stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thanks for joining us, folks. it is the last night of my summer concert series and of course i save the biggest name for last, me. (laughter) >> stephen: later tonight jack white and i are going to present my new hit song, so wake the kids and ask them who jack white is. (laughter) >> stephen: but first, afghanistan. last night the president addressed the nation from the east room of the white house, or as it's been officially renamed,the i killed bin laden room. (laughter) >> stephen: personally i thought it was in poor taste for them to put up the championship banner. (laughter) >> stephen: anyway, you've all heard the headlines. he has ordered a withdrawal from afghanistan which means obama's a coward for leaving. or for not leaving sooner. i forget which. (laughter) >> stephen: but the real shocker, folks, was where he is wasting our blood and treasure next. >> america, it is time to focus on nation

>> stephen colbert. >> stephen: i'm flattered. >> yes. >> stephen: you didn't have to say that. >> whatyou mean? >> stephen: who your musical heros? >> stephen colbert. >> stephen: i'm flattered. >> are you going to edit that in later? >> stephen: be already v. you know me as the legendary band stephen and the colberts. what is your favorite memory? >> probably when somebody told me about it. i was waiting for you to come and i had no idea you had a musical past and you were in a 80s band and that was it. >> stephen: you probably heard the restraining order winning ballad. >> i didn't know you could win a restraining order s. that awarded? staofrpblgts it has be awarded by a court. the even better songs you are not even legally not able to write about a girl. i'm right behind you now charlene waiting, watching oh, so close. i'm right behind you now charlene, you'll never be alone again no. [laughter] but i'm over her. >> seems like it. >> stephen: totally done with her now. >> you would like to work on other strongs about her. >> stephen: i would like to work on a song specifically not

>> hey, college. >> stephen: wilford? >> it's wilford brimley. >> stephen: are you okay? as fried as a churro. had some of that marijuana. it's prescription. it's for my diabetes. diabetes. diabetes. dia-a-betes. you ever say a word so many times it loses all meaning. >> stephen: i have to work tomorrow. >> i won't take any more of your time. what do you think goes up inside a dish washer. i'm thinking about crawling up in there. >> stephen: don't. should i send someone over there? >> not unless they want to see a 76-year-old man eating oatmeal in the buff. the guy in the oatmeal box is look at me. >> stephen: i'm hanging up. >> colbert, wait. >> stephen: yes? >> i love you. >> stephen: thanks. i don't know what to -- what is that noise. >> (bleep). i gotta go. i put a dvd in my toaster oven to rewind it and now the breakfast nook is on fire. where is the extinguisher? put it out with oatmeal. now the oatmeal is on fire. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: kids, listen to your elders, they are a font of wisdom. and elders, lay off the d >> stephen:ç bell come back -- welco

>> i know -- i don't know how to put it into words. >> stephen: okay. >> it's funny. >> stephen: don'ton't know how don't try. >> i don't know how to put it into words. >> stephen: shhh. you are both the recording artist and the record executive? >> si, yes. >> stephen: you have cut out the middle man and can exploit yourself directly. can i take to the record executive? >> you want that hat on right now? okay. what is it like working with jack white? >> incredible. >> stephen: i hear he is a prima donea. what is the most exploitive thing you could ask yourself to do? >> probably something like this. this is exploitative. >> stephen: i'm getting what i need out of it. i want to make sure jack white is getting what he needs. >> that is who is doing this. >> jack white the performer would never do this. >> we know who is wearing the pants in the relationship. >> stephen: you seem to have a lot of integrity. what is that worth to you? >> what is it worth? >> stephen: what is your price for your integrity? >> there's no price. >> stephen: why don't you go for more of that sweet, sweet adve

, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! welcome to the report. oh, nation, nation, i'm sick. (laughter) >> stephen: and i don't just mean the flumageddon that conquered my sinuses. and threatens-- it is now evidently taken over my tongue. no, i'm sick to death about our national debt. we have got to get our financial house in order, folks. but the chicken little democrats are so worried the u.s. will default on its loans. so they want to raise the u.s. debt ceiling. come on! we already raised the debt ceiling under president bush. that's so 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007 and twice in 2008. (cheers and applause) thankfully this week the republicans stood up and said no mas in english. >> house republicans succeeded in blocking the democrat's attempt to raise the debt ceiling. >> stephen: the republicans blocked the debt raising seal so devious that it was actually introduced by republicans. thankfully the republicans like congressman dave camp bravely stood up against themselves. >> this vote, a vote

thank you so much, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good to have you with us. nation, this is one of those rare days that make me proud to be a newsman. to report history as it happens. because i think we will all remember where we were when we found out that this is, in fact, anthony weiner's [bleep]. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i know, it's shocking. he's so thin. naked he must look like a windsock hanging off a parking meter. now he said this wasn't him. but today at an emergency press conference the truth came out, like a-- (laughter) like a dolphin wiggling free of a blanket. jim. >> last friday night i tweeted a photograph of myself that i intended to send as a direct message as part of a joke to a woman in seattle. once i realized i had posted it to twitter i panicked, took it down an said that i had been hacked. >> stephen: he lied! for ten days. and only came clean today when additional photos like this were released. (laughter) >> stephen: i mean th

>> stephen: that's kind of philosophical?hat's like asking what is the sound of one hand clapping while the other hand takes corporate contributions. [laughter] how long before we get our answer because the clock is ticking? >> they have 60 days so end of june, beginning of july. >> stephen: that would be perfect for my bus tour. [laughter] trevor potter, thank you so much. attorney trevor potter. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back. [cheers and applause] welcome back, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks, i'm sure many of you are surprised we're back at all.ç if you remember christian preacher and california raisin harold camping predicted that on may 21st, the world would end and all human life would be destroyed, except for the holy, who would be raptured to heaven. but apparently, earth refused to explode before it could see "the hangover: part 2." [laughter] like many of you, i made my preparations -- turned off the oven, gave up on beard hygiene, and bid farewell to my hell-bound neigh

you can do anything. >> stephen: i could be motivated. >> stephen: you could be motivated?i could be motivated. >> stephen: i can't believe i'm doing this but i'm going to throw down the glove right now. will you thumb wrestle me? >> yes. (laughter). (cheers and applause) >> all right, oh, yeah. now, you understand i'm a fighter. i'm a real fighter. >> stephen: oh, you understand i have eight brothers. (laughter) all right? all right? one, two, three four... >> what are you doing? you're already, what, no? look how long that thumb is! 6- >> two rounds? three rounds. >> stephen: oh! okay, one, two, three, four, i declare a thumb war. all right, go. (laughter) yes! (cheers and applause) i beat world champion sugar ray leonard! the book is "the big fight." get it! we'll be right back.

>> stephen: okay. good luck with reelection. >> thank you. >> stephen: what's it like to live in the 10th district? >> terrific. >> stephen: do you live in the 10th district, sir? >> no, my front yard is in the district, but not my home. >> stephen: i just asked you what it's like to live in the 10th district and you said it's great, but you don't even live there. >> i do remember the area, i just don't live in it. >> stephen: so how long have you lived in the third district? >> 36 years. >> stephen: the 10th is a nice place to represent but you wouldn't want to live there. that's what you're saying. >> no. >> stephen: you and your rich buddies in the 3rd clearly look down on the 10th. >> no. >> stephen: [in english accent" i don't mind representing them, but i won't want to live. there bradley, bring me more caviar. >> actually, the 3rd is not a wealthy district? >> why do you live there? >> just happens that the district line is... >> stephen: on another subject, you opposed proposition 8, correct? >

stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: wow, thank you. thank you very much. welcome to the report, thank you very much. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. it was a battle for dominant there. there was someone going stephen, stephen, and then stephen, stephen over here and one person chanting stool! (cheers and applause) it's a beautiful word it just slips off the tongue. sit down. sit down. sit down, you're embarrassing yourself. lady-- ladies and gentlemen, i apologise and i will not explain. nation, nation, i never thought i would say this but i have had it up to here with anthony weiner's penis. (laughter) >> stephen: and yes, i regret putting my hand there. but this weekend more photos of the congressman were released. it's a series of self-portraits taken in the congressional gym locker room showing weiner posing while holding his-- let's say barbells. now i'm not happy about it. but any time a new weiner photo comes out as a television host i'm constitutionally obliged to show them to you. i took an oath. well, folks, all that ends tonight

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: bell come to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. you know with that pulsing rhythm of your chant, you just make me want to ballroom dance. folks, as you know i'm a huge fan of the basketball. it's the orange one, right, the big-- (laughter) >> stephen: tonight, of course, it was game five of the nba finals. i haven't seen it yet because this show tapes before the big game but let me be the first to say, wow. (laughter) can you believe all that dribbling? they just never stop doing that. what a rousing basketball-filled contest. (laughter) >> stephen: but first i want to address some other big nba news that happened just last week. jim? >> after 19 years i'm announcing my retirement from professional basketball. >> stephen: incidentally, since he made that announcement shaq's free throw percentage has actually gone up. (laughter) >> stephen: shaq has had an incredible career. fifth highest scorer in nba history, four championship ring

(crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you! thank you so much. i had no idea that you guys could read cue cards. (laughter) welcome to the "report," good to have you with us, and thank you all for watching our last show before the earth swallows new york and drags it to hell. (laughter) because on friday the state legislature legalized gay marriage. now, i am not surprised governor cuomo signed the bill. it's all part of the cuomo sexual agenda. (laughter) but a new law goes into effect july 24 and mayor bloomberg has already started a new economic campaign called "n.y.c. i do" to make the city more gay marriage friendly starting with some slight changes to the statue of liberty. (laughter) folks, i am not happy for gays that this law passed. i'm very sad. or heterosexual. (laughter) because this law is already destroying traditional marriage. anything goes now. bigamy, polygamy, trig no, ma'am tri. (laughter) the ancient greeks invented it, it's got to be gay. (laughter) folks... and i'll tell you, it can't come as a surprise, bill o'reilly trie

expedia. >> stephen: welcome back. folks, weinergait may have come to a conclusion by my nightmare is just beginning. you see last week i told you that like weiner my twitter feed was hacked. because several provocative photos were posted on it with a message, i cannot say with certitude that this is not part of my body. here is one such image. well, folks, in light of congressman weiner's admission that this is actually him, i have to confess, this is actually part of me. now this is, folks this is a private matter between me and my doctor because if that is part of my body i obviously need help. didn't really worry me until it started growing teeth. i will now refuse to take any of your questions. nation, we all know the government wants to ram their health food agenda down our throats. which isn't easy to do since most of those throats are blocked by toaster strudels. well, folks, check out the obama administration's latest attack on our bellies. >> the u.s. government is making some new moves to get us to eat a lit

stephen: which ones do you hate?> i like the dutch because my husband is dutch. he inspired the road trip. >> stephen: he was not an american citizen and became an american citizen. >> we had kids and he felt like he had to belong because they can take your green card away. he thought after we had kids he had to protect the kids to make sure they had the same rights. i like the dutch, yeah. >> stephen: when he became an american citizen, did he have to stop smoking pot? >> no, actually. >> stephen: dutch people are always high. it's legal there. >> it's legal in california and we're bycoastal so it works. >> stephen: good to know. that's an excellent advertisement for your mom. will you please ask your mom to take her boot off the neck off the democrats in congress so they can talk to me on my series? >> i could be ball. how much money does your superpac have. >> stephen: does she watch the show? >> she's watching right now. are you scared? does that make you scared? >> stephen: nancy, call off the dogs! all right. [

[cheers and applause] [crowd channeling stephen] --] crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. please sit down. [cheers and applause] i know you are excited. the holidays are coming up. folks, monday is july fourth, named for our four fathers: george. benjamin, thomas, and ringo. [laughter] i always check my calendar to find out what day it falls on, and this year, it's on july 4th. wow, feels like it's getting earlier and earlier every year. there are so many great traditions. of course, every year, i take the kids out and we cut down an american flagpole. take it home, put it up, and decorate it with flags. [laughter] not everyone loves america like i do. i'm sad to say. so unfortunately it's time once again for 4th of july under attack! [cheers and applause] little known factoid: they're called roman candles because jesus stole them from pontius pilate. [laughter] no surprise, our patriotic traditions are under attack from the usual lefty pinko nanny state: texas. [laughter] for more we go to ktrk, houston's news leader. >> tomball is the latest on