>> he has a (bleep). >> stephen: he has a tally whacker. >> i never heard that. >> stephen: yeah, yeah a johnson. >> a johnson. >> stephen: you ever heard of johnson. a svon. it's in your book. why are you printing a smutty book? >> because he's a boy. >> stephen: you don't have to rub it in our face. boys wear pants. >> not when they are dreaming. i never had a dream yourself where you were totally -- have you ever had a dream yourself where you were totally naked. >> stephen: no. >> you are a man of little imagination. >> stephen: i love the book but every copy i have i removed the penises from it. >> oh, my god you have. >> stephen: yep. there's nothing there. moved the butt crack over here. okay, taking the penis out over here. [ laughter ] you don't have to worry about the penis. >> not at all. >> stephen: offending anybody. but i keep them. i cut them out in put them in a plastic bag. [ laughter ] >> there's nothing wrong with you, of course. [ laughter ] i am so impressed. >> stephen: join us tomorrow for the conclusion of grim-colbert-y-tales with maurice sendak. >> it's a mira

(cheers and applause) first of all, welcome, stephen. >> good to be back. >> stephen: stephen, i lookedt up, and you and i debated torturing detainees in the very first month of this show more than nine years ago. >> nine years? wow, you haven't aged a bit. >> stephen: awww... you're a liar. >> i am. you look terrible. >> stephen: i know! 'cause i've been up for almost a week reading about how we kept prisoners up for almost a week. you look so well-rested. what's your secret? >> i'll show you. gimme that. (cheering) now you will sleep like a baby. >> stephen: no, i won't! some parts of that report are really disturbing! >> which parts? >> stephen: the words. chaining and beating, confinement in coffin-sized boxes, something called "rectal rehydration"? >> well, c'mon, man, no one likes a thirsty rectum. >> stephen: granted. i just don't like to think of america as a torture nation. >> we're not. we're the good guys. it's just that, after 9/11, our fear and anger temporarily changed us into a different guy. >> stephen: oh! like the incredible hulk? >> exactly. don't make us angry. you w

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!ave you with me. i just wish the opposite was true. and let me explain what i mean here. i almost didn't come to work today, folks. i am just-- yeah, mi just so depressed that we still have a government. (laughter) >> stephen: we were so close to shutting it down. and the democrats would have taken the blame. because i agree with indiana congressman mike pence that nobody could have said that the shutdown was just republican brinksmanship. >> we're trying to have a victory for the republican people, for the republican people, trying to score a victory for the american people, not for the republican party. >> stephen: what an blooe blooep-- blooep wlooep, i mean republicans-- i mean americans. and folks, with no government we could finally have shaken off the yolk of useless regulatory agencies like the epa. and i was even ready to toast the lack of industrial oversight with this champagne flute of lead paint. (laughter) hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. i'm getting hints of latex with a semi gloss

>> no. >> stephen: okay. that's interesting because you co-sponsored h.r.-1815, the lena horne recognition act, and yet you don't recognition lena horne. yet you voted to recognize her. >> i think that the purpose of the legislation was to recognize the good things she has done. >> stephen: such as? lena horne -- >> stephen: yeah? i just remembered who she is. >> stephen: yeah. he died about two years ago, right? >> stephen: yeah. my image of her is the heavier woman of later years. >> stephen: yeah. i wouldn't recognize that picture. >> stephen: yeah. all right. quick follow-up. do you recognize this woman? >> no. >> stephen: this is also lena horne. when she's older. about the age you said you would recognize her. and you don't recognize her again. >> i gave lena my best. >> stephen: do you know one of her songs? >> not off the top of my head. ♪ don't know why there's no sun up in the sky ♪ ♪ stormy weather >> you have a very pretty voice. >> stephen: thank you. you have lovely hands. (laughter) let's talk

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the rep,

i mean --. >> stephen: i accept that wisdom. >> sure. >> stephen: i accept that wisdom. >> sure. >> stephenlieve me, i don't like those strip clubs, i find them depress, they're not my style. but when i go... ( laughter ) ...i certainly feel that they've got all the power. >> right, right. >> stephen: they've got all the power. i am almost frightened of them. of course they look so tall on the runway. >> sure. well, i mean, i guess what i think a little iffy about that formulation is that strippers, like porn stars, who are the other sort of stars of raunch culture, those are women whose job it is to fake lust, and so i think that if we're going to have sexual role models as women, it should be the women who have the most pleasure in sex, not the women who get paid the most to pretend they're engaged with it. >> stephen: okay, but what is is wrong -- i mean, these women are appreciation right? >> yes. >> stephen: they're pros. >> right. >> stephen: what is wrong with people emulating a pro? like, if you want to play baseball, you don't say, "i want to play like an amateur." you sa " "want t

thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!ephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentleman. i have got to say, folks, thank you. i'm not-- i got to say, that chanting had a very appealing mindlessness. (laughter) >> stephen: nation, with 2012 right around the corner everybody out there wants to know what republicans are going to run for president. and somehow, and i don't know how, fox news has the inside scoop. >> today march 2nd, fox news has suspended its contributor arrangements with former house speaker newt gingrich and former pennsylvania senator richard santorum, both of whom have signaled possible runs are for the president. >> what the-- what? (laughter) >> stephen: suspended? with these two off the air how will i ever know how conservatives feel about taxes. who careses if they're signaling they're running for president. you know how i signaled i was running for president? i ran for president. in the hail to the sea nacho cheese presidential campaign. okay. i did

. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, my brothers. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you my friends. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, i hope you all had a great weekend. i sure did. down in my home state of south cackalacky. more on that shortly. but first let's get to the primary. newt gingrich crushed mitt romney on saturday. after disappointing showings in iowa and new hampshire, newt's campaign looked terminally ill which is generally when he moves on to something better. (laughter) now newt, newt triumphs with 40% of the vote to mitt romney's 28%. a gap so wide you could fit newt's head in it. (laughter) and gingrich sealed his victory in last week's debate by going after america's most dangerous enemy, debate moderators. first on monday he laid the smackdown on juan williams. >> speaker, gingrich, you recently said black americans should demand jobs, not food stamps. can't you see that this is viewed at a minimum as insulting to all americans

>> stephen: stay calm, mrs. ludemeyer. >> can i stay here tonight? >> stephen: of course you can! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) what's in your hamburger? i've read that there's horsemeat in your food. what is really in your beef? is the beef 100%? your all beef patties, are they all beef? what is actually in the hamburgers? vo: the lenovo yoga 2-in-1. with 4 different modes, there's a new way to make this holiday one to remember. expert service. unbeatable price. best buy. with t-mobile and iphone 6 you can make wi-fi calls beyond the reach of cellular networks. hey brandon what's up? so you can talk from down here. smile for grandma! or text pictures from up here. ok, there we go, should we send a photo? you can even make calls, way over here. talk and text over wi-fi, with wi-fi calling on iphone 6. only from t-mobile. now get iphone 6 for $0 down. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guests tonight are russian activists. please welcome -- >> pussy riot. >> pussy riot. >> pussy riot. >> stephen: what they said! (cheers and applause) nice to

hair. >> stephen: you overheard? are your spy satellites really that good? >> no, but my ears are really that big. [ laughter ] as a man who understands the appeal of a close crop, i say if stephen colbert wants to play soldier, it's time to cut that man's hair. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: what a second! wait a second >> general, as the commander-in-chief, i hereby order you to shave that man's head. >> yes, sir. [cheers and applause] hold on. >> thank you, general. and once again, my thanks to everyone there! >> thank you, mr. president. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: hey now wait -- [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. it has some pretty crazy moves. and these are some of the biggest vine, instagram

in here, out there, all around the world. >> stephen! stephen! stephen!king your calendars because i will be off the air for the 2016 presidential election, but folks that does not mean i

stephen: hi. >> hi. stephen: wow, so great.ers and applause] >> stephen: amy you found fantastic. >> thanks incense. stephen: you smell like i hugged a priest. what are you doing here. >> i'm a guest on your show this evening. remember. >> stephen: i'm sorry my guest is christopher nolan. >> i know you bumped me. stephen: amy, i didn't bump you. >> your people bumped me. stephen: my people don't do anything i don't tell them to. did. >> did you tell them to bump me? stephen: yes. >> stephen, we're old friends. tephen: that's why i bumped you. who can you bump. >> now i'm sad. stephen: don't be sad. i asked you not to be. let's talk now. >> i'm in a bad mood. staeufplt amy, please. we want to hear amy, don't we. serious, the people have spoken. i really, i really hear it. i want to talk about your thing. >> my thing. stephen: yes. >> you mean the show i busted my butt on. >> stephen: yes, what's is dolled. >> i don't remember. stephen: the heart show holler. >> yes. stephen: on adult swim. it sounds great. what is it about? >> i

did you read my book. >> stephen: excuse me. >> read my book. >> stephen: read your book? read your book in more ways than one, sir. i'm living your book, a fantastic book called "culture warrior" by bill o'reilly. and by the way, you can get great -- you can get great deals at barnes and noble, 30% off right now. >> it is a good deal. >> stephen: this is like day one i got 30% off on this, it was fantastic. by the way, where are you on the cover of that. where are you on the shot. >> right behind the 30% off. >> stephen: no, where are you, you got the flicker on, are you not on the moon, are you. >> i'm in the grand canyon. >> stephen: are you. >> that is where it was taken, the grand canyon, okay. >> stephen: did you plant the flag and claim it for is bela. >> we claimed it for america, down there in the grand canyon. >> stephen: you have to claim things for america these days because there is a culture war going on. >> absolutely. >> stephen: let's educate the people. what is the culture war, and why is it so important. >> the culture war is between secular progressives

(laughter) >> stephen: what a gyp. (applause) now i'll never get to sled down a hill of unemployed federal workers. (laughter) >> stephen: but folks, as up set as i am, just think about all of those poor out of work countdown clocks. >> we're watching that clock as it tickses down to a possible government shutdown. >> as you can see we have the countdown clock on the left of your screen. >> the shutdown clock is tick and tick. >> the count town to the shutdown. >> we have a countdown clock t is very large. >> huge. >> it's the size of a whole-- more than a torso. (laughter) >> stephen: why does erin burnett immediately use size of a torso? i think someone should checker crawl space. now folks, hi a countdown clock too. and i had to stop it with an hour left to go. but mi determined to get my money's worth out of it. so here we are, counting down, 58 minutes until a future rama rerun. incidentally, incidentally,-- (applause) >> stephen: folks, this clock will also work for any of my five rebroadcasts tomorrow. because o

(beep) well, we'll do it live (beep) >> stephen, stephen, this is live. >> stephen: well that's it for the news at noon. where we bring you what matterson to patterson... springs. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: may i point out nobody wears dickeys anymore, just me and brokaw. it's a lost art. we'll be right back. we did it. we did it! ♪ it is official, we gave the people what they wanted. the nation's strongest lte signal. this is a big deal! soak it in! just let it wash over you like a warm bath. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. nation, you know, there's an old saying "behind every great legislator there's a free golf trip to scotland." i'm talking, of course, about lobbyists. despite efforts to limit the influence of special interests, there are over 35,000 lobbyists in washington d&c, a testament to the massive influence of the most powerful lobby of all, the lobby lobby. and i have made it my mission to interview all of the lobbyists. tonight i bring you the third installment of my 35,000-part series "better know a lobby." tonig

stephen! stephen! thank you so much for being here. please, you've given enough at this point. thank you very much. you know, folks, i hope you're checking your calendars because i will be off the air for the 2016 presidential election, but folks that does not mean i cannot call it right now. so with zero percent of precincts caring, the next president of the united states will be wisconsin governor, scott walker. congratulations, sir! well deserved. ooooh, they love you. i'm calling this for governor walker right now because he has proven that he is smarter than he looks, sounds and governs. he knows that if you want to get elected in this country as a republican, you can't just appeal to white people. you also need to appeal to jewish white people. >> a number of high-profile republicans with sights on the 2016 presidential bid are returning from a weekend in sin city where they addressed the republican jewish coalition's annual spring gathering. among those names, wisconsin governor scott walker. >> governor scott walker-- >> hoping to get the blessing and fortune of casino

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, nation. thank you.e, sit down, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you know i need your strength. thank you, nation. thank you for joining us. and good to have you with us. nation, i know that this is-- i know that this is an emotional night for a lot of you, so i want to start the show tonight with something a little more upbeat-- syria. ( laughter ) that country is going down the toilet, but for the first time, they know who to call to unclog it. >> the phones are ringing off the hook at mark-1 plumbing in texas city. it's all because of this photo posted on an islamic militant group's twitter feed. it shows one of the company's old work trucks turned into an anti-aircraft-firing weapon on the front lines of syria's civil war. >> look at this picture. mark's company logo and his phone number still clear as day on the the side of that truck. >> stephen: yes, a texas plumber's work truck showed up in syria. although, pickup tru

this is is the colbert report. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, in here, out there. listen, america and all the ships at sea, folks, if you watch this show -- and i hope you do -- you know that i am a proud supporter and occasional savior of the winter olympics. in 2010, the colbert nation sponsored the u.s. speedskaters who took home the gold but, folks, i'm no hero. i'm the guy who funded the hero so i'm more important than the hero. but a new crisis may force me to dust off my red, white and blue nuthugger. jim? >> the winter olympics in russia are just about six months away and there is growing controversy over new antigay laws and about the safety of gay people visiting russia. also gay athletes. >> a russian law unanimously passed in parliament allows for fines and arrests over anything deemed gay propaganda displayed in front of children. >> so how will this be enforced? does this really mean if someone was waving a rainbow flag or peacefully demonstrating or talking to yo

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for being here. good to have you with us. folks, i gotta tell you-- folks, thank you, thank you so much for that, for that welcome, because tonight, i am beside myself with anger and he's mad, too. ( laughter ) because yesterday, senate democrats dropped a turd of information into the national punch bowl of bliss. >> explosive report, the senate reveals c.i.a. secrets about torturing terror suspects. >> the report written by senate democrats says the c.i.a. overstated the program's successes while hiding its horrors. >> it is a damning indictment. >> it is damning, indeed. >> stephen: yes, a damning report about enhanced interigation. the program was started under president bush if you recall, and if you don't recall, the c.i.a. has ways to make you. it's all detailed in this 500-page travesty, which spilled sensitive torture secrets and residents like "50 shades of legal

>> stephen: i'd love to. wait, wait. >> go back to that shot. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's the magic of television, jon. >> can i have a screen grab of that. >> stephen: we'llt you one. guys, i would love to get out there and really let some blood. but i have to finish my show first. >> we'll wait outside and kick everybody's.... >> stephen: you just wait outside. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i have to tell you, folks, thank you for defending me. thank you. thank you. i am actually a little frightened. that guy is big. we'll be right back. >> should we start fighting or i guess wait. >> i'd rather wait. it's rude. >> he comes in on a fight, you and i are already fighting, it seems rude. >> he's going to be upset. he'll have to explain what he meant. [ high-pitched ] nailed it! [ normal voice ] you're right, that was really easy. i know, i told you so. on progressive.com, you can compare our progressive direct rates with our competitors' rates, so shopping is easy.

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. what a wonderful evening. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what a wonderful evening. couldn't think of a bette better-- thank you so much, nation. now i don't know-- thank you for being here, everybody. it's grate night. if you watch my show on monday night or tried to pretend you weren't watching it at work on tuesday, then you know that i am taking my show down to washington d.c. it's a one-night only special this mondayness. >> stephen colbert presents mr. colbert goes to washington d.c. a later legislator. partisan is such sweet sorrow. a colbert victory lap 014. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folksing i'm going down to dc. i'm going to see all the sights. the big tooth pick, megalincoln and of course the cool, with that-- pool with that handsome man staring out of it and my show is going to be a star-studded evening because i'm a star and a stud. but-- , but o

stephen. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i didn't expect you out here so soon. thanks so much.eers and applause) president obama, i'm thrilled you here but i did not expect you for another three minutes. (laughter) >> stephen, you have been taking a lot of shots at my job. i decided i'm going to go ahead and take a shot at yours. (cheers and applause) i want you to get out of the way. what part of the segment are we in now? what were you going to be doing >> stephen: i was about to do "the word," sir. >> "the word." (cheers and applause) how hard can this be? (laughter) i'm just going to say whatever you were about to say. >> stephen: okey-doke. okay. (cheers and applause) nation -- nation, instead of the word, let's make this a little more presidential, which brings us to tonight's "decree"... (playing "hail to the chief," then clang) ... to health in a hand basket. nation, as you know, i, stephen colbert, have never cared for our president. (laughter) the guy is so arrogant, i bet he talks about himself in the third person. (laughter) (cheers and applause) but even i have to

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. ( cheers ) in here, out there. mr. and mrs. america. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) thank you for your support. thank you for being heroes. folks, folks, for those of you who don't know, we are still counting down to the last episode of the report. after tonight, after tonight, there are two shows left. tomorrow, who knows? ( laughter ) and for a second, it looked like ending my show in 2014 would keep me from covering the 2016 presidential race. but then i realized that's only true if i care about being accurate. ( laughter ) and luckily for me, 2016 came early this year. >> breaking news just in, jeb bush making it official-- well, officially exploring a run for president of the united states. >> he has decided to actively explore running for president in 2016. >> jeb bush is tweeting as we speak. he just tweeted, "i am excited to announce i will actively explore the possibility of running for the president of the u

>> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, nation. thank you. please, sit down, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you know i need your strength. thank you, nation. thank you for joining us. and good to have you with us. nation, i know that this is-- i know that this is an emotional night for a lot of you, so i want to start the show tonight with something a little more upbeat-- syria. ( laughter ) that country is going down the toilet, but for the first time, they know who to call to unclog it. >> the phones are ringing off the hook at mark-1 plumbing in texas city. it's all because of this photo posted on an islamic militant group's twitter feed. it shows one of the company's old work trucks turned into an anti-aircraft-firing weapon on the front lines of syria's civil war. >> look at this picture. mark's company logo and his phone number still clear as day on the the side of that truck. >> stephen: yes, a texas plum

>> stephen: did you support the war when it started. >> i did. >> stephen: and you didn't believe it.didn't. >> stephen: but yet you supported the war. >> complicated, isn't it. >> stephen: it is, yeah. why won't something simple woman out of this war. (laughter) >> it's a mess, that's why. it is a big complicated mess. and it's very hard to sum it up. because when you go there as i just did, i just got back a few days ago. what you really feel is how big and vast and complicated it is. and how many different directions it is going in all at once, depending on what part of the country you are in, which american unit you are with, which iraqis you are talking about, sometimes you feel hopeful, then you fall into despair. and it is very hard to give it a headline and to sum it up. >> stephen: well, then, maybe are you not trying hard enough. because -- (laughter) >> stephen: because i think i can sum it up and say had to go. tough slug, going great, going to win. i just summed it up. okay. what part of that did you not get. and by the way, let me just say, just because you've been there

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. welcome to the report.

(audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! welcome to "the report"! welcome to "the report"! thanks so much, everybody! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the report"! great to have me with you! (laughter) folks,. >> tonight's broadcast emanates from our nation's capital. there's electricity in the air. can you feel it? (cheers and applause) i think it's electricity. they just legalized pot here. (cheers and applause) last night, i got a contact high just walking down to street, and ended up in my hotel room binge-watching c-span. (laughter) well, i think it was c-span. it might have been my shower curtain. i don't know. (laughter) we're at beautiful george washington university. (cheers and applause) george washington university, of course, named for our first president, george university. (laughter) because this is the nation's capital. i am proud to launch part one of my one-part series. better know "a" america. tonight, america: the fightin' us.! america began 270 million years ago as part of pangea, until it split off, thanks to jesus. (laughter)

i heard about your march to keep fear alive, stephen colbert. >> stephen: oh, are you scared, jon? >> jon: reasonably concerned. >> stephen: i will see you in hell. >> jon:, no you will see me on the washington mall on october 30th and then later if hell does exist obviously we will see each other, but i can't say either way. >> stephen: on october 30th. >> jon: say it again. >> stephen: 30bg9th. washington, d.c. >> jon: where should we go? >> stephen: people should definitely book their hotel rooms now or their children might turn gay. >> jon: no, no! >> stephen: yes. >> jon: that is not the result. they should book their rooms now because it will be more difficult to get a good room if you wait. >> stephen: damn your reasonableness. >> jon: it is on. won't back down, sir. >> stephen: jon stewart, everybody! [cheers and applause] >> jon: it is on! >> stephen: yes, yes. ladies and gentlemen, it is on. october 30th on the mall. because now is not the time to take it down a notch. now is the time for all good men to freak out for freedom. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] yo