stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen. (cheers and applause) do you feel that? do you feel that waive of love? -- that wave of love? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. nation, the 2016 presidential election is closer than you think, unless you think it's about two years away. but the race was just rocked by a bombshell poll conducted by statistical-- statistical savanat, the cockiest guy in your fantasy football league nate silver. when he was still working at the "new york times" silver nailed every one of his election predictions. now he's over at espn. but he's still doing vital analysis. case in point, his recent poll comparing the favor ability ratings of star wars characters. (laughter) yes, nate silver is now officially in a gal axy far, far away from journalism. the star wars results were then picked up by "the washington post" who further crunched the numbers. and found that darth individual certificate polling higher than all potential 2016 presidential ca

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stechb, stephen!tephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us in here, out there, all around the world. nation, there's a lot to talk about. but of course, of course folks i have to start tonight with a shocking international incident that has drawn the attention of every nation. let's go straight to tonight's edition of world news wrap-up. >> the story is still unfolding but preliminary results indicate that prince george is walking. it's magical to see his royal cuteness take his historic firsted to el. and what a relief to know that members of the royal blood line still have the bone density to stand upright. folks this is great. this is great. i don't have a copy of it here. no, this is great. and we're all smiling. because everyone is happy. and i believe that concludes world news wrap-up. (laughter) (cheers and applause) and there are not any other big international stories, right, jim. >> the surface-to-air

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. (cheers and applause) just hearing you chant like that just hearing you chrant chant like that is i got to say, your chanting, your adulation that just felt like a cork being tossed around in a typhoon of love. folks if you watch the news you know the conflicts continue to rage all around the world an tonight i'm sad to report yet another international-- another international dispute. >> justin bieber and orlando bloom in a heated argument. that is actor orlando bloom arguing with pop star justin bieber. overnight at a restaurant in ibiza spain. a club-goer telling that bloom had thrown a punch at bieber. >> stephen: early reports-- reports indicate that justin bieber had his first hit in years. the roots of this conflict-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, the roots of this conflict are, of course, byzantine and ancient. in 2012 orlando bloom was married to australian model miran

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now folks, thank you. thank you, folks. that's great. before we get started, i understand your enthusiasm, ladies and gentlemen, don't get me wrong, i understand. but ladies and gentlemen, before we get started i cust want to address the horrible tragedy in the ukraine. earlier today a malaysian airline flight carrying 295 passengers and crew crashed apparently brought down by a missile. it is an unthinkable loss an our thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by this senseless act. and there is more trouble in the middle east after ten days of trading missile launches earlier today there was a brief talk of a cease-fire between israel and hamas. that broke down as both sides could agree on the fire part, not so of the cease. (laughter) and now israel has sent ground troops into gaza. this may sound familiar. but this is different than the last gaza war in t

>> stephen: whoo. welcome to the show, everybody. [audience chanting "stephen"] steep u-s-a, u-s-a, u-s-a, u-s-a, u-s-a! [cheering and applause] welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen. nation, nation, you can feel it at home. it's like a wave of electric patriotism right across the wire. we're all excited and cheering for the same reason -- i'm about to take a two-week vacation. [cheering and applause] but also i am pumped about team u.s.a.'s match against germany today. they said it could not be done, but we dug down deep and lost our game. [cheering and applause] but, but, but we also had portugal win in a different game by not by a lot, so we're number two, we're number two, we're number two! >> audience: we're number two, we're number two! >> stephen: and folks, i cannot wait for the next round. like you, i've been bitten hard by the soccer bug, also known as luis suarez. i'm not alone, folks. a record 25 million americans watched sunday's game against portugal, which is what has me so worried. >>

i can't wait for the results, stephen. >> stephen: important work, p.k. here's my $5,nym. >> great. >> stephen: p.k., i want to impeach the president. what can i do with your help to make that happen? >> mm-hmm, yeah. well, stephen, i have a step-by-step plan to impeach president obama. it's all in my new book -- look out, obama, you're being impeached! >> stephen: a strong message. but let's pretend i don't want to impeach the president. anything i can do to stop it? >> yes! buy my book, "look out, obama, you're being impeached!" >> stephen: sorry for asking but is that the same book? >> good eye, stephen. it's choose your own adventure. on each page, you decide whether or not to impeach president obama. spoiler alert, no matter which way you choose, he is eaten by a dragon. >> stephen: thanks for all the work. keep us updated on all the future opportunities. >> actually, i do have one more opportunity. if you are a fan of or participant in history, you will not want to miss this exclusive opportunity to own an honorary doctorate of fine arts from knox c

good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here tonight. (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, good to see you. folks, i got to tell you, it's not just the energy in this room. i feel it too. you know, i love going-- i love going on vacation. it is great to be back after two weeks. i spent the fourth of july holiday celebrating a steamy anniversary with my lover, america. (laughter) i got him the same present as every year, scrap meat and explosives. but sadly it wasn't all party time. you see, before vacation i was swept up in world cup fever! riding high! riding high on team usa's thrilling series of winning, tying and losing. (laughter) but then we faced our h he-- eternal enemy, belgium. or as i call it europe rhode island. (laughter) and those waffle-sucking sort of frenchies. crushed us like we were then in every world war. (laughter) and with america out of the picture it all came down to a death match between germany and a

thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, folks. sit down. folks thank you so much. oh, you, my brother, it was gorgeous and yum, " why um. thank you so much for being here tonight. i told you all about the recent surge of violence in iraq and how it caught president obama with his mom jeans down. ( laughter ) but you know what they say-- every brutal terrorist onslaught has a silver lining. in this case it brought back my old pals, the iraq pack, and they are sing the same old tune. >> look, i think we should have found a way to keep an american presence in iraq. >> president bush did exactly the right thing in overthrowing saddam hussein. >> i'm not responsible for iraq today. that's because of what barack obama did. >> general petraeus had the conflict won, thanks to the surge. we had the conflict won. and we had a stable government. >> stephen: john mccain is right-- we had that conflict won in 2009 when we left iraq a peaceful, smoldering democracy. ( laugh

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, folks, good to have you with us, in here, out there, all around the world! folks, thank you so much for being here. it's-- it's great to know i have your support. while i am primarily a pundit and newsman my media empire extends all throughout the entertainment industry. because in addition to this show i have my best selling children's book. my alpha squad 7 graphic novel and my family friendly ku klux cartoons. call me anything, jr., okay, or you're the racist. but even media moguls like me got to stay connected to the fans. and there's no better place to do that than at this weekend's san diego comic con where every conceivable sci-fi, tv show or book moneymaker for at least 130,000 rabid attendees. it is an orgy of people who will probably not be invited to the orr gy. (laughter) but besides, besides being the super bowl of marketing. it is also the world series of cosplay. you can be batman, superman, dead pool, hawk cat, lady thor, mystique, princess leia, bobafet

>> i've got to go. >> stephen: we'll be right >> stephen: we'll be right back with more paul ru and i smoked while i was pregnant. my baby was born two months early and weighed only 3 pounds. this is the view i had of her in the nicu. my tip to you is: speak into the opening so your baby can hear you better. (announcer)you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now son: dad, this is a remix. it's the new red white & blue slam. same thing. hmm-mm. this has blueberries, strawberries and cream cheese icing. you don't know what you're talking about. yup, he loved to say that, too. [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! it takes place in anhaha, cleveland... i love it babe. i'm not your babe. you weren't saying that this morning, when you're like... mmmmm mmmm mmm alright we're done. break up with lingering food. (ding!) mmmmm mmmm for that just brushed clean feeling... ♪ eat, drink, chew orbit [cheering and applause] >> stephen: we're back with star of stage and screen, mr. paul rudd. paul, i got to tell you, when i think of paul rudd, the one memory that comes to mind for me is one

>> stephen: are you here? >> i'm here. >> stephen: are you alive on the planet now?ng in. >> stephen: your work crossed with a lot of boundaries, you featured in spikily's red hook summer and the h.b.o. series tramay was based in part on your family. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you the one with the dragons? is that your family? >> no, we just got a field of cows, you know. >> stephen: a field of cows, okay. this is the new orleans one. there's a fair amount of nudity in the tramay. is there a fair amount of nudity in your family? >> well there's a fair amount of nudity in my life, you know. (cheering) >> stephen: congratulations, my friend! let's talk jazz a second here. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: you're going to jazz at us in a little while. >> yeah. >> stephen: do i need a college professor to explain jazz with a cigarette and diagram? do i need someone to explain to me why i do enjoy a modal scale? >> you can go that right, do anything you like, it's america (laughter) but i think the best way is to just sit back and feel it, man. improvisation is forever. everybody's

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. folks, thanks, good to have you with us, folks. you know, if you watch this show you know, and i take this seriously, my most solemn duty is holding our elected officials accountable. and tonight i have reeled in the biggest fish in the big apple, our mayor. (cheers and applause) no, not michael bloomberg, bill de blasio. i've waited a long time to hold de blasio seat to defire because we all know what this man is. mayor de blasio is a socialist, all right. he's just flat out a socialist. >> america's leading leftist, mr. tax the rip, the mayor of new york bill de blasio. >> bill de blasio, this your mean socialist. >> i think bill de blasio is a socialette, i call him comrade mayor. >> comrade mayor bill de blasio is going to sock it to the rich, sock it to wall street. i wouldn't be surprised if wall street leaves new york. >> stephen: that's right. that's right. thanks to comrade de blasio, wall street is going to leave new y

(cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, steve! >> if i could only go back in time and show this to my 13-year-old self. >> yes, i hosted the hobbit the battle of five armies, the panel. and everybody in the cast was there, it was a magical afternoon. my only disappointment was with comic con at all was that this weekend i was really hoping to see daniel radcliffe who i knew was at comic con pushing his new film horns who i am not going to mention on my show. no free rides, daniel. got to say it sounds good, go see it. i wanted to just set him straight about something he said on a press line last week. >> what is your ideal post -- >> probably the face on-- i guess like ice cream. >> ice cream. >> yeah. >> what flavor? stephen colbert's flavor, right. >> harry potter reaches for me after dumbde doing it. and i'm not surprised. i'm not surprised. ice cream is the official snack of just having had sex or giving up on it entirely. (laughter) now folks here's my beef with d rad. daniel, you're not supposed to eat it after sex, are you

bill... >> stephen: stealing jazz, rock 'n' roll. >> vanilla ice. >> stephen: exactly.ood luck. ta-nehesia coates. "the atlantic." we'll be right back. we heat the room to 110 huh?ees. she's fine. in a world filled with fads, it's nice to get back to basics. new p3 portable protein pack from oscar mayer with 13g of serious protein. it's p3, it's oscar mayer. we test our broad spectrum sunscreen at banana boat, so it stays on in conditions like: pool water, wind, sweat, even 100-degree heat. for uva/uvb protection in 7 conditions. banana boat, we've got you covered. ♪he cadillac summer collection is here. ♪ during the cadillac summer's best event, lease this all new 2014 cts for around $459 a month or purchase with 0% apr and make this the summer of style. now t-mobile is setting music free. stream all the music you want. data charges do not apply, on the data strong network. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> it's is 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on vine today. th

(cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!ries me. do you have time, you know, for a family life, you know, you're a good looking guy, i'm told. i done know, i'm not into that seen but i'm told are you a good looking guy am you have to settle down, you are so busy, when are you going to have kids can, you know, life is short. >> i mean 40 is like the average age for people that i know to have kids. >> yeah. >> stephen: wow, okay. >> so i got four more years. >> stephen: by the way, speaking of relationships, where do you come down on this whole bieber orlando bloom situation, where do you think? you know those guys. >> i'm team bloom, i got to say. >> now you have a new movie out, an adaptation of a mccarthy novel called "child of god ". >> yes,. >> stephen: tell the good people what the story is about, it's a cheerful little tale i would say that the tight sell ironic. it's about a man who is cast out of civilized society and goes and lives in the woods. in fact, deep down, there is a line in the book, he's a child of god muc

(applause) >> stephen: i knowcraty.e (laughter) did you have any idea of the impact this could have? by the time you turned it on in 1983 and said, okay, it's working, did you have a sense of the impact you would have because 3 billion people use it, it's only going to expand. i understand you're working on now at jet propulsion laboratories establish an interplanetary protocol? jesus has influence add few people. mohamed made his impact on the planet, buddha's done a thing or two but i only know those three because i looked it up on wikipedia (laughter) so are you and bob conn, the other guy, are you technological prophets? >> i think it would be closer to say we're scientists, we're experimenters and we're trying to device something that would work and now we're engineers at trying to expand this thing, make it work better for everybody. and of course we have a problem. when he first did the design, we didn't know how many things would be on the internet. >> stephen: how many things are on the internet? >> i don't kno

bill... >> stephen: stealing jazz, rock 'n' roll. >> vanilla ice. >> stephen: exactly.l, good luck. ta-nehesia coates. "the atlantic." we'll be right back. ♪ if you're going to bring the artichoke dip, bring the friggin' artichoke dip. the one-of-a-kind, creamy blend of sweet and tangy. miracle whip and proud of it. you know that dream... on my count. ...the one where you step up and save the day? make it happen. (crowd) oh no... with verizon xlte. hey guys, i got it right here! we've doubled our 4g lte bandwidth in cities coast to coast. so take on more. with xlte. on the largest, most reliable 4g lte network. sfx: sounds of marching band and crowd cheering sfx: sounds of marching band and crowd cheering so, i'm walking down the street, x: sounds of marching band and crowd cheering just you know walking, sfx: sounds of marching bandnd and crowd cheering and i found myself in the middle of this paradeeet, x: sounds of marching band and crowd cheering honoring america's troops. sfx: sounds of marching bandnd and crowd cheering which is actually in tquite fitting becausea

to >> no, it's okay. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: john greent in our stars. the book and there's a movie. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [ male announcer ] we start the day thinking about one thing. bread. but we know you've been thinking about it, too. so we're always trying to make it even better. that's why we added some ingredients and took others out, making this our best bread yet. bread is on the rise at subway. [ male announcer ] when you're ready to turn up your night. turn to bud light platinum, the next generation of smooth. brewed with top-shelf ingredients for a bold, slightly sweet finish. turn up your night, and make it platinum. for a bold, slightly sweet finish. hey, razor. check this out. it's time to get a hotel. we can save big with priceline express deals. hey you know what man, these guys aint no dragons. they're cool. these deals are legit. yeah, we're cool. she's cool. we're cool. andale, ya llegaron tus amigos. ♪ ♪ play "peel, play, olé, olé" from mcdonald's. ¡!¡luis!!! ¡!¡papá!!! and you could win instant

bill... >> stephen: stealing jazz, rock 'n' roll. >> vanilla ice. >> stephen: exactly.luck. ta-nehesia coates. "the atlantic." we'll be right back. ♪ [ male announcer ] we all deserve a good night's sleep. thankfully, there's zzzquil. it's not for colds, it's not for pain, it's just for sleep. ♪ because sleep is a beautiful thing™. ♪ zzzquil. the non-habit forming sleep aid from the makers of nyquil®. zzzquil. you know, the salesmanwhen comes over...r, and tells you, "okay, this is the price," and you're like. you know, you don't know if you're getting a good deal or not. that's what led up to us looking at truecar.com. and it shows you all the information... you need about what price you should be paying. you know, and with truecar.com, my feeling is that... we got a fair price. there's no buyer's remorse, you know. i'm happy with my purchase. it's the truth. when you're ready to buy a car, save time, save money, and never overpay. visit truecar.com >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh acc

uh, uh, jay. >> stephen. >> stephen: stephen colbert, the "colbert report." are you going to answer any of my questions today? >> i'll say a lot. >> stephen: you'll say a lot? all right. are you still working for the white house officially right now? >> i have another 24 hours as white house press secretary, so -- >> stephen: okay, good. ( cheers and applause ). so i can still maintain a healthy contempt for you. because as soon as you're not working for that guy, you know i'm going to like you. >> well i hope so. >> stephen: what are you going to do? first of all, why are you quitting, you quitter? could you not take it? >> i got an e-mail from somebody calling me a quitter. >> stephen: you are a quitter, quitter. man up. there's a war about to start in iraq again. come on. don't you want to answer those questions? >> you know, i got an e-mail earlier this year from someone who said,un," you're the longest serving white house press secretary since the mid-90s." and i chebd, and it's true. i didn't quite realize that it was such a high-burnout job. because i-

stephen's family couldn't believe it since the two often worked late together. >> stephen would bring in cds specifically that he knew was the type of music that wilson liked so that they could put it in and it would go through the whole store and they could be listening to that music while they were working. >> wilson saintil went to the ceremonies to honor the deceased, hugged family members, cried when it was appropriate. there was no flight issues. there was no obvious signs that we needed to suspect him of anything. >> but investigators naturally went further, comparing saintil's dna to the blood droplets on the kitchen counter and faucet. >> those six foreign male dna profiles found at the scene did match the suspect in the case. >> the 51-year-old haitian national was arrested on suspicion of murder. >> do you have anything to say at all? >> they've got the wrong guy. >> they got the wrong guy? >> yes. >> you didn't kill stephen holmes? >> no. >> you don't know anything about it? >> stephen was my good friend. >> although his blood and fingerprint were both at the scene, police

bill... >> stephen: stealing jazz, rock 'n' roll. >> vanilla ice. >> stephen: exactly.d luck. ta-nehesia coates. "the atlantic." we'll be right back. this is smith & forge hard cider. it's like cecil here. strong. sturdy. but not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. built to refresh. smith & forge hard cider. made strong. with new jolly rancher filled gummy bites? not today. bites. little greatness. wanna meet the band? o-m-goodness! step on up. hey... whoa! groupies are easy. crazy good! so tell me about that at&t best-ever family pricing thing. its ten gigs of data to share with unlimited talk and text, and for a family of four, its $160 a month. $160 a month? sign us up. um, maybe we sign you up at the store after this. right, 'cause this is the... food court, yeah. it's the food court. at&t's best-ever family pricing. for instance, a family of four gets 10 gigs of data, with unlimited talk & text, for $160 dollars a month. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

to >> no, it's okay. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: john greene fault in our stars. the book and there's a movie. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] you know that dream... on my count. ...the one where you step up and save the day? make it happen. (crowd) oh no... with verizon xlte. hey guys, i got it right here! we've doubled our 4g lte bandwidth in cities coast to coast. so take on more. with xlte. on the largest, most reliable 4g lte network. steep that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. captioning sponsorey comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>'s 11:59 and 5 the seconds this happened on instagram today t was a huge weekend for sports. the world cup start, not a single team's goalie has been beheaded so put that in the win column. the spurs beated the heat and old age to win the nba championship. and the l.a. kings won the stanleyest cup. i call the stanleyest cup because it is the most stanley of a cup you can get. fans flocked on to the ice to celebrate like this woman. >> you are a ve