see you tomorrow at 4:30 a.m. >> stephen colbert! aptioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: oh, that's nice. ( cheers and applause ) hey!

welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." i'm stephen colbert. i gotta say there's

and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: oh, that's nice. that's very nice. that's very kind of you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. you know, you give me too much, i will try to do a show for you tonight worthy of the double chant. hey, let me ask you a question. have you guys heard of this guy, bernie sanders? ( cheers and applause ) the vermont senator and man who brushes his hair with a balloon is now ahead in both iowa and new hampshire. around this fellow. but a lot of people are now asking, since he seems serious, "will bernie sanders be ready on day one?" well, we shall see. we know he's not gonna be ready for the inaugural ball. because last week, senator sanders admitted he's never owned or worn a tuxedo. and from that, i drew the only possible conclusion: bernie sanders could not get a date to prom. so i challenged you to make bernie's prom dreams come true by photo

>> stephen colbert! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert"! that's nice. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that is crisp. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) that's lovely. thank you so much. in here, out there, all around the world, you guys. welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." thanks so much, everybody. thanks so much. man, that is-- the audience-- you guys are as crisp as a celery stalk tonight, thank you. that's why we keep it so cold in here. to keep you fresh. ( laughter ) welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. and i am so excited about this huge science news that was just announced today. i was talking to these guys about it today. nasa has grown a flower in space. isn't that nice? for the first time finally, there's something beautiful up there. friend of the show scott kelly made the announcement, and here it is. it's a lovely zinnia with 13 petals. never been done before.

and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! >> stephen: thank you, everybody! thanks so much! 11:41. we're still on the air. that's not bad. folks, thank you so much. (applause) i don't mean to brag -- (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you so much. ordinarily i would let you chant my name for an hour and cut it out in post but this is live. i'd like to think of myself as one of television's top catholics. since abc canceled mother theresa, shouldn't have gone up against johnny carson. never forgave her. i haven't had time for my tray traditions, especially confession. i was wondering if i could examine my conscious with you the audience. you wouldn't tell anybody, right? >> audience: no! (laughter) this is stephen colbert's midnight confessions. now, for the record, i'm not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. forgive me, audience, because sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i wish there was an iphone app that would help me forget where my iphone was made. i told all my friends i'm watchin

is next. >> stephen colbert! g sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert"! that's nice. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that is crisp. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) that's lovely. thank you so

and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! eers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thank so much. thanks, everybody. thank you, please. before we get going tonight, i just want to take a minute-- i was talking to these guys about it earlier tonight i want to take a moment to talk about glenn frey. he was one of the original members of the eagles, one of the founders. and i just want to take a moment to thank glenn frey for what he gave me, and here's what he gave me. the song "desperado, "you know the song? ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yeah. ♪ desperado why don't you come to your senses. ♪ we've been out riding fences for so long now. ♪ oh, you're a hard one and that's what my story is about. the first slow canc i ever danced to was to requested desperado." it was the eighth grade dance at our local little club. it's where the boys used to come and the girls kind of come and you would stand on either side of the room and try not to notice each other. i didn't dance with anybody all night long, until the very last

captioning sponsored by cbs show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentles, welcome to the show. if you take even a cursory look at your "resistance to government tyranny bird-a-day" calendar-- thank you for your service, blue jay-- you know we are in week two of the siege of oregon's malheur nature preserve by ammon bundy and his brave band of... i'm gonna say ride attendants at big thunder mountain railroad. ( laughter ) these men are determined to occupy the malheur preserve-- malheur, of course, french for ( laughter ) i think, i think. i don't know. i assume. land is turned over to locals or until "walker, texas ranger" is put back on the air. and when this standoff started, they knew it could go on for a while, but they were lacking a few things needed for a long occupation, which is why they put out a call for "supplies or snacks or anything." and if you want to contribute to the anti-government group, just mail them supplies, and they will try to ignore the fact that it was delivered by a federal

. >> and stephen colbert is ready for the iowa caucuses. >> i have election fever. i think that's what it is. every time i think about the candidates, i get a little queasy. >> stephen colbert says all of the presidential candidates may >> tonight at 11:00, a new years's resolution you may not have expected. an annual spike in divorce filings. every january, mike holfeld change those trends, at 11:00. >> and after the news at 11:00, stay tuned for "the late show with stephen colbert". >> stephen colbert says all the candidates may want to copy bernie sanders' ad. >> that is a blatant attempt to manipulate our emotions. and it worked. senator sanders is looking to mobilize a new generation of voters and nothing says youth vote like a song from 1965. paul simon has a huge catalog of immortal songs. candidate. everyone would love to see governor chris christie put out an ad with "bridge over troubled waters." martin o'malley is not getting a lot of news coverage these days, maybe "the sound of silence" would be fitting. 2%, so probably "homeward bound." and donald trum

i'm stephen colbert. and i am so excited about this huge science news that was just announced today. i was talking to these guys about it today. nasa has grown a flower in space. for the first time finally, there's something beautiful up there. friend of the show scott kelly made the announcement, and here it is. it's a lovely zinnia with 13 petals. never been done before. that's one small step for man, one giant leap back for astronauts with allergies. ( laughter ) one can hear you sneeze, so they can't say "gesundheit." now, this zinnia is also edible, making it the perfect garnish for a bag of microwaved beef paste. this is a really big deal! if you can grow flowers, you can grow food. and once nasa can grow food in space, they'll really save on delivery. ( laughter ) and yet, even this historic milestone was overshadowed this weekend by what i believe is an even greater technological achievement: a washing machine with a brick in it on a trampoline. there it is. feast your eyes. the day has come. we h

>> stephen colbert!tioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, thank you! thank you, everybody! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. that puts a pep in your step. that's pleasant. ( cheers and applause ) thank

welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." i'm stephen colbert. i gotta say there's nothing more heartwarming than the sound of a mindless mob chanting your name. it is an honor to be here before you tonight. i am really excited for tonight's show... one imagines. because all i can really think about is tomorrow's record $1.5 billion powerball drawing. ( cheers and applause ) that's a lot of money. that's a lot of money. now, i know i didn't win over the weekend, but that just means i'm due, okay. last week, when the jackpot was i played and i lost so this time i did what any sane person would do-- the exact same thing again, expecting different results. so-- and this is true, i got my roto ticket right here, all right. smells lucky. and this time tomorrow, you'll be looking at a billionaire-- actually, you'll be looking at a rerun, because i will be in the caribbean snorting lines of ground-up panda off richard branson's ass. i like my odds. i think that's what billionaires do. i'm not entirely sure. i like my odds on this one which experts say--

welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." i'm stephen colbert. and i love you. ( cheers and applause ) as you know-- there's a lot of love in the room tonight. a lot of love in the room. keep your hankies handy. as you know, i take my job as a late night host very seriously. i come out here and have fun, duty to look out for every which reminds me-- carly, he's not right for you. ( laughter ) dump him and finish your m.f.a. it's your dream. vernon, go with the vinyl fencing. wood rots, and you end up prince abakutar, your ninth wife is a deceiver. accuse her before the elders as a sorceress. trust me. and there's some news i need to share with everybody here tonight, becauseientists updated something called the doomsday clock. it's a symbolic clock that gets adjusted every year to reflect how close humanity is to destroying itself, with midnight representing the apocalypse. is the only clock more terrifying than the one that wakes you up every morning. ( laughter )e national press club, atomic scientists revealed that humanity stands at three min

welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert"! thank you very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. ( cheers and applause ) had. >> stephen: thank you so much. that's nice. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please! please, have a seat. thank you so much. thank you so much. boy, i need your energy. i've been-- some of you may have noticed who watch the show, i was sick for about the past week, but i'm on the z-pack right now. i got the neutron bomb of the antibiotics in my body. and it's like i feel like i'm-- my body is a house that was on fire. and the z-pack came in, and they're like the fire department-- they put it out, but there's a lot of water and i'm on the mend, you know. but it's like my body has now been taken over by those guys from serve pro, and they're tearing out the sheetrock inside and the carpeting and saying, "you can't live here for, like, six weeks. you have to move to a hotel." but we'll get through it. thank you for your support. is that clear? >> jon: very clear, uh-huh. >> stephen: i love metaphor

stephen colbert announces his guest lineup.e'll have it on the other cidar. >> kate. >> we are tracking the threat for snow showers as we head into your troy day. this line of snow showers moving in from the west could hit us. i'll tell when you it gets who and what to expect for your friday commute also i'll tell you about a warm up that will take place into next week. stay there. we'll be right back. >> and leonardo dicaprio gets a private meeting with pope francis. we'll tell you why when "eyewitness news" continues. >>> we are getting closer to super bowl 50 and everything is starting to come together. take look at an yeah aerial picture what they're calling super bowl city which is under construction in downtown san francisco. soon it will be packed with nfl fans from everywhere. >>> crews setting up super bowl city are plastering nfl ads on sky scrapers setting stages for concerts and dragging out the metal detectors. the city has activated its emergency operation center wor working with the fbi to measure any potential t

with stephen colbert. his guests, jerry seinfeld, and rand paul. ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) >> welcome stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! yeah! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) hello! ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, everybody. welcome. thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i am stephen colbert. we talk about politics on the show, not a lot, but sometimes. i know the united states has a secret ballot in that tradition, but do you mind if i ask you, if you guys like bernie sanders? ( cheers and applause ) personally, i'm a little worried about senator sanders. he is currently trailing hillary clinton by 17 points. americans have stopped feeling the bern and are now feeling more of a mild chafing sensation. ( laughter ) but i like him. i

up next is stephen colbert. his guests, stephen colbert, josh radnor, and iggy pop. captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> stephen: thank you very much! (cheers and applause) thank you, everybody! (audience chanting stephen) welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thanks, everybody! thanks so much! (cheers and applause) thanks so much for being here, everybody! thank you! thank you very much! i don't know if you're happy to be here or just clapping to keep warm! i'm stephen colbert. and i am a huge fan of science. it's given us the moon landing , the polio vaccine, heated car seats, you know? (applause) mine has six settings on it. i keep it down to two because i like to cook my ass low and slow. (laughter) (applause) by the time i get home at night, it's falling right off the bones. don't even need a fork. a potato, couple of carrots, amazing. bottle of wine, set for the weekend. but every once in a while, science can be a real buzzkill. just ask pluto, which used to be a planet, or cocaine, which us

have a good night. >> stephen colbert! show" theme ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you! thank you! wow! ooo! thank you very much, thank you. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause )

the late so with stephen colbert is neck. >> t >> welcome stephen colbert! ning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! hey! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert"! thank you very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. ( cheers and applause ) had. >> stephen: thyo

>> stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you so much. please! thank you so much! stephen stephen! >> stephen: welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. welcome to cbs' "the late show" with, starring stephen colbert." i am stephen colbert. thank you for watching tonight. it means so much that you decided to spend your last few hours alive with me because as we speak a massive winter storm is bearing down on the east coast and it is threatening full city shutdowns, deadly commutes, and an 80% chance of attack by white walkers. it's coming. everyone is predicting a monster storm-- so hold your loved ones close, because you may need to cut them open and crawl inside for warmth. ( laughter ) if they love you, they'll be fine with it. and there's a terrifying name jonas. so it's going to hit with the reckless intensity of a child star going through puberty. ( laughter ) >> jon: hey, hey. it is. >> stephen: it's super cute at the same time. listen, you still have time