stephen colbert. tonight, we welcome john mike ber big leah, and michael showalter featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live from the ed sullivan in new york city it is stephen colbert. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hi, how are you? what's going on, chris, please v a seat, please have a seat, everybody. welcome. oh, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: oh ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show, i'm your host, stephen colbert. let me ask y question. everybody feeling good? (cheers and applause). >> stephen: well, clearly, clearly you do not work in the white house. because it is wednesday, and you know what they call that at the white house, we are so humped day. let me explain to you why. let me remind you, recap the last couple of days. you know the whole trump campaign colluded with russia to influence or election and the didn't happen, don't know what you're talking about. well, turns out it did, and they do. because yesterday donald trump, jr. released ema

stephen colbert. let me ask you a personal question. everybody feeling good? (cheers and applause). >> stephen: well, clearly, clearly you do not work in the white house. because it is wednesday, and you know what they call that at the white house, we are so humped day. let me explain to you why. let me remind you, recap the last couple of days. you know the whole trump campaign colluded with russia to influence or election and the didn't happen, don't know what you're talking about. well, turns out it did, and they do. because yesterday donald trump, jr. released emails explicitly detailing an invitation by the russian government to collude, and his enthusiastic acceptance, quote, i love it! oh, oh don, not as much as i do. (laughter) (cheers and applause) yeah, yeah. now listen, just to give you, okay, so that was yesterday, that was yesterday, we have had a full news cycle to give you a sense of the fallout let me present you with a bouquet of early blooming headlines. the white house is paralyzed.

>> stephen: right. voting? >> oh, no. >> stephen: we tried that one.people who do like the president, they told you to go back to canada because, spoiler alert, you're from vancouver. >> i'm from vancouver, british columbia. >> stephen: are you ever tempted? have you thought about blowing this popsicle stand and go back north? >> i haven't been tempted. not yet. our prime minister is the most-- he's available. i call trump stump. that's a funny. i think his biggest supporters would rather bang the prime minister of canada than him even, i would imagine, if given the choice. i would. >> stephen: you know what? a lot of people are just looking for a guy to make 'em laugh. >> that's true. that's why they would both choose me. but they're legalizing weed the next year in canada, which is great. >> stephen: in vancouver, i have been to vancouver, you can't say it's not legal there. >> it's legal in vancouver. >> stephen: on camera, people were trying to throw weed at me. nothing happened to them. >> sounds fantastic. yeah, i'm from there. yeah, that's why i

>> stephen: hey! this sunday, the mooch hit the ground running with some great ideas for press secretary and sorority girl at rave party who's ecstasy just kicked in, ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) sarah huckabee sanders. >> i want to do everything i can to make her better at that podium, i think she's phenomenal there now, but like every athlete training for the olympics every day we got to make ourselves incrementally better. the only thing i'd ask sarah, sarah, if you're watching, i love the hair and make-up person that we had on friday, i would love to continue to use the hair and make-up person. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: oh, he's going to fit in with the trump administration just fine ( applause ) hey! and you could smile more. would that hurt so much? you're so pretty when you smile. ( laughter ) scaramucci tried to explain his comment later, saying, "for the record, i was referring to my hair and make up and the fact that i like the make up artist. i need all the help i can get! #hu

>> stephen: you'll come?/i> ) you're all my children now. ( laughter ) as i said, this is father's day. and i'll admit that it's okay that i'm going to be alone because father's day is not as important as mother's day. okay. it's not. no, guys, grow up. ( laughter ) sure we dads teach kids about lawn care and the importance of burying your feelings, but we did not give them life. we did not pass our child through our body like a canned ham. ( laughter ) but after you buy dad his new tie that also serves as a barbecue tongs, it's always nice to add a thoughtful father's day card. if you haven't picked yours up yet, please don't sweat it. because right now, i'm going to show you this year's hottest father's day cards, and their not-so-great beginnings, in a special fathers day edition of "first drafts!" ♪ ♪ ( applause ) okay, always on "first drafts," i have someone from the audience help me. so could i see a show of hands? do we have any fathers in the audience today who might want

>> stephen! >> stephen: please, have a seat. you're too kind. well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show, i'm your host, stephen colbert. well, donald trump is in france right now and i feel, je ne sais quoi, if you know what i mean. i don't, cuz i don't speak french. and i don't blame donald trump from skipping town. the man has had a really rough week. his son admitted to colluding with russia. his health-care plan is looking dead in the water. and his press secretary still has his head stuck in that honey pot. (laughter) so. >> jon: honey pot. >> stephen: trump is now in paris and is he going to be so disappointed once he learns thatoutout doesn't-- ou ou doesn't mean what he thinks it does. it is just an allegation, jon. and today trump met with france's elegant first lady brigitte macron and of course he treated her like any other woman, by objectifying her. >> >> stephen: bad donald. no! bad. this is not one of your european wife shopping trips. this is business. (laughter) (applause) he's got to learn. the man has got to learn h

>> love. >> stephen: love. >> all you need is love, stephen. >> stephen: and $9 billion. alright, we need to put a line to describe yourself. i'm gonna put down, "i made my fortune mining, but i haven't found my gem." they're gonna melt. hobbies? let's see, hobbies. i'll put down watching horrible, horrible basketball, oligarching you're gonna be beating them off with a stick. we're gonna find you the right girl. >> okay. >> stephen: mikhail, if it's possible i would love to get a tour of your house. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: shall we? >> sure we have no secret rooms here. >> stephen: i didn't ask that which is odd. is this where the magic happens? is this where the magic happens? oh, this is where the magic happens. okay, what is this? you said there were no secret rooms. >> it's not secret. >> stephen: it's not a secret? >> it's just another door. >> stephen: what is this? >> it's kalashnikov. >> stephen: ak-47 can i just stand-- just me-- a picture of me and an oligarch holding an ak-47? eventually when i'm brought up before the hague i want to look nice. oh, japanes

>> stephen: i'll watch it! >> stephen! >> stephen: "love connection" airs thursdays on fox. back with "the daily show's" jordan klepper. stick around. in our house, we go through a lot of toilet paper. mom! so we switched to new charmin super mega roll. get six regular rolls in one with charmin super mega roll our longest lasting roll. guaranteed to fit. enjoy the go with charmin. [dale there's one.uawk] what is that? it's my dale call. [engine revving sounds] that's way better than my duck call. if you're on a diet of taking it up a notch... it's just different. drink diet dew. the only diet with dew in it. ♪ ♪ (engine revving) (screams) man: woo hoo! join in on the fun and cash in on the deals at the chevy 4th of july sales event. man: this is a fast car. man 2: oh, boy! enjoy the ride while making no monthly payments for the rest of the summer on these exciting chevy vehicles. or, for a limited time, get 0% financing for 72 months on these 2017 models. or get 20% below msrp on 2017 impala premier and sonic lt. find new roads at the chevy 4th of july sales event. ♪...nause

>> yes. >> stephen: mr. the gentleman from south carolina would like to introduce a resolution that i get to jack-slap mr. shkreli until he is de-doucheified." ( cheers and applause ) here's the deal. skhreli is on trial, and this week, right down here in brooklyn, they began jury selection for skhreli's trial on securities fraud. but there's a big problem. martin shkreli can't find jurors who don't already hate him. potential jurors who don't know him even said stuff like, "i looked right at him, and in my head, i said 'that's a snake.'" ( applause ) this is true. this is absolutely true. even the courtroom sketch artist couldn't resist making shkreli look like gollum is on trial for like pooping in a mall fountain. evidently, people cannot stand his face. maybe he should cover it with something that makes him look more innocent. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. stick around. why not? look at that! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) when you're close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever

>> stephen:. >> stephen: the whale.nd, i'm just talking about in terms of their size and how strong they are is an april. they are vegetarian. horses, they eat grass. i mean -- >> stephen: i'd like to see a horse fight an that would be fun. >> yeah, that would be cool. but i'm just saying, you know, not that you don't need protein, but you don't hear people dying of lack of protein, people are getting too much protein. >> stephen: okay, all right. o fruits, vegetables, you know, you're going to live large in the next 17 days. >> stephen: pop tarts. that kind of thing? >> pop tarts? >> stephen: i don't think there is any meat in a pop tart. can i have a pop tart? ( laughter ) if there is meat in a pop tart, tell me now. >> there's going to be dairy in a pop tart. >> stephen: there can be no dairy? >> well, you're going vegan, man. >> stephen: i guess so. pop tart, your go-to food, huh? ( laughter ) >> stephen: speaking of pop tarts, you don't smoke weed >> i don't smoke any less. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) no,

>> stephen: what? can i keep it? >> stephen: yeah, sure, why not. >> stephen: yeah, sure, why not.riday. woody harrelson, everybody! you know, that actually reminds me, steve. i got you something. aloha! mangoes can get sunburned. put some flavor in your break- with new snapple mango tea- make time for snapple. four seconds on the clock, championship on the line. erin "the sharpshooter" shanahan fakes left. she's outside of the key, she shoots... ...she scores! uh... yes, erin, it is great time to score a deal. we need to make room for the 2018 models. relive the thrill of beating the clock. the volkswagen model year end event. hurry in for a $1,000 bonus and 0% apr on a new 2017 jetta or passat. sometimes you capture the moment, and sometimes it captures you. experience moe as a member. the marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries, so no matter where you go, you are here. when you you act fast.er, boo. so do we. raid kills roaches seven times faster than the next leading ant and roach spray. seven times faster? (gasps) raid! get raid and get tough on roaches fast. sc

name is stephen colbert. >> my name is stephen colbert. >> stephen: that's real good.real good. >> stephen: i never met a girl like you before. >> i never met a girl like you before. >> stephen: do you want to arm wrestle? ( applause ) that's lovely. >> i like an irish accent. >> stephen: that's tough for americans to do. >> ddo you like your coffee blak or white. >> stephen: south african is the hardest because it slips into australian for us. you go below the equator and we're totally lost. ( laughter ) did you pretend you have an accent when you meet strangers. >> when i meet somebody i go offgrid and switch into accents and for them to guess where i'm from, it freaks people out. >> stephen: where in england are you from? >> london. >> stephen: standard english accent. >> most people think i'm australian. i'm, like, sure. >> stephen: there's no canning roorks you don't have a knife. >> i don't. i'm not putting shrimp on the barbee. >> stephen: we both rock a hard eyebrow game. >> we both model. >> stephen: a little bit. i just do it for sport. ( laughter ) they ask

stephen fallon!we've seen each other around town but we've not sat down in a professional way since last summer. >> since last summer, yes. >> stephen: you were on one of our live convention shows, the g.o.p. >> that's right, yes. >> stephen: you were donald trump's one black delegate. >> one black delegate, yes. and i think i was from someplace crazy like maine, or wisconsin. >> stephen: exactly. and you got arrested. and how has the year been? how has the year been for you? >> the year's been very good. i mean, i spent is it majority of it in a deep fog, in a profound depression. no, we were working on "friends from college" when the election happened. >> stephen: that's your netflix series. >> the netflix series i'm on now. what was interesting because the end of that day was interesting because we were shooting, it was so funny, because it would be, like, listen, i don't know if you understand where i'm coming from. and, cut, and everyone would run to a tv and watch the tv. no, what -- is this fi

it's ridiculous. >> stephen: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that is, obviously, a joke. ( laughter ) it's also a great replacement for viagra. ( laughter ) and it must have been a great rally last night, because today trump tweeted: "the crowd in ohio was amazing last night-- broke all records." yes, it was the largest crowd ever assembled at the 6,000-person capacity covelli centre. so, i assume they broke the record for "most 6,000"? but remember, he said it "broke all records." i assume he had the world's tallest, longest fingernails guy, the fat motorcycle twins. also, somehow it was the highest grossing bollywood film of all time. trump took the opportunity to answer his critics. >> sometimes they say he doesn't act presidential. in fact, i said, "it is much easier, by the way, to act presidential than what we are doing here tonight, believe me. >> stephen: because what we are doing here tonight is an absolute embarrassment to the office. believe me. this is not presidential at all. ( applause

of stephen's brain. >> stephen: absolutely.the show is over. >> and they say i wish i'd written this. it's a collaborative art. it's about the pope's choir and got to spend, again, four days in rome. >> stephen: did you see the pope? >> i saw him, met him, shook hands, pretty nice. i'm protestant. >> stephen: you're a catholic now. >> that's right. that's first step to conversion. >> stephen: it's like a contact tie diswhr. >> exactly. you just went to a place i love, actually, which is russia. i went to st. petersburg and went over to interview putin. >> stephen: you have interviewed putin twice, right? >> i have, indeed. once in wonderful, lovely city. >> stephen: it is a lovely city, yeah, yeah. what do you make of him? having met him and sat down and talked with him twice, what is he like as a person? >> to his credit, he was engaged. he answered the questions-- i'm not sure they were all truthful. for example i said to him, "there's a saying in moscow, once a k.g.b. agent, always a k.g.b. agent." he said, "that's true. thi

looking very fresh. >> jon: i like the tie. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen!e a second chanting, i'm not proud. now, folks, before the commercial break, i was standing over there with the legs, and i was talking about attorney general jeff sessions not answering questions at his hearing yesterday. he was being "vewwy, vewwy quiet." ( laughter ) uh-huh. but he did-- it's an easy change, isn't it? ( laughter ) but he did answer this one question from maine senator angus king. >> do you believe the russians interfered with the 2016 elections? >> it appears so. the intelligence community seems to be united in that, but i have to tell you, senator king, i know nothing but what i've read in the paper. >> stephen: so, the top criminal investigator in the united states gets his intel from newspapers? "i will say to you, senator, i do not think we should investigate russia because my horoscope here says it's a bad time for capricorns to start new projects. all right? my moon is in aries right now." ( cheers and applause ) but senator king kept going. >> there was a mem

>> stephen: willie?one away from me. >> stephen: he wouldn't read it to you? >> i think he might have felt uncomfortable to show it to me at first. >> stephen: why do you think he did this? what do you think was in his head? >> i think i was mocking his fake magazine cover hanging in one of his country clubs. we were on the air joking about it. i can feel it. i know him well enough to know it's that kind of thing that gets under his skin. he can be played very easily which is very concerning. >> showing anger towards donald trump, letting him know that you're outraged, that's what he wants. when you mock him, when mika was joking about the "time" magazine cover -- >> which is hilarious. ( laughter ) >> it is, it is. that's what really makes him the angriest. he watches the show, you know, as you were goring about it before, but he does watch it and it drives him absolutely crazy. but he has this rage about mika. he did this last summer during the middle of the campaign, too. sent out all of these tweets.

i'm stephen colbert. end of a long week for donald trump, jr. ( laughter ) he hasn't been under this much stress since his first job interview. "i see here on your resume that you're my son. special skills, having my same name. you're hired." ( laughter ) and it's looking more and more like that meeting with the russian lawyer might not just mean trouble for donald trump, jr., but also the other campaign staff he invited, paul manafort and jared kushner. eric trump wasn't invited, because they were afraid he'd try to take off the russian lawyer's head to see if there were more lawyers nesting inside. ( applause ) ( piano riff ) too dangerous. they could not risk it. international incident is what that would be. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: and who was the international operative who set up this clandestine meeting? none other than music publicist and old guy at the rave no one wants to dance with, rob goldstone. goldstone runs a public relations company in england named "oui 2." which is also what trump alle

he's strong. >> stephen: now you have kids. >> i do. >> stephen: two. >> three, we have three. >> stephenr own society. >> stephen: you are going into a zone defense against your kids. >> we have. >> stephen: how old are they? >> 11 and nine and six. i forgot. >> stephen: they have a sense what mom does? >> they have a sense. >> stephen: do they watch the show? >> they do not watch the show, it's a tirty show. they don't think i'm cool. they have no interest in it whatsoever. >> stephen: are you sure they don't watch the show? >> they don't watch the show not because i don't want to impress them. they don't care, about me at all! >> stephen: do they keep up with the news like their mom? >> they do. >> stephen: how do they keep up with the craziness or this is just the world? >> they draw pictures of it. >> stephen: they do? >> they do. >> stephen: and they show the pictures to the counselors? >> it's hovering. >> stephen: you do use salty language on your show? don't talk like mommy? >> they do love salty language, that doesn't come from me. they just know it, they absorb it. i can get th

stephen, stephen -- >> stephen: yes?egment and the game called "the russian russian roulette." please. ♪ >> stephen: what's this? >> we spin, you take the shot that the arrow points to. and then let's toast-- we like to toast here in russia. you toast russia, and i will toast america. let's try. >> stephen: oh, i'd love to, i'd love to. what do we do with the pickles? ( applause ) >> no, no, no, no. you will find out in the process. you will return a different man to america, a different man. your life will change. come on, spin. well, go ahead. please. okay, easy. that's it. uh-huh. well, probably this one. please. take it out carefully. well, say a toast, drink, and then i'll show you what to do with the pickles. >> stephen: to the beautiful and friendly russian people. i don't understand why no members of the trump administration can remember meeting you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen. and now right away, right away, right away you eat it. that's it. excellent. give me this shot. >> stephen: is this all vodka? >>

stephen. kelly, tell me about the damaging information on clinton. >> don said he didn't know the name of the person he was meeting. >> does he often meet with random strangers. >> standard operating procedure for the campaign. >> he accepts meeting with mystery guests? it would be reince priebus in mask or drifter with an axe? why did he agree to this meeting? >> he agreed to the meeting based on a contact from the miss universe pageant. >> why is a contact from miss universe setting up campaign meetings? did trump think there was a swimsuit edition to the campaigns? >> the deaf of collusion -- at the conversation is real, the collusion is not. >> but the conversation was about collusion. oh! oh, wait, i'm sorry. i understand. you're lying! okay. i'm going to wrap this up because talking to you is like staring into the mouth of madness. final question, kellyanne conway, how do you think our viewers will sum up our interview tonight? >> no information meaningful and helpful was gained from thi

>> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions"!lause ) ♪ ♪ standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. forgive me, audience, i never go to the gym, so i bought a home gym. now i never go home. ( laughter ) i'm about eight reminders away from considering rescheduling my next dental visit. ( laughter ) sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes when i wake up from a beautiful dream, i feel a little sad... when i see the car i just rear- ended. ( laughter ) i don't always drink beer, but when i do, i make up for all the times i don't. ( laughter ) audience, i have never pre- heated the oven a single second longer than it takes to open a roll of cookie dough. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) forgive me, audience, i took a much smaller bite in rehearsal. ( laughter ) ah! if you're hitchhiking and i pick you up, it's only because i think i can take you in a knife fight. ( laughter ) sometimes, sometimes, audience, someti

but stephen wrote it."d it's about the pope's choir and you got to spend four days in rome. >> stephen: spend time with the pope? >> saw him, met him, shook hands with him. pretty nice. i'm protestant. >> stephen: you shook the pope's hand >> it's the first step to conversion. >> stephen: it's a contact high. >> you went to a place i love, which is russia. i went to st. petersburg and went over to interview putin. >> stephen: you have interviewed putin twice? >> i have, indeed. once in st. petersburg air, wonderful, lovely sea. >> stephen: tais lovely city. yeah, yeah. what do you make of him. after having sat down and talked to him twice what, is he like as a person? >> to his credit, he was engaged. he answered the questions. i'm not sure they're all truthful. i said there's a saying in moscow, "once a k.g.b. spd agent, always a k.g.b. agent." and he said, "that's true. things i learned in the k.g.b. have never gone away from me. >> stephen: like undermining the united states. >> maybe. and after the inte

>> stephen: okay? say what you want about o.j., he never met with sergei kislyak. ( laughter ) unlike his buddy, here. ( audience reacts ) come on, now! don't be too harsh. that was 1993, when it was a coin toss which one of those guys would end up president and which would end up in jail. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) maybe both! might get a two fer! speaking of which, it's also the sixth month anniversary of trump's inauguration. ( audience booing ) i'm not sure what you give for six months. i know i'm taking xanax. ( laughter ) i can't believe it's just six months. it seems to have longer than six months, doesn't it? it's crazy. one of our staffers had a baby born on inauguration day, and here's that same baby today. ( laughter ) ettes all the stress. it's the cortisol. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: he'll be fine. ( laughter ) well, to celebrate lasting six months, yesterday, donald trump gave an interview to the "failing new york times." ( laughter ) first, trump talked about senate republ