. >> stephen, stephen, steph en! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen stephen! >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation, most of the viewers of the show will know that i don't like to harp on the same things night after night but some things are just too important. for instance, i have said it many times, i am no fan of pope francis. i said it many times i'm no fan of pope francis. see, now i've said, i've said it many times, many

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i'm sorry, i apologize, folks. (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen, i apologize. i didn't mean to get past your chanting am i just thought i could sneak past the castlegates of your love but you stopped me, thank you am folks, if you are one of the millions of americans obsessed with knowing what day it is, then you know that today is cinco de mayo. which this year is landing on the 5th of may. (laughter) now unfortunately, one person is making a cinco demockery of american values. casa minority leader nancy pelosi, in honor of this year's cinco de mayo she released a statement saying quote there is no better way to acknowledge the important contributions to our country of america's latino community than by enacting comprehensive immigration reform. oh, that is ridiculous. we already do so much on cinco de mayo to acknowledge their contributions. we drink not un but dos equis. and many americans are eating taco os today, even though it is not tuesday. (laughter) and f

stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. folks, in here, out there, all around the world, nation, if you are's watching the news you know that we are in the middle of the 2014 midterm primaries. where candidates are fighting for voters' approval so they can go to congress and lose it immediately. (laughter) the first primary elections were this last tuesday and an ohio-indiana and north carolina tea party candidates lost to establishment republicans. folks, it looks like the country club republicans are going to run everything. they certainly do in my country club. (laughter) really nice. but there's one primary the tea party cannot lose. because they're the only ones in it. florida's third district. the fightin third. it pits republican incum ben and off brand chocolate drink ted yoho against fellow republican jake rush who is running on a plart form of traditional marriage, strict constitutionalism, strong national defense and repeal og bamacare. jake rush is everything you could want in a congressman and maybe more than yo

stephen! stephens stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen!. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, folks, thank you so much. that feels fantastic. i mean after after a greeting like that, after a greeting like that i can't reasonably ask for more. but i do. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks -- -- thank you. folks, you watch this show. you know, i have made no secret over the years that i am a huge fan of bill o rielle. he is my mentor, my inspiration, my-- i have read all of his books, killing kennedy, killing kennedy, killing jesus. he is a literary master of the nonsurprise ending. and papa bear is one of the smartest guys out there. but he doesn't have to move other people are dumb, because he hires somebody else to do that. correspondent josse watters was does a rekouring segment watters world named of course after water world, wchb the most successful and critically acclaimed films of all time. in the segment, watt-- watters demonstrates how little young people know about current events and to emphasize that he adds helpful fil

stephen: whooo! whooo! whooo! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much for joining us. nation-- thank you. folks, it's wonderful to have you in here, out there, all around the world. ladies and gentlemen, i have to say right off the bat, i know this is not guess to come to any surprise to all you heroes out there but i've had it up to here with russia. vladimir putin has been out-maskalating barack obama at every turn. it's like obama is playing checkers, and putin is also playing checkers but doing it shirtless while riding a horse. >> russian president vladimir putin was busy playing hockey in sochi. the game reportedly aired on russian television saturday night. president putin supposedly led a team of hocker stars, including former nhl-ers to a 24-1 win. >> he shoots. he scores. spectators saw that often and early from an exhibition hockey game. >> putin dazzled the crowd, was able to score six goals in a single game. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: the other team-- the other team wou

stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, folks. welcome to the report. good to have you with us, everybody. folks, that-- this crowd tonight is as crisp as a new stalk of celery. and this is why i will never phone it into the last drop. (cheers and applause) nation, before i say anything else tonight i would like to say t-mobile. (laughter) t-mobile proud sponsor of that thing i just said. you see, i agreed years ago that every now and then i would do these integrated sponsorships on the report to help pay the production bills and that's what that was. so let's-- (laughter) let's get-- let's get to our number one story which tonight is a number two story. >> doctors believe they've come up with a way to help with constipation. it involves a vibrating pill. doctors in israel are testing a new pill that shakes up your intestinal area and gets things rolling again. >> stephen: yes, a pill that vibe rates your constipation a way. sorry prunes, you just lost your job to a robot. the new pill is cal

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. ( cheers and applause ) folks, if you watch the other news channels-- and i hope you don't-- you know there's only one lead story today and that is the racist comments of l.a. clippers owner and darth vader with his helmet off, donald sterling. ( laughter ) we've all heard what he said, and if you haven't heard, you're a racist. ( laughter ) but just to refresh our outrage, sterling and his wife are suing his ex-mistress to recover $1.8 million sterling gave her. coincidentally, a recording was mysteriously released of sterling lecturing his mistress about her friends. >> it bothers me a lot if you want to broadcast that you're associating with black people. do you have to? why publicize it on the instagram? >> why bring the black peoples to the game? >> how about your whole life, every day. you could do whatever you want. you could sleep with them, you could bring them in, you could do whatever you want. the little i

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) folks-- ladies and gentlemen, if you watch this show-- and i hope you do-- you know that i am america's most prominent catholic. my faith is so strong, doctors have actually called it a messiah complex. ( laughter ) not too shabby. but i'm also america's foremost capitalist. i love the invisible hand of the market so much i let it get to third base, which is why i had problems with pope francis when he called capitalism a new tyranny caused by the idolatry of money. idolatry! i would never worship money. the dollar is not worth the paper it's printed on. that's why i've invested everything in golden calf futures. ( laughter ) as a catholic, i try to give the pope the benefit of the doubt. so does bill o'reilly. >> the far left is distorting his words, trying to co-opt the pope to impose so-called economic justice, which is really sockism, forcefully taking from the haves and giving to the have-notes. i can tell you

. >> stephen, stephen, steph en! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen stephen! >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation, most of the viewers of the show will know that i don't like to harp on the same things night after night but some things are just too important. for instance, i have said it many times, i am no fan of pope francis. i said it many times i'm no fan of pope francis. see, now i've said, i've said it many times, many times. (laughter) ever since he took over at head of the church he's been a little too welcoming to all god's children. just last year he said evenatists can go to heaven. great idea, frank. first dogs, now atheists. what is next, presbyterian, it's madness. the only good thing about atheists getting into they have enis i could say i told you so that is my idea of paradise. well now pope moonbeam over here has driven his welcome wagon where no pope has gone before because at mass on monday its pontiff said if for example tomorrow an expedition of martials came and some of them came to us here, martian

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for being here. i just got to wet the whistle for a second. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: sit down! i just want to give a shoutout to all of our friends in belgium watching right now. ( laughter ) nation, oh, breathe that in. spring is in the air. especially since i fired up my sweet pea and lilac glade plug-in. really makes it feel like sometimes i leave this building. and,sh, spring is the season of love when, shall we sabre the birds and the bees go at it in the sweaty pile of hard-core thorax-breaking. in this time of courtship tongues are wagging about one of america's most sought-after batchelors, rupert murdoch. ladies! ladies! he's breathing! ( laughter ) and you will not believe who rupert's crushin' on now. >> rand paul was seen with media mogul rupert murdoch at the kentucky derby last weekend. >> kentucky republican senator rand paul and media magnet rupert murdoch spent the day together at the kentucky derby. mourdock was paul's special guest. ther

stephen stephen! stephen! stephen stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ( cheers and applause ). folks-- folks, i gotta tell you, i've got to tell you it is not often that an audience loves me so much i can hear it with my deaf ear. ( cheers and applause ). nation, i-- i gotta tell you, folks, i am furious at barack obama. ( laughter ) and i am vice-furious at joe biden. it seems like every day, another federal agency reveals their lack of leadership. case in point-- the bureau of engraving and printing has just produced a portrait of chief justice roberts that in no way captures the elfin twinkle in his eye. ( laughter ) this kind of work, and i'm supposed to spend the money these people print? no thanks. and now it turns out that the department of veterans affairs is lousy at helping veterans or their affairs. ( laughter ). >> stunning new revelations in the scandal rocking the veterans affairs department. >> a cnn investigation found 40 veterans died at the phoenix v.a. while awaiting treatment. >> there

(cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steve, stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report, ever. good to you have with us. thank you so much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks, folks. you know, you know, we are coming up on election season as a newsman, my job to bring you the latest, baseless speculation on who might be running who is thinking about running and who was recently seen running. (laughter) why is he running? is it because he's running? well, on monday one dark horse candidate has officially announced he's running for president, bashar al-assad. >> here he is president bashar assad is announcing his candidacy in the upcoming presidential elections. >> he will run for a third seven year term in june. >> stephen: bashar assad has thrown his hat in the ring. and by hat i mean nerve gas and by ring i mean people. (laughter) and while syria is technically in the middle of a civil war, you know, you know who else won the presidency in the middle of a civil war? lincoln. that is where the similarities e

stephen: whooo! whooo! whooo! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!

captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. nation, i hope you had a good weekend. i know i did. folks, what an incredible and exciting weekend. i done know if you had time to do this, i don't know-- thanks. folks, i don't know if you had time to catch up on your-- this weekend. i hope did you because if you did, folks, if you managed to watch some tv this weekend, i hope you caught up on the nfl draft. because it'sed only place these days you can still see college graduates getting jobs. as always the big story was which player would be the number one pick. or of the last 8 picks of the 7th round. >> in the 2014 nfl draft, the st. louis rams select michael sam defensive end. >> michael sam drafted by the st. louis rams becoming the first openly gay player ever drafted. >> stephen: first openly gay player, important distinction because i think we've all had our questions about the dallas cowboys mascot rowdy. me thinks he dote prot