there's hot seats. >> stephen: a little shock. >> a little buzzer and up you go. >> stephen: we had a. we shook hands, felt it, went in for the hug. >> i saw it in your eyes. i'm not going to run from it. >> stephen: a lot of people said i have very needy eyes. >> they're huggy eyes, to me. >> stephen: well, hey, merry christmas. wait a second. can we do merry christmas? >> what's today? >> stephen: it's december something. >> is it the 25th? >> stephen: no. but we're in advent. we're on our way. we're on the glide path to christmas right now. you're promoting a movie called "office christmas party." >> "office christmas party." >> stephen: you brought the jingle bells with you. >> got the december release. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you got the "office christmas party" movie and managed to get a december release. that is key. >> yeah. >> stephen: doesn't play as well in february. >> no, it doesn't. but, yeah, no, it's a very good movie. go see it. got that out of the way. >> stephen: we'll get to it. we'll get to it? >> let's run a clip! ( laughter ) >> stephen: do we have a

>> i'm saying a nice card. >> stephen: oh, a nice card. when you open it up, things like that? >> guys, you would like that. >> stephen: you have kids, right? >> i have two little girls, ten and about to be five. >> stephen: christmas is perfect for you. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you have holiday traditions with the youngen's? >> just trying to get them the right gift so i don't get any nonsense that i missed the mark. >> stephen: what do they want? you never know. it's a moving target with those two. >> stephen: do you do the letter to santa? >> we do the letter to santa. you don't have a lot of 10-year-olds who watch the show, do you? >> stephen: i do. i have the mental state of a 10-year-old, so -- >> well, then i'll ask you, are you aware of santa and his legitimacy? >> stephen: yes, i understand that there are forces of darkness in the world who question his legitimacy. >> okay. ( applause ) >> stephen: but yes, jason bateman, there is a santa claus, okay? ( cheers and applause ) >> there is? >> stephen: so let's imagine for a moment tha

stephen: and this guy? >> this is stefano! he talk-a like dis. >> stephen: now, did you-- >> he talk-a like dis, stefan! ardest? was hardest for you? because it's a lot of work. >> sham has a peg leg, you can't see it in that, but i had to wear this weird, this weird-- >> stephen: him, this guy with the patch? he has a peg leg, too? >> so i had to actually walk around with a peg leg and my leg-- kind of up my butt. so that was hard. ( laughter ) shirley had padding, so that was hard. going to the bathroom was tough as shirley. >> stephen: yeah? >> because i had, you know, underwear and then hose and then padding and then, like, spanx, to cover it all. >> stephen: okay. >> so you had to put all that on, and then when you had to pee, you had to take it all off and try not to get it anywhere. and then you had to get it all back on again. so i tried not to hydrate that month. >> stephen: what about this guy, over here? did you-- is that-- >> stephano? >> stephen: did you actually shave your head for that? >> i shaved my head every day for 22 days to do that. >> stephen: wow! well, we have a clip here of the

stephen: hey! cheers! we're having ald fashioned. >> stephen: it's an old fashioned right there. that's my holiday drink, and every day is a holiday. congratulationses -- cheers to you. congratulations on your new series, "a series of unfortunate events," on netflix. you play-- do i have the right thing here? >> i play count olaf. >> stephen: you play your beloved count olaf. >> dafterdly count olaf. >> stephen: those are all you. >> yes. the sailor on the left there is captain sham. >> stephen: who is this lovely creature right there? >> her name is shirley st. ives. >> stephen: which one one of these costumes was hardest. it's a log of work. >> sham has a peg leg. you can't see it in that. >> stephen: this guy? he has a peg leg? >> i had to walk around with a peg leg and my leg-- up my butt. so that was hard. shirley had padding, so that was hard. going to the bathroom was tough as shirley. >> stephen: yeah? >> because i had, you know, underwear and then hose and then padding and then, like, spanx, to cover it all. you

. >> stephen: okay, i'll try a little more. now you're over-acting. >> stephen: i haven't even started. i haven't even started acting yet. what are you talking about? give a guy a chance! i'm putting too much-- i'm putting too much jewelry on. i'm about to take one piece off before i go act. let me try. let me try it again. all right, all right, all right. >> i'm listening. >> stephen: let me try it again. i'm sorry. i'm still saying the line. i'm still saying the line! >> that's better. >> stephen: better, okay. >> that's better. it's not great, but it's better. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you want to try it? >> no, no, i'm not gonna-- i'm not -- >> stephen: give me a line reading. >> no, i'm not going to give you a line reading. >> stephen: okay, all right, how about this one? how about the last one right there? >> go ahead. >> stephen: this is two santas too many. oh, by the way, it's from a movie called "three santas." ( laughter ) >> okay. >> stephen: okay? ( laughter ) and i'm-- i'm the real santa and the two other guys w

self-promotion. >> stephen: a little bit, yeah. n: we've got to. >> that's so nice. thank you. >> stephen: so, did you get to enjoy the islands at all? what island were you on? >> -- honolulu, oahu -- i don't know, there was a palm tree. ( laughter ) i was sick like the whole time. first of all, i'm from here, so i like to sit and not move. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. >> and everyone hikes there. like, they're just-- everyone hikes every day. >> stephen: they're so healthy. >> they're so healthy. and their just like-- dogs hike. cats, you will see on ke ( laughter ) i went hiking and somebody said, on your left-- it was, like, a baby in a diaper was like blowing past me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: did you go to kauai? because it's like the grand canyon of -- >> i did go to kauai, but i was too sick. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> i was bed ridden. >> stephen: i went hiking on kauai on my honeymoon and was humiliated, because we walked down into a canyon and i couldn't get out. ( laughter ) >> you couldn'

. >> a unique person. >> stephen: yeah. and in my first book, woirkd with diane keaton for a short time. i was in the middle of telling her some story and she said, you know, you should write a book, which probably just meant "shut up, now. but it kind of just gave me the thought. it's, like, just put it down on paper. i've had enough. no, but she was very inspiring to me. it was the simple thing of someone i looked up to giving me the permission to imagine doing something like that. >> stephen: wow. i can't wait to meet someone like that. >> oh. stephen, what kind of inspiration do you need? maybe i could give it to you. >> stephen: oh. how do i live my dreams in a small town, raising a child by myself? >> stephen, you rely on family and community and money from your parents. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm all for it! >> stephen: "talking as fast as i can" is in stores now and "gilmore girls: a year in the life" is streaming on netflix. lauren graham, everybody. we'll be right back with justin long! ( cheers and applause ) en

>> old man on a bench. >> stephen: old man on a bench? >> yeah. >> stephen: and who would play him? who would you cast as mike pence? >> an old version of mark wahlberg. ♪ >> stephen: do you wear sunscreen? >> oh, yes. >> stephen: please tell me you are wearing sunscreen. >> doesn't it look like it? >> stephen: you look fantastic. >> for 68. >> stephen: what! no way. >> yes. >> stephen: i'm 52 and my face looks like a catchers mitt. how old do i look? you won't hurt my feelings. you're not going to hurt my feelings. how much would you have said? >> you look about 52. >> stephen: okay, great. you look 68. ( laughter ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes emily blunt! gael garcia bernal! and musical guest phantogram. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, everybody! thank you very much! hey jon, what's up? ( cheers and applause ) whoo! whoo! welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so

lovely time. >> had a ballast time. >> stephen: you seem to have a lot of fun wherever you gos picture? >> yes! >> stephen: you were at the u.n. last week? >> unicef. i was at the emcee at the unicef ball. >> stephen: you ran into a very interesting public figure when you were there. how did this figure come about? >> i just broke my way in there. actually, i came out of the bathroom and hillary was there and it was, like, oh, my god, my hands are wet, and i love you! seriously. >> stephen: it must be interesting to run into her. it's like running into sasquatch, super famous but you don't see her anyplace. did you ask how she was? >> i just told her i love her. >> stephen: she looks happy. as much as you might want to be president, it's a hard job. >> i know. i just kind of wish things were different, but we will learn, won't we? >> stephen: yes, we'll persevere. you have something a lot of people don't have, i don't have, you have a day named after you in your home state of alabama. i don't have that in south carolina. you have octavia spencer day. we were talking about holi

>> no. >> stephen: i always wanted to be a carney? >> really. >> stephen: get that carney strong, kind of stringy, but super strong. >> yeah, i would like-- i just like to travel with my family, my dad who is my uncle who is also my son. you know. >> stephen: happy thanksgiving. >> and to you, sir. >> stephen: happy >> happy holidays. >> stephen: are you a big holiday person? >> i am a big holiday person but i have two adolescent girls-- >> stephen: well, holidays are for kids, really? >> well, it's for kids but it's a lot of time with the kids. i'm-- i'm-- i like school. i like school. >> stephen: well, there's structure. >> there's structure, you put them on the school bus. you have a bottle of wine. yes. >> stephen: you don't put the bottle of wine on the school bus. you have the bottle of wine as you push-- >> god knows what they're have my own stash. but i have -- >> how old are these girls? >> well, they're 14 and 12 and the hormones are racing. and even though i look 21 i'm perimenopausal. so i'm crazy as a loon. so my poor husb

he's half man, half banana -- >> a manana! >> stephen: and each of the bananas he has on the try contains a message, like a fortune cookie, w except they're all good news. for instance, my good news inside that says, "good news! if you meet that gorilla who knows sign language, you have something in common to talk about." ( laughter ) okay? so that's good news. didn't know that. come with me, manana. anyone out here who needs good news? ( cheers and applause ) ( piano playing ally cat ) your name? >> serena. >> stephen: where are you from is that. >> wayne, new jersey. >> stephen: that's where fountains of wayne band got its name from the company called fountains of wayne. >> i did know that. >> stephen: is there anything else we should know about wayne, new jersey? >> i think tom cruise went to a middle school in wayne, new jersey. >> stephen: can we check on that? because you don't seem that certain. if tom cruise went to a middle because he's tom cruise. are you a fan of mr. cruise's? >> yeah. >> stephen: that level of response just b

. >> stephen: you're a handsome fella. i bet you do all right with the ladies. >> well, i get it when i need it. >> stephen: okay. see what i mean? let's stay on the topic. even the c.i.a. has concluded the russians intervened, why do >> every week, it's another excuse. we had a massive landslide victory, as you know, in the electoral college. >> stephen: okay, since you brought it up, there have been 58 presidential elections, so far. of those 58, your victory ranked 46th in the electoral college. down here. okay, you're below garfield, and he was a cat. >> we had many people saying one of t g time. >> stephen: can you name one of those many people? >> my children. >> stephen: anybody who's not you or your family who believes this was a landslide victory? >> it could be somebody sitting in a bed some place. >> stephen: i guess they have beds in russia. so why don't you read your daily intelligence briefing? >> you know, i'm like a smart person. >> stephen: how are you like a smart person? >> nobody really knows. >> stephen

a tacit agreement. so... >> audience: oooooh! >> stephen: okay. have another copy, of course,. ( cheers and applause ) but i'm not going to read that, either, because here's what these conspiracy theorists don't get: there's a difference between a conspiracy and an agreement. a conspiracy is what villains do. an agreement is what adults do. look around the country. wouldn't you agree we need some more adults? ( applause ) so wikileaks, alex jones, and the subreddit subgeniuses-- and i mean this in the nicest way possible-- grow the (bleep) up. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with sigourney weaver. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) do you have anything i can borrow for the holiday party? of course! cute! do you have anything for people? save ten when you spend fifty on apparel and accessories at target. ooh, look at you, all dolled up! my new beer, stella artois, hey cois finished. the people will love it. originally brewed for the holidays. enjoyed ever since. stella artois. host one to remember whmade plastics that tmake them lighter?rs the lubricants

>> stephen: a little down. yeah? eer up if you see him. >> santacon. >> stephen: so close, too. he would get action at the actual santa con. >> i know that. >> stephen: of course, you're friends with santa. >> i know santa. i haven't seen him lately. >> stephen: oh, okay. anyway -- >> stephen: anyway, merry christmas? >> yeah. and merry christmas to you, too. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> and merry christmas to all my friends. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: are you a big christmas guy? you got all the decorations up and all that fun stuff? >> yeah, my wife bought, like, a bonsai christmasre avenue and she's in the midst of decorating it. >> stephen: really? yeah, we were going to get a 50-footer and displace the people upstairs. but i'm only in the neighborhood another month or so. >> stephen: you don't live in new york full time. you're here because you're on broadway. ( cheers and applause ) you're doing the front page at the broad hurst theater. >> yes, i am. >> stephen: you're in the middle of your broa

stephen: okay. i understand that you're thinking about having kids. "a" congrats, mazel baby, mazel. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: second of all, why? what is it's notally easy. >> there are moments in the book i'm looking for greater meaning in my life. the book, of course,ings is called "superficial." that's another story. that is one of the dialogues in the book. you know, why not? >> stephen: why not? so you cn teach them making gingerbread houses. just b careful, listen, you're not that much younger than i am, and look how beautiful your skin is. >> thank you. >> stephen: you have some the world will nottop this from happening. >>hat! >> stephen: think about it? >> i have the facci to protect. >> stephen: what is facci? >> the face. >> stephen: i thought it was more yiddish. andy lovely toee you. congratulations on the show, and the book "superficial" is now in stores. andy cohen, everybody. we'll be right back, with a performance by pilobolus. ? ? ? so try new dishes like the new grand seafood feast, and the new wild-caught lobster & shrimp

>> jon: about three and a half hours or so. >> stephen: three and a half hours? and those are jazz hours. ( laughter ) >> jon: yeah. playing the whole time. >> stephen: those are not normal hours. no, exactly, the whole time, it's arpeggios. ( laughter ) now, walking around the streets of new york today, a lot of people, a little rough. you know, you could see it in their eyes. there's no way around it-- this... this is what it feels like when america's made great again. ( laughter and applause ) i was wondering. and i was really hoping it would feel better because this sucks! sucks. ( cheers and applause ) and i don't know if you guys had any trouble getting in here tonight because, right now, tonight, thousand of people have taken to the streets in protests in cities all over america. ( cheers and applause ) as a matter of fact, in this neighborhood actually, times square and columbus circle, one group went right by the theater. jim, do we have-- yeah, there it is. we shot it outside, right outside of our office window. there's the-- there's the colbert sign rig

>> stephen: how many? >> eight and a> you know, like, your grandfather who is bald, and he combs the hair over the bald part? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all the way over? wow. wow! hey, did you hear about the special hug that moms and dads do? >> yeah, i saw a book about it once. there's a lot of grunting and sweating, and when it's all over, everybody's really happy, except my mother. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah, i heard about all the grunting and the sweating. you know-- you know what they call it? >> yeah, the heimlich. >> stephen: i heard they had to do it to my grandma at a restaurant. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) are you crying? are you-- are you crying? don't cry! >> i hope she left a big tip. ( laughter ) >> stephen: hey, are you gonna-- are you gonna watch the "aquarius" two-hour commercial free season premiere this thursday on nbc? >> ( bleep ) yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: david duchovny, everybody! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ for me? oh my... [gasps]

i'm 40. >> stephen: you put a lot of thought into the things you do. > stephen: i believe that. i believe that, because i mean, are you a deep person? >> oh, hell yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i thought that about you. i thought you were deep. >> it's funny that you ask me that kind of question because i'm so deep-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm deep, too. that's why i ask questions about whether somebody's deep. >> oh! that's deep. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and, you know, these people may know, whenever i have a guest who is as deep as you are and as deep as i am, i like to invite them to contemplate the mysteries of the universe with me in a segment we call "big questions with even bigger stars." ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow, what a beautiful night. >> yeah. >> stephen: look at that sky. >> lots of stars and stuff. >> stephen: yeah. i feel really close to you right now, will. ( laughter ) ( laughs ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: hmmm. >> you know, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, will? >> how do you want to be thought of by your great-great g