic. >> thank you, thank you for having me. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, jon, i don't know if you noticed, but the oscar nominations were announced this morning. >> jon: yeah, i saw that through twitter. >> stephen: good eye. these are the first oscars in the wake of the #metoo movement, which means there will be some changes. for instance, the oscar statue will now be fully clothed. but

>> no. >> stephen: twitter? no. >> stephen: instagram. no. >> stephen: snapchat? grinder? ( laughter ) you would do very well, my friend. >> this kindle is great because -- >> stephen: did you just get a kindle? >> i just got a ( applause ) and if i was on location -- i'm an avid reader, so i would take 10, 12 books on location. but the kindle -- >> stephen: they're all there. when you read in bed, i fall asleep, i'm like this, i wake up next morning, it has switched itself off. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wait a second, i didn't realize it achieved switch-off technology. ( laughter ) let's talk about the film "the commuter" and you are the commuter. >> yes. >> stephen: takes place in the city going north, right? >> yes, going on the -- roughly based on the metro north. >> stephen: is this taken on the metro north? >> no. >> stephen: okay, all right. i'm an insurance salesman. >> stephen: an insurance salesman. >> who has just lost his job because i have reached the age of 60. >> stephen: okay. i'm mortgaged to the hilt, i have a kid about to start to college and i h

stephen was as well. soon with the spring thaw, about six months after stephen and jennifer's wedding, their relationship grew ice cold. now it was stephen himself who was also feeling rejected, kicked out of that family circle. >> stephen was hurt and discouraged. i don't know if he thought that was just a stage that she would go through while she was pregnant, a hormonal thing. somehow he could make things better and get them back on track. >> it didn't get better. instead the relationship flu off the rails after the baby was born in june 2007, a girl named sydney. >> it was like jennifer wanted her family and her to be part of sydney's life, but didn't want anybody else to be part of it. stephen said, i barely even get to see sydney. when i get home, jennifer goes down to her mom's house with grandma shirley and auld of them. he said she even bathes sydney down there and everything, brings her home at 9:30, 10:00 and time to go to bed and gets up the next morning and starts the routine over again. >> s

( laughter ) >> stephen: gary is so good in that. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: >> stephen: one person whooprah is donald trump. >> can you beat oprah by the way? >> yeah, i'll beat o -- oprah would be a lot of fun. >> stephen: yeah, it would be fun watching two billionaire tv stars wrestle for control of our nuclear arsenal. you know. fun. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with james franco. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) if your moderate to severe ulcerative colitis or crohn's symptoms are holding you back and your current treatment hasn't worked well enough, it may be time for a change. ask your doctor about entyvio, the only biologic developed and approved just for uc and crohn's. entyvio works at the site of inflammation in the gi tract and is clinically proven to help many patients achieve both symptom relief and remission. infusion and serious allergic reactions can happen during or after treatment. entyvio may increase risk of infection, which can be serious. pml, a rare, serious potentially fatal brain infection caused by a virus may be possible. this condition has not be

thank you very much. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!n: thank you, everybody! >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) thank you. incredible. these people are incredible. please, have a seat everybody. thank you so much. please. these people are amazing. this is the kind of crowd i would want two nights a week. unbelievable. unbelievable. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's right, that's right. >> stephen: double header. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is friday, and it's been quite a week for our president. he's been on a real tear, calling senator warren pocahontas in front of navajo code talkers, denying that that was his voice on the "access hollywood" tape, but we've all accepted that a little bit of crazy was part of the deal with a trump presidency. kind of like how we accept there's a little bit of rat poop in hot dogs. ( laughter ) gives it the flavor. it's delicious. it is true. look it up. this week, just feels different somehow this week. and yeste

i'm your host, stephen colbert.s a huge night for everyone in media, because tonight was the long-awaited, rescheduled day that donald trump announced his fake media awards, the fakies. and i'm proud to say that-- and the people here don't know this because they've been seating here for almost an hour-- and at 5:15 today, "the late show"" won "fakest in late night." ( cheers and applause ) congratulations. congratulations. you did it! you people did it! not me, it's you! thank you. this might not end well. thank you very much. thank you. please, sit down. sit down. listen, thank you very much. on behalf of everyone here at "the late show," thank you, sir. and i would say i'm humbled, but i think we deserve it, in part because i'm lying right now. we didn't win. ( laughter ) meanwhile, meanwhile, this is good news? we still have a government. for, like,48 hours, something like that. you see, after the breakdown of daca negotiations, congress is hurtling towards a government shutdown. well, maybe not "hurtling." the a

. >> stephen: of all time.ant to just begin the long road back to proving you're not racist or bigoted, support the bipartisan compromise three democrats and three republicans put on the floor, everyone gave, and get the dreamers safety here in america. that's what he should do. ( cheers and applause ) and let me say this, stephen -- that bill -- donald trump at one point said, well, there are three areas of contention. the three of them, the six of them, tried to go somewhat in his direction on those three areas in return for dreamers. if this bill doesn't become law, there will only be one thing standing in his way and that's donald trump and his intransigence. if it was put on the floor in the house or the senate it would get a majority vote in either one. >> stephen: do you think those are his intransigence or do you think he's just being pressured by the farthest right on immigration policy in his own party? >> if you're going to listen to the farthest right, we will not have an immigration party. you can'

♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> it's great to be back. >> stephen: and i hopet the broadcast center on 57th street. >> i'm capitol hill any time you want me. >> stephen: okay, great. cbs, "face the nation," it is the longest running show on cbs. you anchored it for two years. your mother started off at cbs working at that show as an associate producer. sunday was your last show. was that a-- was that a tough show to do? >> yeah, it was very tough, because you know what it's like when you work with people in stressful conditions, high stakes, you bond with them. you care a lot-- let's see if i can get through this description without losing it-- you care a lot about the people you work with. the work is important. they all care as much as you do, and i get to go out there and, you know, for an hour benefit from all of their hard work, and you want to-- you can't stop saying, "thank you." so it's really hard to leave that incredible experience. but i have this new incredible experience i'm now a part of with people who work just as hard. >> stephen: norah and gay