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>> stephen: (bleep). >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen!) >> stephen: oh! oh! >> so, stephen. >> stephen: yes! ask me a question. >> you've been very vocal about your faith and catholicism over the years. >> stephen: yes. >> do you oong who whatdo you think hell is actually like? and do you think it might involve death sauce with liquid rage. >> stephen: there would be a bottle of that and none of this available, i think. oh, my god. hell is the absence of god's love. and i want to ask god whatever dito deserve this, please forgive me. okay. ( cheers and applause ) oh, (bleep). oh, my god! sean, thank you. >> stephen: you can see new episodes of "hot ones" on thursdays on "first we feast's" website. sean evans, everybody! >> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be robert pattinson, david tennant, and niecy nash. now stick around for james corden and his guests, john boyega and jeffrey tambor. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.o
>> stephen: (bleep). >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen!) >> stephen: oh! oh! >> so, stephen. >> stephen: yes! ask me a question. >> you've been very vocal about your faith and catholicism over the years. >> stephen: yes. >> do you oong who whatdo you think hell is actually like? and do you think it might involve death sauce with liquid rage. >> stephen: there would be a bottle of that and none of this available, i...
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Aug 23, 2017
08/17
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> stephen: back to the olden days. >> way back. >> stephen: back to the '90s. >> yeah. >> stephen: we. >> that's right. >> stephen: one of the drunkest i have ever been was at your wrap party. >> i remember it well. >> stephen: you do? >> i do. >> stephen: you literally remember? >> it was in tribeca. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, yeah and were you serving a drink called the black death. and i decided to have it. >> i remember it. >> stephen: then shortly after that i went to my supervising producer here, paul, that night and i said the words, "hide me." ( laughter ) 'cause i knew i was not fit for public consumption. so thank you for that. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: one of the most humiliating nights of my entire life. ( laughter ) you and i actually did a sketch show together briefly. >> yes, we did. >> stephen: which i had totally forgotten about. >> random play. >> stephen: but you remembered it, and not only that, but did you pay money for these? >> no, i had that. this is interesting. i had these video cassettes, which i hadn't watched since we made the show, i don't own a vcr any
> stephen: back to the olden days. >> way back. >> stephen: back to the '90s. >> yeah. >> stephen: we. >> that's right. >> stephen: one of the drunkest i have ever been was at your wrap party. >> i remember it well. >> stephen: you do? >> i do. >> stephen: you literally remember? >> it was in tribeca. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, yeah and were you serving a drink called the black death. and i decided to have it. >> i...
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Aug 22, 2017
08/17
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it's ridiculous. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that is, obviously, a joke. ( laughter ) it's also a great replacement for viagra. ( laughter ) and it must have been a great rally last night, because today trump tweeted: yes, it was the largest crowd ever assembled at the 6,000- person capacity covelli centre. so, i assume they broke the record for "most 6,000?" but remember, he said it "broke all records." i assume he had the world's tallest man, longest fingernails guy, the fat motorcycle twins. also, somehow it was the highest grossing bollywood film of all time. trump took the opportunity to answer his critics. >> sometimes they say he doesn't act presidential. in fact, i said, "it is much easier, by the way, to act presidential than what we are doing here tonight," believe me. >> stephen: because what we are doing here tonight is an absolute embarrassment to the office. believe me. this is not presidential at all. ( applause ) and, of course, as to be expected, donald trump was very
it's ridiculous. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that is, obviously, a joke. ( laughter ) it's also a great replacement for viagra. ( laughter ) and it must have been a great rally last night, because today trump tweeted: yes, it was the largest crowd ever assembled at the 6,000- person capacity covelli centre. so, i assume they broke the record for "most 6,000?" but remember, he said...
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Aug 9, 2017
08/17
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>> stephen: (bleep). >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen!> stephen: oh! oh! >> so, stephen. >> stephen: yes! ask me a question. >> you've been very vocal about your faith and catholicism over the years. >> stephen: yes. >> do you oong who whatdo you think hell is actually like? and do you think it might involve death sauce with liquid rage. >> stephen: there would be a bottle of that and none of this available, i think. oh, my god. hell is the absence of god's dito deserve this, please forgive me. okay. ( cheers and applause ) oh, (bleep). oh, my god! sean, thank you. >> stephen: you can see new episodes of "hot ones" on thursdays on "first we feast's" website. sean evans, everybody! there's nothing like being out in nature. big sky. cool air. a chance to breathe. you gaze at the setting sun and think... oh, i should turn on the lights at home. and back to the deep breathing. enjoy the moment, wherever you are with the hive smart home plans from $9.99 a month. hive. let's get living. fios is not cable. we're a 100% fiber optic network. an
>> stephen: (bleep). >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen!> stephen: oh! oh! >> so, stephen. >> stephen: yes! ask me a question. >> you've been very vocal about your faith and catholicism over the years. >> stephen: yes. >> do you oong who whatdo you think hell is actually like? and do you think it might involve death sauce with liquid rage. >> stephen: there would be a bottle of that and none of this available, i think. oh,...
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Aug 25, 2017
08/17
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>> stephen: no rehearsal! last week, north korea conducted their second long range missile test in four weeks. this is a serious threat. but don't worry. this morning, the president had words of reassurance. >> we'll handle north korea. we're gonna be able to handle them. it'll be-- it will be handled. we handle everything. ( laughter ) ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: we're so screwed. ( laughter ) now, north korea launched the missile on friday, and trump leapt into action 24 hours later, retaliating with this thermonuclear tweet: "i am very disappointed in china. our foolish past leaders have allowed them to make hundreds of billions of dollars a year in trade, yet-- dot, dot, dot..." ( laughter ) "...dot, dot, dot, they do 'nothing' for us with north korea, just talk. we will no longer allow this to continue. china could easily solve this problem!" oh, yeah, demanding another country solve your problems is classic leadership. i mean, in the words of abraham lincoln, "a house divided against itself cannot st
>> stephen: no rehearsal! last week, north korea conducted their second long range missile test in four weeks. this is a serious threat. but don't worry. this morning, the president had words of reassurance. >> we'll handle north korea. we're gonna be able to handle them. it'll be-- it will be handled. we handle everything. ( laughter ) ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: we're so screwed. ( laughter ) now, north korea launched the missile on friday, and trump leapt into action 24...
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Aug 9, 2017
08/17
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>> stephen: (bleep). >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen!ephen: oh! oh! >> so, stephen. >> stephen: yes! ask me a question. >> you've been very vocal about your faith and catholicism over the years. >> stephen: yes. >> do you oong who whatdo you think hell is actually like? and do you think it might involve death sauce with liquid rage. >> stephen: there would be a bottle of that and none of this available, i think. oh, my god. hell is the absence of god's love. and i want to ask god whatever dito deserve this, please forgive me. okay. ( cheers and applause ) oh, (bleep). oh, my god! sean, thank you. >> stephen: you can see new episodes of "hot ones" on thursdays on "first we feast's" website. and i'm an arborist with i'pg&e in the sierras. the drought in california has killed trees on a massive scale. any of those trees that fail into power lines could cause a wildfire or a power outage. public safety is the main goal of our program. that's why we're out removing these hundreds of thousands of hazard trees. having tools and technology gives
>> stephen: (bleep). >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen!ephen: oh! oh! >> so, stephen. >> stephen: yes! ask me a question. >> you've been very vocal about your faith and catholicism over the years. >> stephen: yes. >> do you oong who whatdo you think hell is actually like? and do you think it might involve death sauce with liquid rage. >> stephen: there would be a bottle of that and none of this available, i think. oh, my...
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Aug 10, 2017
08/17
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>> stephen: but?g me back in, yes. >> stephen: even though you have claws. >> wait a minute, what's the voice? i never-- okay, wait. claaaw. >> stephen: they look dangerous almost. on the show-- on the show, these are quite lovely. on the show they're even more dangerous looking. >> oh, very much. but i'm going to borrow that from you-- claaaws. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. nice to see you. the "claws" season finale airs this sunday on tnt. niecy nash, everybody! we'll be right back. late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be millie bobby brown jim jeffries, and musical guest zeshan b. now stick around for james corden and his guests elizabeth olsen and maya rudolph. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >
>> stephen: but?g me back in, yes. >> stephen: even though you have claws. >> wait a minute, what's the voice? i never-- okay, wait. claaaw. >> stephen: they look dangerous almost. on the show-- on the show, these are quite lovely. on the show they're even more dangerous looking. >> oh, very much. but i'm going to borrow that from you-- claaaws. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. nice to see you. the "claws" season finale airs this...
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Aug 15, 2017
08/17
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>> stephen: yeah. that was caught by a "wall street journal" photographer, which was a great interview with the "wall street journal." the weird thing about my relationship with reince is we were pretty good friends when i was a political donor writing checks to the r.n.c. but once i was about to enter the administration, for whatever reason, it was a little more adversarial. >> stephen: you thought he was one of the leakers. >> i did. >> stephen: he's gone, right? who's leaking now? is it steve bannon? >> well, i've said that. >> stephen: say it now. listen, i have been pretty open about that. >> stephen: is steve bannon a leaker? >> he got caught on tape saying that. >> stephen: is he going to be gone in a week? >> if it was up to me he would be gone but it's not up to me. >> stephen: you said he's trying to suck his own (bleep). ( cheers and applause ) >> are you allowed to say that? >> stephen: they said it was cool. they said i could say it tonight. >> mom, i'm sorry i said that. although he autog
>> stephen: yeah. that was caught by a "wall street journal" photographer, which was a great interview with the "wall street journal." the weird thing about my relationship with reince is we were pretty good friends when i was a political donor writing checks to the r.n.c. but once i was about to enter the administration, for whatever reason, it was a little more adversarial. >> stephen: you thought he was one of the leakers. >> i did. >> stephen:...
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Aug 11, 2017
08/17
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this is a fun chat, stephen. >> stephen: it is.iving, gigs on the road. same thing in australia? >> it is. but we only have a population of 20 million. so sydney has two comedy clubs, not a lot of stage, so you have to go into the country a bit. i started doing runs of gold mining towns in australia which are very interesting places. everyone is doing a lot of money. nine men to every woman in every one of these towns. >> stephen: you dig at a gold mining town? >> a big hole -- >> stephen: it's like late 19th century. >> you have coal miners, trump has been talking about him a bit. i don't understand the whole thing of coal miners losing their jobs. they're already miners, just dig for something else. how long is this refresher course? ( applause ) >> stephen: yoe you're a diamond miner now, so you're looking for black and dusty. now look for shiny. course done. you go into the gold minus in australia and it's nine men to every woman. you go into the barracks of the men and so it doesn't look like a gay bar, they have a female bart
this is a fun chat, stephen. >> stephen: it is.iving, gigs on the road. same thing in australia? >> it is. but we only have a population of 20 million. so sydney has two comedy clubs, not a lot of stage, so you have to go into the country a bit. i started doing runs of gold mining towns in australia which are very interesting places. everyone is doing a lot of money. nine men to every woman in every one of these towns. >> stephen: you dig at a gold mining town? >> a big...
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Aug 15, 2017
08/17
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>> stephen: yeah.ity boy. >> stephen: well the video shows him taking a me shouldn't have.ng hee you know what? let's just watch it. >> yeah, i would like to see this, yes! let me see it! >> stephen:im? hey! comrades! all right! how you doing? good to see ya! thanks for coming by the odenkirk tower. i'm bobby i'm my daddy's emmy campaign strategist. he's a good man, my bad. oh, there he is! gotta kiss the picture! now, we're here to talk about what you can do for me to help my daddy win at the emmys. maybe we could do a little collusion here, maybe a few major crimes, if you don't mind. ( laughter ) first off, you guys got any dirt on my daddy's emmy competition? >> emmys? why you talk to us about this? >> have yourself ane or onerkdei balls in this building right now at this point. tell me you don't have some dirt on this guy, kevin spacey, huh? he hasn't deleted any e-mlsai g? >> we were told this would be about the russian adoption. >> okay, adoption -- hey, how about an odenkirk pork chop? they're
>> stephen: yeah.ity boy. >> stephen: well the video shows him taking a me shouldn't have.ng hee you know what? let's just watch it. >> yeah, i would like to see this, yes! let me see it! >> stephen:im? hey! comrades! all right! how you doing? good to see ya! thanks for coming by the odenkirk tower. i'm bobby i'm my daddy's emmy campaign strategist. he's a good man, my bad. oh, there he is! gotta kiss the picture! now, we're here to talk about what you can do for me to...
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Aug 19, 2017
08/17
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>> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions!"se ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. ( laughter ) ( organ music playing ) forgive me, audience. i've never texted a picture of my genitals to a co-worker, but i have faxed a picture of my butt rash to dr. oz. ( laughter ) i thought crossfit was a way to get abs like jesus. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i'm not proud of it. i'm not proud of it. audience, audience, i think people at the grocery store who say "q-pon" instead of coupon should be forced to pay extra for their to-mah-to. ( cheers and applause ) if i'm feeling bloated, i park in the handicap zone. ( laughter ) i have never been ready for? poobl. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) also, i can tell you how to get, how to get to "sesame street." but i won't. ( laughter ) audience, last week, i went online to buy reading glasses and accidentally signed up for riding classes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) if i could take one
>> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions!"se ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. ( laughter ) ( organ music playing ) forgive me, audience. i've never texted a picture of my genitals to a co-worker, but i have faxed a picture of my butt rash to dr. oz. ( laughter ) i thought crossfit was a way to get abs like jesus. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )...
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Aug 3, 2017
08/17
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(laughter). >> stephen: but you just said the word britain. >> nope. >> stephen: okay. on another poirnghts you recently called the u.s. the high es taxed nation in the world but the data shows that is clearly denmark. >> we're the highest taxed nation in the world. we have nobody knows what the number is but i mean, it used to be when we talked during the debate, 2.5 trillion, right? when the most elegant person, right, i called him mr. elegant >> stephen: what does any of that mean? and as-- and i know this is something you actually said, but who is mr. elegant? >> i call him mr. elegant. well, how do you do? it's an absolute pleasure to make your acquaintance it is i, mr. elegant. but you can call me lord winston elegante 3 esquire. >> stephen: and who are you? >> i'm the president's imaginary friend. if you will excuse mee, i'm hosting a raging party for three million imaginary voters. >> stephen: cartoon trump and mr. elegant, everybody. stick around, we have dave chappee, ♪ ♪ the rinsable, water resistant galaxy s8. made for summer ♪ "america" by simon and garfun
(laughter). >> stephen: but you just said the word britain. >> nope. >> stephen: okay. on another poirnghts you recently called the u.s. the high es taxed nation in the world but the data shows that is clearly denmark. >> we're the highest taxed nation in the world. we have nobody knows what the number is but i mean, it used to be when we talked during the debate, 2.5 trillion, right? when the most elegant person, right, i called him mr. elegant >> stephen: what...
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Aug 26, 2017
08/17
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merit-based. >> stephen: mr. president, wherever you are today, it is not based on merit. ( applause ) but, but, donald trump could not be prouder of this bill saying, "this would be the most significant reform to the immigration system in half a century. it is a historic and very vital proposal." yes, extremely historic. we haven't had anything like this since the "whomp the irish with a stick" act of 1884. yeah, eat stick, paddy! eat stick. then, trump explained, trump explained how this bill is going to help the american worker. >> the raise act will give american workers a pay raise by reducing unskilled immigration. this legislation will not only restore our competitive edge in the 21st century, but it will restore the sacred bonds of trust between america and its citizens. >> stephen: yeah, before this bill, america had totally lost trust in its citizens. after all, citizens elected donald trump. i don't trust us. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and-- we did it. we did it. we-- did it. i'm not sure the raise act
merit-based. >> stephen: mr. president, wherever you are today, it is not based on merit. ( applause ) but, but, donald trump could not be prouder of this bill saying, "this would be the most significant reform to the immigration system in half a century. it is a historic and very vital proposal." yes, extremely historic. we haven't had anything like this since the "whomp the irish with a stick" act of 1884. yeah, eat stick, paddy! eat stick. then, trump explained,...
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. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes robert pattinson. david tennant. and niecy nash. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! please, have a seat. you're too kind. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. folks, it's great to be here tonight, great to be here. actually, it's great to be anywhere tonight. because tensions are building between president donald trump and north korean and disappointed volleyball kim jong-un. now, this is the tension i'm talking about. if you've been living under a rock for the past couple of days, i hope it's lined with lead, because this past weekend, the u.n. imposed harsh sanctions on north korea to try to get them to curb their nuclear program. north korea responded by threatening revenge on the u.s., so renowned deal artist, donald trump-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) you heard of this guy. fans. trump fans. donald trump saw their threat of apocalyps
. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes robert pattinson. david tennant. and niecy nash. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! please, have a seat. you're too kind. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. folks, it's great to be here tonight, great to be here. actually,...
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Aug 16, 2017
08/17
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up on... >> friday, the 18th. >> stephen: friday, 18th. >> the august. >> stephen: on?e. you didn't know that? >> stephen: it says showtime. i want you to be able to say it. >> you wanted me to say it. i wanted you to say it like you're my spokesperson. >> stephen: you have a comedy special coming up on the 18th on showtime. >> i do. it's call tiffany haddish. she ready! from hood to the hollywood." >> stephen: you also were in a jay-z music video. i can show the people? what's going on here. >> we did a reenactment of "friends." and any chance i get to play a white woman, i am there, you know. >> stephen: who are you? which one are you here? >> i'm phoebe. i'm phoebe on there. see, i'm a white woman on paper. i've been a white woman for the last, like, five, 10 years now. >> stephen: wait, hold on a second. because i'm white in almost every way. what do you mean "white on paper?" that's beyond me. >> seven years ago, the census came around, and they showed up to my house and they asked me what my nationality was because they were counting to see how many black people w
up on... >> friday, the 18th. >> stephen: friday, 18th. >> the august. >> stephen: on?e. you didn't know that? >> stephen: it says showtime. i want you to be able to say it. >> you wanted me to say it. i wanted you to say it like you're my spokesperson. >> stephen: you have a comedy special coming up on the 18th on showtime. >> i do. it's call tiffany haddish. she ready! from hood to the hollywood." >> stephen: you also were in a jay-z...
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Aug 1, 2017
08/17
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>> stephen: no.ake it happen ( laughter ) >> stephen: if you say it with enough suavity and assurance it sounds like a catch phrase. >> we all know the bass is more important than the ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you should open a monastery or something. >> or i should just start making bumper stickers. >> stephen: we've got to take a little bit of break. stick around. back with more matthew mcconaughey! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) you always pay your insurance on time. tap one little bumper and up go your rates. what good is having insurance if you get punished for using it? for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. liberty mutual insurance. we, the people, are tired of being surprised with extra monthly fees. we want hd. and every box and dvr. all included. because we don't like surprises. yeah. like changing up the celebrity at the end to someone more handsome. and talented.
>> stephen: no.ake it happen ( laughter ) >> stephen: if you say it with enough suavity and assurance it sounds like a catch phrase. >> we all know the bass is more important than the ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you should open a monastery or something. >> or i should just start making bumper stickers. >> stephen: we've got to take a little bit of break. stick around. back with more matthew mcconaughey! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) you...
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Aug 24, 2017
08/17
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he's strong. >> stephen: now you have kids. >> i do. >> stephen: two. >> three, we have three. >> stephene are building our own society. >> stephen: you are going into a zone defense against your kids. >> we have. >> stephen: how old are they? >> 11 and-- 11 and nine and six. i forgot. >> stephen: they have a sense what mom does? >> they have a sense. >> stephen: do they watch the show? >> they do not watch the show, it's a dirty show. they don't think i'm cool. they have no interest in it whatsoever. >> stephen: are you sure they don't watch the show? >> they don't watch the show not because i don't want to impress them. they don't care, about me at all! >> stephen: do they keep up with the news like their mom? >> they do. >> stephen: how do they keep up with the craziness or this is just the world? >> they draw pictures of it. >> stephen: they do? >> they do. >> stephen: and they show the pictures to the counselors? >> it's like an impressive hand hovering. >> stephen: you do use salty language on your show. don't talk like mommy? >> they do love salty language, that doesn't come from m
he's strong. >> stephen: now you have kids. >> i do. >> stephen: two. >> three, we have three. >> stephene are building our own society. >> stephen: you are going into a zone defense against your kids. >> we have. >> stephen: how old are they? >> 11 and-- 11 and nine and six. i forgot. >> stephen: they have a sense what mom does? >> they have a sense. >> stephen: do they watch the show? >> they do not watch the show,...
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>> stephen: i was young.as supposed to try to take them out, you know, so i could put the extensions on. but i cut the braid in half. so when i took it out, a big thing of her hair came out. >> stephen: was just gone? >> right. and i became an actor on the spot. ( laughter ) i said, "girl, what have you been doing to your hair?" "my. i'm going to get you some cream because-- are you stressed? you stressed out? you done broke your hair down to the nub." yeah, i just blamed it on her. ( applause ) >> stephen: tell the good people out there what "claws" is about. what happens in "claws"? >> okay, "claws--" i play a woman who-- i run a nail salon, but i'm-- laundering money for the dixie mafia. there, i said it. >> stephen: what's the "dixie mafia?" they make all their money off of cups? what is dixie mafia? >> well, it's like-- a mafia for rednecks. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> you know what i mean? southern -- >> stephen: sure, sure. >> folk. >> stephen: sure, yeah. >> and i'm laundering money for the dixie mafia.
>> stephen: i was young.as supposed to try to take them out, you know, so i could put the extensions on. but i cut the braid in half. so when i took it out, a big thing of her hair came out. >> stephen: was just gone? >> right. and i became an actor on the spot. ( laughter ) i said, "girl, what have you been doing to your hair?" "my. i'm going to get you some cream because-- are you stressed? you stressed out? you done broke your hair down to the nub."...
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Aug 2, 2017
08/17
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i don't know, stephen. >> stephen: stephen ruins everything. >> stephen: "adam ruins everything" is onloyment. we'll be right back with a performance by randy newman. stick around. ♪ let us be lovers, we'll marry our fortunes together ♪ ♪ i've got some real estate here in my bag ♪ ♪ so i looked at the scenery. ♪ she read her magazine... the all-new volkswagen atlas. covered from coast to coast with america's best bumper-to-bumper limited warranty. take the zantac it challenge! pill works fast? zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. nexium can take 24 hours. when heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. take the zantac it challenge. you can do endless move 201online researchnt, about the escalade. or, you can come in and have it all for less than you might imagine. don't wait. you can drive a car... or you can drive a cadillac. come in now before the end of our made to move 2017 clearance event and leave with the perfect cadillac escalade for you. purchase with 0% percent apr for 7
i don't know, stephen. >> stephen: stephen ruins everything. >> stephen: "adam ruins everything" is onloyment. we'll be right back with a performance by randy newman. stick around. ♪ let us be lovers, we'll marry our fortunes together ♪ ♪ i've got some real estate here in my bag ♪ ♪ so i looked at the scenery. ♪ she read her magazine... the all-new volkswagen atlas. covered from coast to coast with america's best bumper-to-bumper limited warranty. take the...
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Aug 29, 2017
08/17
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stephen, stephen-- >> stephen: yes?d ): this is the segment and the game called "the russian russian roulette." please. ♪ >> stephen: what's this? >> ( translated ): we spin, you take the shot that the arrow points to. and then let's toast-- we like to toast here in russia. you toast russia, and i will toast america. let's try. >> stephen: oh, i'd love to, i'd love to. what do we do with the pickles? ( applause ) >> ( translated ): no, no, no, no. you will find out in the process. you will return a different man to america, a different man. your life will change. come on, spin. well, go ahead. please. okay, easy. that's it. uh-huh. well, probably this one. please. take it out carefully. well, say a toast, drink, and then i'll show you what to do with the pickles. >> stephen: to the beautiful and friendly russian people. i don't understand why no members of the trump administration can remember meeting you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen. and now right away, right away, right away you
stephen, stephen-- >> stephen: yes?d ): this is the segment and the game called "the russian russian roulette." please. ♪ >> stephen: what's this? >> ( translated ): we spin, you take the shot that the arrow points to. and then let's toast-- we like to toast here in russia. you toast russia, and i will toast america. let's try. >> stephen: oh, i'd love to, i'd love to. what do we do with the pickles? ( applause ) >> ( translated ): no, no, no, no. you...
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do. >> stephen: sure.t happened 50 years ago this year. can you explain to people what the movie is about? >> basically, there was a bar in new york -- i mean, in "detroit" called "the blind pig" and the police raided the bar looking for an inspecting person in the bar, he wasn't there and ended up arresting everybody and it sparked an uprising in 1967, you know, america was a boiling pot, and that kind of just took over after they raided this bar and just sparked what we knew as the detroit riots. >> stephen: how long did they last and what happened to the city? >> the city was decimated. over 40 people were injured and killed. over 40 people died during the riot. once it was all said and done, the city was just leveled. >> stephen: some people said detroit never really recovered from this event, that it's still using in the shadow of 1967. >> yes, but detroit is the growth place of america, i feel. ( cheers and applause ) detroit is truly the rose that grew from concrete. if you look at everything that's
do. >> stephen: sure.t happened 50 years ago this year. can you explain to people what the movie is about? >> basically, there was a bar in new york -- i mean, in "detroit" called "the blind pig" and the police raided the bar looking for an inspecting person in the bar, he wasn't there and ended up arresting everybody and it sparked an uprising in 1967, you know, america was a boiling pot, and that kind of just took over after they raided this bar and just...
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205
Aug 18, 2017
08/17
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KPIX
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eye 205
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>> stephen: yes. more than once. >> stephen: twice.the context of it. >> stephen: don't explain what it means. >> it's been a crazy week with jared kushner. special advisor to the president? >> stephen: yeah. what kind of advice is he giving him? ( cheers and applause ) let me tell you something, jared kushner, you know when it came out his rabbi tweeted he wants his bar mitzvah paperwork back. they don't want any association with him anymore. >> stephen: they can do that? for him, you can. we want special advice on him. i want to meet him. i want to sit down and have a bagel, cream cheese and lox with him. is he a mule? you ever heard him talk. >> stephen: no. pecial adviser of what? he's a joke. i can't believe he can look himself in the mirror before shabat dinner and not saying anything when they're saying hail my father in law. he's a joke. you've got weird ears. ( laughter ) i'm only saying that -- >> stephen: no, it's fine. i'm not sensitive about it at all. >> no, look at my ear. that got bit off in a fight. >> stephen: wha...
>> stephen: yes. more than once. >> stephen: twice.the context of it. >> stephen: don't explain what it means. >> it's been a crazy week with jared kushner. special advisor to the president? >> stephen: yeah. what kind of advice is he giving him? ( cheers and applause ) let me tell you something, jared kushner, you know when it came out his rabbi tweeted he wants his bar mitzvah paperwork back. they don't want any association with him anymore. >> stephen:...
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Aug 12, 2017
08/17
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WUSA
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eye 154
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i've neve stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) oh, my god, the elbow-tron has never gone that far before. well, that's science right there. we can't argue with that. speaking of popular rulers, you guys watch "game of thrones?" ( cheers and applause ) i never miss it. i never miss it. it has the kind of sex and decapitation that you just don't get on "kevin can wait." ( laughter ) here's the thing-- there are three more episodes left in the "game of thrones" season, but you may not have to wait for them because there's been a big "game of thrones" leak after hbo was hacked. now, it's unclear how the network got hacked-- possibly because 300 million of us all share the same hbo-go password. ( laughter ) so-- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5-- something like that. so far the hackers have post stolen "game of thrones" scripts online and are demanding a bitcoin ransom of $6 million. and if they don't get their money, they say they might release naked pictures of the cast. ( laughter ) they're always naked. now, the hackers even s
i've neve stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) oh, my god, the elbow-tron has never gone that far before. well, that's science right there. we can't argue with that. speaking of popular rulers, you guys watch "game of thrones?" ( cheers and applause ) i never miss it. i never miss it. it has the kind of sex and decapitation that you just don't get on "kevin can wait." ( laughter ) here's the thing-- there are three more episodes left in the "game...
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Aug 30, 2017
08/17
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KPIX
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stephen: ?s a plea to save healthcare on facebook. he said, "simply put, if there's a chance you might get sick, get old or start a family, this bill will do you harm." >> okay. all right. ( laughter ) come on brother, trumpcare? more like trump don't care. don't care. don't care. i fought for the a.c.a. to help people. okay? i also spent a year in open bipartisan sessions, and everybody had a say. all the republicans, all the democrats! so what y'all hiding, huh? now why would you do that? i don't know, maybe 'cause y'all don't want anyone to see that you just cooped in a dungeon over a kettle making up a potion with bat wings and eye of newt? over a kettle making up a potion with bat wings and eye of newt? ( bleep ) y'all gonna kill some people. but you know what, you running out of help. 'cause most folks want this country to still have people "living" in it. ( bleep ) you know what? i would say, "you people make me sick" but i can't afford that 'cause i wouldn't have no damn health insurance
stephen: ?s a plea to save healthcare on facebook. he said, "simply put, if there's a chance you might get sick, get old or start a family, this bill will do you harm." >> okay. all right. ( laughter ) come on brother, trumpcare? more like trump don't care. don't care. don't care. i fought for the a.c.a. to help people. okay? i also spent a year in open bipartisan sessions, and everybody had a say. all the republicans, all the democrats! so what y'all hiding, huh? now why would...
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98
Aug 31, 2017
08/17
by
WUSA
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>> love. >> stephen: love. >> all you need is love, stephen. >> stephen: and $9 billion.ht, we need to put a line to describe yourself i'm gonna put down, "i made my fortune mining, but i haven't found my gem." they're gonna melt. hobbies? let's see, hobbies. i'll put down watching horrible, horrible basketball, oligarching. you're gonna be beating them off with a stick. we're gonna find you the right girl. >> okay. >> stephen: mikhail, if it's possible i would love to get a tour of your house. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: shall we? >> sure we have no secret rooms here. >> stephen: i didn't ask that, which is odd. is this where the magic happens? is this where the magic happens? oh, this is where the magic happens. okay, what is this? you said there were no secret rooms. >> it's not secret. >> stephen: it's not a secret? >> it's just another door. >> stephen: what is this? >> it's kalashnikov. >> stephen: ak-47 can i just stand-- just me-- a picture of me and an oligarch holding an ak-47? eventually when i'm brought up before the hague i want to look nice. oh, japanese thr
>> love. >> stephen: love. >> all you need is love, stephen. >> stephen: and $9 billion.ht, we need to put a line to describe yourself i'm gonna put down, "i made my fortune mining, but i haven't found my gem." they're gonna melt. hobbies? let's see, hobbies. i'll put down watching horrible, horrible basketball, oligarching. you're gonna be beating them off with a stick. we're gonna find you the right girl. >> okay. >> stephen: mikhail, if it's...
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246
Aug 5, 2017
08/17
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KPIX
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>> stephen: great. this is stephen colbert's "midnight confessions!"se ) ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> stephen: standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, wait there. i'll be right back. forgive me, audience-- ( organ playing softly ) when people say, "god only gives you as much as you can handle," i wonder if they could handle getting punched in the face. ( laughter ) audience, you know that policy at baskin robbins where you have to show your i.d. to prove it's your birthday to get a free cone? that's because of me. ( laughter ) even though i know it's stupid, i kind of want to try vaping. ( laughter ) mmm, vanilla car exhaust. ( laughter ) that is dumb. ( laughter ) audience, i loved the movie "moonlight," but i was a little disappointed it didn't have one werewolf. one wouldn't have hurt the plot. ( laughter ) sometimes, sometimes, i tell people i wish my super-power was invisibility, but i really just wish i could just eat pizza all day without getting fat. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) whenev
>> stephen: great. this is stephen colbert's "midnight confessions!"se ) ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> stephen: standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, wait there. i'll be right back. forgive me, audience-- ( organ playing softly ) when people say, "god only gives you as much as you can handle," i wonder if they could handle getting punched in the face. ( laughter ) audience, you know that policy at baskin...
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161
Aug 17, 2017
08/17
by
KPIX
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eye 161
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>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes. ellie kemper. andrew dice clay. and peter serafinowich. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much! hey, everybody! welcome. thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. i'm so excited we have ellie kemper tonight. because i believe she is the ray of sunshine we all need right now. because it's dark. it's getting a little dark out there. it's getting a storm. and whatever is coming down from those clouds, it's brown for some reason. i'm still recovering, personally. i'm still recovering from president trump's kamikaze press conference yesterday, where donald let donald be donald, the consequences and our countries be damned. and it was truly one for the ages-- specifically, 1939 to 1945. right? '36, '36? let's just remind ourselves of how we got here. last saturday-
>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes. ellie kemper. andrew dice clay. and peter serafinowich. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much! hey, everybody! welcome. thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show...
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136
Aug 30, 2017
08/17
by
WUSA
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eye 136
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stephen fallon!ther around town but we've not sat down in a professional way since last summer. >> since last summer, yes. >> stephen: you were on one of our live convention shows, the g.o.p. >> that's right, yes. >> stephen: you were donald trump's one black delegate. >> one black delegate, yes. and i think i was from someplace crazy like maine, or wisconsin. >> stephen: exactly. and you got arrested. and how has the year been? how has the year been for you? >> the year's been very good. i mean, i spent the majority of it in a deep fog, in a profound depression. no, we were working on "friends from college" when the election happened. >> stephen: that's your netflix series. >> the netflix series i'm on now. what was interesting because the end of that day was interesting because we were shooting, it was so funny, because it would be, like, listen, i don't know if you understand where i'm coming from. and, cut, and everyone would run to a tv and watch the tv. no, what-- is this fiction? what's happen
stephen fallon!ther around town but we've not sat down in a professional way since last summer. >> since last summer, yes. >> stephen: you were on one of our live convention shows, the g.o.p. >> that's right, yes. >> stephen: you were donald trump's one black delegate. >> one black delegate, yes. and i think i was from someplace crazy like maine, or wisconsin. >> stephen: exactly. and you got arrested. and how has the year been? how has the year been for you?...
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