>> stephen: they do have a hole. cbs is going to blur realize. >> suddenly, this suited the hole very well, if you know what i mean. >> stephen: that's where all his ideas come out of. >> exactly. >> stephen: and you know, for those out there who don't have the keen ear that i do -- you're english. >> very english. >> stephen: do they do halloween in england? >> we do. it's a little more cynical than here. >> stephen: what do you mean? we don't really get dressed up. it's 20 years ago halloween. >> stephen: cut the eye holes out, sheets? >> we do a very low-key version of it. my family and i were very cynical and used to play tricks on the trick or treaters. >> stephen: in america, the kids say trick or treat. >> no, we got to them first. >> stephen: preemptive strike. o me and my three brothers, once we pulled a hose out the top window of our on the garden hose and, every time they came we would spray them with freezing cold water. it's mean. it's mean. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're a terrible person. >> yeah. >> s

a robot? ( applause ) >> stephen: okay, here we go. ready? you have a real emotional state here. >> okay. >> stephen: some anger here. ready? john? ? the next person who tells me flammable and inflammable mean the same thing is going to find out if they are. ( applause ) >> you've got a nice stillness at the end. i'm going to steal that move. >> stephen: i've never been nominated for an oscar, though. >> there's time. there's time. am i just happy to be here, or is that a gun in my pocket? >> stephen: okay. if the characters in "nocturnal animals" are in a novel within a movie, what if us watching that movie or ourselves just characters in a novel watch ago movie about a novel that people are watching right now? ( laughter ) oscar! oscar! ( cheers and applause ) "nocturnal animals" is in select cities tomorrow and nationwide december 9. amy adams, everybody! we'll be right back with simone biles. mom's got this cold. hashtag stuffy nose. hashtag no sleep. hashtag mouthbreather. just put on a breathe right strip. it instantly opens your nose up

so figure it out. >> stephen: it's a coin toss. yeah. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: nice to meet you. "project grizzly" airs saturday nights on animal planet. jeff watson, everybody! we'll be right back. when you're close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment? if you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. in fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. do not use if you are allergic to taltz. before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. including worsening of sympt

>> no. >> stephen: or a fairway? >> no. >> stephen: whole foods? whole foods. yeah, they don't have it. do you have a pizza hut? >> yes, i think so. >> stephen: pizza hut is also going to be selling some of our butterball turkeys this year. >> is there any other place -- >> so pizza hut also doesn't work for you. tell me what you have. >> i have a walmart super center. >> stephen: walmart, oh, they have walmart, yeah. you should have said that. they have a walmart. >> but i don't know if they have the breast, okay? >> stephen: okay they are dark meat, a lot of dark meat. >> so, sir, i'm looking for a frozen turkey breast, okay -- >> why not some dark meat. >> they don't want it. >> stephen: get some new friends. >> can i talk to somebody else? you're giving me a hard time, sir. >> stephen: okay, look, please accept my apology. don't tell them it was me. don't say my name. do you know my name? did i tell you my name? >> no, you didn't. >> stephen: my name is jimmy fallon. i want to to another representative. >> stephen: absolutely, sorry, merry christmas. thank y

so figure it out. >> stephen: it's a coin toss. yeah. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: nice to meet you. "project grizzly" airs saturday nights on animal planet. jeff watson, everybody! we'll be right back. ? ( cheers and applause ) we asked a group of young people when they thought they should start saving for retirement. then we asked some older people when they actually did start saving. this gap between when we should start saving and when we actually do is one of the reasons why too many of us aren't prepared for retirement. just start as early as you can. it's going to pay off in the future. if we all start saving a little more today, we'll all be better prepared tomorrow. ? harry's meeting clients from far away.? ? but they only see his wrinkles. ? ? he's gotta play it cool to seal the deal. ? ? better find a way to smooth things over. ? ? if only harry used some bounce, to dry.? ? yeah. ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow

so figure it out. >> stephen: it's a coin toss. >> stephen: nice to meet you. "project grizzly" airs saturday nights on animal planet. jeff watson, everybody! we'll be right back. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be william h. macy colin quinn and musical guest drive-by truckers. now stick around for james corden and his guests, eddie redmayne and jessica chastain. good night! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show all the way from right exactly er

row. >> and you cried like a baby. >> stephen: i cried like a baby the entire time. i think i was hallucinating. >> it's all right, shop girl, i love you, shop girl. >> stephen: now-- but you take a typewriter. >> i have been known to take a typewriter to the baseball game. >> stephen: why do you take a typewriter? >> it's kind of like scoring the game. you have a little narrative that goes on. >> stephen: do you have a stogie, and a hat that says press, with the little card? >> i sit up on a little thing. little stool. the best thing to write is-- these are dodgers games and we can go, and-- i like baseball. i love a good long pastoral afternoon. but the best thing to write is when your team strikes out a guy swinging, right, and in baseball parlance, you write on the scorecard, "k!" "k" means strike out. so it's a big fat capital k! ( laughter ) period, period, period. backspace, backspace, backspace. shift-eight, apostrophe, apostrophe, apostrophe-- because that makes an exclamation mark, you see-- close parentheses. so that's what i-- i think whoever

>> stephen: i'm trying to calm you down. seems like you're in a panic. >> because when i answered turkey expert. >> stephen: well, that's mostly marketing. i apologize. butterball turkey talk line, this is steve, how can i help you? >> oh, i hope you can. this is remlly a question about stuffing. >> stephen: okay. do you call it stuffing or dressing? >> i call it stuffing. >> stephen: okay. wrong answer. bye-bye. ( applause ) ( speaking french ) >> i speak english. >> stephen: delta three-five-niner, this is chicago o'hare tower. need you to go to 2700 feet, level off on approach. please stay in a holding pattern. we will advice. >> hello. >> stephen: hello, is this delta three five niner? >> no, i'm calling the butterball -- turkey -- hot line. >> stephen: well, you've reached o'hare tower. can you please put the pilot on. >> stephen: can you please put the pilot on the plane on? you're on final approach to runway -- >> no, i'm not -- no! >> stephen: ma'am, it is a federal offense to interrupt with avionics or aviation. please put the pilot on ri

that's what i call a man's man, ladies. >> stephen: can you get a shot of that? i want to point something out. you did not know i was going to ask you about fighting. >> no i didn't. >> stephen: we did not plan this in any way. and it took you exactly one button to get a photo of you. oh! >> stephen: don't get up. don't get up. that's on there all the time! that's literally-- you were staring at it before you walked on stage. >> it's my twitter page. it's my twitter -- >> you're in an overstuffed chair just stroking yourself gently looking at a photo of yourself before you came out here to take the pain away from your ankle. >> i swear to god, we didn't plan this. he's 100% right, folks. >> stephen: oh, my god. >> you have to have an ego to be in this business they say. >> stephen: exactly. >> stephen: if i follow you on twitter, that's the photo? >> it looks like i have no teeth in the phot but i do. >> stephen: people have said, "oh, trump ran the politically incorrect campaign and that's great." and people complain a lot about-- some comedians complain about po

>> no, nothing. >> stephen: are you a double spay? you can't tell me. >> ( whispering ) i've lost my voice. sorry. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, let's sell some now. can we do that? >> um, i don't have tickets on me. >> stephen: no, we're going to put ases in the seat right now. i have been told there are a fair amount of sex scenes in this movie. >> yeah. >> stephen: one takes place in a sandstorm, right. you're in the car and there's a sandstorm? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: please tell me the windows are rolled up. sand storm and sex don't go together. >> it is rolled up. >> stephen: is it-- i like to ask-- is it ever in any way scene, or is it all just a bother? >> well, okay. let's imagine you're with your wife in bed-- or anywhere, like here in-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: a sand storm, a sand storm. >> and then all the people are watching. >> stephen: all these people are watching? >> yeah, cameras, like, 50 people are watching. >> stephen: uh-huh, uh-huh. >> do you still find it sexy? >> stephen: no friends, though, right. okay. le ( l

> stephen: very similar. >> you get a response. >> stephen: i'm a joke deejay. all right, so the show is called "dirk gently's holistic detective agency." >> correct. >> stephen: and again, it was written by douglas adams, who did "hitchhiker's guide." and you play a rock guy, right? who's your character? >> his name is todd bratsman. he used to have a band, yeah, a punk band called mexican funeral. yeah, he plays guitar. >> stephen: and dirk wants your help, to solve-- >> he-- so, dirk gently, if any of you are familiar, dirk is a detective. but he's not a detective that uses anything traditional, in regards to how detectives solve cases. so he doesn't look for clues, no fingerprint evidence, no witnesses. it's all intuition and a feeling that he will be led in the right and, he comes into todd's life by breaking into his apartment and sort of declaring that todd is his assistant, having never met this person in his life. so you can imagine how my character deals with that, and ultimately gets thrust into this seriously mad case. >> stephen: well, we don't have

>> stephen: a long time. cook it a long time. hi, this is carol, we canal to the turkey talk line. >> hi. carol, cooking my butterball turkey breast with wings, and i put it in at 325. >> stephen: oh, boy -- ( laughter ) >> but after two hours, i put aluminum foil on it? >> stephen: over all of it just the thighs? >> there were no thighs. >> stephen: there were no thighs. >> no. >> stephen: what happened to the bird. why were there no thighs? >> the way it was sold is the breast and wings. >> stephen: you got ripped off, birds usually come with thighs. i apologize. can i get a number? we'll send you out a fresh turkey with thighs. that's not right. >> how do you do that? >> stephen: give me an most of them are grown with them. >> really? it's in the oven and an hour less than the required cook time. >> stephen: that happens a lot. >> and the meat thermometer is saying it's at 188. >> stephen: get out of there, it's going to blow. is -- 188, no way you want a turkey that hot. >> that's what i'm saying! because i followed the time o

so figure it out. >> stephen: it's a coin toss. yeah. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: nice to meet you. "project grizzly" airs saturday nights on animal planet. jeff watson, everybody! we'll be right back. you think denny's new pancakes are only for breakfast? well denny's new pancakes don't obey the laws of time. look at them, they don't even obey the laws of gravity. denny's all-new fluffier, tastier, better pancakes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be william h. macy colin quinn and musical guest drive-by truckers. now stick around for james corden and his guests, eddie redmayne and jessica chastain. good night! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by

it takes a while-- i'm like a >> stephen: we're going to let you breathe for a while. >> yeah. >> stephen: so the new show is you do a stage show. you do a stage show on broadway that's now going to be available on netflix. >> it was offbroadway. i misrepresent myself. >> stephen: off broadway. >> you sound like you're going to kick me out. get out. >> stephen: does it matter? i'm sure it's very good. >> thanks. ( laughter ) you'll get there, man. you're on broadway rightow you made it, baby. ( cheers and applause ) now, is there any chance, you know, people throw the word "racism" around very casually. you-- you talk about some cultural stereotypes in the show. any chance people might be offended by some of that stuff? >> i don't think so, because everything i talk about i lived it-- yeah, they will be. no, i mean, no. everything is, like, i go over the whole history of every ethic group. >> stephen: that came to new york. >> i call it cultural so let's start about the dutch. the dutch founded new york. how did they-- >> here's the beauty of the dutch for my show, because when i was doin

." >> a long title. >> stephen: it is a long title. >> yes. >> stephen: it's a spooky movie. >> yeah, it's a spooky movie. >> stephen: is it horrifying? it's fun. it's unusual. it's more like a poem. played. >> stephen: like the raven or something like that? >> yeah, an edgar allan poe movie. >> stephen: do you scare easy? ometimes the dark scares me, creeky sounds. sharks. >> stephen: there is a reason to be scared of sharks. no one has to say, like, do you believe in sharks? ( laughter ) >> true. >> stephen: i've got no proof sharksst >> real things scare me. >> stephen: why sharks coming to sniend. >> i think stephen speilberg did a service to me as a child. >> stephen: did you see jaws in a theater? >> i watched it at home and behind the couch. >> stephen: i watched it from outside the theater. >> away from the screen. >> stephen: just tell me how it happens. >> yeah. >> stephen: people do crazy things and do shark diving and >> stephen: what? i try to face my fear. it didn't work. i always think the shark might enter one of those flaps. >> stephen: the great whites? yes, in south

yeah. >> stephen: we sweat a little bit right now. do you-- we just did-- do you guys have halloween? because we just finished that over-- here? do you guys have halloween over europe. >> stephen: really? i think it comes from america. i think it comes-- comes-- wikipedia,darrylig. >> stephen: wikipedia. >> yeah, they told me it came from europe. >> stephen: wikipedia told me. i can go on there and change it. do you guys celebrate it over there, carve the pumpkins and all that stuff? >> in france, no, it lasted, like, two or three years, and then people thought it's just another way to get our money, you know, christmas, hallow everything. >> stephen: that is so cynical. that is so french. >> we can be very cynical. yeah, exactly. >> stephen: you've seen a lot. >> yeah, but it's-- it's smart, too. i mean-- is the -- >> you guys have elections over there? >> in halloween. ( laughter ). >> stephen: over here-- >> over there-- we-- yeah. we are-- we are heading for elections in 2017. >> stephen: in 2017. have they started yet, because ove

>> stephen: how old of a child was this? >> about 10. >> stephen: so now you drive a motorcycle, speaking of dangerous things on the road. >> yup. >> stephen: what kind of bike do you have? >> i have a triumph, and i have a harley, a harley for big trips and a little triumph for around town. >> stephen: have you done any good rides lately? >> a couple of years ago, i did the ang less crest. that's a beautiful drive. i went all the way out there--an they have this sign that says, "last gas for 30 miles," or something like that, 40 miles. and i thought i have enough gas. >> stephen: in the desert. >> of course, ald i could think about is i'm going to run out of gas. should i turn around? should i keep going? i decided i was going to run out of gas in the country and i saw a weird car in front of me and it was a picture car and i realized they were shooting a commercial. and i followed the picture car, commercial, and there was a guy walking towards me with a gas can before i could get off the bike, i felt like -- >> you said, "

check for that. >> stephen: half a check. okay, all right, great. things are turning around now. >> ahhh-- what are the three branches of government? >> stephen: umm, the n.h.l., tim hortons and alan thicke. >> i will have to give x, x and x to that. >> stephen, what are the three responsibilities of citizenship? >> stephen: to defend the queen, for some reason. um, protecting children from wandering polar bears; adding unnecessary "u"s to words like flavor and color; oh, and you must be able to sing at least >> can you do that? >> stephen: name one! name one! >> "the wreck of the edmond fitzgerald." >> stephen: ( singing ) ? the legend lives on from the chippewa on down, of the big lake they called gitche gumee ? what else? name it. >> "sundown." >> stephen: ( singing ) ? sundown ? ? you better take care ? ? if i find you been creepin' 'round my back stairs ? >> i am very impressed. >> stephen: ( singing ) ? if you could read my mind, love ? ? what a tale ? ? it was ten degrees or colder, down by bolder dam that day i heard y

time. >> stephen: that happens a lot. >> and the meat thermometer is saying it's at 188. >> stephen: get out of there, it's going to blow. is -- 188, no way you want a turkey that hot. >> that's what i'm saying! because i followed the time on the instructions. >> stephen: what's your name? why are you asking me my name? >> stephen: i'm trying to calm you down. seems like you're in a panic. >> because when i answered the phone you're described a turkey expert. >> stephen: well, that's mostly marketing. i apologize. butterball turkey talk line, this is steve, how can i help you? >> oh, i hope you can. this is remlly a question about stuffing. >> stephen: okay. do you call it stuffing or dressing? >> i call it stuffing. >> stephen: okay. wrong answer. bye-bye. ( applause ) >> hello. >> stephen: hello. ( speaking french ) >> i speak english. >> stephen: delta three-five-niner, this is chicago o'hare tower. need you to go to 2700 feet, level off on approach. please stay in a holding pattern. we will advice. >> hello. >> stephen: hello, is this delta three five niner? >> no, i'm calling the