( applause ) >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: good to see you.ou're very kind. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." sit down. ticktock. we've got to go. wooo! my goodness! what a lovely crowd. what a lovely crowd. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm just as excited as you are. i'm your host, stephen colbert. omd we are live right now from the ed sullivan theater. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, we're live. right after donald trump's lldress to congress. now, technically, this was not "state of the union" because i think in this timeline, the confederacy won. ( laughter ) right? i've never seen this movie before but i think that's how this one ends. i'm not sure. we have to get back to the interdimensional portholes as quickly as we can. there was a lot of anticipation tonight. it was a huge evening. and before it even began, cnn trolled the nation with the caption, "trump leaves white house soon." don't tease! not cool, cnn. not cool. that's not right. ehat's next, covering the president descending

>> stephen: please do go back. >> yeah. >> stephen: why was that?g, middle and end of the story, there's not much else. because, i guess, i mean, that's a tell-tale sign that i really love helen mirren. >> stephen: you were just so nervous? like, to see her? >> my body knew before my mind. >> stephen: wow. i met her for the first time recently. she came on the show and she walked right up to me, and she kissed me on the mouth. >> i heard! >> stephen: yeah, i heard, too! from my wife. ( laughter ) yeah, she's quite an attractive lady, that helen mirren is quite an attractive lady. >> yeah. >> stephen: well, you worked with brian cranston. he's a fantastic actor. >> he is. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. and why him? he's tremendous. is he-- but he's so approachable and cool, right? >> i call him america's sweetheart. he's the greatest man in the world. he really-- i'm going to say, clap for that for sure. ( applause ) >> stephen: i'm in, i'm all in on that. sure, yeah. >> yeah, he was amazing. actually the first day i met him was the mornin

>> stephen: exactly.aughter ) >> stephen: is it a hard name to live up to? >> yeah, like growing up, you know, i would meet somebody and my friend would go, "this is paul rust. this is who i was telling you about." and i could see it in their eyes making this psychological adjust "i thought he was going to have a scar, maybe be a steel worker." my name should be like, lilypad jones. >> stephen: lilypad jones? >> yeah. >> stephen: named for st. lilypad. >> yeah. >> stephen: were you, like, a good kid. were the hardy boys or were you the bad kid in the neighborhood? >> i was the hardy boys. i wanted to be a good little we were both raised catholic, right? i'm shoe you were a good little boy. >> stephen: year, i'm still raised catholic. did you go to catholic school or anything like that yeah. it was great, i remember in fifth or sixth grade i was a teacher who did the "helper of the week" award. on friday, i kept my eyes out and i looked to see who was good and a helper. >> stephen: every week she would do

>> stephen: welcome-- hey, everybody. welcome to "the late show"." i'm stephen colbert.l, it's finally here. after six years of trying, last night the republicans finally unveiled their healthcare plan. then, out of force of habit, they voted to repeal it. ( laughter ) now, there are some things there are some things they're keeping from obamacare: kids staying on their parents' healthcare until they're 26. ( cheers and applause ) insurance companies can't discriminate because of pre-existing conditions. ( cheers and applause ) grandma will still be murdered by death panels while nancy pelosi cackles from her skybox. >> audience: booo! >> stephen: no cheer for that? okay. oh, there's one other thing they're keeping from obamacare: nobody likes it. conservatives are calling it "obamacare lite." great taste, less coverage, ( laughter ) ( applause ) while-- meanwhile-- see, that's the conservatives. conservatives don't care for it. meanwhile democrats are unhappy because experts estimate this will cover 20 million fewer americans than obamacare. >> audience: boooo! >> steph

>> stephen: welcome to" the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. thank you. lovely people. absolutely lovely people. how is everybody's march madness doing? it continues tomorrow night and friday on cbs. right? am i right about that? yeah. everybody's brackets okay? yeah. >> jon: bracketed up. >> stephen: how are everybody's buckets? i'll explain that in a moment, you see, for weeks now, republicans have been bushing their obamacare replacement plan. >> audience: boo! >> stephen: but the bill has a preexisting condition: everybody hates it! ( laughter ) i think those were republicans booing. because republicans have been scrambling to sell this thing ever since the c.b.o. report came out that said that trumpcare would kick 24 million people off of insurance. so now they're rebranding. they're introducing the "three-bucket strategy," okay. three buckets is what they're calling it, okay. so no health care, but with all those buckets, think of how much you'll save on urns. ( laughter ) maybe, maybe. >> jon: wow. you could. >> stephen: shore, pour grandma right i

>> stephen: not yet, brian. we need you out there to tell us how bad the weather is. >> can't you just look out the window? >> stephen: no windows in the studio, brian. you are our eyes and ears. >> well, my eyes are stinging and ears are going to snap off, stephen. i can please come back in! i'm not a meteorologist! >> stephen: no, brian. you've got to stay out there. the public needs to know they made a good decision to stay indoors. >> for the love of god, have mercy! is this about the yogurt i took out out of the fridge? i thought it was for everybody. >> stephen: it said deb's yogurt, brian, ok? is your name deb? >> she doesn't even work here anymore. >> stephen: rules are rules, brian. i'm sorry. >> stephen, i hear wolves. >> stephen: maybe the wolves will have some yogurt for you, brian. we'll get back to you later if the storm worsens. >> it could get worse?!! oh, god. they're coming. i can see their eyes! >> stephen: brian stack, everybody! >> they're mesmerizing. >> stephen: brian stack. ( cheers and a

>> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen.hank you so much. listen, listen. jon, i just want to tell you, i'm enjoying a little coffee right here. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: okay. you know how i like my coffee? >> jon: how do you like that? >> stephen: i like my coffee like i like my history months, black. there it is. well, black history month is officially over. it just flew by as if we gave black people the shortest month of the year. but with jeff sessions as attorney general, i have a feeling we'll be making more black history every day. jon, my friend, how was your black history month. >> jon: it was good, we did a live show to cap it off. >> stephen: we capped it. >> jon: capped off the show, the best month of the year. >> stephen: that's right. i love hearing from you jon, and i love keeping a dialogue open with you. it's so important that we do. >> jon: yes, yes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: because it's important to understand each other's perspective if we're going to go forward as a nation full of love. i understan

>> stephen: hey! how are you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what's up, chris? what's up, paul? please, have a seat. you're too kind. very nice. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to day three of health care plan two, repeal and revenge. this time it's republican. it took the g.o.p. forever to release this thing. they're the george r.r. martins of healthcare. and just like in "game of thrones," a lot of your favorite characters will die without warning. the bill came out three days ago. it was actually on monday they actually released the thing. the bill already has enemies on all sides. the conservative freedom caucus opposes it and so does republican rand paul. >> you coming out against it, some of your colleagues already coming out against the house republican plan, is this proposal dead? >> yes, it's dead on arrival. >> stephen: and rand paul knows dead on arrival. because i believe that was his presidential campaign slogan. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but-- ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) whatever this is.

>> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> why? >> stephen: why?ollege studying philosophy, and i didn't know what to do with myself. i wasn't gog open a philosophy shop. and i came home from college, and my mom, while i was away freshman year, had gotten cable, now that i wasn't there anywhere g.m. ( laughter ) and i came home one night after being out with friends and there was this movie on that i had heard of but never seen called "all that jazz." in "all that jazz--" if you haven't seen it, it's a tremendous movieue play the inspiration to joel giddian yon. you're death. >> angel of death. >> stephen: you're the angel of death. >> , of course, >> stephen: and i watched and i went, "death doesn't look that bad. it looks pretty good." it's not a flattering portrayal of show business. >> no. >> stephen: and i just thought i have to be part of that. so thank you, thank you for helping suck me in to this circus world we live in now. >> that was fosse. he was really something, wasn't he in. >> stephen: i didn't know him but, yeah, what an extraordin

>> stephen: roma-roma-ma-maa! >> ga-ga. >> stephen: oo-la-la! >> stephen: end scene!plause ) >> stephen: "how to transcend a happy marriage" is at lincoln center. marisa tomei, everybody! we'll be right back with hugh dancy. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) don't look now but chuck norris is right behind you. i heard superheroes read chuck norris comics. i heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. i heard cats say they have chuck-like reflexes. do you think he's still got it? i bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. you're on! hey! chuck! you owe me a buck. you can't always see what's coming but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an in-network doctor that's close to home is easy. so what happened? i had lunch with chuck norris. ♪ unitedhealthcare. degree has redefined deodorant with motionsense technology... so that i can redefine... power... footwork... range... and the more i move, the more it works. giving me superior protection... on, and off, the court. degree. it won't let you down. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )

>> stephen: right. some of trump's friends may be in trouble. ( laughter ) this time it's former campaign advisor and maitre d' at a gangster-themed restaurant, roger stone. he's a big buddy of donald trump. during the election, stone was accused of having ties to the russian hackers who broke into the dnc. but just last week, when asked what contact he had with russians, stone said -- "none. nada. zilch. i am not in touch with any russians. don't have a russian girlfriend, don't like russian dressing and have stopped drinking russian vodka." ( laughter ) >> stephen: "i threw out all my russian nesting dolls, i quit my russian roulette league, and i even walk really slowly so that nobody can say i'm rushin'!" ( laughter ) of course, so no russian! nothing russian at all! of course, we all know what happens when a trump adviser denies contact with suspected russian hackers -- they later admit they had contact with suspected russian hackers. and this isn't just any hacker. it's the one is believed by u.s.

>> stephen: i saw an ad. oh, yeah yeah. >> stephen: very proud of you.> well, i'm not a power ranger i play a charged named zordon, which is a disembodied head in the walls of a ship, which, you know, is very common. >> stephen: i'm just curious why the red power ranger outfit, then? well, i've always wanted to be a ranger. >> stephen: okay. all right. i think we have a clip of you as zordon here. >> you do? >> stephen: do we know what's happening in this clib? >> i don't know. i think it's when i first meet these new rangers. >> stephen: okay. who are not yet working as a team and that's what they'll need to do in order to save the universe. >> stephen: let's find out. you mean to tell me the fate of the universe is placed in the hands of these children? >> they're teenagers, somewhere between infancy and full maturity. it's hard to explain really. >> show me the coins. the morphine grid is never wrong. if the power coins returned to the ship with these teenagers, power rangers. >> okay, quick question. did i just hear you say we're power rangers? >> ye

hi, stephen! >> stephen: hi, yvette nicole brown. >> how are you?ommunity," "the odd couple," "the office," "boston legal," "two and a half men," "chuck," "house," "psych," "that '70s show," "entourage," "curb your enthusiasm." but i know you from donors choose. >> donors choose, this amazing charity that we're both on the board for-- ( cheers and applause ) hey, donors choose. >> stephen: people at home-- tell the people how it works. >> donors choose is this great organization where teachers who are in need, they need crayons or books for their students, they can say, "can you give me $5 towards this or $2 towards this?" it's called donors choose because we are the donors and we get to choose. >> stephen: any classroom-- >> any classroom, any project-- >> stephen: any school system in the united states. >> any amount, any amount. >> stephen: incredible. >> yeah, it's kind of a love letter to teachers and students and we both have a heart for teachers and students. >> stephen: and the best part is you actually get a letter back from the students wh

>> stephen: no one.nd applause ) ( piano riff ) well, not no one, but maybe someone who skips their intelligence briefings. because it turns out, on friday night, no incident occurred in sweden. which is actually headline news there. "nothing happens, again." ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's very quiet, very safe. no one was more baffled by trump's supposed swedish incident than the swedes. their former prime minister, carl bildt, tweeted, "sweden? terror attack? what has he been smoking?" ( cheers and applause ) what has he been smoking? ah, vladimir putin's ( bleep )? ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) it's all done with love. but let's be real here. this is the president of the united states. he has access to every and the latest intel at all times. sir, for real, where did you get your information from? "my statement as to what's happening in sweden was in reference to a story that was broadcast on fox news concerning immigrants and sweden." oh, i

>> stephen: yeah. >> jon: whoo! >> stephen: so why did trump do it?pparently, trump was none too pleased that thanks to more russia revelations, jeff sessions had to recuse himself on thursday. so trump's staff did whatever they could to calm him down. one white house official even said, "they tried to put trump in a better mood by going over their implementation plans for the travel ban." look at the shiny travel baaannnn! ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) does this big angry man want to split up some muslim families? i see a smile! i see a smile! ( laughter ) i hope he doesn't think i'm speaking arabic right now. ( nonsensical noises ) i'm not. but it turns out that nobody's better at pleasuring trump than himself. because after his obama tweetstorm, trump was brighter sunday morning as he read several newspapers, pleased that his allegations against obama were the dominant story. well, we want to do our part to make the man with the nuclear codes calm, so my news channel, real news network, filed this explosive report on the obama allegations.

i'm your host, stephen colbert.ave a quick question for you guys if you don't mind me asking: anyone here use the internet ( cheers and applause ) you might want to knock it off because congress has now voted to allow internet providers sell your web-browsing history. >> audience: boo! >> stephen: i rched that reaction. now might be a good time to clear your browser history. just hit that button, or pull the lever? i don't know. i've never used it. i've got nothing to hide. i burned my computer this morning. ( laughter ) so this is what's wrong with washington d.c. here's the deal. i guarantee you there's not a voter of any political stripe anywhere in america who asked for this. no one. no one in america stood up in a town hall and said, "sir, i demand that you let someone else make money off my shameful desires." i can't imagine somebody asked this to happen. i can't believe they're publicly taking the side of big internet cable companies. taking the side of a cable company? the only thing less popular would be if

>> stephen: oh, wow. could tell whether that looked good on you. but i imagine it looked fantastic. >> yes. >> stephen: anyway, you don't need glass? >> i feel like i'm starting to while i'm reading lately. but i don't know if i just want them and i'm having psychosomatic symptoms because i want a cool pair of glasses. i'm not sure. >> stephen: we first knew you from nick, you know, but after nickelodeon, you've done a lot of horror. you've done "american horror story" "of "scream queens," and now you're doing ""the blackcoapt's daughter." are you trying to scrape the nickelodeon off of you? >> it's accidental. everyone that knows he says you do so much scary stuff and you're terrified of everything. and it's like i woke up one day and had been on in a movie called "scream" and in a show called "scream queens, and i don't know how it happened. i don't know. >> stephen: do you go to scary movies yourself? >> i do. but it's a production if gito a scary movie. >> stephen: do you mean? >> my girlfriends know

>> they did, yes. >> stephen: they did. >> isis didn't change it. >> stephen: no.the group has no affiliation with the show, but they love it. they do love the show. like, i know for a fact that isis are big fans and -- >> stephen: that's great. >> it's a fine line because i-- we appreciate the support. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, right. yeah, exactly. >> but you gotta, like, yeah. i can't hang out. ( laughter ). >> stephen: no, no. you also are bob in "bob's burgers." i am. >> ( applause ). >> thank you. >> stephen: we have a clip. we heard archer. let's hear bob. >> okay. >> you could be a little more independent, and we could not give you money so much. so, so much money. >> i-- i just want mr. business to be happy. ( sighs ). >> i guess i see your point. you care more about your cat than you do about money, and that's actually nice. even though it's really our money you don't care about. ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, that is-- that's a huge. ( cheers and applause ) that's quite a range you have here there between archer and bob. how do you make the differen

captioning sponsored by cbs >> hey, stephen. >> stephen: yeah, paul. >> i wonder what that president trump is up to now. >> stephen: probably something crazy. tell you what, instead of talking about it, let's watch a clip. >> not seeing anything, stephen. >> stephen: oh, that's right. the department is run by two women, anne and emery. >> what are we going to do? >> stephen: this is act out what trump said using sock puppets. >> good idea. oh, wait a minute. that's maggie. maggie runs props. >> stephen: right. >> why not just tell me the story. >> stephen: i don't know the story because gloria runs the research department which is blythe, gary and jerry. >> just ask jerry. >> stephen: jerry is a woman. hair, makeup, and wardrobe are dements run by women. let's read the script written by only the male writers. "open on vol tranand chewbacca team up to drive monster trucks with their penises. that's really good. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes mark halperin and john heilemann michael ian black and cat behaviorist, jackson galaxy. featuring jon ba

>> stephen: he's so clever.his is great news for me because, if trump thinks the leaks are coming from obama, then he hasn't caught on to my super secret source in the white house. which means it's time for another edition of "late show presidential leak-rets." ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to late show presidential super secret source, high up in the trump administration. to protect his identity, we have dimmed the lights, and put him or her behind a screen. hello, anonymous source. >> hello, stephen. >> stephen: i'm glad your voice is still disguised. >> me too. the machine has two settings. it has this low mode, or, i can switch it... to a jon batiste setting. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: wow, that really sounds like him. >> yeah. where ya at, y'all? hoo! ( laughter ) >> stephen: so what's the mood of the white house right now? >> well, you know the phrase "whistling past the graveyard?" >> stephen: yeah. i've heard that. >> it's like that, but no whistling. it's all graveyard. >> stephen: so the

>> stephen: this is true. and unlike these massages, the trump presidency may not have a happy ending. now-- so i hear. so i hear. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: i don't know about that one. >> stephen: i've always known the constitution is tough on massage parlors. that's why george washington had to close "papa george's ye olde tannery and tug shoppe." ( laughter ) now, we don't really know his motives here. evidently, "many companies register trademarks in china to prevent others from using their. names." so we might not have the kind of president who opens chinese escort services, but we definitely have the kind who knows his name would be perfect for one. ( laughter ) there is also-- there is also a little bit of controversy swirling around trump's new head of the environmental protection agency, former oklahoma attorney general and bargain bin george w. bush, scott pruitt. he is a man who knows the e.p.a. extremely well, because he's sued it 14 times. and yesterday, pruitt made headlines for what he sa

and, i need more. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow. >> she was-- >> stephen: wow.n: that's what you want. >> yeah, you know, i've got to push her to be her best. >> stephen: did you go to work with your dad, ever? >> i did. >> stephen: which was more fun? >> well, ah, it's hard. it's hard because they're both fun for different reasons. like, my dad, going to work with my dad was fun because i got to eat a lot of candy. my mom-- >> stephen: why candy at your dad's? >> because it was a studio, so there's just candy for the crew. you know, and my dad wasn't as strict with, you know, what i ate, so i could sneak candy all the time. it was much easier to do it at my dad's work. >> stephen: all right. now, since your dad, you know, was a former n.f.l. player, and a big guy, did that intimidate, like, boyfriends, when you were younger? did that scare off anybody? >> it didn't scare off anybody. i think everyone kind of played it cool. but, yeah, i can imagine it was pretty intimidating. for my fianceÉ now, it was prety intimidating. he had to-- he facetimed my dad the day

>> stephen: good.ook nice, all dressed up in a vest and everything. >> i'm very impressed with myself. i can't remember the last time i wore a vest. >> stephen: i look like i'm about to take a loan out from you. >> we'll review your file and i promise we'll be fair. >> stephen: any questions? you're the guest. >> i'm not going to tip you off before hand. we'll see how you're doing then let you know in seven to ten business days how you're doing. >> stephen: is that your water? it's still yours. you're a master of voice. everybody knows you from the simpsons playing the characters. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: are you your own greatest source of joy and amusement? >> on so many levels, yes, stephen, i am. >> stephen: you can wile away the hourored, you've got yourself to listen to. >> i certainly got myself through my childhood mimicking whatever came my way. >> stephen: before the internet, that was your handheld device? >> absolutely. >> stephen: we all had a hand-held device as a

time now. >> stephen: yeah.my middle name is large penis. ( applause ) ( laughter ) >> that's my middle name. >> stephen: that's pretty great. congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: you also, you, obviously, you wrote, directed and starred in "super troopers." >> yeah. >> stephen: 16 years ago, great film. >> thank you. >> stephen: crazy funny. thank you. >> stephen: the sequel is coming out this year? >> yeah, maybe the summer or fall. >> stephen: why 16 years between the two films? >> it's hard to make a movie, right? it's hard to raise the money. we had to crowd fund the sequel. we went out to the audience and we raised $4.7 million from them. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: better than applause. did you promise them tickets to the premiere? >> yeah, the premiere, you could be an extra in the film, we would name a character after you. the indecent proposalle, for $24 million, one of us would father a child with your wife. it's still available. >> stephen: naming rights still available. >> still availa

( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the "late show." ( cheers and applause ) whoo! ( piano riff ) thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. well, the g.o.p.'s new healthcare bill cleared its first hurdle early this morning, when it was passed by the house ways and means committee, after roughly 18 hours of debate. and anyone who's spent 18 hours trying to pass something knows -- ( laughter ) -- knows what you get at the end. >> jon: oh! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: very generous. >> jon: generous, generous. >> stephen: very generous with your applause. thank you. ( laughter ) apparently, members were up until 4:00 a.m., which might explain why things got a little loopy. ( laughter ) like these late night musings from representative jason smith. >> you could tax a lot of different items if you want to stop behavior. you know, i love ice cream. ice cream is probably not the most healthy thing to eat. why is there not a tax on t

it's tuesday. >> stephen: right you are, my friend. >> i'm sorry, stephen. >> stephen: don't worry about it. hey, as long as you're here, i'd love-- i'm a huge fan! i'd love to do a comedy bit with yo >> oh, i'd love to, but if this is tuesday, then i'm shooting a movie in l.a. right now. >> stephen: i'll tell you what, how about this. i have an idea. i'm available last thursday to pretape something. are you free back then? >> absolutely. >> stephen: great, let's have done it. >> it will have been a pleasure. >> stephen: ryan reynolds, everybody! stick around. we've got a great show. josh lucas is here. but when we return, i'll ponder big questions with a surprise celebrity guest. who could it be? who could it be? fortified.tored. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see. adios, honey, hasta la vista, baby. (sing-songy) i'm a fat guy in a little coat. fat guy in a little coat. that rug really tied the room together. any questions? bueller? bueller?