the late show with stephen colbert is up here. by the way, the fifth quarter is coming up after the game on my t.v.38. >> thanks for joining us. captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing intro music ) >> welcome stephen colbert! >> stephen: bhoo! thank you. thank you, everybody. welcome to the show. hey! well could am-- welcome to the late show, everybody! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. welcome to the late show. thanking, everybody. you know i'm so excited. i'm your host stephen colbert and tonight whether or not you are aware of it is a momentous occasion because this is our 50th episode. (cheers and applause) that's nice, 50, of course, is the golden anniversary so i bought everyone on my staff their very own gold bond (laughter) how you feeling, john? >> dry and refreshed! working. all right. 50 episodes. i can't believe we reached the big 5-0 in just ten weeks to put that in perspe

featuring jon batiste and stay human and now it's time for the late show with stephen colbert! hey, everybody. >> cheers plawses-- (cheers and applause). >> stephen: let the games begin. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks so much. thanks, jon! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey, y'all, i'm not sure if you are familiar but it's already november 23rd. which means we're only three days away from thangsz giving. there is only one thing the host is always in charge of, and that's the turkey. you got to get up before dawn to de-brine it, give it a deep sense yus butter shiatsu and remember if you put the stuffing inside the bird there is a risk of salmonella so so remember put the stuffing inside the bird. that's why it's called stuffing. roll the bones, live on a high wire. stuffing on the side is not stuffing, unless it's stof top stuffing, one of our sponsors. stove top, eat it. and i got to tell you this thanksgiving i'm feeling a little betrayed because it has just been revealed that the grotion ree store labels on the turkey mean very little.

and now it's time for the late show with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you, thanks, everybody. you know, i like a lot of you i'm sure you feel the same way, sometimes i wish there were more hours in the day. if there were i'm sure i would use them to figure out why the earth's rotation was suddenly slower. but i would also use that time to get really informed about the news. i don't have that time, all the time. so instead, this is stephen colbert's hot takes. first off, a disclaimer, my hot takes are right out of the oven so i can't be responsible for how poorly thought out my opinions are. (laughter) tonight's hot take, beer. (applause). >> stephen: thank you. i love beer. it dates back almost 6,000 years to ancient sumeria where it led to a lot of late night cuneiform tablets reading "you up? ". (laughter) so because i love beer, my blood ran frosty when i heard the news that guinness is changing its iconic recipe after 256 years. yeah. oh, oh, yeah. my hot take? i don't like it. look. you don't change guinness.

. >> stephen colbert! ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! hey! whoooment cheersz plaws (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen. stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome to the late show, everybody. thank you so much! thanks, everybody. i'm stephen colbert. everybody have a good weekend? have i a nice time? i spent mine very productively. i organized some closets. i made some swedish meatballs. and i san lyzed the new japanese star wars trailer. you guys see the new star wars trailer? a lot of new footage in there that they didn't put in the american trailer. for instance, we see a lot of the new droid bb-8. he's a little beeping robot companion that moves around on a gyroscopic sphere. i don't know where he comes from, but my theory r2-d2 had sex with a yoga ball. (laughter) get that into your head. get that image in your head. and there's a great shot of the fighter

>> jon: welcome stephen colbert! ( band playing intr ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! welcome, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome, everybody. that's lovely.

. >>> stephen colbert is up next. >> have a great night. welcome stephen colbert! ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> whooo! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you my people! thank you, my friends. thank you my tv family! welcome to the late show. please, thanks so much. folks, thank you for being here, welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. and i'm feeling good. i'm feeling alive! i feel good. i feel alive and refreshed. today. because yesterday was fall-back day. you know, when daylight savings time ends. byes way, i hope everybody took full advantage of daylight savings time this summer and got your crops in or-- (laughter) i assume that's what it's for. i'm not sure why they do it. anyway, whoever controls time, i'm going to say stephen hawking, once again yesterday gave us another hour to sleep on sunday. (applause) that is just-- oh, oh,

. >> >> welcome stephen colbert! ( "late show" theme ) >> stephen: whooo! whooo! whooo! >> stephen: hey! welcome to "the late show"." >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: come on! whooo! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you. that's nice. that's the best kind of mindless mob. thank you for being here. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert, everybody. happy to be with you tonight. i have to tell you, i was a little miffed this afternoon. it's good to be with friends. i'm upset. y'all know i'm a big fan of "lord of the rings." you guys like "lord of the rings"? you guys know this. because i'm a big fan, my ears pricked up-- much as a hobbit's would-- when i heard that scientists in brazil have discovered a new species of spider and named it after a "lord of the rings" character, smeagol. they say they named it smeagol because it's scary looking and lives in caves. okay, that's cute. that's cute. i have two problems with this. one-- smeagol wasn't a scary creature that lived in a cave. smeagol was a kind and friendly hobbit-like creature who liv

and now it's time for the late show with stephen colbert! ers and applause). >> stephen: thank you, thanks, everybody. you know, i like a lot of you i'm sure you feel the same way, sometimes i wish there were more hours in the day. if there were i'm sure i would use them to figure out why the earth's rotation was suddenly slower. but i would also use that time to get really informed about the news. i don't have that time, all the time. so instead, this is stephen colbert's hot takes. first off, a disclaimer, my hot takes are right out of the oven so i can't be responsible for how poorly thought out my opinions are. (laughter) tonight's hot take, beer. (applause). >> stephen: thank you. i love beer. it dates back almost 6,000 years to ancient sumeria where it led to a lot of late night cuneiform tablets reading "you up? ". (laughter) so because i love beer, my blood ran frosty when i heard the news that guinness is changing its iconic recipe after 256 years. yeah. oh, oh, yeah. my hot take? i don't like it. look. you don't change guinness. gui

up next the late show with stephen colbert. >> thanks for watching.ight, family and sleep well. ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ ( band playing intro music ) >> stephen: yeah! wooo! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. how are you? ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. very, very nice. thank you very much.

up next the late show with stephen colbert. >> thanks for watching.good night, family and sleep well. ♪ >> announcer: the following is a paid advertisement for omega xl. >> my name's larry king. a few years ago, i had to have open-heart surgery. when i recovered, i established the larry king cardiac foundation to help people like me avoid heart problems with proper foods, medication, and a healthy lifestyle. well, i recently met ken meares,

>> welcome stephen colbert! ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome to "the late show"! thank you so much, thank you, everybody. thank you, jon. thank you, human. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: wow. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how nice. thank you so much. very nice. thank, everybody. thanks so much. welcome to "the late show." fridays! fridays! feels good. please, thank you very much, everybody. oh, boy. it feels good that this is fridays. welcome to "the late show"! everybody else excited? i'm excited. man. i'm that stephen colbert you've been hearing so much about. it's november, and i don't know what the weather is like in your neck of the woods, but here in new york city, it was 75 degrees today. ( cheers and applause ) and i can't-- nice. i cannot wait for them to put up the rockefeller christmas tree. it is going to look so festive right next to the rockefeller wading pooling. ( appl

and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! eers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey! hey! >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome to the show! >> jon: bang! >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: it's a friday crowd. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thanks everybody. thanks, everybody. thank you, jon. thank you, band, thank you vulfpeck for sitting in with the band tonight. they've got a new album called ben carson. can't wait to check it out. you know, folks, i like talking about the news, i like talking about movie stars and stuff like that, but i've got a shock admission. i like talking about sports, but i'm not particularly athletic. i'm more graceful. ( laughter ) i didn't play a lot of sports when i was younger. in fact, on our first date-- and this is a true story-- my wife asked me if i play any sports. i said, "i play a fair amount of hacky sack." and yet, and yet, she went on a second date with me. ( cheers and applause ) that is a keeper. ( cheers and applause ) ta-ping.

>> welcome stephen colbert, y'all! ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the late show, everybody! (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: yes, thank you! >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you so much. thanks, everybody. (applause). hey, welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert and boy, that chanting just makes me feel like i'm returning from the halls of manda. so-- look it up. look it up. (applause) whooo! hey, welcome to the show. i just want to say, i love you. >> a-w. >> stephen: nonothis might seem sudden. we've only been doing this show for about two months. but here's the thing, i've been trying to say i love you more often starting this morning. i said it to my family before i left the house. and then to my barista. and then to her manager when the rista complained that one e the customers was making her uncomfortable. (laughter

so instead, this is stephen colbert's hot takes. first off, a disclaimer, my hot takes are right out of the oven so i can't be responsible for how poorly thought out my opinions are. (laughter) (applause). >> stephen: thank you. i love beer. it dates back almost 6,000 years to ancient sumeria where it led to a lot of late night cuneiform tablets reading "you up? ". (laughter) ran frosty when i heard the news that guinness is changing its iconic recipe after 256 years. yeah. oh, oh, yeah. my hot take? i don't like it. look. you don't change guinness. guinness changes you. (applause) usually-- usually into someone who wants to spend three hours singing come on, eileen. okay, here's the recipe change they're considering. brace yourself, because starting in 2016, guinness will stop using fish bladders to filter its iconic dark stout. yeah. yeah. yeah. first of all, there's been fish bladder in my beer this whole time? that's disgusting. and second, why are you taking away pie delicious fish bladder? come on. when i'm drinking a guinness,

and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thank you very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: that's nice. thank you so much. ( cheers ) that's entirely pleasant. thank you so much. thanks, everybody. please. folks, how is everybody doing? ( cheers and applause ) me, too. i am also "woo." because we're just two days from thanks and i want to take this time to mention something i'm thankful for-- donald trump. because he gives all of us on tv something to talk about. he's all over the newscasts, he was on "s.n.l.." and if you turn on the tv right now, there's some guy talking about donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) but now trump is getting a lot of heat for something he said about muslim-americans' reaction to the attacks on 9-11. trade center came tumbling down. and i watched in jersey city, new jersey, where thousands and thousands of people were cheering as that building was coming down. >> you know, the police say that didn't happen, and all those rum

the late show with stephen colbert is next.,,,,,,,,,,,, with stephen colbert is nex ou >>> the late show with stephen colbert is next. >> our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30 and i know that both betty and andria would like to wish ,, want to do something special this holiday season? support i have a dream foundation. help a child achieve the dream of a higher education. cbs cares. judge milian: how much money did you make? >> i made 7,000. judge milian: good for you, how? >> yeah, and this is my friend right here. judge milian: the other gambler. >> a lot of people, i'm a giving person. judge milian: you are. how did you make -- how did you make the 7,000, on what? >> on the monkey. judge milian: on the monkey. >> this is the plaintiff, maxine spann. she says she and the defendant have been good friends forever and she is shocked and appalled to be here in court with her, but what's right is right, she loaned her $240. the defendant won't pay her back and she needs the judge to tell the woman she is in the wrong and to pay up, so she is

the lay show with stephen colbert is next. >> happy thanksgiving holiday. >> jon: welcome stephen colbertntro music ) ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! welcome, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome, everybody. that's lovely. thanks, everybody. hey, welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. do you guys ever follow business? do you guys follow business news? you definitely should. because it's where they keep all the money. and today there's really big news this week from the business world. it's news you might actually care about, because it's nothing boring like real estate or the financial system. it's about something important-- it's beer. ( cheers and applause ) international sign for tick- tick. anheiser-busch is trying to buy miller for $104 billion. yeah, yeah, you heard that right. that's billion, with an "illion." $104 billion? that's crazy. you can get a beer at yankee stadium for, like, half that. (

and now it's time for the late show with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you, everybody, thank you, jon. thank you stay human. thank you so much. hey! thanks so much. hey, how are you folks doing tonight? you feeling all right? (cheers and applause). >> stephen: you know what i enjoy? i enjoy having a representative government. you guys like that? we get to have some say on who governs us. and guess what, there are just 361 more shopping days until we get to pick a new president. and right now we are in the thick of debate season. for the next few months they're going to be coming at us fast and fiorinaous. but of all the debates, the most next one is this saturday the democratic candidates will be duking it out right here on only the cbs tv. my entire body is surging with adrenaline and company loyalty. now this is going to be different from the republican debate because the g.o.p. field is so big. hey, guys, that you didn't even notice, i put john kasich in there three times. (laughter) same damn picture. meanwhile

with stephen colbert. >> his guests include ceelo green. >> welcome stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show" everybody, thank you so much! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much for being here. i'm very grateful for your presence. thank you for my book. welcome to "the late show"." thanks so much, everybody. welcome to "the legislator show." 're. i'm your host, a miniature stephen colbert who lives inside your tv. when the tv goes off, i can still see you, just like your x-box. no judgement, except for that wouldone thing you do, grow up. thank you for what i'm going to trust was your sincere applause just a moment ago. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. i appreciate it. i love it. i just want to make sure it's not the mindless cheering of a horde of robots, because it's hard to tell who are the people and who are the robots. that's how fast the robots are progressing. and i fear the eventual enslavement of the human race by the metal men. i know what you're saying: oh, the

the late show with stephen colbert will air immediately a after that big game. first time network late night show will air in the coveted post super bowl time slot. super bowl 50 airs right here on cbs-3 on sunday, february 7th, 2016. >>> of course, immediately after that special digs of stephen colbert stay tune for "eyewitness news" at the 11:00. after that see special addition of the late, late show with james corden we have the the line upright there. >> we have taken up the whole thing. >> yes. >> exactly. >>> still ahead on "eyewitness news" latest restaurant to join the the no tipping movement. >> but first here's what is coming up tonight on cbs-3. >>> here's a look at at the headlines historic change for mummers. the parade will include eventtories from ethnic organizations. mummers have come under fire for lack of sensitivity in recent years. >>> a philadelphia police officer suffered minor injuries after a car dragged him in frankford. investigators say that officer stopped the car that was reported stolen and then that car drag him a half block. that

. >>> stephen colbert is next. >> our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. have a good night. ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, everybody. thank you so much. what energy. enormous amount of energy in the room. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: rising up. welcome, thank you so much. why not? thank you. welcome to "the late show" thank so much foreing here. i'm stephen colbert. thanks for being here. i hope you have a good time here tonight. we enjoy doing this show for you every night. we have a good time on the show. more importantly, in ways you don't get to see, we enjoy making the show every day. and this part of the show that we're doing, the top of the show, we usually write in my office around noon every day. and i understand when your office sits above times square, like mine does, there's going to be noise. as a new yorker, i'm totally capable of drown

good night, family and sleep well. ♪ welcome stephen colbert! playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> whooo! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, t y

. >>> talk about a big gig for stephen colbert. we will tell but the history the talk show hoe will make this year. >> ♪ what do you mean >> get ready for some beiber fever, erika. i know you are in to it. >> oh, yes. >> justin beiber hits the road for his first tour in three years and he is coming to our area. beiber will perform may seventh at boardwalk hall in atlantic city july 15th, ticket for those sales, next friday morning. >> exit home. >> good call. >> don't let him do it. because it works for our patients. here, at cancer treatment centers of america in philadelphia, we give our patients the freedom to make appointments that fit their schedules, even on weekends. because we believe in being here when our patients need us, so they can keep living their busy lives. weekend appointments are now available here. learn more at cancercenter.com/eastern. here's your head lines on cbs-3. mummers are making moves that will make it more inclusive, starting with the new year organizers are welcoming ethnic groups. individual minorit

the late show is with stephen colbert. >> jane fonda his guest. have a good night. >> good night. ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) >> welcome to the "late show"! (cheers and applause) yeah! (cheers and applause) (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you, everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! (cheers and applause) yeah, that's right! thanks, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! i'm stephen colbert. i'm so glad you're here tonight. i feel good. you feel good? >> jon: i feel good. >> stephen: you guys feel good out there? (cheers and applause) it's everybody's favorite time of year. it's late november, the weather's getting crisp, and that can only mean one thing: it's time for "people" magazine's "sexiest man alive" issue. (cheers and applause) my stage manager always has a copy right over there. it's got david beckham on the cover. spoiler alert-- he's sexy. and i get it, he's a. had to be considering the other contenders: idris elba's on the list; chris pratt; the justins: t