") >> stephen: that's nice. that is really nice. folks... (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i guarantee you/guran-damn-tee you crowds do not chant like that for drew barrymore. (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us, everybody. please, heroes, folks, barack obama is spinning his lies again. first it was whoppers like "i love america" and "i'm the president." (laughter) now he is spinning giving americans health care into something positive. >> health care reform-- also known as obamacare. by the way, you know what? let me tell you, i have no problem with folks saying obama cares. i do care. >> stephen: nice try, mr. president. (laughter) folks, you can see the game he's playing here. he broke up the word obamacare into obama and care. that's not where that word came from the etymology of obamacare is actually oh, be bam! a car! eee! (applause) check your dictionary, it's in there. this indicates that the program is like a buick that hits you in the crosswalk and then drags you

thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tell you, what, folks, i'll tell you what, folkes, i had not planned on this, but since you just cheered my name, let's do a good show. ( laughter ) ( applause ) nation, i know in shaky financial times, people look to me for guidance. ( laughter ) they look at me for pleasure, but to me for guidance. so i just want to start tonight by reassuring investors and calming the markets. for starters, everybody close your eyes, take a deep breath, and just pretend there is no place called greece. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we're all going to die! second, i want to address those of you who are concerned because swiss financial giant ubs reported yesterday that they lost over $2 billion from rogue trades. now, while that may sound like a lot, keep in mind it's a fraction of the $17 billion they lost through authorized trades ( laughter ) so things are looking up. okay, they're pulling it out of their ( bleep ). most importantly, ubs stated, "no client money wa

me likey. >> okay, stephen.ave fulfilled my contractual obligations ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you, kevin kline. thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) now, then, how much money would you give me, billionary number one? >> i'm not going to give you any money. i already donated $20 to see my name in the crawl. ip. fosters. that's australian for funny. >> stephen: great, billionaire number two. >> stephen, i can't give you any money route now, but i can give you a car! >> stephen: i doment want a car. >> i'll take a car. >> stephen: i just gave you stacks of cash. you're a movie star. you have lots of money. >> i raked in quite a tidy sum with all those "sophie choice" action figures. >> stephen: yes, they were part of mcdonald's tragic meals ( laughter ) >> wasn't my idea. >> stephen: speaking of tragedy, billionaire number three, i hesitate to even ask. i'll give you a lot of money. >> stephen: we have a winner! ( cheers and applause ) >> anonymous billionaire number three, come on down! >> wait, wait,

thank you for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i got to tell you-- folks, i got it el it you, after a greeting like that i got to tell you, i don't need to smoke pot, you're a natural high. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, tonight the republican candidates had their second presidential debate in less than a week. and i was excited as a kid in a candy store who spent three hours in that same candy store last wednesday. (laughter) of course tonight's debate is being cohosted by cnn and the tea party express. so you know it won't be more of the same, same old same old. now we taped the show before the tea party face-off. so let me give you a preview of my analysis tomorrow. oh god so, much blood, where did that tiger come from? (laughter) but folks, the real, the real game changer came before the debate, when former candidate tim pawlenty stopped by to borrow a cup of air time from the fox & friends. >> there's one candidate in this race who is unmatched in his skil

) >> stephen. >> stephen: what?do you need a best friend. ( cheers and applause ) i have a new syndicated talk show every wednesday,. >> stephen: too soon, anderson. too soon. you can not see that i am hurting! >> i-- i can heal your hurt. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: we'll be right back. lawye ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, the national oceanic and atmospheric administration recently confirmed this has been the worst year for disasters in u.s. history. from the tornadoes in missouri to the hurricane irene, to newt gingrich's presidential campaign-- luckily his staff evacuated months ago ( laughter ) so it has been a bit of a busy year for fema. now, folks, you know i've never been a fan of federal emergency management. who is the government to tell me my house has become uninhabitable. the raccoons have settled in just fine ( laughter ) but fema has finally done something right. jim. >> time fema revealed they partially gauge

, stephen, stephen! every night. >> (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: we do norkts i promise, you, we don't have time. >> and i did not have anybody yelling before i go on the news. >> stephen: we can fix this. you want these people over at your studio? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: diane, diane, diane! diane, diane, diane! sounds nice, doesn't it? you are in the wrong business. >> really, really. i was going to say. >> stephen: now the special is called in her own words. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: but these tapes are from the 1960s. were women allowed to have their own words back then. i thought their husband kos have them committed if they used their own words. what is unusual about what we're hearing from the first lady here. >> well, first of all, you should know it is four months after the assassination. and she wills herself to sit down and talk about the years that are still painful for her to remember. but, you see this woman who is so different from the woman behind

>> stephen?e've got another 30 minutes to do. >> stephen: can't we just make this the half-hour rerun? >> later. first we have the make the full hour and then cut it down. >> stephen: whatever. someone needs to get their [bleeped] in a pile. i'm stuck out here for another half hour with my [bleeped] in my hand? i have no idea what to do. speaking of not knowing what to do, global warming. now, radionation, i know global warming is real, folks. i have believed that ever since the box office success of al gore's movie. the market has spoken. the same reason i believe there are transformers on the moon. i'm not one of those cooks who thinks that transformers lunar landing was fake on a sound stage. and the evidence for global warming is mounting. the european commission reported this week that since 1990 global emissions of carbon dioxide jumped 40% with margin of error of plus or minus all polar bears, and the united states emits more co2 per capita than the european union and china combined. just

>> of course. >> stephen: okay.rick perry endorsed you in 1988. >> yeah. >> stephen: will you return the favor? (laughter) right now and endorse rick perry. >> well, it would hurt him a lot. (laughter) >> stephen: is that an endorsement. >> no, it's not. >> stephen: so because an endorsement would hurt him and you won't endorse him isn't that in itself an endorsement? >> um... you could put it that way. >> stephen: i just did. >> yes! he was a democrat back then. i don't know what happened. >> stephen: weren't we all. (laughter) i've got a little follow-up, rick perry question for you. rick perry said in one of the recent debates, he said of global warming, he said "back in the 17th century, only galileo said earth revolved around the sun, everybody else said the sun resolved around the earth." whose side are you on? galileo or global warming? (laughter) because rick perry says you can't have both. the science isn't in yet, is it? >> well, it is in and.... >> stephen: i haven't seen it. >> stephen, the earth does go

and it's doctor. >> stephen: it dres? >> yes. >> stephen: okay. frank... (laughter) i want the best for my super pack. you worked with huge people: newt gingrich, microsoft, mcdonald's. if ♪ i'm loving it... is that you? >> no. >> stephen: can i get that guy? i thought you were that guy. >> no. >> stephen: okay. (laughter and applause) your slogan is "it's not what you say, it's a what they hear." >> the key process in communication is to listen to your audience carefully and actually hear what they're saying and understand the hopes and fears behind.... >> stephen: i'm sorry. i didn't catch some of that. can you repeat it? i apologize. you have to do what with your audience? (laughter) >> listen. >> stephen: listen. okay. listen. >> focus. focus. now look them straight in the eye. not with a big eye, i mean like... there you go, that's better. don't squint because that looks like you're being dishonest and don't breathe heavy because.... >> stephen: man, i'm doing my best here, you're jacking me all over the place. >> the idea is to challenge you but not

thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephenheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you so much. i'm going to say i had to all of nerddom that may be watching tonight. nation, i got to tell you, that applause really brings me such, such comfort. because i got to tell you, i'm blue. (laughter) maybe it's end of summer. i don't know. but i'm not the only one with the case of the blahs. america's going through a pretty rough time. we have a dysfunctional government, a frail economy, and our only remaining manufacturing plant is the cheesecake factory. (laughter) and most humiliating of all we're falling behind russia in inspirational leadership. just take a lack at these pictures on the front page of russia's leading newspaper, "the new york times". (laughter) yeah, right over here, here is prime minister vladimir putin rocking a wet suit and carrying ancient greek artifacts he personally discovered right next to president medvedev's holding a huge gun. or it cou

, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. please, please sit down. though i am loathe to stop anyone who is about to tell me a story of how great i am (laughter) nation, i hope you're watching this tv mounted on the jog stroller because you should be running for your lives. (laughter) as we speak a defunct satellite is hurtling toward the earth where it will destroy everything in its path. let's just pray it lands somewhere it can't do any damage like detroit. (laughter) this death machine, this death machine in question is nasa's 20-year-old upper atmosphere research satellite or ursrs as in you ares all going to die. now folks, folks, while you're running for your lives, i don't want you to panic. because the boys at nasa have pinpointed the precise time the impact will occur. jim? >> experts at vandenberg air force base and nasa say the satellite will reenter the atmosphere

>> no. >> stephen: no?ecause i did a christmas album a couple of years back, yeah, i won a grammy. you guys got any grammys? >> i think we have, haven't we? >> yep. >> stephen: how many have you got? how many? >> we won the best packaging. that is one of the top ones right there. [ applause ] >> stephen: tonight, can i pick a bone with you guys for a moment? do you mind? okay. why, british,? i ask because don't get me wrong, i think, listen, there are some great bands from across the pond, but, you know, americans could be rocking, you are taking american rock jobs. i mean, is the british invasion a good thing for america? why do we like you? >> we don't know. we don't have a clue. >> stephen: no clue? do you look to any of the earlier invaders for leadership, like the stones or the beatles or anything like that. >> oh, yeah. we are still waiting for, you know, the greeting when we get off the airplane with the crowds and (bleep). >> stephen: well, perhaps if you were, you know, loveable mop tops in, you kn

(laughter) >> stephen: nation-- (laughter) >> stephen: i shared a few things. (laughter) nation, this is a very big week for republican presidential candidates. tonight there is the debate in iowa that will feature all the major players andtism pawlenty. (laughter) >> stephen: then saturday, of course, is the straw poll in ames, a crucial test to see if candidates can get midwesterners to put down a food plate long enough to mark a ballot but the big news today came from the iowa state fair in des moines where in an attempt to peel to more voters ron paul had himself batter dipped and deep fat fried. that was good. more chipotle sauce. meanwhile, mitt romney was at the state fair in his every man dungarees when he was ambushed by liberal activists with a gotcha question about social security. and with his answer, romney proved he didn't just dress like the average joe, he understands the average joe. >> we have to make sure that the promises we make in social security, medicaid and medicare are promises we can keep. and there are various ways of doing that. one

laughter laugh >> stephen: right. because you have medical training. >> yeah, i have like a lot of training. [laughter] >> stephen: i kind of need to know if you actually have training because i'm responsible for these people. >> yeah, i'm sure you are. >> stephen: i'm serious. do you... be straight with me. do you even know c.primep. r.? >> i don't listen to classic rock. >> stephen: but you will be standing by to offer first aid. >> yeah, until radiohead comes on. then i'm totally going to lose my [bleeped]. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: okay. thank you. thank you very much. okay. clearly i'm going to need to... >> this opening act sucks. bring on radiohead, man! [cheering and applause] >> stephen: so clearly, clearly radiohead wants nothing to do with corporations. i just wish the u.s. government regulators felt the same way. jim? >> the first thing i'm going to do on day one is issue an executive order saying all the regulations put in place by barack obama's administration are put on hold an we're getting r

>> stephen: yeah, those guys will do it. >> they won't. >> stephen: if they can make any money, they will do it. that's the free market. the postal service is a quasi socialist system that does not use the free market to gough earn whether a stamp is only 45 cents if it goes to alaska. >> lest talk about what the postal service really is. it's always been a government agency, but it has to operate on a corporate model. so it has to do a delicate balancing act. it can't be too competitive with ups and fementdex. >> stephen: that's my problem with the post office. it's not competitive in the real world. >> well, it's not allowed to be competitive. >> stephen: did you not hear that. [knocking] that means i won. >> it's not allowed to be competitive. there are certain constraints that tell it that it can't compete with ups or fedex in certain areas. >> stephen: here's where i think the real problem is. the post office is a public-private hybrid. it's controlled by congress but receives no taxpayer money. >> exactly. >> stephen: they should... they should flip that. that's a terrible busi

>> stephen: how are you? i have to say.arlier when a first met you when you were down here practicing with the band, it is relaxing just to look at you. i think i'm getting a context beard. >> very good. >> stephen: you won the oscar for crazy heart. >> yes. >> stephen: was that your first oscar? >> it was. >> stephen: what does it feel like to win an oscar. compare it to winning a grammy let's say. >> dream like. you are in the front row so you have no idea of where the hell youym are. i had some kind of notes figured out that i might say, i might win. all of that was gone. i felt my parents soaring in the room. hello. oh, my god! you know, it's wild i'll say. >> stephen: you won that part, you won that oscar for playing the part of this grizzled, gravelly, bearded musician. >> yeah. [laughter] >> stephen: you know that wasn't a documentary, right? are you kind of playing that part now? >> no, no. i learned that mistake a long time ago, early in my career. when you are playing a drunk guy, you don't get drunk. you don't do

(laughter) >> stephen: okay. so the evacuation zone-- (applause) >> stephen: the evacuation zone is this area. (laughter) right here. if you are one of the 6 billion thrill seek ares in the impact zone, you will want to flee to the safety of either antarctica or the norwegian island of svalbarg,. and folks don't worry, because you have plenty of time to get there because in addition to providing a 28 hour impact window across 118 million square mile danger zone, nasa is providing a 20 minute warning before the satellite strikes. (laughter) more than enough time to make it to antarctica provided that you are an emerer penguin. now if for some reason you are unwilling or unable to evacuate the habitable zone of the earth and the satellite crashes near you, nasa warns do not touch it. (laughter) which of course means, you're going to want to touch it. (laughter) i mean just think about it, folks. it's been bombarded with space rays for 20 years. obviously it will give you superpowers. (laughter) you could become the

well, john, john, this is stephen colbert. >> oh, hi, stephen. >> stephen: john, i didn't know you weret. i'm calling for the nordic lesbians. >> stephen: i didn't know you were into that. >> i am not "into that." i'm simply doing character research. >> stephen: for what? >> for a... a... an ibsen play. it's a modern erotic interpretation of hedda gabler, a college freshman who with her university sisters at the university of oslo is pushing the boundaries of human sexual depravity. >> >> stephen: oh, really? and what part do you play? >> i don't care. >> stephen: i'm sorry, john. this is oops jew. you're going to want the push five for nors lez. >> good-bye. >> stephen: john thgow, everybody. so chosen people who have wronged me, the kneidelach is in your court. call in and ensure yourself a guilt free 5772, we'll be right back. >> stephen: welcome ban, everybody. my guest tonight has a new three-part documentary about prohibition. instead of interviewing him, we will pan slowly across his face while i play a mournful flute. please welcome ken burns. [cheering and applause] thank you v

thank you so much for joining me. >> pleasure. >> stephen: >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. nation, all week wall street has been under siege by a protest called "occupy wall street," a self-described leaderless resistance movement which intends to occupy wall street for months. because if there's one thing new yorkers never ignore, it's people sleeping in a park. the protest started on the web site ad busters, which declares "once there we shall incessantly repeat our one simple demand until barack obama capitulates." and what is their one simple demand? well, in a blog post entitled "hey, president obama, get ready for our one demand," they state, "we will beat our drums, chant our slogans and then we'll get down to business and hold several people's assemblies to decide what our one demand will be." i predict the people's assembly will demand the hacky sack belong to everyone in the hemp fiber universe. so today i sent a camera crew to film the fabulous furry freak show and find out just what these moon units are demanding through their clouds of bong sm

(crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much.lcome to the "report." thank you for joining us. i just want to answer a question that i get so often from kids out there.çó how far isñr too far, stephen? (laughter) obviouslyhe answer is four on theñr floor. (applause) however you want to work that out... (cheers and applause) do the math. do the math. (laughter) folks, i don't know about you but i am still coming down from last night's hour-long radio head special sponsored by dr. pepper. i was so moved by radiod he's sensitive indy rock i was up all night binge hoping. although i was surprised to see so much tom york changeded his look since he was on "american idol." (laughter) tonight we have an equally world-changing guest philanthropist melinda gates. the bill gates foundation is dedicated to eradicating malaria and polio throughout the third world and she is here thanks to her sponsoringÑi beverage-- potable water. (laughter) it could use a little high fructose corn syrup. úliughter) of course, bill gates is one of the richest