thanks so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, we've got to-- folks, i gotta tell you, one quick thing, one quick thing. i know we've got a big show to do tonight, but one thing before we get started, there was some big news last week that slipped through my news crack, and it concerns someone i've admired for years, and yet surprisingly is not me. i'm talking about david letterman, who last thursday night announced his retirement. and i am going to miss this good man. dave has been on the air my entire adult life, "late night" debuted my first year in college. i learned more from watching dave than i did from going to my classes. ( cheers and applause ). especially-- especially the ones i did not go to because i had stayed up until 1:30 watching dave. ( applause ) this man has influenced every host who came after him, and even a few who came before him. he's that good. ( laughter ) and i gotta tell you, i

>> stephen: ugh! this makes me so angryface that i could punch a snowman into a circumstances tent full of sexy stilettos. after that, i'll have to cool down with a handful of pills and a turkey drumstick. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, the diversity mafia is whining that the emoji characters are predominantly white. of course they are! white male is american neutral. it's the baseline model. if you want to accessorize, you're free to add bells and whistles like "melanin" or "vagina." but now, the pc police are gonna shove new ethnic emotions into our phones. i can't just be sad anymore. i'll have to be "black" sad. (laughter) i'm sorry. that's way sadder than i'm willing to be! besides, there's already plenty of diversity on the emoji keyboard. like turban guy. (laughter) he could represent anything. a hindu, a muslim, a genie, or head trauma victim of any race. (laughter) and folks, internet equality is more important than ever, as i learned this weekend when the interwebs tried to swallow me whol

stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much, good to have you with us. ladies and gentlemen, if you can feel the energy in the room, i know these people came-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, i certainly hope you all had a great weekend. i did. i was in vatican city for a little saint-making festival called popechella (laughter) just like coachella, it had a party atmosphere and a lack of contraception. (laughter) every one was there to celebrate one thing, two things. (laughter) >> jim? >> some called it the day of four popes, pope francis and his predecessor benedict xvi at the ceremony this morning were two giants of the church, john paul ii and john xxiii were declared saints. >> it is an event that may well never happen again. in effect four popes in the same place at the same time. >> stephen: that's right there were so many popes you could not swing a dead pope without hitting one. now know surprise these guys were saint. john xxiii's modernized the

welcome to the report, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here. ( cheers and applause ) folks, it's so wonderful to be here. you know, ladies and gentlemen, if you know the show,un i love being a christian. i mean there are so many perks -- eternal salvation with our lord in heaven, and a magical rabbit who passes out candy. hindus you're missing out. i'm not sure what that elephant gets you. and this week, we christians got some very special news. >> the search for the holy grail could be over. >> two spanish historians say they have found the holy grail, a cup said to have been used by jesus during the last supper. they say it was hidden since the 11th century inside another ancient cup housed in a basilica in spain. >> stephen: they found the holy grail. and they know it dates back to jesus because the bottom reads, "not dishwasher safe because it hasn't been invented yet." ( laughter ) , of course, every time someone finds the holy grail skeptics come out of the woodwork just

(cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. please, please, sit down, folks, in here and if anybody at home is standing up take a squat, folks, you watch this show. you know i love numbered lists. one, two, three. i could go on. the main reason i love them is because america is always at the top. we are number one in billionaires, worker productivity, and percentage of population behind bars. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes. hell yeah! eat that rwanda. but sadly i may be falling out of love with lists. here's the number one reason why. >> hello, canada, are you number one. that's the finding at a new report canada's middle class passing america. for the first time as the most affluent in the world. >> in canada average income workers have enjoyed a nearly 20% raise since 2000. but here in the u.s. middle class workers wages have been virtually flat for 14 years. >> the u.s. has now been surpassed by the mi

>> stephen: no, i drive a tesla. >> i'm sure you do. >> stephen: yeah, i do.ou watch a 1935 television set? >> stephen: no, a 1935 television set, i think was a potato field. >> the social security liberals believe things should have gone just as it always has. >> stephen: so we should get rid of social security? >> no. >> stephen: i should. am i more of a conservative than you are? >> yes. >> stephen: okay. i was trying to lead you into a field where old people would shoot you in the head. what is it -- when was the last time you went to a game there? >> two weeks ago. >> stephen: did they win? not exactly. >> stephen: really? how close to winning did they come? >> they scored. >> stephen: they scored? oh, that's really good. i love it there. >> 18 innings in yankee stadium a week ago and didn't score. >> stephen: do you think wrigley field, it's such a lovely place to be. you have the hand-lettered scoreboard, the ivy-colored walls, you've got clark street -- do you think if it wasn't so nice that the cubs would win more? >> it is the case that p.k. wrigley,

thank you for joining us. >> steveen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation-- (cheers and applause) thank you so much. right through the uprights. thank you. nation, thank you, please, sit down, everybody. nation, if you have been watching the news, and i hope you have been, vladimir putin takeover of crimea is a sobering reminder that we cannot trust the subans unless they have a scottish accent. and folks, things just went from bad to borscht. >> we learned that it included taking ukraine's combat dolphin, that's right, the dolphins like the ones pec tured here, they were trained by the ukrainian navy to attack enemy targets. >> stephen: yes, these dolphins were trained to defend ukraine. if only their soldiers had been. (laughter) nation, we in the united states are defenseless against this dolphin army because due to bad planning our ocean defense system is merely a series of colourful hoops. (laughter) and i think i speak for everyone when i say japanese mass dolphin slaughterers, we owe you an

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. ( cheers and applause ) folks, if you watch the other news channels-- and i hope you don't-- you know there's only one lead story today and that is the racist comments of l.a. clippers owner and darth vader with his helmet off, donald sterling. ( laughter ) we've all heard what he said, and if you haven't heard, you're a racist. ( laughter ) but just to refresh our outrage, sterling and his wife are suing his ex-mistress to recover $1.8 million sterling gave her. coincidentally, a recording was mysteriously released of sterling lecturing his mistress about her friends. >> it bothers me a lot if you want to broadcast that you're associating with black people. do you have to? why publicize it on the instagram? >> why bring the black peoples to the game? >> how about your whole life, every day. you could do whatever you want. you could sleep with them, you could bring them in, you could do whatever you want. the little i

>> i did. >> stephen: you have your own clothing line. >> i do. >> stephen: what's it called?i smell like malkovich, if i want? >> i don't think you'd want. >> stephen: no? a little malkovich? >> no, i don't have a fragrance? >> stephen: you don't? would bit okay if i smelled you? >> sure. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: like a baby's bottom. john malkovich! john malkovich! the movie is caesar hi, my name is suzy, and i've had a stroke due to my cigarette smoking. i now need help with feeding, dressing, bathing, even going to the bathroom. sometimes it's people who work here; sometimes it's my son, daniel. my tip to you is: enjoy your independence now. you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now. has every amenity. booooriiiing!!!! ah, ah, ah. hit it, guys! ♪ ♪ it's got a bin for your chickens ♪ ♪ a computer from the future ♪ ♪ and some giant freaky room for eight ♪ ooh, yeah! ♪ but it ain't got no room for boring ♪ i'm spacing out on all this space, too! ♪ no, we ain't got no room for boring ♪ ♪ for boring, we ain't got no room ♪ [ male announcer ] the all-new highland

>> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. (cheers and applause) folks, thank you so much for being here on-- nice to be here on such a special night. i just had a new child. and it's the easiest birth i've ever had. welcome to the family, avery. nation, we are just-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, we are just 100 days away from being 845 days away from the 2016 presidential election. and the gop field is already full of strong contenders forming committees to explore the possibility of talking to their families about maybe vacationing in iowa this year. (laughter) the candidate i've been pinning my hopes on is jeb bush, he's a strong leader whose victory would return dignity to the white house and relevance to my-- sadly this past weekend jeb shot himself in the foot which would have been a ringing endorsement of gun rights if he hadn't also said this about illegal immigrants. >> they cross the border because they have no oth

>> i did. >> stephen: you have your own clothing line. >> i do. >> stephen: what's it called? techno-bohemian. >> stephen: can i smell like malkovich, if i want? >> i don't think you'd want. >> stephen: no? a little malkovich? >> no, i don't have a fragrance? >> stephen: you don't? would bit okay if i smelled you? >> sure. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: like a baby's bottom. john malkovich! john malkovich! the movie is caesar what is focus? it's a wondrous sensation of clarity and alertness... it's owning your opponent... it's knowing beyond a doubt "you got this"... it's keeping your head down, your eye on the ball, and knocking it out of the park... it's getting in the zone... it's keeping on your toes... on target... on top... focus is staring the world in the face and saying "bring it"... focus is power... focus is life... and 5-hour energy is focus. she would probably say yes. that's why i don't ask. too shy, or too scared? too busy! you need to keep both eyes open. [ grunts ] [ horn honks ] oh, hey mom. [ captain america kid ] we'll pick this back up tomorrow. ok, see

. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen. >> thank you, ladies and yes. >> thank you so much, nation. (cheers and applause) nation, i hope that-- anybody watching out there that if you know me at all you know that i am a huge supporter of the war on terror. it is a much better battle against an abstract concept than our war on appate. (laughter) frankly, i just couldn't see the point of that one. well, last week, folks, we got the bombshell news on the people we're shelling with bombs. jim? >> u.s. intelligence analysts are examining a video that appears to show the largest al qaeda gathering in years. the recording recently appeared on jihadist web sites, the men are meeting in a rugged mountainous area. >> this video is part al qaeda pep rally and part propaganda. >> stephen: and this pep rally propaganda or prepa-ganda has been a huge viral success, especially with those jihaddists who have been waiting years for the sequel to their first hit, monkey bars! but this weekend the video got one resou

. >> stephen: so what came over you?eart was racing, palms sweating, and i couldn't talk. i was halfway through six stories i was supposeed to read, and i had to bail and send it back. >> stephen: you were experimenting with non-prescription drugs? >> yes. >> after the war zones i got depressed and was sprnltding wit was experimenting with cocaine and ecstasy, and it raitzs the level of adrenaline in the brain and caused a panic attack. >> stephen: did you have a pacifier in your mouth and a blow stick. what did you think -- how did you think that >> you're making me realize i did it wrong. [ applause ] >> stephen: that's good. okay. so then the late great peter jennings pult you on religion after that. >> right. >> stephen: what religion helped you? did you find jesus? >> i met a lot of people who knew jesus, and i was moved by their storys. nothing spoke to me personally, but i did ultimately find meditation. >> stephen: what religion did you find meditation? >> buddhist meditation. >> stephen: and will that meditation

>> i did. >> stephen: you have your own clothing line. >> i do. >> stephen: what's it called?l like malkovich, if i want? >> i don't think you'd want. >> stephen: no? a little malkovich? >> no, i don't have a fragrance? >> stephen: you don't? would bit okay if i smelled you? >> sure. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: like a baby's bottom. john malkovich! the movie is caesar there's a saying around here, you stand behind what you say. around here you don't make excuses. you make commitments. and when you can't live up to them, you own up, and make it right. some people think the kind of accountability that thrives on so many streets in this country has gone missing in the places where it's needed most. but i know you'll still find it when you know where to look. only famous. and older. and gorgeous. and not like ours at all. go and smell the roses! that being made out of delicious chocolate makes me "high risk" for insurance companies. but i still believe i deserve coverage. and furthermore, i have been here for 15 minutes, which means... well, you know. um...geico only insures

. >> stephen: i do.tephen: why are you kind still? you don't have to be kind anymore? you could be a complete monster and no one would do anything to you. >> i have the sweetest students ever-- why not be nice? >> stephen: you say becoming kinder happens naturally with age. how do you explain grumpy old men? >> yeah, i-- ( laughter ) i got a few e-mails-- "you should meet my father-in-law. you don't know what you're talking about." for me i think what happens is you get older, you have less energy. so it takes a lot of energy to maintain your nurose ease and hatred. i think as you get older you're like i wish i could still be hateful, but i'm too tired. ( laughter ) you have kids. and you see the way the world works on people and i think you-- i think actually the dust kind of settles. in my experience you sort of see that learning to become more sympathetic and loving actually is really what it's all about. all the other stuff of kind of just dust, you know? >> stephen: the central message to students i

>> i did. >> stephen: you have your own clothing line. >> i do. >> stephen: what's it called?n. >> stephen: can i smell like malkovich, if i want? >> i don't think you'd want. >> stephen: no? a little malkovich? >> no, i don't have a fragrance? >> stephen: you don't? would bit okay if i smelled you? >> sure. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: like a baby's bottom. john malkovich! john malkovich! the movie is caesar and then take everything out ofn the truck and out of the boxes? you know the answers to questions like that, so you're the best person to do your taxes. intuit turbotax. it's amazing what you're capable of. perfectly bite-sized drops of rich and creamy chocolate happiness. when the chocolate is hershey's, life is delicious. boring! yeah! ♪ if you want to see old faithful ♪ ♪ don't be such a couch potato ♪ ♪ yeah just go check out the thing for yourself ♪ highlander! ♪ we ain't got no room for boring ♪ ♪ ferdy gerdy ferdy ger boom! [ cluck, cluck ] ♪ no, we ain't got no room ♪ for boring ♪ for boring, we ain't got no room ♪ ahh! [ male announcer ] the all-new highlan