>> late show with stephen colbert is next. >> goodnight. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes emma roberts.

hey, stephen, how are you? >> colbert: hello, nation. stay strong. phen: now, just to be clear, you are not the character from my other show. are you? because i really wouldn't want -- >> colbert: absolutely not. i couldn't be more different his favorite sandwich is a b.l.t. i like a t.l.b. and the "b" stands for balls. delicious, put it in your mouth. ( laughter ) >> stephen: good to know. so what's so important that you had break into my show? i was doing a monologue. >> colbert: believe me, i have better things to do out here in the woods. i've been out hunting the most dangerous game. >> stephen: you're hunting humans? with >> colbert: no, grizzly bears, have you forgotten so soon? they are godless killing machines. besides -- humans are out of season. i'm here because america needs me, stephen. plus, i wanted to stop you from making an ass of yourself on network tv with your misguided analysis of trump's budget. >> stephen: oh, you think you can do better? >> colbert: do better? my middle name is do. >> stephen: okay, well, then. the stage is you

you're not stephen, you're not mr. colbert you're stephen colbert.o this as a mimic in the '70s. they always sound like this when they go home, have dinner, have sex with their wives, argue with their girlfriends, do they call it? do they say stuff like, if you're just joining us, we got a goood one going here! >> stephen: hey! it's such a pretty day, let's play, too! >> brockmire taking no chances, just trying to get a rhythm early in the missionary position, oh! and a surprise finger in the (bleep)! and brockmire is in the lead! hoa! ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh! oh! it's a knuckleball! >> i'm going to stop there. i could go on. >> stephen: could go on. ( laughter ) >> stephen: in this clip, i think it's the beginning to have the series. >> yes. >> stephen: your character is having a rough day. >> yes, this is where the show starts. he has a meltdown on the air, as you will see. he has just walked in on his wife in flagrante delicto, except with another man. usually has three or four beers. today he had, like, about a bottl

live from new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. a lot of people are upset with trump because he didn't repeal obamacare. so, today, he kept his campaign promise to repeal the environment. signed an executive order to loosen restrictions on greenhouse gas emissions and essentially "wipe out obama's climate change record." i think he just surrendered florida to the ocean, which explains why when he signed the order, he invited aquaman. you know what i noticed? not a single aquawoman in that picture. so, why is trump doing this? according to head of the e.p.a. and guy who hates the e.p.a. scott pruitt: "it's going to create jobs." yeah, repealing environmental regulations will create all sorts of new jobs: oil refining, fracking, clean water historian. keeper of the last six bees. and, of course, coal mining. in fact, today, the president celebrated the new lack of regulations with coal miners, and his reasoning was as clear as mud. >> my administrati

>> this has been "great moments in women's history." ( applause ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colberttonight, stephen welcomes josh lucas andy daly musical guest green day. and special guest ryan reynolds. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! stephen: hey! hue are you? and to see you! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: chris, paul, matt, mark! come on, man, let's do it! ( applause ) >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: good to see you. you're very kind. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." sit down. ticktock. we've got to go. wooo! my goodness! what a lovely crowd. what a lovely crowd. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm just as excited as you are. i'm your host, stephen colbert. omd we are live right now from the ed sullivan theater. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, we're live. right after donald trump's lldress to congress. now, technically, this was not "state of the union" because i think in this timeline, the confederacy won. ( laughter ) right? i've never seen this movie before but i think that's how this one ends. i'm not sure. we have to get back to the interdimensional portholes as quickly as we can. there was a lot of anticipation tonight. it

i'm stephen colbert.ig, really big night, big night last night for donald trump, or, or whoever knav gave that speec. ( laughter ) because it really seemed like a different donald trump was giving his first address to congress, and it's getty pretty good reviews, pretty good reviews. "the washington post" called it "surprisingly presidential." ( laughter ) always comforting when the president surprises you by seeming plausible. and getting raves for being surprisingly presidential is nothing new. i mean, look at this 1863 review of the gettysburg address. "i like that four score and seven years ago thing. plus, he didn't stop once to mock the disabled." he's known for that. abe is known for that. >> jon: he was known for that, huh? wow? >> stephen: another thing about the speech, it was uncharacteristically optimistic, last night, and a lot of people are praising his shift in tone. yes, he went from "unhinged narcissist" to "hinged narcissist." ( laughter ) ( applause ) a little right there. ( applause )

. >>> and he is stephen colbert 's right-hand man but today jon batiste ditched the city of brotherlyove, and the honor he received and why. >>> we started soggy but now sun has come out and we will repeat that pattern tomorrow in the mid week time frame, soggy again as this system head our way but sound will return, i'll tell you when. >>> a father/son moment unlike anything you have ever seen before. how one dad took discipline to a whole new level. don't miss it later in sports. my hygi...a mouthwash.o try... so i tried crest. it does so much more than give me fresh breath. crest pro-health mouthwash provides all... ...of these benefits to help you get better dental check-ups. go pro with crest mouthwash. checkup? nailed it did you know slow internet can actually hold your business back? say goodbye to slow downloads, slow backups, slow everything. comcast business offers blazing fast and reliable internet that's 10 times faster than slow internet from the phone company. say hello to internet speeds up to 150 mbps. and add phone and tv for only $34.90 more a month. call today. comc

number one, two to beam up. ( cheers and applause ) stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes patrick stewart. chris colfer. and roy wood, jr. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: what's up? hey, chris! what's up, matt? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: thank you very much. thanks so much. welcome to "the late show"." i'm stephen colbert. big, really big night, big night last night for donald trump, or, or whoever knav gave that speec. ( laughter ) because it really seemed like a different donald trump was giving his first address to congress, and it's getty pretty good reviews, pretty good reviews. "the washington post" called it "surprisingly presidential." ( laughter ) always comforting when the president surprises you by seeming plausible. and getting raves for being surprisingly presidential is nothing new. i mean, look at this 1863 review of the gettysburg address. "i like that four score and seven years ago thing. plus, he didn't stop once

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! hey, chris. what's up, paul? hey! thanks, everybody. well, folks, welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. happy friday. you guys ready for the weekend? ( cheers and applause ) i love a friday crowd. i love a friday crowd. they're elect. now, donald trump has good weekends down in mar-a-lago, all the time. ever since he became the most powerful man in the world, we've heard a lot about this guy and his potential conflict of interest overseas. well, there's a new one. this week, we learned that trump may have violated the constitution to trademark massage parlors and escort services in china. ( laughter ). >> jon: whoa, whoa! >> stephen: this is true. and unlike these massages, the trump presidency may not have a happy ending. now-- so i hear. so i hear. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: i don't know about that one. >> stephen: i've always known the constitution is tough on ma

it >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes

captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." ght, stephen welcomes

no one has benefited more than cbs' stephen colbert whose show is now number one.tory on how comics are benefiting from presidential punch lines. >> big news today out of the kremlin. i'm sorry, i misread that. white house. >> reporter: stephen colbert throug millions of viewers beating the leader nbc tonight show. over on cbs. >> the short sharp shock of a trump presidency has sparked a new america fitness craze. >> reporter: another has doubled her viewership. ratings have also reportedly been climbing for two hbo hosts, bill maher and don al liver. >> it's weird. you have been objectively nice to vladimir putin than merle street. >> reporter: a "los angeles times" writer says. >> the shows that are doing well are the ones that are the most political. >> reporter: according to him, jimmy fallon who hasn't been as critical of the president is down 18% in the last year. david letterman often had mr. trump as a guest on his show. >> [ indiscernible china. >> reporter: in an interview he said he would have treated trump differently than fallon. i can only tell you wh

jimmy fallon declined by about 17%. >> is stephen colbert the new king of late night? at's too early to call but he is hiding away. >> america is trance fixed by this new administration. politics is where colbert made his name on comedy central. that is the type of comedy that he specializes in. >> even david letterman who retired in 2015 is weighing in on the late night war. in an interview the with "new york" magazine, letterman commented on the jimmy fallon interview with trump last september. fallon toppled the then candidate's hair. letterman saying quote i don't want to criticize fallon but i can tell you who what i would have done in that situation. would have gone to work on trump, end quote. but fallon reclaiming the late night crown? "the tonight show" host recently debuted a new segment that may be in response to colbert's political focus. >> this is what we call this week in words. >> turmoil. >> chaos. >> here is what president trump had to say. >> fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. >> jimmy falcon is more of an broad entertainer. there is a real dif

this is early for me upon i have a suit on, i was on stephen colbert tonight. l that would look, i walk boa club, "me and ny man stephen colbert need a table." >> stephen: i think i might look cooler being with you. people might not know this, but you're actually want brother of chris rock. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: and does it bother him that you're so young and handsome? >> it does, it does. >> stephen: you're the younger brother, right? >> yes, i can hit a jump shot, i can hit a baseball. it kills him. >> stephen: how many kids. >> charles, tony, andy, jordan. >> stephen: what did dowrks a 10? howfd can do you them. >> are you 11, really? >> i'm 11th of 11. where do you fall in the family? >> i'm fourth. >> stephen: your brother is a comedian, you're a comedian-- >> my baby brother jordan. 24 years old. jordan rock is my favorite comedian. he's on a netflix show called "love." >> stephen: did chris know he's a comedian? >> i think he knows, he knows. >> stephen: are there a lot-- is it a really funny family? >> yes. >> stephen: is being funny a currency? s yes

this is stephen colbert's "midnight confessions!" pplause ) ♪ ( laughter ) >> stephen: standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, wait right there. bill right back. forgive me, audience -- ( organ playing softly ) when people say, "god only gives you as much as you can handle," i wonder if they could handle getting punched in the face. ( laughter ) you know that policy at baskin robbins where you have to show your i.d. to prove it's your birthday to get a free cone? that's because of me. ( laughter ) even though i think it's stupid, i kind of want to try vaping. ( laughter ) mmm, vanilla car exhaust. ( laughter ) that is dumb. ( laughter ) i loved the movie "moonlight," but i was a little disappointed it didn't have any werewolves. just one wouldn't have hurt the plot. ( laughter ) sometimes, i tell people i wish my super-power was invisibility, but i really just wish i could eat pizza all day without getting fat. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) whenever my medicine says t

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: hey! nice to see ya. ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! whoo! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ( audience chanting stephen ) ♪ that's lovely. welcome to the show, everybody! i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) big news today out of the kremlin-- i'm sorry, i mispronounced that. i meant to say the white house. now, here's the deal, y'all -- you know how there's all this smoke around the idea that the trump folks colluded with the russians to influence the election? and the trump people are saying, "nothing to see here, folks"? well, i spy with my little eye, the attorney general of the united states. it turns out, jeff sessions spoke with the russian ambassador twice during trump's campaign, even though, at his confirmation hearing, sessions was asked this by senator al franken about reports of collusion. >> these documents also allegedly stated "there was a continuing exchange of inf

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! stephen: hey! hue are

i'm your host, stephen colbert. hey i have a quick question for you guys if you don't mind me asking: anyone here use the internet ( cheers and applause ) you might want to knock it off because congress has now voted to allow internet providers sell your web-browsing history. >> audience: boo! >> stephen: i rched that reaction. now might be a good time to clear your browser history. just hit that button, or pull the lever? i don't know. i've never used it. i've got nothing to hide. i burned my computer this morning. ( laughter ) so this is what's wrong with washington d.c. here's the deal. i guarantee you there's not a voter of any political stripe anywhere in america who asked for this. no one. no one in america stood up in a town hall and said, "sir, i demand that you let someone else

le griego and kenny >> the late show with stephen colbert is up next.ur next newscast is tomorrow at 4:30. >> they will have all the news, the weather, the traffic, everything to start your day. lit be wednesday. you will be happy. you will love it. it will be beautiful. >> goodnight. captioning sponsored by cbs >> if i live to be 100, i'll never forget the big snowstorm that hit last night. the weather closed in and, well, you might not believe it, but the world almost missed "the late show" with stephen colbert." but thanks to the brave "late show" staff the show went on the air as scheduled so all the good boys and good girls could stay up late and watch the-- oh, no! the salt truck! no! it burns! it

batiste is band leader for late show with stephen colbert right here addition to the muse cat accomplishments he is being honored fo h musical education across the country, including philadelphia's curtis institute of music. goldsonnies a philadelphia native and world renowned saxophoneosernd arrang. >>> of course, you can always watch the late show with stephen colbert with the band leader john batiste every week night on cbs-3 right here after "eyewitness news" at 11:00. >>> love stephen colbert but he is on way too late. >> dvr it all the time. >>> that is "eyewitness news" for noon, i'm jim donovan. >>> i'm jan of us lear thanks for watching. >> "eyewitness news" continues at 5:00. we are always on philly.com. >> young and restless is next, have a great day, stay dry, everyone. >> ♪ dear fellow citizen, i know what it's like to worry about student loan debt. i graduated into it. it was keeping me from doing the things i love, like traveling to see my nephews. but i knew there had to be a way to manage it. citizens bank education refinance loan. call... or visit citizensbank.com/refi to fi

i'm your host stephen colbert. and want you to know that late show intelligence committee will follow our investigation of trump and russia wherever it leads. usually it's to james corden in about an hour. wherever. ( laughter ) for the past week, everyone's been wondering about devin nunes's secrnt source at the white house. nunes has refused to reveal who it was, out of concern that if his source is exposed, he'll have to come up with a new reason to keep canceling russia hearings. well, today, the "failing new york times" revealed that the person who met with nunes was in fact, two people! ( suspenseful music ) ( laughter ) according to the times, the sources were "ezra cohen-watnick, the senior

>> it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes kristen stewart!obrani! and musical guest dawes.

michelle griego an all the news >>> the late show with stephen colbert is next. next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> see you then. captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! toni

we'll be right back. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, with stephen colbert is next.ur next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4-30. >>> first day of spring looks a lot like what we had all winter long. we have rain out there right now. petaluma, novato, napa, vallejo, american canyon, fairfield, vacaville pouring, a little break around san francisco but waves of rain moving through overnight, steady rain done by about 7:00, 8:00 tomorrow morning. >> the late show with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> they'll have all the news you need including traffic to start your day. have a good night! captioning sponsored by cbs >> i prefer brown minimalist. oh, gee. i believe the san francisco earthquake of 1906 was an inside job to promote the gay agenda.

the vet's #1 choice. >>> late show with stephen colbert is next. >> all right.ou have some homework. >> what's that? >> watch basketball and have a great weekend. >> there you go. we can do that. >> i'm going to get an a. >> a plus. >> extra credit, can i barbecue, too? >> definitely. you have to bring leftovers. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert!

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey! theer( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show,," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. these people are incredible. these people are here through an absolutely terrible, terrible day out there. they went through hell to be here tonight,un. i'm so proud of you people. ( cheers and applause ) i wasn't going to do a good show tonight, but i think i might do a good show because these people put some effort into it. i hope everybody is all right. everybody is safe and warm in here, nobody lost anything to frostbite, nothing, you know, important snapped off, like a graham cracker. and everybody at home, too. here in new york, as i said, we got slammed, the biggest snowfall of the season from what the weather channel is calling winter storm steal and i'm calling winter storm crazy balls, okay. because these people waited outside to see the show, and i absolute their crazy balls. ( cheers and ap

. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" t, stephen welcomes: joe scarborough. kate upton. and yvette nicole brown. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: what's up? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ wooo! hey! ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey, hey, hey! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is an exciting day-- exciting day for president trump, because he went on a field trip! to the museum of african american history. he was so worried steve bannon wouldn't sign his permission slip. ( laughter ) he got to go. he got to go. you been down there? >> jon: yeah, i've been down there. >> stephen: haven't been yet. i heard it's incredible, tremendous. now, trump was originally supposed to visit the museum on martin luther king day, but that had to be postponed because of scheduling issues. it's understandable. as dr. king himself so famously said: ( laugh

t's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight fonda and chandraseykhar and musical guest aimee batiste and banned from ed sullivan theater in new york stephen colbert! ( chee ( band playing ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. it feels good to be back on this stage. last week, we were off. we pretended we had new shows on monday, tuesday, and wednesday, but those were actually taped the week before. it was an illusion created by an evil genius so i could drink rum and you could watch march madness. so i hope you enjoyed that. ( applause ) go gamecocks! but what a great time to be away from the show. >> jon: right, so nothing happened. >> stephen: nothing happened while i was gone, right? ( laughter ) oh, there's one thing-- the gop finally launched their obamacare repeal. i believe we have footage of that from last week. >> i'm just a bill... ♪ yes, i'm only a bill ♪ and i'm sitting here on capitol hill ♪ ( gunshot ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh! wow-wee!

. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." arnight, stephen welcomes lisa kudrow.house press secretary, josh earnest. and tony rock. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! hue are

it's the shore with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes anderson cooper, judd apatow and musical guest jidenna, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now live on tape from the ed sullivanat theer in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey! whoo! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: hey, ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting stephen ) hey, thanks, everybody! thank you, mark! ( piano riff ) whoo! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! welcome to "the late show"! thanks so much, everybody! you're very kind. very kind. thank you very much! listen -- ( cheers and applause ) thank you, everybody. lovely. yeah! stay strong, be brave! look folks, i'm not going to lie to you, this is "the late show" and i'm stephen colbert. ( laughter ) last week, i don't know if you were paying attention but donald trump seemed pretty steady. he gave a big boy speech in front of congress-- long pants and everything. i was afraid he'd sold the timeshare in crazytown. well, he's baaack! ( laughter ) ( cheers and appl

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! good to see ya! ( cheers and applause ) have a seat! thank you so much! oh! ladies and gentlemen, welcome! ( cheering ) welcome to the "late show." welcome to the "late show." i'm "la la land"-- i'm sorry, i read that wrong. i'm stephen colbert. ( laughter ) dear lordie. did you guys see that last night? did you watch that? ( cheers and applause ) did you see that last night? that was the craziest ending to the oscars since it turned out helen mirren was kaiser soze. ( laughter ) now, for those of you out there who only watched the first three hours and 29 minutes of the ceremony, spoiler alert: "moonlight" won best picture. okay? ( cheers and applause ) beautiful, right? end of the show. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: beautiful. but here's how warren beatty and faye dunaway announced the category. >> and the academy award... for best picture. >> you're impossible. come on! "la la land." ( cheers and applause ) ( audience reacts ) >> step

>> stephen: you need to calm down. >> no, you do. you're losing it, colbert. take a good look in the mirror! >> stephen: i don't need to because when i look at you, it's like looking in the mirror. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> okay, okay. oh! oh! okay. oh! >> stephen: look, man, i'm sorry. >> i'm sorry, i just came in a little too heated-- god you smell great. >> stephen: i don't know what came over here. let's agree that we can't agree. >> stephen: yeah, there's no need for us to fight. why don't you just go backstage and enjoy the rest of this very topical, up-to-date monologue i'm doing. and maybe afterwards you and i can go out and get some tacos. >> tacos? i love tacos. wait, is it because it's taco tuesday? >> stephen: you tell me, riryan. you can't have tacos on a thursday. >> no, that's against the law. >> stephen: so what day is it ryan? ( cheers and applause ) >> it's tuesday! it's tuesday. >> stephen: right you are, my friend. >> i'm sorry, stephen. >> stephen: don't worry about it. hey, as long as you're here, i'd love-- i'm a huge fan! i'd love to