and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! eers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! hey, everybody! whooo! thank you, joseph. >> jon: hey! i know. >> stephen: hey!

and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! whoa! ( cheers and applause ) ? thank you! welcome to "the late show," thank you so much! ( audience chanting stephen ) nice to see you! ( cheers and applause ) ? thanks so much! hey, everybody! hey! that's nice, thank you! welcome to "the late show," everybody. thank you so much. ( applause ) oh, what a lovely crowd. i got to tell you, i'm stephen colbert. i'm happy to tell you that. i want to tell you that. and it is great to be back after a two-week break, and i just want to start out by saying one simple thing, u.s.a. number one! ( cheers and applause ) u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! thank you very much! of mob, mindless. why are we chanting? because america just dominated the 2016 olympics! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! that's right, we killed it. the olympics of course, are a time that the whole world comes together and competes in the spirit of brotherhood and goodwill, so let me be the first

i'm on stephen colbert! >> stephen: we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the late show. good night! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where it is you come from it's gonna turn out fine ? it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from lake ontario,

and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! hey, everybody! whooo! thank you, joseph. >> jon: hey! i know.

i know where there's a spoon. ( laughter ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes matt leblanc. eleanor holmes norton. and joy bryant. and musical guest wyclef jean. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thanks, joseph. thank you very much. thank you, louis. hey, chris! action! action! hey! ( cheers and applause ) good to see you! >> stephen: thanks, everybody! thank you, jon. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. happy friday to all of you in here and out there. are you ready for the weekend? ( cheers and applause ) you really are. these people are soaked with gasoline. thank you for being here. we are all still reading the tea leaves of this week's presidential debate. ( laughter ) and i hope those are tea leaves in there. i've been drinking it. and a lot of people have begun to wonder what trump will do in the likely scenario that he will lose the election, and the unlikely scenario that he admits

i'm stephen colbert. everybody feeling all right? ( cheering ) >> stephen: thank you so much for your energy. we have a trump hangover. we are all still recovering from last night's third and final debate, if there is a god. now, everybody's wondering who won. well, cnn named the winner hours before the debate began. they say it was excedrin, for their tweet, "the possibility of a debate headache is high, be cute. of course, after watching the debate, we know the real winner was: "nyquil-- sweet darkness of sleep, it's your only escape." the polls say clinton won, but trump is no longer accepti polls or really anything else because this is what he said. last night, when chris wallace election results. >> what i'm saying is that, i'll tell you at the time. i'll keep you in suspense. >> stephen: yes, suspense. that's presidential. it reminds me of fdr's first inaugaral -- >> the only thing we have to fear is... stay tuned to find out! ( dramatic music ) >> stephen: yeah! got chills. didn't know. didn't know. spoiler alert. it was nazis.

>>> the late show with stephen colbert is up next. >> have a great weekend! >> good night. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ i have a pen i have an apple ♪ >> stephen: sorry i'm late. i got the apple and i got pen. you started without me? what the hell? i have been running all around midtown manhattan at midnight looking for an apple and a pen. i had to go to a fruit stand and stationery store. what gives. i got them, now use them. don't give me that attitude. nobody will watch this is you're miming pen and fruit. use the apple, trust me ♪ i have a pen, i have fine apple ♪ >> stephen: you specifically said apple, okay. where the the hell am i supposed to get a pineapple in midtown manhattan? all right, i'd like to apologize. it's late. my emotion emotions are frayed s hard on all of us. let's do this thing. let me show you how to do it ♪ i have a pen y have pineapple ♪ pineapple pen ape pen ♪ >> just mime it, just mime it, i-- just mime it. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes samantha bee. abby elliott. abd asa butterfield. featuring jon batis

on "episodes." >> it was tricky. >> stephen: i know the feeling because i played a guy named stephen colbert-- >> you won a lot of awards. >> stephen: we did, we won a anyway... ( laughter ). >> just keep plugging away. >> it's pretty great. it's awesome. >> stephen: is it hollow? you can hide stuff in it? >> it's solid marble. you can work without it. >> stephen: and that's the awards ceremony where you get to drink, right? >> you can get hammered at that one. >> stephen: wow. at the emmys they close the bar down. >> i know. >> stephen: isn't that crazy. and you never won an emmy? >> i've been nominated a couple of times-- a lot of times. too many times s. >> stephen: that's the thing with the emmys, if you do w and go to the bar, and they've closed the damn bar. ( laughter ). >> yeah, they say, "no drinking for you, loser. you've goot to wait." ( laughter ). >> stephen: do people-- people sort of mistook me for my character for many years. people mistake you for the matt leblanc from "episodes"? >> sometimes. mostly joey people mistake me for. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: really? s

>>> "late show with stephen colbert" is next. captioning sponsored by cbs yes, young lady right there. >> did you see that guy at the ryder cup heckle team europe? >> stephen: oh yeah, an american golf fan, david johnson, heckled team europe as they were practicing a difficult putt, so they challenged him to do the putt. they even bet $100 that he couldn't make it. we actually have the footage of it. ( cheering ) >> i got that. ( cheering ) ( applause ) >> that's amazing. what a shot. >> start the show! >> stephen: we will in a second. >> start the show! >> stephen: sir, i've been doing this a long time and i think i know how to... start the show. >> then get to it, already! >> stephen: hey, it's the guy who made the putt, david johnson. look! ( cheers and applause ) hey! david! first of all, congratulations. that's really impressive. but, you know, you don't just start a show, you have to begin with topical, political humor. >> i could do it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, really? jokes about donald trump are a lot harder than maki

>> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight stephen

. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes mary louise parker. pusha t. and musical guest "the record company." featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! welcome to the "late show." ( cheers and applause ) oh! ? ? thanks, everybody! thank you so much! welcome to "the late show"! hey, jon! what's going on? welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm stephen colbert. chanting my name, that's amazing, i just feel like asking all of you to marry me right now. i don't know, there is something in the air. well, only 12 days are left between now and donald trump -- ( cheering ) -- that's such a happy thought. just hold on, snoopy. >> jon: hold on! >> stephen: but here's the deal. donald trump is getting a lot of heat for taking time off from campaigning to open his new trump hotel just a mile from the white house -- which, hopefully, is as close as he gets. ( laughter )

>> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight stephen welcomes bill

i'm stephen colbert. chanting my name, that's amazing, i just feel like asking all of you to marry me right now. i don't know, there is something in the air. well, only 12 days are left between now and donald trump -- ( cheering ) -- that's such a happy thought. just hold on, snoopy. >> jon: hold on! >> stephen: but here's the deal. donald trump is getting a lot of heat for taking time off from campaigning to open his new trump hotel just a mile from the white house -- which, hopefully, is as close as he gets. ( laughter ) i don't know. maybe we could put up one of those invisible fences and a shock collar like you give your doberman. ( laughter ) but yesterday, trump was asked about and had a perfect defense for the ribbon cutting. >> i can't take one hour off to cut a ribbon at one of the great hotels of the world? i mean, i think i'm entitled to it. >> stephen: yes, "i think i'm entitled to it." which is also the motto on the trump family crest. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah. and his pickup line at ba

>> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight stephen welcomes bill guest bob weir, and special appearance by president barack obama. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hi, everybody! i got to throw in a slider! good stay you again! welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so much! oh! good to be here, folks. i'm stephen colbert. good to be back. this election continues to be insane. ever since the tape of donald on out, trump has been fending off attacks like a woman meeting donald trump. ( laughter ) ( applause ) there's the woman who sat next to him on a plane, a "people" magazine reporter, a contestant on "the apprentice," and a former miss arizona, who described trump's behavior backstage at the miss usa pageant. >> he just came strolling right or anything. some girls were topless. other girls were naked. >> stephen: okay, that sounds bad, mr. trump. do you have a response? >> lies, lies. no witne

. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes tiger woods, elijah wood and jorge ramos, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey! thank you, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen : jon batiste, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show"! thank you so much! good to see you! ( piano riff ) hi, everybody! thank you so much! awfully nice. awfully nice. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. everybody feeling all right? >> stephen: thank you so much for your energy. we have a trump hangover. we are all still recovering from last night's third and final debate, if there is a god. now, everybody's wondering who won. well, cnn named the winner hours before the debate began. they say it was excedrin, for a debate headache is high, be prepared with excedrin." cute. of course, after watching the debate, we k

and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! hey! thanks, everybody! woooo! wooo! guess what? thanks, everybody. that's very nice. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. ? i'll be a tree ? ( laughter ) well, i'm going to have wood. i don't know if i'm going to be a tree. well, there's one story everybody's talking about: game one of the world series between the chicago cubs and the cleveland indians. ( cheers and applause ) come on! what excitement, one imagines. because, we tape this show in the afternoon, so i did not actually see the game. but as the host of a topical late night show, i have a moral obligation to recap the game for you, so here it goes. ready? here we go. tonight there was incredible pitching, but obviously, hitting a big part of it. the game was a little slow at one point, but then really picked up when things happened, especially that one thing highlightss, tonight. incredible. looks amazing. highlights. look amazing in slow motion, especially. it

and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! hey, everybody! whooo! thank you, joseph. >> jon: hey! i know.

it seems the magic-- >> it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes chris pratt, scott bakula and frederik featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." hey! what's going on? i'm stephen colbert. thank you so much. thank you, my friend. chris, hey paul, what's going on? hey, jesse. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. how's everybody doing tonight? feeling all right? ( cheers and applause ) wow, that is good to hear because this weekend some jerk new york city. thankfully, no one was killed, and everyone who was injured is out of the hospital. ( cheers and applause ) at this point, can't we assume that any new yorker buying a pressure cooker is up to no good? ( laughter ) no one who lives here cooks. in fact, if you don't have a seamless account, the f.b.i. has some questions for you. ( laughter ) one reason more people weren't hurt

it says "stephen colbert." >> i didn't just make that for this appearance. >> stephen: it's in the hard copy as well. i'm honored to be in that part of your heart. why? >> i think you're an inspiration for young comedians. i'm a big fan. >> stephen: and i am of yours. ( applause ) >> i think many people feel that way and i think you're placed between my phone and praise and as the place in my heart for my cell phone. >> stephen: that's nice. and i love my cell phone. >> stephen: i know. i love my wife very much and occasionally leave the house without her, but i never leave without my phone. ( applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: let's talk about a froblght we're excited about it. you and amazing people are doing a reboot of the starting with "oceans 8", all female. who else? >> sandrsandra bullock, caitlin, rihanna -- ( laughter ) does it sound like i'm just naping people? >> stephen: name the best people you can is the game. >> yeah. >> stephen: they bring their what do you do? >> i'm real scared, man, because when i look at that list of people, i'm, like, i know that skill is going to