stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! welcome to the report. thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us. folks,-- (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much for being with us tonight. it's good to have you with us, tonight as all nights, folks as a bit of a clothes horse it's my job to remind you of the annual fashion dos and don'ts. for instance it is now after memorial day so you are allowed to wear white pants. but i don't recommend it because what you're about to hear is going to make you go to code brown jim in. >> today marks the beginning of the atlantic hurricane season. >> the beginning of the atlantic hurricane see. >>> hurricane season. >> yes, hurricane season seems to come earlier and earlier every year because thanks to global warning it never really ends. (laughter) but here's my number one hurricane season safety tip. if you live anywhere on the coast from galveston, texas, to wilmington, north carolina, don't. (laughter) now we've just

stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steve only, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. good to have you with us. please, everybody, first off, everybody at home watching right now, i want to thank everybody in here, out there, all around the world. but if you are just-- if are you just joining our broadcast already in progress, you may be noticing this. (laughter) this will all be explained later. (laughter) for now just enjoy the ride. (laughter) i know i am. but first, folks, it's a great day for america. and i could not be angrier about it. (laughter) i try getting angrier and i couldn't do it because i started getting happy about how angry i was. (laughter) >> and it's all because of major news from our war in afghanistan. first we're still fighting in afghanistan. (laughter) who knew that thing was still going. it's like the "grey's anatomy" of war. (laughter) but this weekend, the conflict grabbed headlines. >> a u.s. soldier captured by the taliban five years ago is free and he's comin

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!

stephen: welcome to the report. welcome. thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, folks. sit down. folks thank you so much. oh, you, my brother, it was gorgeous and yum, " why um. thank you so much for being here tonight. i told you all about the recent surge of violence in iraq and how it caught president obama with his mom jeans down. ( laughter ) but you know what they say-- every brutal terrorist onslaught has a silver lining. in this case it brought back my old pals, the iraq pack, and they are sing the same old tune. >> look, i think we should have found a way to keep an american presence in iraq. >> president bush did exactly the right thing in overthrowing saddam hussein. >> i'm not responsible for iraq today. that's because of what barack obama did. >> general petraeus had the conflict won, thanks to the surge. we had the conflict won. and we had a stable government. >> stephen: john mccain is right-- we had that conflict won in 2009 when we left iraq a peaceful, smoldering democracy.

stephen: whooo! whooo"no. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: whooo! whooo! >> stephen! hen! stephen! stephen. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. in here, out there, all around the world. you know why we're here. we're not here to frost cup cakes. we're not here to pussy foot around. so pull up your panties, ladies and gentlemen. it is time to drive the 18 wheeler of truth down the throats of our enemies. ( laughter ) now, folks for the past week i have been reporting on the alarming spread of the jihadist group isis. they've already swept through large swaths of iraq and syria, but now they have invaded hashtag-istan. jim. >> it's clear in terms of the social media competition among terrorists, this group is winning. >> all around the world supporters of the group are tweeting with the hashtag #alleyesonisi.>> stephen: oh, e on instagram. they have one filter to make all the photos seem like they're from the 1970s, and another filter that makes all their ideas seem like they're from the seventh cent

stephen! stephen! stephen stephen! stephen! stephen stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ( cheers and applause ). folks-- folks, i gotta tell you, i've got to tell you it is not often that an audience loves me so much i can hear it with my deaf ear. ( cheers and applause ). nation, i-- i gotta tell you, folks, i am furious at barack obama. ( laughter ) and i am vice-furious at joe biden. it seems like every day, another federal agency reveals their lack of leadership. case in point-- the bureau of engraving and printing has just produced a portrait of chief justice roberts that in no way captures the elfin twinkle in his eye. ( laughter ) this kind of work, and i'm supposed to spend the money these people print? no thanks. and now it turns out that the department of veterans affairs is lousy at helping veterans or their affairs. ( laughter ). >> stunning new revelations in the scandal rocking the veterans affairs department. >> a cnn investigation found 40 veterans died at the phoenix v.a. while awaiting t

>> stephen, i'm afraid to tell you there's no war. >> stephen: war on coal. no war on coal. >> stephen's a modest first step. a funny faction against coal. like kennedy took a modest step in vietnam. >> he's done common sense things to begin transition to an clean energy future. >> stephen: why not clean coal, it has the word clean in it. >> it could be we will have clean coal but we need a broader portfolio and we have a chance to ship toward cheaper and cleaner natural gas. >> stephen: so you're for fracking, contaminating the bed bedrock with unknown chemicals. >> there is need for regulations -- >> stephen: here we go, regulations. won't regulations and closing the coal plants, won't that cost americans jobs? >> not necessarily. there will be some transition. >> stephen: yeah? there is also a huge potential -- if you look for example what we did in the state of connecticut, where we've begun the transition, ramping up renewable energy, sorely, wind and a variety of -- >> stephen: the sunshines in connecticut? >> the biggest sorely power country in the world is germany, which is les

stephen: yo. >> yo. >> stephen: yo. >> yo. >> stephen: yo. >> yo. >> stephen: yo-yo-yo-yo. >> yo. >> stephen: yo! yo. >> stephen: yo! >> yo. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yo. ♪ yo, yo, yo ( cheers ) >> stephen: yo-yo-yo-yo. woooah, what do you got there? berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little? or you can squirt a lot. ...really changes your water. it changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. squirt some. how can you see yourself in new glasswithout your glasses? at lenscrafters, our unique camera and screen system lets you compare yourself in four different frames at time. making sure all your vision choices are clear. lenscrafters loves eyes it takes place in anhaha, cleveland... i love it babe. i'm not your babe. you weren't saying that this morning, when you're like... mmmmm mmmm mmm alright we're done. break up with lingering food. (ding!) mmmmm mmmm for that just brushed clean feeling... ♪ eat, drink, chew orbit the summer that summers from here on will be compared to. so get out there, and get the best price guaranteed. find it for less and we'll match it and give you $50 toward your

stephen: welcome to the report. thathank you so much for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i'm not surprised-- folks. i join you in your celebration. i know where that good feeling is rooted. because, nation, once again, if you read the papers,un that once again, it is a great day for our country in that it is a terrible day for barack obama. he is facing a firestorm of criticism after trading five high-level taliban fighters for captured bowe bergdahl. it's a scandal some are calling berg-d-ghazi. so far, it's just me, but it's going to catch on. on tuesday, at the g7 summit in poland, the president defended his actions. >> let me just make a very simple point here, and that is regardless of the circumstances, whatever those circumstances may turn out to be, we still get an measure soldier back from captivity. period. >> stephen: you can't argue with that. comma. or can you. question mark. of course, we want to get every american soldier back. because the tv has some questions. >> is he an american hero or a deserter? >> a member

>> stephen: i think they're seeking sex. >> actually, no. >> stephen: no? >> no. >> stephenno. >> no. i think it's a very easy thing that we often want to think that affairs are about sex. fairs are very little about sex and a lot about desire. affairs are... >> stephen: desire for... >> desire for attention, desire to experience a sense of aliveness, vibe si, vitality. >> stephen: in the groinal aerial. >> the groinallary is a very narrow view of where sex takes place. >> stephen: some are wider than others. [cheering and applause] please. go ahead. okay. >> , so you know... >> stephen: so happy people have fairs. >> yes. because sometimes we don't only leave a partner because we want to find somebody else, but sometimes we actually want to find another self. >> stephen: find another self? >> yes. there is something about affairs that allows people to reconnect with lost parts of themselves. >> stephen: oh, so, hon year, i wasn't pushing you away, i was just pulling me towards myself. i wasn't actually cheating on you, i was finding me. that's great line. >> i was doing bot

stephen, have you ever heard of the 14th amendment? >> stephen: i have no. no, i have not. no. i don't think it goes that high. [applause] i don't think it actually goes that high. [laughter] what's the 14th amendment? >> everybody has to be treated equally. >> stephen>> even when it comes to voting. >> stephen: i'll take your word for it. >> duh. >> stephen: okay. we're approaching the anniversary of the 1964 civil rights act. and today in congress this happened. this is several members of congress joining arms singing "we shall overcome." ♪ we shall live in peace we shall live in peace ♪ >> stephen: was it worth all this effort and all this suffering to see tex depression on mitch mcconnell and john boehner's face when they sang that song? >> i don't see how you could laugh at members of congress joining us in singing "we shall overcome." >> stephen: i want to point out to you that mitch mcconnell and john boehner are not singing. they are holding hands and swaying in agony. [laughter] >> they didn't... they just didn't know the words, stephen. >> stephen: the words, jim, go find this footage, because it's in the same thing, go back about 30 second, because the words are on a giant prompter rolling. i [bleeped] you not. they are. i promise you. [c

applause] nice to see you. >> stephen: nice to see you. >> nice to see you, too. >> stephen: thank you for wearing tweed in june. >> seemed like the wrong choice. >> stephenit is ballsy in that i guess you're sweating your balls off right now. you are correct, sir. >> stephen: for the few people in the western hemisphere who may not know it, you're an award-winning actor/"price is righter"/producer, best known for "40-year-old virin" and "clueless." you have a new movie called "they came together." it comes out tomorrow. that sounds like a dirty movie. is there any hardcore action in this? >> surprisingly no. but the title is meant to infer it i'd say. >> stephen: okay. why would you say there is hard core action in it. >> there's a ton of it. it is... >> jon: you go to bonetown? >> you go to bonetown. stay in bonetown for about 80 minutes. >> stephen: that's nice. that's kind of impressive. [laughter] i got a two-part question. what is the movie about, and given our modern overscheduled lives, that leave us so little time to read books or even be with lowferred one, should people be going to movies? [laughter] >> i think that's a very valid question. >>

country is listening, the n.s.a. >> stephen: because that keeps us safe you mean. >> that's what they say. >> stephen: are you a terrorist? >> not that i know of. >> stephenof. >> not that i know of course but we'll see what n.s.a. comes up with when they release these documents. >> you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about. >> >> stephen: okay. good. you lived a life of service to the country. which service you've given to the country, whether in government or in the military, has been more important to you? >> the most important thing that i think i've ever been able to do for our country is serve as marine in vietnam. [cheering and applause] there's no... there niece greater honor than to have been able to be entrusted with the lives of americans when they're at risk. and i'm very proud moif son for having served as marine in iraq, too, by the way. [applause] >> stephen: when you were on a couple times before running for senate and as a senator, you wore your son's combat boots while he was over there. did he get back safe? >> he did. >> stephen: good to hear it. good to hear it. >> also i'm really proud from the time i entered the sena

social circle and cry out i am alive. >> yes. >> stephen: notice me, love me. >> well. >> stephen: why would he need that? >> i don't know, man. >> stephen i honestly. >> stephen: that doesn't make you angry at all? >> i mean-- . >> stephen: look at it! (laughter) >> yeah, i [bleep] hate it, i [bleep] hate it sop much. no, it's like-- it's crazy when you work with someone who, you hired him, he was like i don't know how to be funny, you're funny, i'm not. i go just be honest, play the character an believe what you are are saying you will really funny because what we are writing is really stupid and they'll just believe these stupid things you're saying and sdechlt and then i was like [bleep] this guy is funnier than me in the movie. i saw the first cut of the movie and i was like oh no. totally backfired on me. >> stephen: the first movie you're cops that go back to high school. and the second one are you cops that go back -- >> no one is looking it up right now. >> i just like he's in the corner of my eye like-- . >> stephen: is it true you work for scorsese like 60,000 for wolf of wall street because you really wanted to work with him.

stephen"] >> stephen: tell you what, if you have some time, come out to the compound this weekend. [laughter] we'll set you up with a child bride. >> i've been itching for an invite. i'm so grateful. >> stephenen the movie? >> yeah, i've seen it dozens of times. >> stephen: really? >> i love the movie. i sneak into theaters and watch it. it makes me sad, i cry a lot, but it fills me up and makes me joyful to watch other people cry at something i made. [laughter] >> stephen: can you not afford a ticket to a movie? you really have to sneak in? >> no, i pay. i sneak in and sit in the back row. >> stephen: just wanted to make sure. i know novels don't pay what they used. to >> no, it's okay. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: john green, the fault in our stars. the book and there's a movie. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [ male announcer ] are your party foods a party fail? have o'hare party repair remove them. and install tostitos cantina chips and salsa. guaranteed to bring that south of the border je ne sais quoi to any occasion! tostitos. bring the party. the amazing flavor of kfc freshly prepared tenders. it saddens my heart that some peopl

stephen"] >> stephen: tell you what, if you have some time, come out to the compound this weekend. [laughter] we'll set you up with a child bride. >> i've been itching for an invite. i'm so grateful. >> stephenseen it dozens of times. >> stephen: really? >> i love the movie. i sneak into theaters and watch it. it makes me sad, i cry a lot, but it fills me up and makes me joyful to watch other people cry at something i made. [laughter] >> stephen: can you not afford a ticket to a movie? you really have to sneak in? >> no, i pay. i sneak in and sit in the back row. >> stephen: just wanted to make sure. i know novels don't pay what they used. to >> no, it's okay. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: john green, the fault in our stars. the book and there's a movie. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] ♪ stuck in a contract ? switch to t-mobile we'll pay your early termination fees so you can get the galaxy s 5 for $0 down right now! ♪ steep that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. captioning sponsorey comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central >> it's 11:59 and 5 second this ha

cheering and applause] >> stephen: mcgnaw, mcgnaw, thank you so much for coming back, wasdy. >> my pleasure, stephen. this beaver is eager to do it. yay! [cheering and applause] >> stephen: now previously you've educated kids about the dangers of gluten and celiac disease. >> yep, kids, listen to your friend mcgnaw, don't eat bread, eat wood instead. >> stephen: kids, to be clear, in this example, wood is a metaphor for fruits and vegetables. >> or wood. >> stephen: let's move on. mcgnaw, are you prepared to join mr. squirrel and take on hillary clinton? >> you bet. i've got some questions about her decision to vote for the war in iraq. >> stephen: like? >> like why did she vote for it. >> stephen: okay. but you might want to pepper that with some beaver puns. >> like what? >> stephen: like if she had to do it over, "wood" she "chews" to do it again? huh? [applause] >> i don't know, stephen. that doesn't seem appropriate for the gravity of this subject. i was reading an article in "pro-publica," and i'm troubled by the fact that hillary clinton didn't even read the national intelligence estimate before voting to commit troops to an open-ended conflict in the middle east

stephen: hi. how's it going. wait, no. >> all right. now don't get excited. >> stephen: dammit. she got me. she just seemed so real. >> okay. i can tell you're a little unsettled. don't worry. everything will be fine. >> stephen: that's what she'd like do you believe, but this robot has an agenda. >> i think i already have to worry about how the protect my safety at this time. >> stephen: that's right. equality for robots. where did this android activist get her radical ideas? from her creator. >> i'm a biotechnologist. i'm also very interested in cyberconsciousness and ultimately in human rights for cyber conscious people. >> martin is the inventer of sirius satellite radio, ga jill jill -- gagillionaire entrepreneur and... >> i'm transgender woman. >> she's a woman, and the woman sitting next to her is her wife. uncany. the robot cyst perfectly captured her command of casual accessories. these ladies are the minority masterminds behind program to upload the thought, memories and reliefs of real humans into android bodies. >> their goal is to make a robot conscious. >> it's all happening through their secret organization cawrld the terrorism movement foundation. >> no. >> stephen: sounds a lot like terrorism