. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight... fired up! , stephen welcomes robert de niro! and tamara tunie! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: you know what? oh! welcome. welcome here down here, up there, out there, everybody to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] i just love being wih you guys every day because it feels like every day we get news of a another inexplicable chaotic move seemingly bent on undermining everything we as americans hold dear. and today is no different because kfc is moving its corporate headquarters from kentucky to texas. that is finger-lickin' [bleep]. what is going on? what is happening? what's next? jersey mike's becomes maine mickey's? will papa john step down as pizza pope? burger king abdicates his throne to marry a common nugget? because kentucky fried chicken isn't just a name. it's part of kentucky history. it was founded nearly a century ag

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome! welcome one and all in here, out there, all around the world to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] what is this now? how many days? we are now 16 days into donald trump's second term, and day after day, it is exactly what you thought but worse than you could have imagined. the crazy is coming fast and furious. and the furious is coming crazy and fast. he and his tech-bro shock troops are violating so many laws and norms that it's hard to know when something outrageous he says or does is an atrocity or just a shiny distraction. or maybe a shiny atrocity. like yesterday, when trump met with israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu. first, the old buddies spoke to reporters in the oval office, and then they held a joint press conference, where trump said this. >> the u.s. will take over the gaza strip. >> stephen: aahhh! [laughter] [cheers and applause] i'm sorry. i'm sorry, that was just so shocking, it made me put

live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it is stephen colbert. ♪ ♪ stephen says thankerybody. welcome one and all. welcome in here, out there, all around the world. i am your host, stephen colbert. i want to start off tonight -- how is everybody doing? i am feeling a little stress these days and that is why we get together every night. how do we keep our spirits up? we get together with you. we talk things out, have a little fun and to do that, when we can, we like to do a light story at the top of a monologue. you know, just ease in. because things are messed up. you want to know how messed up things are? the lightest story in the news is a plane crash. everyone survived, that's why it's light. and it's a miracle, considering the delta airlines flight from minneapolis to toronto yesterday landed upside down. remember the good ol' days when it was just doors flying off? seeing that plane upside down just feels wrong. it's like running into your teacher at the grocery store and they're upside down and on fire. authorities are still investigating exactly how this happene

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome. thank you, sir. welcome, everybody. thanks, everybody. welcome, ladies and gentlemen, around the world, around the united states and the ed sullivan theater. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. hope everyone is staying toasty warm, because it is bitter cold all over the country, including the deep south. take new orleans, or as locals call it "nawwwleeeoooons." [laughter] that's close, right? that's basically it? yesterday, the big easy turned big freezy and shattered its modern all-time daily snowfall record, receiving 8 inches of snow. laissez les bon temps froze. that snow is going to change the vibe of throwing beads at mardi gras. "show me your layers! take off your mittens!" there was so much snow that on bourbon street, they had a snow ball fight. new orleans hasn't seen that much powder since anyone took a bite from a beignet. speaking of bone-chilling, donald trump. it's his third day in office, and he's al

>> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight... grand theft autocrats! , stephen welcomes drew barrymore! and brandon scott jones! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: there you are. hello! hello! ♪ ♪ welcome. welcome, one and all, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheers and applause] i want to welcome anyone here out there watching and then recently fired federal employees looking to travel for a while. hey, remember when donald trump said he was going to be a dictator only on day one? well, evidently his first act as dictator was declaring that day one never ends. now, i don't want to cause panic. frankly, i don't have the energy. but i will say that it's not the greatest news that the trump justice department has fired the officials who investigated trump. [booing] keep in mind, the january 6 investigation was the largest single investigation in the history of the federal government. if you fire all

and that's why i also spent the last couple of months making this "late show with stephen colbert" mugank you, john. yes. just remember champ, even when things look bad, nothing lasts forever. as your uncle's countryman george harrison once said, "all things must pass." >> john: and as john lennon said, "i am the eggman, they are the eggmen, i am the walrus, goo-goo-g'joob". >> stephen: all of you are poets. >> john: we have a way with words. now, kiddo, even if you're feeling down please remember that you can do anything you want. >> stephen: once you become president. after that, it's a non-stop orgy-of corruption and crime. but, for now, the most important thing is to never forget that we love you. >> john: and also that your lizard was like that before i put him on the radiator. >> stephen: love you, champ. we'll be right back with john oliver! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ skby björn jason lindh ♪ [metal creaking] [camera zooming] ♪ [window slamming] woman: [gasps] [dog barking] ♪ woman: [screams] ♪ [explosion] [explosion] ♪ [lock clicks shut] ♪ i have type 2 diabetes, but i manage it

. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight... king con! , stephen welcomes al roker! and monica lewinsky! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! good to see you. nice of you to stop by. ♪ ♪ welcome. welcome in here, out there, all around the world to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. folks, there's no denying. it is cold out there and it is cold in here. i hope everyone in the audience has remembered to find an audience buddy to cut open and crawl inside for warmth. all over america, temperatures have plunged this week in a phenomenon meteorologists have dubbed "winter." haven't had one of those for a while. how cold is it? well, some parts of the country are expecting wind chills as cold as minus-60 in what's being described as an "arctic blast." that is one of the highest levels of cold. it goes frigid, glacial, arctic blast, and finally "your wife's feet at bedtime. w

. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, fact or fiction? plus, stephen welcomes... will ferrell! and musical guest flo! featuring louis cato and the late show band. if and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! welcome, everybody, thank you very much. welcome, welcome, one and all to the late show. i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheers and applause] let's kick off the proceedings this evening, i want to wish everybody out there a happy lunar new year, which despite my yearly letter writing campaign -- ink you, happy lunar new year. despite my yearly h campaign does not involve anderson and andy getting cranked on the moon. on the chinese zodiac calendar, this is the year of the snake, which, of course, we already knew from the official announcement. >> you knew damn well i was a snake before you took me in! [laughter] >> stephen: he's honest. i will give him that. why would i give him that? traditionally, the year of the snake is a time to reset. it's

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ers and applause] >> stephen: hey! thank you for being here. good to see you. thank you very much. lovely people. please have a seat, my friends. welcome one and all in here, out there, all around the world to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheers and applause] well, ladies and gentlemen. it happened. donald trump is president again. [booing] hey, hey, hey remember what obama said. don't boo, vote! and if possible, do that several months ago. apparently, some of you have some unpleasant feelings about all this, so i have an announcement to make: for the next four years, we get to live by airport rules. calories don't count, and it's perfectly reasonable to have a vodka tonic at 8:00 a.m. [cheers and applause] who knows what time it is where you're gonna land? that's the time you're on. a lot of people have said to me, and i'm sure to some of my writers, "i bet deep down, you're feeling pretty good, because with trump back, the jokes write themselves." so, i just wann

now, live on tape on the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it is stephen colbert. [applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: please have a seat, my friend. welcome to the late show. i'm your host, stephen colbert. folks, there is a huge news. there is huge news on eating dip with your dad's friend. the super bowl matchup is that. eagles vs. the kansas chiefs. eagles versus the chief. travis kelce versus whoever plays travis kelce on the eagles. brad largeman. and his pop star girlfriend tonya velocity. the chiefs will not one but this is more challenging. all of the players have to rush to their game after their day shift at state farm. after philadelphia, this is yesterday afternoon. eagles fan demonstrated dignified horsemanship by filing out of the stadium. they celebrated with close range fireworks, surfed a cop car and climbed a bunch of greased up light poles. it is a sacred billy tradition that goes back to when ben franklin shimmied onto a lubed up liberty bell. it's in color. it has been one week since trump took office and there have already been big surprises. i

. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight... uh-o canada! plus, stephen welcomes lin-manuel miranda! and audra mcdonald! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: isn't that nice? oh, hello! hello! there you go. there you go. hey, everybody. welcome. thank you very much. everybody in here, out there, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] the thing we were worried about happening happened this weekend. an overweight, beady-eyed, ignorant dictator just ruined our future. of course i'm talking about punxsutawney phil. six more weeks of winter? i'm not sure we've got six more weeks. because donald trump is doing so many stupidly bad things so badly stupidly, that it is difficult to keep up. anyone who's ever had a toddler knows this feeling. you leave the room for one second, and when you come back, everything from the bookshelves is on the floor, the walls are covered in ketchup, a

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! and applause] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: come on, now. [cheers and applause] happy got away. hello! hi! thank you, friends! you guys doing okay? please have a seat, my friends. welcome one and all come in here, out there, all around the world, to "the late show," i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheers and applause] these people are excited for super bowl sunday. may too. i love everything about the super bowl, the commercials, the halftime show, the beers, seven-layer dip, the chips to dip in the dip, the wings, and the growing pile of wing bones that make me feel like an ancient king. [laughter] wiping my hands on the dog. on top of all that, during the super bowl, time permitting, there will be a football game. [laughter] this year, the matchup is kansas city chiefs, who are hoping to win a third straight title, versus the philadelphia eagles -- [cheers and applause] yeah, baby. were hoping their mascot doesn't die of bird flu. taylor swift will also be in attendance. [cheers and applause] to

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ers and applause] >> stephen: hey! ♪ ♪ thank you, my friends, out there, down there. welcome. welcome one and all to what we call "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheers] i appreciate your enthusiasm but we have no time to waste. close the dishwasher, put down the baby, grab a seat, and then stand up, because i have shocking news: cbs is working on a new "fbi" spinoff with a cia twist called "fbi: cia." omg! this is the perfect addition to the extended fbi-verse: there's "fbi: international," "fbi", "fbi: most wanted," "fbi: true" and, the sexy, adult spinoff "fbi: bbl: dtf." that of course pg-13. all of those shows are imagineered by cbs television chemists to be the kind of edge-of-your seat procedural thrillers that pop-pop can still follow after the beta blockers kick in. the premise of "fbi: cia"? "a dedicated, strait-laced fbi agent and a street-smart cia agent are part of a new, clandestine taskforce charged with solving and preventing domestic terrorism in and

i'm your host, stephen colbert. applause] these people are excited for super bowl sunday. me, too. i love everything about the super bowl, the commercials, the halftime show, the beers, the seven-layer dip, the chips to dip in the dip, the wings, and the growing pile of wing bones that make me feel like an ancient king. [laughter] wiping my hands on my dog. [laughter] on top of all that, during the super bowl, time permitting, there will be a football game. [laughter] this year the matchup is kansas city chiefs, who are hoping to win a third straight title, versus the philadelphia eagles -- [cheers and applause] yeah, baby. who are hoping their mascot doesn't die of bird flu. [laughter] taylor swift will also be in attendance. [cheers and applause] to support her boyfriend, the chiefs' superstar tight end, "taylor swift's boyfriend." oddsmakers think this is going to be a tight matchup, right? they think it's going to be a tight matchup, so if you are wagering on the super bowl you need to get yourself a system. oka

. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight... tax on, tax off! , stephen welcomes miles teller! w. kamau bell! and former usaid administrator samantha power! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: you can't sneak up on me. hey! thank you, my friends. thank you. welcome. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] i don't know about you. i don't know about you folks but it's been a rough two weeks watching donald trump haphazardly dismantle our government like a champ with a chainsaw. but the end is in sight. because scientists say an asteroid might hit our planet on december 22, 2032. so just hold on a little longer, and might go out in a blaze of glory, like the dinosaurs. and then future little kids could wear pictures of us on their jammies! but if you're one of those americans who doesn't want to be incinerated by a giant space rock, i've got good news for you too. resea

. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, what in the dust? plus, stephen welcomes deion sanders, and musical guest came brown, with a special appearance by john lithgow. featuring louis cato and the late show band. live from the ed sullivan theater, it is stephen colbert. >> stephen: thank you, welcome. welcome one and all in here, out there, all around the world. you are joining us on an historic night, following the incredible afc championship game. afc championship, of course, often called the super bowl of finding out who will be in the super bowl. this is a rare sunday show. so, naturally, i and my staff, this morning, we all went to church together. cbs is a family. a family that occasionally cancels its children, and replaces them with a spinoff of one of their more successful children. but just because tonight's game is over two hours ago, doesn't mean you have to stop gambling. there are plenty of parlays available here at the late show. hot tip: take the over on whether or not i have the greatest audience in the world! [cheers and ap

the blockbuster top gun maverick, says his love for his hometown team knows no bounds, telling stephen colbertladelphia sports fans, yes it is. you just bleed it. you got one for life. and your uncle has it tattooed on his leg. >> the chiefs have their own posse of celeb supporters, among them paul rudd and the fonz himself, henry winkler. how did you become a fan of the kansas city chiefs? >> patrick mahomes invited me and my sons to the game against the chargers. i was invited on the field and this gigantic human being came running across the field with a big smile on his face, and he said, i've got a surprise for you. he handed me the jersey. >> with a winkler on the back and everything. >> i was thrilled, it was thrilling. >> from that moment on, the fonz has gone all in on mahomes and his team. >> i think he plays with such abandon, such improvization. i think he's amazing. >> winkler is confident mahomes will lead his team to victory on sunday. seems like so many people have turned on the chiefs, right? >> patrick and his team always find a way to win. and i think that is extraordinary.

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thanks for watching the late show with stephen colbert is next.rch service at the national cathedral marks the final event of inauguration but unlike most sermons, this was

the late show with stephen colbert is next. the news continues streaming on cbs news bay area.p says the u.s. will take over

the late show with stephen colbert is next. the news continues streaming on cbs news bay area.e u.s. for some national parks services were hit with a cut. about 1,000 national park service employees have been let go. ♪ ♪

"the late show" with stephen colbert is next. >> it's a little cr >> donald trump took the oath of officebillionaires. >> mark zuckerberg, jeff bezos, sundar pichai, and elon musk. >> mark zuckerberg will also be hosting a black-tie party to celebrate along with some high-profile republican donors. >> hey, me and some of my tech

weekend update is credited with paving the way to the daily show and the stephen colbert or the colbert report, among others. all right, well, here's a look at the entire slate for snl 50 events. homecoming concert airs live tonight on peacock at 5:00, and then tomorrow you can catch the re-airing of the very first episode of snl. then sunday, it's the three hour special. it's going to air live on nbc bay area starting at 5 p.m. but you know what? before that, it's going to be a red carpet so you can start the fun early. we all know today is valentine's day. if you didn't know. all right. and you may be feeling a lot of love out there with your partner or looking to make a lasting connection. yes. so listen to this. for bart, timing is critical for making a connection. and tonight it's trying to help singles find a special connection on their train. shall we call it the love train? why not? maybe 200 lucky ticket holders will increase their odds of finding love on a special train leaving from the downtown berkeley station promptly at 710 tonight. bart is holding a speed dating event. it

courtesy of the egg cellent stephen colbert. >> another treasured american. >> institution is having to take drastic measures because due to shortages, waffle house is adding a 50. >> cent per. >> egg surcharge. >> well. >> if there's. >> one. >> thing i know about waffle house customers is that they'll handle the news with grace and aplomb. i'm told we have live footage of a customer learning about the egg surcharge. >> no. >> they still don't know. >> and that's tonight's moment of joy. all in with chris hayes starts now. >> tonight on. >> all in. we will. >> not. >> shut up. >> we will stand up. >> we will speak up. we will rise up. >> protests are up all across the country as. >> the world's richest man continues to dismantle american government. >> given his prominence and his importance, i move. >> that the committee subpoena elon musk. >> to come before it. tonight, new. >> reporting on. >> what elon musk is doing with. federal payment systems. >> and senator chris murphy. >> on his urgent. >> call to fight back. >> we have not months. >> we have not. >> weeks. >> but we. >> h

courtesy of the egg cellent stephen colbert. >> another treasured american. >> institution is having> if there's. >> one. >> thing i know about waffle house customers is that they'll handle the news with grace and aplomb. i'm told we have live footage of a customer learning about the egg surcharge. >> no. >> they still don't know. >> and that's tonight's moment of joy. all in with chris hayes starts now. >> tonight on. >> all in. we will. >> not. >> shut up. >> we will stand up. >> we will speak up. we will rise up. >> protests are up all

i don't think there's anyone who is rooting for donald trump to win the presidency more than stephen colbert and seth meyers. their whole monologue every night is about donald trump. if he was gone right now and kamala said, i don't know what, they would have nothing to say. and they do get personal, but i don't. i wasn't offended by the tom hanks thing. i think that was the funniest segment of the whole night. everyone's got to have some thick skin and let's make some jokes and laugh at ourselves. >> remember that not too long ago, republicans were also saying this about a joke. >> i think. >> that we have to. >> stop getting so. >> offended at every. >> little thing in the united states of america. i'm just. i'm so over it. >> i don't think people should be offended. i think we should all spend less time trying, literally trying to be offended. it imbues the offended with power with victimhood comes power. >> the whole thing is is like a shell game. we're all pretending to be upset that we're being insulted. america's motto should be oh, how could you? >> by the way, just let me just be cl

al was up late last night hanging out with stephen colbert. but it wasn't all laughs and smiles. es, put on a poncho and detail the shrimp myself? they're like toenail clippings, al. would you leave a hoof on a burger? why would you do that? >> shrimp tails or no shrimp tails. >> in that especially. >> you know, there is a little more flavor in the tail. you take your fork and cut it off and, boom, you eat it. >> he's got a big hangup on this. >> he really does. >> he wants those tails off. >> i'm sorry i have fallen to stephen's side here. >> well, because the late show host said he would come here to do the weather, al. "saturday night live." we can't stop talking about sunday's show packed with guests from five decades of snl. >> kind of feels like this whole question and answer thing is just a way for you guys to get some air time to celebrities who aren't in other parts of the show? >> oh, man. really? it doesn't seem that way to me? what do you think reverend al sharpton and ray romano? >> it seems -- it seems very natural to us. >> really? don't be so cynical, seth. we're h