, stephen colbert becomes very serious. [ female announcer ] there's a gap out there.hat's keeping you from the healthcare you deserve. at humana, we believe if healthcare changes, if it becomes simpler... if frustration and paperwork decrease... if grandparents get to live at home instead of in a home... the gap begins to close. so let's simplify things. let's close the gap between people and care. ♪ ♪ honey, we need to talk. we do? i took the trash out. i know. and thank you so much for that. i think we should get a medicare supplement insurance plan. right now? [ male announcer ] whether you're new to medicare or not, you may know it only covers about 80% of your part b medical expenses. it's up to you to pay the difference. so think about an aarp medicare supplement insurance plan, insured by unitedhealthcare insurance company. like all standardized medicare supplement insurance plans, they help cover some of what medicare doesn't pay. i did a little research. with a medicare supplement plan, you'll be able to stay with your doctor. oh, you know, i love that guy. m

stephen colbert's uncle eddie. you know that dream...my count. the one where you step up and save the day? make it happen. (crowd) oh no... introducing verizon xlte. hey guys, i got it right here! we've doubled our 4g lte bandwidth in cities coast to coast. so take on more. with xlte. for best results, use verizon. then boom... what happened? stress, fun, bad habits kids, now what? let's build a new, smarter bed using the dualair chambers to sense your movement, heartbeat, breathing. introducing the sleep number bed with sleepiqtm technology. it tracks your sleep and tells you how to adjust for a good, better and an awesome night. the difference? try adjusting up or down. you'll know cuz sleep iq™ tells you. only at a sleep number store, mattresses with sleepiq start at just $999.98. know better sleep with sleep number. >>> welcome back to "the lead," the world lead. it brought together two unlikely allies, the united states and the soviet union to crush nazi germany. president obama and vladimir putin celebrated d-day and to honor the m

stephen colbert was very close with his mother.e eddie was a living, breathing member of the family. take a listen. >> a lot of these letters start when he's 19, and he's dead by 23, and you see higgs maturation process in the letters. he starts off as someone very proud to be serving his country, wants to get the job done, and by the end of it, he is someone who has seen terrible things, but is absolute steel in his conviction that it was the right thing to have done and wants to keep going. he lives all the way through the war in europe and then wants to go over to japan, but unfortunately dies before he gets there. >> a lot of people might know the 101st airborne division because of "band of brothers," kate. that was easy company. edward tuck was in fox company, but they were together the entire time. so it is a story that i think a lot of people might find familiar if they watched or red band of brothers. >> i think even president obama mentioned in 101st airborne in his address in normandy. a different side of stephen colbert

colbert report"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: welcome to "the colbert reportnk you for joining us, everybody! thank you so much! (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! that was a first! that was a first! (cheers and applause) thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! i've got to say, your enthusiasm tonight, what you just did almost led to a first on the show! i almost started chanting "stephen, stephen" myself, but then i caught myself (cheering) i only do that when i'm shaving in the morning. (laughter) folks, there's no bigger defender of the second amendment than facey-face right here. (laughter) i've always said, the best defense against a bad guy with a gun is a good guy hoarding guns in a backwoods shack muttering to himself about the coming race war. which is why i support the open-carry movement, where patriots stand up for the second amendment by proudly displaying their guns in public places, like a patriot fest last month where these two buddies posted photos of themselves with their guns at a chipotle. (laughter)

or stephen colbert? stephen colbert. we'll talk about that. >>> first, children in crisis.update on the high-level meeting surrounding a humanitarian crisis at the border. ♪ touch down... every morning... ten times! not just... now and then. once more on the rise... nuts to the flabby guys! go, you chicken fat, go away! go, you chicken fat, go! run, two, run (running) (like a tortoise) okay! (too far, and too slow.) now double up, ready! run two three four... (running) run two three four... (like a hare) run two three four... (now you are) run two three four... (getting there) run two three four... (go you) run two three four... (chicken fat,) everybody sing! (go away!) go, you chicken fat, go! go! go! go! dismissed! that's keeping you from the healthcare you deserve. at humana, we believe if healthcare changes, if it becomes simpler... if frustration and paperwork decrease... if grandparents get to live at home instead of in a home... the gap begins to close. so let's simplify things. let's close the gap between people and care. ♪ let's close the gap between people and car

more after "the buzz." >>> finally, do jon stewart and stephen colbert have a bit less influence these because they go easy on president obama? lauren and i disagreed on that, not surprisingly, on "the o'reilly factor." >> they prop up the democratic party and the liberal line, president obama, by denigrating their opposition. >> jon stewart's peak of influence was really when iraq was out of control during the bush administration. >> look at all the scandals that have happened under the obama administration. you have the irs scandal, the v.a. scandal, iraq in chaos and let's not forget about obamacare, and they went really hard on obama about that. >> really hard? >> no, i didn't see it, lauren. maybe you're watching the closed-circuit broadcast. >> first of all, lauren, you should throw colbert under the bus because he took you said and took it out of context and made you sound like a conspiracy theorist. >> well, i showed him. >> i'm not messing with you. >> don't, right? i have a couple more weeks of this. >> you've had time to think about it. >> no. >> don't you think that stewart

. >> stephen: all hell. because "the colbert report" has discovered footage that proves she's not just a black lesbian psychopathic cyborg... >> spairn speaking german] >> stephen: she's a robo-nazi. but who, you ask, would be naive enough to fall for the charms of black, lesbian, nazi robot? weak-mind vermonters. >> i think she's beautiful. >> i think she's gorgeous. >> you're really kind. >> thank you. >> we have plenty of white males in the world and something different, especially here in vermont, is a nice touch. >> >> stephen: if by touch you mean an iron fist crushing the human race. tell him, science guy. >> it is possible we will see the uprising of an army of robots who are black, lesbian and psychopathic. i suppose it is. i seriously doubt it's going to happen. it's going to happen. it's going to happen. >> stephen: you heard his echo. it's going to happen. and dina is mobilizing. >> you must side with the robot liberation army when the day comes. okay. okay. good. >> and make no mistake. that day is coming. >> newsre

it's stephen colbert's americone dream. ( cheers and applause ).y have cut out the most important ingredient of all-- me. which can only mean i must be a genetically modified organism. i mean, it makes sense. i am highly resistant to aphids and-- and-- and i'm round-up ready. ( cheers and applause ) kids, kids, don't try that at home unless your parents bought you from monsanto. you know what? this cures-- this cures gen till purpling. we'll be right back. (vo) after 50 years of designing cars for crash survival, subaru has developed our most revolutionary feature yet. a car that can see trouble... ...and stop itself to avoid it. when the insurance institute for highway safety tested front crash prevention nobody beat subaru models with eyesight. not honda. not ford or any other brand. subaru eyesight. an extra set of eyes, every time you drive. so safely whiten your smile with listerine whitening®. other mouthwashes just whiten teeth. but only listerine whitening® both whitens and restores enamel. new listerine whitening vibrant®. power to your mo

it's stephen colbert's americone dream. ( cheers and applause ).y have cut out the most important ingredient of all-- me. which can only mean i must be a genetically modified organism. i mean, it makes sense. i am highly resistant to aphids and-- and-- and i'm round-up ready. ( cheers and applause ) kids, kids, don't try that at home unless your parents bought you from monsanto. you know what? this cures-- this cures gen till purpling. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, i love new york city. people are just-- ( cheers and applause ) listen to that. people are so friendly here. you can go out on the street and day, stick out your arm, and someone will give you a ride for free. and then when you get out of the car, they shout good-bye to you in their strange and angry language. but sadly, nowhere is big government more intrusive than the big apple. you think you can force me into alternate side-of-the-street? guess what, coppers? you can keep my car, and good luck finding a pla

. >> i will fully admit that my best understanding of super pacs comes from stephen colbert and i sayhis as someone who has read a lot about them. a study released by the policy found that stephen colbert did a better job of teaching his viewers about super pacs than the rest of us did. >> that's right, i did a better job informing the public about campaign finance reform than every other news organization and cnn. >> his super pac displays were meant for comedy about the absurdity, but there's one even more ambitious. a super pac being started with the explicit goal of ending all super pacs. the idea is the brain child of a law professor and is backed by some of the names in silicon valley. joining me to explain is professor of law at harvard. larry, what is the plan here with the may day pac? >> we want to build a pac that's going to be big enough to win a congress committed to fundamental reform by 2016. to do that, we're going to run a series of races in 2014 both to figure out what messaging, what way to intervene will work and also to send a message to congress that this is seri

brat has enjoyed the long-time support and friendship of stephen colbert who was the best man at his wedding and who future president brat, plans to appoint as ambassador to bikinitown and wicki true. all right. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: of course i don't have to tell you good people that brat is an economics professor at randolph macon college. go fighting hyphens. and he is a great teacher. reviewers on rate my professor dot-com have noted he's title eye candy. he's so charming you forget to be mad at him and at least he's hot. yes, he is. i wouldn't kick him out of bed for kick mexicans out of the country. now in a strange twist, brat's democratic opponent will be jack trammell. another professor at randolph macon. don't know about the college but other professors seem to be looking for other jobs. my only problem with the professor is he won without economics. >> he spent 50 times more than brat and while brat spent barrel $100,000. >> we're watching steak houses alone than his opponent dave brat spent on his opponent's campaign. >> he got dethroned while eating a rib-eye.

how things work, jan was this surprising to you, because what we came up with was a show like stephen colbert where else playing a role on the show, his viewers knew more about campaign financing by watching his show at night. >> there's a transformation in the media. we were talking about the dismiels -- displays of newspaper and the proliferation of other forms of entertain him that are out there. it's not the 19th century when people went to the lincoln debates for entertainment. people have so many different choices and colbert merged entertainment with serious politics and was able to get a message through. >> he was able to teach what a pact is. diewnched it's interesting they -- do you find it interesting they don't go to the newspaper, fox news, it was co-bare. >> it's the insiders who like to read new yorker and c shf span it's the masses who are not interested in eating vegetables, you have to dip it in chocolate. upts to give them truitt -- you want to give them fruit you ever to dip it in chocolate. when you're entertaining, you mix it, it doesn't feel like it's in school. >> when

stu and angry zigy smell something fishy, which is why it's time for another installment of stephen colbert's "bat [bleeped] serious." now, folks,er know what you're thinking. you're thinking, stephen, didn't you just do your "bat [bleeped] serious" segment last night to uncover the secret forces behind the surge in young immigrants? maybe. but here's a better question: why can i hear your thoughts? [laughter] because, nation, i'm starting to suspect the world cup might be some sort of organized global sporting event coordinated by dozens of foreign nations in an attempt to grab ahold of our attention, even worse, they're grabbing our attention with their feet. and there's more. dr. keith, ablow me. >> here's the world cup. that's what's going on. >> it's little too convenient when we have a president who i contend has it in for americans and we elected him because we were fearful at the time. we better elect someone who is not very patriotic, because, god, we could have terrorists attack us for being american. okay. so we did that. >> stephen: okay. so we did that. check that box. okay. whic

because i just found out that they are deterring customers from buying books by stephen colbert. and as any long time viewer of this show knows,-- they're fighting with pie publisher hachette and amazon is playing hard cover. >> amazon seems to be stepping up its battle with book publish esch hachette, now refusing orders for some upcoming hachette books. >> amazon has been accused of using different tactics to quietly deter publishes from buying books from hachette. >> amazon has been accused from raising prices to deliberately delaying shipments. >> delaying shipments. sometimes three to four weeks. folks, that is just cruel. if you ordered hachette's 21 day weight loss by the time it arrives, you're still fat. (laughter) and this is a big blow-- it's a big blow to my bottom line. because amazon controls around 50% of all book sales. that's right. 30 books a year! (laughter) amazon even released a statement encouraging customers to buy used copies of hachette books from other sellers. folks, publishers and authors get no cash from used book sales. plus, you don't want them. (la

it's stephen colbert's americone dream. ( cheers and applause ).y have cut out the most important ingredient of all-- me. which can only mean i must be a genetically modified organism. i mean, it makes sense. i am highly resistant to aphids and-- and-- and i'm round-up ready. ( cheers and applause ) kids, kids, don't try that at home unless your parents bought you from monsanto. you know what? this cures-- this cures gen till purpling. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] the mercedes-benz summer event is here. now get e unmistakable thrill... and the incredible rush... of the mercedes-benz you've always wanted. ♪ but you better get here fast... [ daughter ] yay, daddy's here! here you go, honey. thank you. [ male announcer ] ...because a good thing like this... phew! [ male announcer ] ...won't last forever. see your authorized dealer for an incredible offer on the exhilarating c250 sport sedan. but hurry, offers end soon. share your summer moments in your mercedes-benz with us. yo,move fast fruit flavor,fe, watermelon, blue razz green apple. y

. >> stephen: stephen colbert, the "colbert report." i have a 12-part question. ou going to answer any of my questions today? >> i'll say a lot. >> stephen: you'll say a lot? all right. are you still working for the white house officially right now? >> i have another 24 hours as white house press secretary, so -- >> stephen: okay, good. ( cheers and applause ). so i can still maintain a healthy contempt for you. because as soon as you're not working for that guy, you know i'm going to like you. >> well i hope so. >> stephen: what are you going to do? first of all, why are you quitting, you quitter? could you not take it? >> i got an e-mail from somebody calling me a quitter. >> stephen: you are a quitter, quitter. man up. there's a war about to start in iraq again. come on. don't you want to answer those questions? >> you know, i got an e-mail earlier this year from someone who said,un," you're the longest serving white house press secretary since the mid-90s." and i chebd, and it's true. i didn't quite realize that it was such a high-burnout job. because i-- i'm

>> of course when stephen colbert saw the clip he had his own reaction.ow often does barack obama run for president? every four years. how often is there a world cup? every four years. now watch this. that doesn't just happen. marijuana is clearly involved here, folks. you would have to be baked out of your gourd to be that paranoid. >> that isn't the only political conspiracy theory this week. a republican candidate for congress in oklahoma is contesting tuesday's primary results saying the winner is dead. tim murray said long time congressman frank lewis isn't qualified for office because he, quote, is no longer alive and has been displayed by a look alike. it is complained he was executed by the world court on or about january 11, 2011 in southern ukraine. congressman lucas said he's never even been to ukraine. despite this murray received more than 5% of the prime ary vote on tuesday. at least we think it was murray. election board officials received the complaint. he's not yet formally fired a petition to contest the election. >>> up next, immigratio

>> i do. >> stephen: you know what sounds really good-- ( cheers and applause ) the uss"stephen colbert >> you know, it does. the only problem is you have to be dead first. >> stephen: oh! like super dead? or just a little dead? >> you know, we can make exceptions. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: secretary maybus, thank you so much for joining me. secretary of the navy, ray mabus. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ooh, a blt with avocado... waitress: yeah. fresh avocado, creamy pepper sauce. it's delicious. and it's a great deal. woman: sounds amazing, but shouldn't that be called a blta? waitress: sweetheart, one bite, and you're not going to care what it's called. [ bell rings ] welcome to denny's. the annual company retreat. planned, as usual, by this guy. nature lover... people person. ♪ and you put up with it all... because he also booked you a room... at this place. planet earth's number one accomodation site: booking.com booking.yeah! ♪ ♪ [ female announcer ] is your morning trying to tell you something? ♪ maybe we should have gotten him one?

and there's no better way to unanswer them than i in stephen colbert's "bat [bleeped] serious." [cheering and applause] folks, long-time viewers know that in "bat [bleeped] serious," i peel back the veil to expose hidden truths they don't want you to know. for instarntion did you know the fluoride the government puts in our water isn't even to control our minds? it's to strengthen our teeth. that way we won't get fillings and the rebel underground can't broadcast truth directly into our skull. [laughter] now, folks, these kids say they're coming here to escape poverty and violence, but my conservative colleagues and i know that the more likely explanation is the one we like more. just follow texas governor rick perry as he puts his head up his own rabbit hole. >> . you either have an incredibly inept administration or they're in on this somehow or other. i hate to be conspiratorial, but how do you move that many people from central america across mexico and then into the united states without their being a fairly coordinated effort. >> i hate to be con conspiratorial, too but th

it's stephen colbert's americone dream. ( cheers and applause ). they have cut out the most important ingredient of all-- me. which can only mean i must be a genetically modified organism. i mean, it makes sense. i am highly resistant to aphids and-- and-- and i'm round-up ready. ( cheers and applause ) kids, kids, don't try that at home unless your parents bought you from monsanto. you know what? this cures-- this cures gen till purpling. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers. about bending the rules. now i have the tools that bend them even further. somewhere in the world, a massive wave is waiting to be found. with technology this versatile, finding it is easy. dropping in, that's another story. ancr: help ian discover a monster wave with the hp pavilion x360. andy williams singing "it's the most wonderful tim]" ♪ it's the most wonderful time... ♪ of th♪ ♪ ding dong ... ding dong... ♪ ♪ ...with those holiday greetings.... ♪ ♪ ...and gay happy meetings when... ♪ ♪ ...friends come to call...

in fact, i too have felt the changing tides and so tonight in solidarity with scott walker, i stephen colbertly taking no stand on gay marriage. [cheering and applause] where do i find the indifference? yes, i may have some said some crisp things about it in the past, like 90 seconds ago, but i have take harden look at public opinion, and i've decided to set the record straight... or gay. it may or may not matter to me. the point is i am passionate about my unwillingness to express ore even say the words. of my opinion. the point is, the point is i'm here, they're queer, let's talk about something else. when we return,ly talk about the very same thing with my guest david boies and ted olson. we'll be right back. andale, ya llegaron tus amigos. ♪ ♪ play "peel, play, olé, olé" from mcdonald's. ¡!¡luis!!! ¡!¡papá!!! and you could win a trip for two to the fifa world cup final in rio! there's something new to love at mcdonald's. [ male announcer ] the mercedeis here.ummer event now get e unmistakable thrill... and the incredible rush... of the mercedes-benz you've always wanted. ♪ but you better

in fact, i too have felt the changing tides and so tonight in solidarity with scott walker, i stephen colbert am officially taking no stand on gay marriage. [cheering and applause] where do i find the indifference? yes, i may have some said some crisp things about it in the past, like 90 seconds ago, but i have take harden look at public opinion, and i've decided to set the record straight... or gay. it may or may not matter to me. the point is i am passionate about my unwillingness to express ore even say the words. of my opinion. the point is, the point is i'm here, they're queer, let's talk about something else. when we return,ly talk about the very same thing with my guest david boies and ted olson. we'll be right back. [sound of rain.] let's get redd's strawberry ale. just what i was thinking. redd's strawberry ale. fresh like a strawberry; brewed like an ale. [sound of rain.] touch down... every morning... ten times! not just... now and then. once more on the rise... nuts to the flabby guys! go, you chicken fat, go away! go, you chicken fat, go! run, two, run (running) (like a tortoise)

. >> stephen: you know what sounds really good-- ( cheers and applause ) the uss"stephen colbert." ll off your tongue? ( applause ). >> you know, it does. the only problem is you have to be dead first. >> stephen: oh! like super dead? or just a little dead? >> you know, we can make exceptions. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: secretary maybus, thank you so much for joining me. secretary of the navy, ray mabus. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) show 'em the curve. ♪ it's beautiful. it's more than that... ...it's perfect. introducing curved ultra high definition television from samsung. when francois thibault said he with spring water and the n best french wheat. everyone here said... non, non! but little by little, the world got to love what he had made. grey goose, francois? the extraordinary belongs to those who make it. berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little? or you can squirt a lot. ...really changes your water. it changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. squirt some. it changes everything. so you can get cash back on all your purchases. so you can use

in fact, i too have felt the changing tides and so tonight in solidarity with scott walker, i stephen colbertcially taking no stand on gay marriage. [cheering and applause] where do i find the indifference? yes, i may have some said some crisp things about it in the past, like 90 seconds ago, but i have take harden look at public opinion, and i've decided to set the record straight... or gay. it may or may not matter to me. the point is i am passionate about my unwillingness to express ore even say the words. of my opinion. the point is, the point is i'm here, they're queer, let's talk about something else. when we return,ly talk about the very same thing with my guest david boies and ted olson. we'll be right back. replace your laptop? start with the best writing experience. make it incredibly thin. add an adjustable kickstand, a keyboard, a usb port, and the freedom of touch. and, of course, make it run microsoft office, with the power and speed to do real work. introducing surface pro 3. the tablet that can replace your laptop. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my gusts tonight are the

. >>> plus, stephen colbert breaks down exactly what it will take for the u.s. to advance to the world cup knockout round in a way that only he can. >>> and this -- >> watch out. he could come up. look out. get back. get back. get back. you guys are nuts. >> that's crazy. a close encounter with a great white shark. how it ended and why these types of situations could become more common on the east coast. that story and a check on weather when "way too early" comes right back. >>> roswell flying saucers were really experimental discs tied to high-altitude balloons. and the aliens, just human look-alike dummies dropped in parachutes for research. this, the air force says, puts an end once and for all to theorys that there's been a cover-up. [ julie ] the wrinkle cream graveyard. if it doesn't work fast... you're on to the next thing. clinically proven neutrogena® rapid wrinkle repair. it targets fine lines and wrinkles with the fastest retinol formula available. you'll see younger looking skin in just one week. one week? this one's a keeper. rapid wrinkle repair.

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the philadelphia enquirer, a new study shows the americans are learning more from stephen colbert thanadcast news. look at his face. according to the study, the colbert report caught more about than other news source. i believe that. the san francisco chronicle, apple unveiled a major software update yesterday. the company will launch a new operating system for both its max and iphones this fall. also new ways for the computers to sync with iphones and ipads as well as allowing multiple devices to share files. we'll see. "the washington post." a new study out of the university of chicago finds hurricanes with female names -- this is just strange -- are often more deadlier than storms with male names. researchers analyzed more than 60 years of data from 94 hurricanes that have hit the u.s. between 1950 and 2012. they're findings? hurricanes with a feminine name -- god, this is weird -- killed on average 42 people compared with masculine storms. i'm just going to take a moment here. >> let that sink in. >> joining us now with the politico playbook, politico's editor in chief john harris.

: meyers is part of a new late-night generation making way for jimmy fallon, seth meyers, and stephen colbert emmys this august. >> it's all very competitive. >> lauren michaels said the real competition is at that hour. >> the late night team is not afraid to take some risks. you've been able to start this new franchise called the second chance theater? >> yes. it's old skits that did not make final cut? >> right. and i think we're proving that there is logic about why they didn't make the first cut but that is why second chance theater exists. i want to give a safe space for people to make their argument towards the american people. >> please welcome jake tapper. >> speaking of giving questionable material a chance, last night meyers welcomed me to his show. >> look at that hair. >> oh, that hair. >> it's not like i had a doctor say that i'd get off the table. >> i attempted a sketch comedy of my own. his advice before the show proved invaluable. >> no advice, nothing? >> do one voice. >> i try it out with the audience. >> i do one with obama. >> i think this is the perfect place to do that

tomorrow, 70 years to the day, i'll sit down with stephen colbert as he shares his uncle's incredibleivision which you probably know from the movie and the book "band of brothers." make sure to follow me on twitter @jaketapper. i know turn you over to wolf blitzer who is in "the situation room." mr. blitzer? >> jake, happening now. bergdahl execution threat. as president obama defends the swap, they say he would have been killed by his captors if word of the deal had gotten out. bergdahl's captor speak. jubilant at the prisoner exchange and return of five hardcore leaders. but why did they give a gift to sergeant bergdahl? >>> plus, russia's leader offering billions of financial help to nuclear-armed north korea. i'm wolf blitzer. you're in