too many people say i have since discovered very as the, veritas, yes, it does loosen up inhibitions, alcohol, it is what is floating around in the self-conscious that can be called up, and as i said, as a defense mechanism that was triggered, when i was being persecuted, i mean, the open line, the opening line of that video are you aryan, is your hair really blonde now that would have triggered something. >> what do you mean? >> it would have triggered something, as i mentioned earlier, charlie, you know, i have been researching. >> far verify. >> and that memsa collection was about to be shown, all of those things could have been swimming around. >> do you worry that somehow that creativity, you can't find that again, that somehow all of this will do damage so that what gave you life may not be able to turn back on? >> i did worry about that, especially when i was in rehabilitation. the rehabilitation center in arizona, i was invited to attend art classes and i couldn't even pick up a pencil because it just brought back the memories flooding back, i equate creation with the things i