(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. ♪ >>> we have a new pope. the vatican has chosen the first ever argentinean pope. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] so, once again, a bunch of old white guys got a hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do. >>> the selection of pope francis i came as something of a surprise yesterday. he was considered a serious contender for the pope back in 2005, but many thought he was a little too old to warrant serious consideration by the conclave this time around. if you want to sound smart today, tell your friends that at 76 years old, just a little younger than barnacle, pope francis i is the ninth oldest pope ever at the time of election. the nine previous men who were 75 or older when they became the pontiff served for an average of only five years. i don't know why they throw those barnacle things in the prompter and make me say those things. >> that is cruel. that is cruel, bill. where's the hate come from,

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.ople money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. [ laughs ] whoo. ♪ oh. nice! great! [ laughs ] a shot like that calls for a postgame celebration. [ male announcer ] share what you love with who you love. kellogg's frosted flakes. they're gr-r-eat! went home and fed her family. now she's helping her community. no wonder it's hard to focus on her own needs. but she's got one a day women's, a complete multivitamin with key nutrients women may need all in one pill. because our focus is you. with key nutrients women may need all in one pill. given way to sleeping. tossing and turning have where sleepless nights yield to restful sleep, and lunesta eszopiclone can help you get there, like it has for so many people before. do not take lunesta if you are allergic to anything in it. when taking lunesta, don't drive or operate machinery until you feel fully awake. walking, eating, driving or engaging in other activities while asleep without remembering it the ne

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. saving people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. otherworldly things. but there are some things i've never seen before. this ge jet engine can understand 5,000 data samples per second. which is good for business. because planes use less fuel, spend less time on the ground and more time in the air. suddenly, faraway places don't seem so...far away. ♪ >>> hi, i'm cramer. cramer. cramer. cramer. welcome to "mad money." other people want to make friends. remember that? i just want to make you money. money. money. money. money. for the past eight years, my job has and continues to be not just to entertain you but to educate you. so on this fabulous eighth anniversary of "mad money," i want you to continue to call me at 1-800-743-cnbc. welcome to the eighth anniversary edition of "mad money." not a great day for an anniversary although the dow broke its winning streak. i'll be unabashed about it. sinking 25 points. nasdaq declining -- i realized re

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.y for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. >>> we're back with another installment of webtastic, when sara digs up cute videos to put you in a good mood. >> two college students decided to put the phrase "kiss me, i'm irish" to the test. check it out. >> just because i'm irish? >> all right. thanks. >> is this real? >> this is real. >> is this the real deal? >> i'm the real deal. right now, are you ready? >> yup? >> have a lucky day. >> real quick, real quick. >> i'm dating someone. >> are you irish? >> i am. >> it was shot at brigham young, university. the lucky girl is -- >> oh, my god, there was tongue. >> okay, i'm not sure -- >> well, and whoa! >> she's still going with -- please say that's her boyfriend. >> well? >> it might be. >> aw. >> thank you. you want a lot of luck? >> i have a test coming up. >> wow. >> i'm a little speechless right now. >> i feel like there's a point where he's held on too long. >> that only matters to the two people involv

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. [ coughs ] [ angry gibberish ] [ justin ] mulligan sir. mulligan. take a mulligan. i took something for my sinuses, but i still have this cough. [ male announcer ] truth is, a lot of sinus products don't treat cough. they don't? [ male announcer ] nope, but alka seltzer plus severe sinus does it treats your worst sinus symptoms, plus that annoying cough. [ angry gibberish ] [ fake coughs ] sorry that was my fault sir. [ male announcer ] alka seltzer plus severe sinus. [ breathes deeply ] ♪ oh, what a relief it is! [ male announcer ] try alka seltzer plus severe sinus day and night for complete relief from your worst sinus symptoms. >> in september 2011, college student sam eshaghoff was arrested and charged with fraud and criminal impersonation. his crime was taking the s.a.t. and a.c.t.s for other people. he was so good at it, other students paid him thousands of dollars to take the exams for them, wh

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. saving people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. i'd like one of those desserts and some coffee. sure. decaf or regular? regular. cake or pie? pie. apple or cherry? cherry. ♪ oil or cream? oil or cream? cream. [ male announcer ] with reddi-wip, a slice of pie never sounded better. that's because it's always made with real cream, never hydrogenated oil like some other whipped toppings. the sound of reddi-wip is the sound of joy. no they don't. hey son. have fun tonight. ♪ ♪ back against the wall ♪ ain't nothin to me ♪ ain't nothin to me [ crowd murmurs ] hey! ♪ [ howls ] ♪ >>> the momma grizzly tries to claw her way back into the political conversation with new video. and comedy central newsman, jon stewart may have finally unravelled the mystery of the former vp candidate. >> i think i finally figured out where sarah palin came from. someone cast a spell on a youtube comment and it came to life. >> we'll discuss palin's new message and never-

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.eople money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. >>> this is my main view a lot of times. this is a -- lying on my bunk, look up. it's pretty much what you see. cell door. boxes. sink. toilet. mirrors. headphones. got me a penitentiary back scratcher. this is existence. you make the best of it. you get comfortable. you do what you got to do. it is what it is. >> making the best of life at the wabash valley correctional facility is something everyone must learn on their own. lately it's proven hard for martin mcdaniel. after officers found a stockpile of prescription pills and a suicide note they put him on a suicide watch. mcdaniel was taken off suicide watch the following day. several weeks later he admitted that despite his earlier denials he was suicidal. >> when i wrote the letter, right, i had intentions of o.d.'ing because my kids wrote me a letter and told me they was coming. so i was going to wait until after that visit and take them that nigh

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. saving people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. (music throughout) why turbo? trust us. it's just better to be in front. the sonata turbo. >>> welcome back to "the kudlow report." we're coming to you live from washington, d.c., where president obama is apparently taking a bunch of republicans out to a very posh restaurant called the jefferson hotel. what does this mean? is he going to become the investor in chief? joe mansion, mike lee. mr. lee, you first. what is this all about, ten or 11 republicans, jefferson hotel, what's up? >> first of all, when he found out joe and i were not available, we were on your show, he invited a few others to join him instead. i'm not sure what's on the agenda. i hope what it is is the president wanted to interact with members of the other party. >> as i understand it, the not so hidden agenda here is to stop the sequester and to develop some entitlement reforms and some tax reform but tax reform means the pr

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.ears. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. >>> come on. >> like all prisons, the santa rosa correctional institution near pensacola, florida, has strict codes of conduct for inmates. >> the facility keep it's tight reins on this inmate population, because if you continue to allow little violations, then they turn into big things and with this caliber of population, we have to handle it this way. >> more than three quarters of santa rosa's inmate population are serving time for violent crimes including assault, rape and murder, but even those convicted of non-violent crimes are expected to follow all the same rules and protocols. >> they nitpick about every little thing. they're so by the rules here. walk a narrow line. if you do anything outside of that, this is where you end up, in confinement with nothing. >> tell me about your headpiece. >> my headpiece? this is just a t-shirt, really. this is illegal. i'm not supposed to be wearing this, really. >> jurez williams has been at

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. >>> it is wines day wednesday, and you know what that means. >> what the what? >> exactly. that's when we look at those whacky two or three photos. you send in. >> they are crazy. just crazy. >> sara tells us how funny they are. sara, what do we got? >> you're going to like this one. the first one is our caption winner from last week. this is the dog toby, and the winning caption is from denise, oh, you said sit. [ laughter ] >> good going, denise! >> good job, denise. >> you are one classy broad. >> we are going to show you the one we need a caption for at the end of the day. our first photo, energy conservation in progress, go ahead and use the elevator. that's going to take -- save it up, save it up. >> okay. >> next one, mike from delaware, pennsylvania. spread eagle realty and below that is a little ob-gyn. >> oh, no. . one of them is spread eagle reality. yeah. >> that is a winning caption. next

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. uh, charles couldn't make it. his single miles card blacked him out here and here. he should have used... the capital one venture card. he's coming to us from home. hey fellas... hey baby, you want mama to iron your undies? nice tightie whities. i didn't know mrs. barkley made quilts. really? looks like a circus tent. is that the best you got? now if you put this, with this, you have a sailboat. what's in your wallet? plays a key role throughout our lives. one a day women's 50+ is a complete multivitamin designed for women's health concerns as we age. it has 7 antioxidants to support cell health. one a day 50+. that your mouth is under attack, from food particles and bacteria. try fixodent. it helps create a food seal defense for a clean mouth and kills bacteria for fresh breath. ♪ fixodent, and forget it. i really like your new jetta! and you want to buy one like mine because it's so safe, right? yeah... ye

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.aving people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. there's this island -- and it's got super-cute kangaroos. barrow island has got rare kangaroos. ♪ chevron has been developing energy here for decades. we need to protect their environment. we have a strict quarantine system to protect the integrity of the environment. forty years on, it's still a class-a nature reserve. it's our job to look after them. ...it's my job to look after it. ♪ [ticking] >> as of late 2012, the justice department had not prosecuted any countrywide financial executive, despite the allegations of widespread mortgage fraud inside the company. and, as steve kroft reported, in december 2011, even more puzzling, was the justice department's reluctance to employ one of its most powerful legal weapons against anyone in the company. it's called the sarbanes-oxley act of 2002. [applause] >> it was overwhelmingly passed by congress and signed by president bush following the last bi

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. saving people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. we don't let frequent heartburn come between us and what we love. so if you're one of them people who gets heartburn and then treats day after day... block the acid with prilosec otc and don't get heartburn in the first place! [ male announcer ] one pill each morning. 24 hours. zero heartburn. and don't get heartburn in the first place! ♪ a flavor paradisens aof delicious fishes ♪♪ ♪ friskies seafood sensations. ♪ ♪ feed the senses. >>> today was a big day in republican politics. republican party chairman reince priebus held court today to talk about a new rnc report calling for drastic changes if republicans want to remain a viable political party. among the many things that need to be changed is the party's relationship with people of the lady persuasion. quote, the rnc must improve its efforts to include female voters. additionally when developing our party's message, women need to be part o

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. saving people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. was a record collection. no. there was that fuzzy stuff on the gouda. [ both ] ugh! when it came to our plants... we were so confused. how much is too much water? too little? until we got miracle-gro moisture control. it does what basic soils don't by absorbing more water, so it's there when plants need it. yeah, they're bigger and more beautiful. guaranteed. in pots. in the ground. in a ukulele. are you kidding me? that was my idea. with the right soil... everyone grows with miracle-gro. >>> good morning, i'm richard lui in for chris jansing republicans all right plotting their strategy to take over the white house in 2016. a report out serves as a road map for how the party will move forward. the rnc plans to make easier the nominees by cutting down the number of presidential debates. it will spend up to $10 million to connect with latino americans, arabian americans, lbgt and to end the perc

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. that this game has always been and will always be about buckets. [ cheering ] drew? is that you? i got you, wes. just like old times. go get over. that's a pocket pass. that's a pocket pass [ cheering ] you gotta get out there... screen, screen. ...and put your team back together again. ohhhhh! go find 'em. ♪ (russell) this is just the beginning. >> hey, justin? justin, you awake? >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah, i can't fall asleep. hey, hey, do you want to tell ghost stories? >> not tonight. i'm down to my last clean bedsheet. maybe we could sneak into the girl's cabin and steal their underpants? >> ew, no way! cootie central. >> you're right. oh, i know, we could sing that song we heard on the radio? >> oh, you mean "africa" by toto? [ laughter ] i love that song, but let's try to keep it down. it's after lights out. [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ i hear the drums echoing tonight but she hears only whispers of some quie

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.ver seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. >>> hello, everyone. here race what's happening. a spring snowstorm is on the move after dumping up to 50 inches of snow in colorado and kansas, the system is moving eastward towards ohio and pennsylvania. a storm in florida brought rain, wind and hail gusts up to 60 miles an hour and police reported a tornado touching down in brevard county and gas prices of dropped dunn to an average of $3.71 a gallon for regular. we have more news later. now back to "lock-up." advised. >>> due to mature subject matter, viewer discretion is advised. ♪ ♪ i'm in orange county ♪ i'm ordinary ♪ i went down south and there's no place i can stay ♪ ♪ i'm down in el paso so i've got to lay low ♪ ♪ i wipe my tracks and get away to mexico ♪ ♪ because i'm wanted, america's most wanted man ♪ ♪ yes, i am ♪ and if you seen me coming, baby ♪ ♪ i've been on the lam >> jimmy torres has plenty of reasons to sing the blues. he spent 11 years in a federa

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.ople money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. >>> none of this is necessary. it's happening because republicans in congress chose a loophole. just this week, they decided that providing special interest tax breaks is more important than protecting our military and middle class families from these cuts. there's a caucus of common sense out there, and i'm going to keep reaching out to them. the american people are weary of this. >> it sounds like john boehner isn't quite ready to join that congress. >> you like defense spending, that's going to be cut arbitrarily. you agree is this is stealth spending on the tax code. why not give on this, why not allow some revenues to come from tax reform. use defense spending and you unlock the key to getting entitlement cuts they would give you on tax reform. >> i want tax reform. we want to bring rates down for all americans. so that we've got a fairer tax code, but to arbitrarily pull out a couple tax expenditur

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.or over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. >>> i'm going in there and getting bobby gilbert for disciplinary court. >> sergeant english holds a disciplinary hearing for the damages that bobby gilbert caused during his angry outburst. the officer observed inmate bobby gilbert repeatedly throw an object against his cell door window, causing the window to crack and shatter. bobby, the punishment for room 69, destroying state property, is 30 days disciplinary seg and refer to "i" and "i." whenever "i" and "i" picks you up, you know i can't control that. do you understand? >> yep. >> do you wish to plead guilty or not guilty? >> guilty as sin. >> bobby, can you read and write and understand what's going on? >> on a third grade level, absolutely. it ain't no drastic change. you know, they take most of your property, put it in the property room. you're just allowed certain things. can't have a radio. that's basically the only thing you lose. >> i can't believe that

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(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.e money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. china, $2.7 billion. [ male announcer ] if you stash tissues like a squirrel stashes nuts, you may be muddling through allergies. try zyrtec® liquid gels. nothing starts working faster than zyrtec® at relieving your allergy symptoms for 24 hours. zyrtec®. love the air. >>> physical activity is not only good for your health, it is good for your happiness. cumulative data shows that physically active people are over 85% more likely to report feel happy when compared to those who are less active. president obama and air force one, live pictures here, touching down in jordan. there's going to be a ceremony, but there are going to be some foreign men it fry level officials. a little later on he will meet with king abdullah, and there will be some talks with that ally. this following his three day visit to israel. talks are to focus on the middle east peace process as well as the war in syria. the president laid

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(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.oney for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. water, we take our showers with it. we make our coffee with it. but we rarely tap its true potential and just let it be itself. flowing freely into clean lakes, clear streams and along more fresh water coast line than any other state in the country. come realize water's true potential. dive in-to the waters of pure michigan. your trip begins at michigan.org. by the armful? by the barrelful? the carful? how about...by the bowlful? campbell's soups give you nutrition, energy, and can help you keep a healthy weight. campbell's. it's amazing what soup can do. >>> in most maximum-security prisons, people convicted of sex-related crimes are the outcasts of the inmate population. they're often housed in protective custody to keep others from beating or killing them. >> these type of offenders rarely discuss the details of their crime. and when they do, it can be tough to take. but there's value to their stories. they

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. saving people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. >>> not the only conservative you will not be seeing at cpac next weekend. first chris christie and now bob mcdonald got the cpac snub. either invited to the conservative political action conference. instead the conference is leaning on party up and comers like mitt romney, sarah palin and of course, the donald. wait, what? apparently they represent where the party should rebuild their brand. i'm from virginia and i have to say bob donald is quite conservative. you might remember the transvaginal probes and all of that last year. even that is not conservative enough for cpac. i want to start with al who is the chairman of the american conservative union and how the slate of speakers was supposen. he said c spak is like the all-star game for profoegzal athletes. you have been invited when you have an outstanding year. hopefully he will have another all-star year in the future at which time we wi

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico.ey for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. twenty-five thousand mornings, give or take is all we humans get. we spend them on treadmills. we spend them in traffic. and if we get lucky really lucky, it dawns on us to go spend them in a world where a simple sunrise can still be magic. twenty-five thousand mornings. make sure some of them are pure michigan. your trip begins at michigan.org. >>> it's monday at california's kern valley state prison. for inmate marcus armstrong, that means it's laundry day. >> a lot of guys don't trust the laundry. we do the laundry ourselves. some do it in the sink. me, i do it in the shower so i can really get it clean. soap it up, rinse it out, wring it out. get a little workout in the meantime. good as new after two hours. just like mamma taught me. >> it's also the best night for television. >> monday night, primetime tv come on and i watch the primetime shows. my favorite shows right now are "24," "smallville," "grey's a

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(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. >>> the u.s. has engineered a rare agreement in the security council, getting china on board in a vote today against north korea. imposing sanctions. all this as the u.s. and south korea continued a joint military exercise today. despite threats of retaliation from the north. joining us from the u.n. ambassador susan rice. first of all, ambassador, congratulations, because it was a lot of behind the scenes negotiations that got china on board, and i know you were leading the way. >> thank you, andrea. >> this is a major step for the u.s. it's the fourth sanctions resolution against north korea. it doesn't seem to be having any impact on pyongyang. what do we do next? >> well, andrea, first of all, today's resolution was an important step because it will not only raise the cost to nokt's leaders of pursuing their illegal nuclear missile programs, but it will also make it much harder for them to continue those

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(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. >>> we owe the american people a balanced budget. >> republicans want to balance the budget. >> i would say a balanced budget is going to help grow our economy. >> a balanced budget means more jobs. it means more opportunities. >> balancing the budget is necessary for a healthy economy. >> the republican party has adopted a singular economic message, you'll hear a lot more of it over the next few weeks. a balanced budget will save the economy. the rallying behind the paul ryan plan. a budget that slashes spending by $4.6 trillion, 68% of which comes from programs for the poor. and for working-class americans. ryan's budget promises to balance the books in just ten years. roughly three times as fast as the budget he released a year ago and which was adopted by the romney campaign. but jonathan chait repinds us that paul ryan didn't always buy into this anti-deficit message. in fact he argued for quite the opposite. cha

(uncontrollable lahtuger). what are you doing there? stop making me laugh. vo: geico. saving people money for over seventy-five years. gecko: don't look at me. don't look at me. a talking car. but i'll tell you what impresses me. a talking train. this ge locomotive can tell you exactly where it is, what it's carrying, while using less fuel. delivering whatever the world needs, when it needs it. ♪ after all, what's the point of talking if you don't have something important to say? ♪ barrow island has got rare kangaroos. ♪ chevron has been developing energy here for decades. we need to protect their environment. we have a strict quarantine system to protect the integrity of the environment. forty years on, it's still a class-a nature reserve. it's our job to look after them. ...it's my job to look after it. ♪ >>> all right. welcome >>> all right. welcome back, everybody. first up, last week, president obama told a tv interviewer he didn't have immediate debt crisis. or we in america don't have an immediate debt crisis. and this weekend speaker boehner said basically the