(laughter) which brings me to the very first installment of my award losing segment, stephen colbert's shame spiral. don't look at me, i'm hideous. oh god. what have i done. oh, why! >> stephen: nation, recently my self-esteem was shattered by one ms. joanna kwass-- kwaas, an 86-year-old german gymnast who just nailed this routine at the 2012 gymnastics world cup. (applause) she's 86! (cheers and applause) look at that! that is 84 years older than the average chinese gymnast. and when she finished, i believe she walked off with bela karolyi in her arms. how is this possible? she is old enough to have retired from the aarp. meanwhile i break a sweat lifting a fork to my mouth. that's why i always use a spotter. so i will say, i will say my omelet this morning was a personal best. frau kwaas doesn't even have cellulite. i have some on my thumb. you know what, screw it. all right. i'm fat. i mean i try to work out. i run every day from the desk to the interview table. that's got to be like two miles. i mean why else are my nipples bleeding when i get there i mean and sure, sure, sure we b

not really. >> stephen: you're getting the colbert bump right now. >> i don't know what that is. >> stephenide the wave that is my show. ( laughter ) >> did you invent this colbert bump in your head or is this actual -- >> stephen: no, those are actual-- >> can you back this up. >> stephen: no, there are studies that have been done. >> by who? >> stephen: people who study things, jack. >> it sounds like you're doing the interview right now. >> stephen: i'm not. this is just a dry run. >> okay. q. so, anyway, that's what wewo. >> okay. >> stephen: are you okay? >> i guess so. >> stephen: all right, so are you ready to go do that? >> i guess. i mean, i don't have a choice. >> stephen: we're out of time. ( sighs ) i guess we'll just be back with the song-- with rwe going to do the song? >> yes! >> stephen: we'll be back ♪ ♪ >> ♪ cut off the bottoms of my feet ♪ make me walk on salt take me down to the police ♪ charge me with assault a smile on her face ♪ she does what she wants to me that's right and ♪ she don't care what kind of wounds she's inflicted on me ♪ she don't care what color bruises

that's why tonight i am proud to introduce stephens colbert's phase bunker. just remember to take it off before making breakfast. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [cheerin] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, nation, i don't know about you, but i have had it, have had it with the media accusing the republicans of waging a war on women, andly personally fight any woman who says we are. luckily rnc chairman and latin term for erectile dysfunction does exactly what this so-called war is. it is a liberal fantasy fanned by the lame-stream media. >> the democrats said we had a war on cat pillars and every mainstream media outlet talked about the fact that republicans have war on caterpillar, then we'd have problems with caterpillars. >> stephen: now, to be clear, the republicans are not fighting a war on cat pillars. they are simply calling for transcocoonal ultra sounds. now, unfortunately, folks, this war on women myth has taken root. a new poll shows that likely candidate mitt romney trails obama among women voters by 19 po

. >> still ahead, celebrating the military -- stephen colbert highlights with the first lady. >> the link between sleep and wake and what every insomniac need to know them up the warm weather is making a comeback in a couple of days and adam caskey will have the full forecast. >> an argentine woman who went to see the body of her premature body found the infant was actually a lot. she looked at the body in the hospital morgue, she heard a whimper and saw the baby move. doctors say the intent is a good vision and they don't know how it survived 12 hours in a refrigerated room. authorities are now investigating what happened. >> unbelievable. >> let's get a look at traffic and weather every 10 minutes. >> let's start out with lisa baden. >> there is nothing to add to your travel except for southbound into laurel on the baltimore washington parkway were they are removing a stalled car near 197. let's take you live to a couple of big geico traffic center cameras and traffic is moving nicely on interstate 95 through laurel between washington and baltimore and i-395 north of the beltway, n

stephen t. mos def colbert go tigers. all in. that is fantastic. thank you very much. clause i've got family that works for clemson. >> stephen: . >> do you? >> stephen: absolutely. my sister works at the drive train facility in charleston where they're testing the new wind turbine. >> it's awesome! >> stephen: so exciting. it's going to be the largest drive train testing facility for wind turbines in the world! everybody from around the world is going to test their engines in south carolina. are we going to lead the world in wind power? >> yes. >> stephen: absolutely. i thought so. all right. madam, thank you so much for coming on. besides being the governor of the great state you have a new book called "nikki haley: can't is not an option." my american story. how is can't not an option because as a conservative i believe that can't is a way of life. you can't come into my country and you can not get married if you're gay. (laughter). >> stephen: i'm the proud daughter of indian parents that brought us to a small southern town in south carolina. i was born and raised t

>> stephen: he cured cancer. >> no, he was the anti-colbert. he was an anti-war activist. f the dean see. he got... d.n.c. he got a degree from harvard. >> stephen: we all have youthful indiscretions. i went to dartmouth. i don't talk about it much. >> i'm really sure that deep in your subconscious you wish you had won a pulitzer because you know what pulitzer did? he almost single-handedly started the spanish american war. >> remember the "maine," baby! you're happy the spanish killed our boys in the havana harbor. you still have parties about it with hillary! i saw her dancing, celebrating the death of those men on the "maine." >> you just need a little therapy. >> stephen: (bleep) about your pulitzer prize. as a web site you won a pulitzer prize, right? >> right. >> stephen: you can also with a peabody with a web site, right? >> who needs a peabody when you have a pulitzer? (cheers and applause) >> i need something to keep all my emmys and grammys company. >> i'm glad i'm here because you need to stopping a a gaiting the huffing to be post-. >> stephen: that's a good poi

and by the way, my name is stephen colbert, and i have a television show. (laughter) (cheers and applause) we'll be right back. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight has a new novel called the wolf gift. quick tip, remember to keep your wolf gift receipt. please welcome anne rice. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ms. rice, thanks so much for coming on. all right, madame, you are the author of 31 novels that have sold over a hundred million copies worldwide. many different languages. everybody of course knows you from the vampire novels. they are probably the biggest thing people know you from. now you have a new novel called the wolf gift. now i assume from the title this is about a wolf without learns the true meaning of christmas. (laughter) true? >> no, no, actually, he just learns how to be a werewolf, a man learns how to be a werewolf. >> stephen: how do you learn how to be a werewolf, aren't you bitten by another werewolf to become a werewolf. >> that is what happens to this young man, rubin golding, my hero. he is 23, he is

colbert's very wanted. >> oh my god. >> a neighborhood under siege. >> that explosion rocked me and my wife, we were like wow, what is going on. >> stephen: is there a serial criminal on the loose? this is colbert's very wanted. these are manatees. noble, haunting, lethargic. as beautiful as they are endangered. but you might know them better by their street name. mailboxes, yes, frozen in place these novelty mailboxes bring years of joy to owners and passersby alike. that is until things go terribly wrong. which is exactly what happened just weeks ago in cocoa, florida. >> nothing bad has ever happened in this neighborhood. other than my mailbox. >> reporter: homeowner denise hasty told us about her box. >> i've owned a manatee mailbox for 20 years. i dress up my manatee for every holiday. and when there's not a holiday, since we're in florida, i make him or her a boy or girl. >> but which is it, a boy or a girl. >> the mailbox went both ways, male and female. i don't have a manatee fetish. i just loved my manatee mailbox. >> stephen: but that love came to a shocking end on the night of february 14th. >> the st. valentine's day massacre. about 10:3

don't get me wrong. >> i can see it. >> stephen: but we have a resident expert pundit here at the stephen colbert. brian, what are your thoughts on this important issue? >> not in this economy. ( applause ). >> stephen: well said. mrs. obama, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: it's an honor to have you. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: first lady michelle obama. we'll be right back. thank you.

don't get me wrong. >> i can see it. >> stephen: but we have a resident expert pundit here at the stephen colbertn, what are your thoughts on this important issue? >> not in this economy. ( applause ). >> stephen: well said. mrs. obama, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: it's an honor to have you. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: first lady michelle obama. we'll be right back. thank you. ♪ [ lil wayne ] ladies and gentlemen if you got anything from me. it's to find your thing and do you! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ because we all know it's not what you do ♪ it's how you do. ♪ and this is how we do. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night.

. >> first lady michelle obama drops in on stephen colbert, but colbert gets the bump. first to the news live at 5:30 a.m. at 30 rock here in new york city. today george zimmerman is due in a florida courtroom to face charges of second degree murder in the trayvon martin case. the 28-year-old neighborhood watch volunteer was arrested yesterday, 45 days after shooting the unarmed teen in what he claims was self-defense. zimmerman's lawyer is planning to ask for bail and says his client will plead not guilty. it marks a dramatic new turn in the case which triggered widespread protests and brought issues of race, justice and police conduct to the national stage. martin's parents say the state's stand your ground law which provides wide latitude for people to use deadly force in the face of danger, does not apply to this case. the special prosecutor apparently agreed. >> let me emphasize that we do not prosecute by public pressure or by petition. we prosecute based on the facts of any given case, as well as the laws of the state of florida. we only know one category as pros

another and i record all of my phone conversations for inclusion in my upcoming audio memoir "stephen colbert's all of my unedited phone calls 2007-2012." well, tonight i'd like to share a distressing call i got from wilfred just last night. (phone ringing) >> stephen: hello? >> hey, hollywood. >> stephen: wilfred? >> it's wilfred. wilfrid brimly. >> stephen: jesus, wilfrid, it's 3:00 in the morning. >> there's a stranger in my house. >> stephen: what? wilfred, are you okay? where is he? >> he's on the oatmeal box! (laughter) i've never seen him before. what'd they do to larry? >> wilfred, just calm down, that is larry, he just lost a few pounds. >> well, i'll be damned, he looks good. >> stephen: i'm glad it was a false alarm, good night will ford. >> i'm fat. (laughter) the. >> stephen: no, no, you're not. >> i used to be in great shape. you know i was a rodeo clown. >> yeah, i know wilford. >> i was in "the firm." you know what they used to call me on the set of "the firm"? >> stephen: no, what did they call you? >> the firm. >> stephen: listen to me, you look exactly the same as you did in

mitt romney, benjamin netanyahu, warren buffett. >> also part of the time 100, political pundit stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i am one of 1900 most influential people in the world! (cheers and applause) whooo! whooo! you know what, folks w this kind of power i better be careful where i point this thing. i might influence someone. like you, moonbeam. put down the doobie and come to jesus. (laughter) and then of course there is this great picture of me inside, hold on let me get to this thing. look at that. all right? look at that. (cheers and applause) although i don't know how they got my driver's license photo. and i was particularly honored that it's accompanied by a profile of mean by doonesbury creator garry trudeau. garry and i met when he was on the show. it was a very brief encounter sow never really got to know the inner me. luckily, there is no inner me. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: but mi only one of the 100 people long erred. so let's spend a little time on the other i what to say like 84. because i am up there with some big names. people who shape our world

the treasure will receive a visit to the american university of their choice from the actual stephen colbert. not the venezuelan knockoff i sent to mall opens and congressional hearings. of course-- (applause) (cheers and applause) as the leader of the super pac, you'll need strategic political advice, the kind i get from ham rove. he has all the brains of karl rove, with half the sodium. so in each and every kit i am including ham rove protege, hamlet rove, okay. this is an actual one pound canned ham who will advice you right up until the election or until you get the munchies at 2 a.m. so go to colbert super pac.com and begin taking wads of money from trusting people without promising any results. just like your college does. (cheers and applause) >> everybody knows liberals have a long history of slandering good american industries with hurtful names. sure these days everybody hates air pollution. but when i was a kid, we celebrated it as bonus clouds. well, now the anti-business word wizards have a beef with beef. >> a whistle-blower has come forward to tell consumers about the ground b

first of all, i think stephen colbert should be in political business.channels the hopes and dreams. this is the first time we had a long process. usually our primaries south carolina, maybe florida, instead of having three or four week primary, we had three or four month primary which allowed for more things to happen. as we've seen, a lot of things happened between then and now. >> alicia, are you surprised that romney is having trouble coalescing the base and getting excitement? ed gillespie goes to work for mitt romney, that tells me the establishment is behind him 110%, but it is not translating now into full blooded enthusiasm. people beating their chest with romney arms. is that going to come? >> i don't think so, and luke, you're asking exactly the right question, which is, you know, will this eventually happen. i think the problem is part of this has to do with romney, part of it has to do with the republican party and their brand, but i think there's light at the end of the tunnel for republicans which is you have had ron paul who has been able