victoria. hello victoria, hello, tell us what you came up with today, with the existential transition, i feel it’s a good start, no longer a crisis, but at the transition, a year ago i was faced with the issue of death, with the topic. and i was immersed in my trauma, the loss of my mother, yeah, this year i realized that all these 10 years, while she was gone, well, i froze, i died with her, tell me a little about your story, well, i have a full family , mom is an economist, dad is a military pilot, well , probably an ordinary soviet childhood, well, a little bit with a cold... mother, who forbade him to show his creativity there, don’t paint, you litter, i don’t know, don’t dance, you stomp, you’re the only child in the family, yes, yes, i’m alone , and dad is on a flight, and naturally, dad flew in, dad is beloved, and grandma asked who you love more, mom or dad, yeah, and the answer was obvious, apparently, well , apparently, obviously, yes, dad. then, at the age of 12, my mother had an accident, my childhood actually ended, but because, well , how did they get married without me, i need to be looked after and walk again, my mother had a serious injury , well, she was there in a coma and basically paralyzed and then dad also started drinking little by little, so i have two children. appeared suddenly, that is, all the care fell on you, about mom, yes, that’s how it happened, you had to fully serve your mom, mom didn’t go, yes, you cooked, well, mixed with dad, my dad is like that everyday, quiet, uh, drinking man, well, cooking, cleaning, of course, there’s a duck, all the things to do, i still have to go to school, live some kind of social life, so, then further, well, she recovered, like quickly, to be honest i don’t remember, well, a year or two, i somehow recovered, then for a period, well, we lived, everything was as usual, she had a stroke , everything all over again, that is, it turns out that i was growing up, i always faced, uh , trauma, well, death, or illness, somehow here i am now then i discovered that my inner and growing up is equal to, well, going out into society there in communication, and i was immediately faced with the fear of death all the time with the disease, how did it manifest itself for you, how did this connection work, well, because the last one was there for 5-6 years i kept looking for myself there and i think, why am i not succeeding, why am i i don’t have the strength, well, i’m so cool, i’m charged, i know this, i can do this, so mm, well, it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out, i’ve got this connection that as soon as i go somewhere, i’m faced with fear of death and i don’t need anything, in general, that is, it’s as if it ’s becoming dangerous for you to ever go outside? yes, because then something will happen, well, i, someone there , this kind of trash will happen again, everything is bad, everything is terrible there, then what should you do if you stay in a childish position, but when i 10 years ago, in i got married in the twelfth year, and i did everything as much as possible in order to push the responsibility onto my husband, all this is all , i have to be behind my husband, i’m feminine there, fold your paws, something like that, but i realized that this is a utopian story, so well, i succeeded, my husband works there to earn money, and i was looking for myself, all these 10 years , well, i basically did eyelash extensions, and there until i was sixteen, then i burned out there, we moved to another city, in the crimea ended up there for a couple of years, i was exhaling there, we moved to moscow, when, in moscow, this is all it started, well, first of all, moscow means, come on, come on, come on, uh-huh, here i am, come on, come on, i was looking there for courses, for trainings, for personal growth, where am i, who am i, what am i, i’m there for landscape i was a designer in i don’t know, florists and macromea wove, we have all the professions, well, i somehow counted, well, about 10, i tried myself, yeah, in different directions, in the end, a year ago i went to study after all psychologist, body-oriented therapist, in fact, has slowly begun to come to life, do you now have a practice? well i practice, yes, but it’s not that i have a queue right now, but i would like there to be a queue, yes , this is your existential crisis, as you put it, and what does it consist of, you understand that if you go through it, then this queue will appear , or do you need to go through it in order to be more... that’s the essence of this crisis? well, it seems to me that especially clients don’t want to go to a dying therapist, this is my internal state, yeah, well, i imagine that i’ll somehow live there, i don’t know the grieving process, well, that’s already the case i think i’ve already lived, because i’m there in love , for the love of my mother, but i got there to, i don’t know, gratitude to everything for all these 10 years of the process, yeah, and so now it seems, well, already, where i would like something i would like to go, move, but no, so that it’s straight, like the feeling of energy of this impulse , so charged, that is, you are in this freezing, as they called it, well, it’s as if i’m continuing, or something, either out of habit, or well, the psyche still needs to go through some processes, i don’t know, what about you? i have children, an 8-year-old daughter, and me, oh, some processes started happening to me, somewhere in august the chains all came together before me, that i was grieving there, i didn’t go through the process, and since august everything has just been there, somehow i’m in a lousy place, i felt bad there too and i suffered, everything suffered, i suffered, then i say, now i’ve come to thanksgiving, but and in september i also went for a divorce, that is, i put all the stories together, and this is a conscious choice, well, yes, because i’ve been planning all this for the last 4 years too , i was getting ready, then i realized that , well, it’s already kind of, well, like the gestal is closed, with the person, with this and with my story there with mom, she covered it everywhere. what to do next, i don’t know, tell me, victor, what’s his mother like, mom, well, thanks psychotherapy , what’s that like, i try to be loving, supportive , yeah, very much, not to be cold, well, yes, not to be cold, like mine, yeah , it turns out, well, yes, oddly enough, i feel like a good mother, yeah, well, actually, this is quite a lot and it’s great if you feel like that... you feel, well, this is cool, because i have girlfriends, mothers who of course don’t feel that way, yeah, but now you live with your daughter, that’s all for now together, no, as long as we’re all together, this divorce is not a traumatic experience, not for you , not for your husband, not for your daughter, well, it’s some kind of consequence, as if, well, logical, well, i won’t say that we’re having fun there and we rejoice, what is the symbolism of this process for you, this is a divorce, what does it mean, it’s all as if i was hiding behind this once. hiding from what? well survive, uh-huh, and this scam, then that means that it's like you're, i don't know , breaking the shell and crawling out of the egg, yeah, it looks like it looks like, yeah, that, well, i'm like myself i’m starting to choose, to survive, to live my own life, not according to my metaphor, it turned out that mm, as if i had been sitting under a gravestone for all these 10 years. yes, it’s very similar, i have an assumption, but i’ll voice it a little later, tell me, you’re breaking through this shell, hoping to get out of there, do you think, how do you feel, are you ready for this life? at the moment i already feel that strength is appearing, uh-huh, because my thoughts have finally appeared, so i need to, i need to come up with something to leave, because why keep the guy? he may have his own personal life there, and well, it’s like i need to move on, but what do you need in order for, look, you seem to be making your way through this grave now. what does it take to get there and stay at the top? well, right now i have financial instability, yeah, well, i kind of understand why, yes, but i was in the childish position as much as possible all this time, and well, i ran faster there, damn it, i fought with my ego, because i promised myself that i’ll never go for hire, so, well, hiring , of course, doesn’t cover anything here. i’m afraid that your expression will be very clear to us visually, i was in a child ’s position, yeah, i understand you, yeah, but if we talk like two psychologists, it won’t be interesting to everyone else, so yes, and moreover, i’m very i don’t like to speak as a psychologist, well, yes, let’s try to talk like people, i was in this maximum childish position, but in general this position... what is this infantilism for you, how was it expressed? i don’t earn money, i don’t earn money for myself i provide, because the child has the right not to do this, but, that is, you believed for a long time that you have the right, for example , not to earn money, so, yes, what else was it expressed in, well, here is my inner desire, there in the name moms, too, get sick there somehow, feel bad, yeah, die. also , at about the same age, did your mother have an accident that you are in now? no, she got it earlier at 31, i’m 30, but i was very worried, by the way, when i was 31, i think something will happen to me now, but no, now i’ll get somewhere too, yeah, yeah, that is, the connection with my mother was still quite strong, of course, and this freezing, as if it were some kind of analogy, but with my mother’s condition, you were 12 when your mother did this happen to mom? and the family died, in fact, mom remained motionless, dad started drinking, and you, accordingly, were left alone in all this , well, yes, as you say, childhood ended, yeah, and this is the very moment when the family, as a structure that should provide support, died, yeah, and stopped giving this support, well, yes, in fact, of course, we can talk. about the fact that at the age of 12 you were not ready for this, as probably no one would be ready, no, i am deeply convinced that a girl at the age of 12 is already ready, but now it also seems to me that yes, but you now you’re talking to me like a twelve-year-old girl, well, your facial expressions, antics, posture tell me that a teenager is sitting in front of me, well, perhaps i’ll agree, because , thank god, it’s not seven, not 10, and that’s good, really. well, in general, at 12 you can already do a lot of things, right? yeah, let's do it we'll go back there, yeah, try to imagine, it's unlikely you'll be able to remember, but try to imagine the day when you find out that your mother had an accident, yeah, what happened an hour before, well, relatively speaking, yes, an hour before, and what, what ceased to exist after, here you are 12 and your life is filled with something, maybe playing, but with peers, studying. some kind of joy, hope, suddenly you find out, remember, well, i remember this, but how did you find out about it? it was april 1, at night, you were sleeping, yes, i was sleeping, and in the morning it was already, well, shorhi some, yes, in the morning, there was some kind of fuss there, and who told you, my father, it seems, yes, because he went to the hospital there the next day, my grandmother, my mother’s mother flies in and drags it all i’m still being poked at this hospital, look what happened to your mother, why is she doing this, like, well, you can’t have fun there now, look what you’ve brought your mother to? now, these are already important words, uh-huh, one day she came to school there after a couple of days, there’s food there, yes, naturally i’m, uh, well, a schoolboy, having fun, break, she saw, what are you doing, your mother is sick, you are having fun here, well, that is, having fun, you can’t have fun, what happened to you, what are you worried about? well, you have to be something in order for something to change somehow, well, yes , you have to be something like... what you really are, what you were experiencing then, that is, they explained to you how you need to behave, there was also some kind of freezing, that you couldn’t live your life now , and what did this cause, what, what feelings, well , fear, fright, i don’t know, sad, you accepted this guilt that your grandmother gave you, but specifically for this incident, no, no, i mean were you guilty. you and your father, no, you are alone, well, in this situation no, look, it was your grandmother who confronted you with the question of who you love more, suddenly a situation occurs after which you and your healthy dad are on the same side, uh-huh, sick bedridden mother , bedridden, non-ambulatory mother on the other side, uh-huh, uh-huh, how the configuration of your relationships in the family has changed, my dad also began to move away, because... he himself didn’t know how to live his feelings and emotions there, but of course he took me there something there on i carried a little work, something, but for some reason i then made the decision that my dad also betrayed me and in general i have no one to turn to now, then what’s wrong with you, i’ll make an assumption, you’ll say, it looks like what you experienced or not, but it seems to me - there was a lot of suppressed anger about the fact that it’s so unfair , it shouldn’t be like this, i’m a child, like all other children, why is this all happening to me, why should i, without asking me, you put me in a position where i have to perform functions that i can’t cope with, yes, well, after 12 years i started losing teeth, front teeth, losing teeth, how can i grind my teeth? no, not that yes, they just started deleting them for me, constantly, i have them there , at the moment there are only 13 of them, for a 12-year-old girl, yes, about anger, of course, suppressed, it was impossible to do this yet, this is a podcast triggers, we are with you, sergey nasebyan and tatyana krasnovskaya, psychologists and psychotherapists, and we are talking with viktoria. when your mother died in your twelfth year, how did you cope with her death? well, i became a zombie, i froze, i had anemia then that’s it, i turned to stone, why, it seems like you were already old enough, your mother was sick for a long time, it’s obvious that the fate of centenarians did not shine at the same time, well , some i had illusions about the topic: mom should live forever, yeah, but what didn’t you say to her? everything that was not expressed, hatred and anger, resentment, and fears and i don’t know everything, whatever i didn’t express there, i also remember the period when she died, i went to a training there and i made a decision, my mother and i are separating there , fishing the ropes, an emotional connection with her. i’m stopping, that’s it, you can’t ride on me, it was sunday on thursday i buried him, there was also guilt for this, yes, i just told you about this a few minutes ago, look, it turns out that as soon as i cut off my contact with mom, mom dies, yes, the key form of separation from mom is her death, yeah, in a normal person, this would not cause a feeling of guilt. yeah, but for you it was superimposed on some kind of superstition, yes, but superstition this was not formed in the training , the training unfortunately imposes, everything, when people start talking about the universe, about karma, no, holotropic breathing, holotropic breathing, no matter what training, when people come out with the idea that there is a certain universe that exists some signs, flows, resources, vedic. where superstition is formed is another question, yes , you were superstitious before, that’s why it happened this way, and now look, that’s why i assumed that the feeling of guilt was formed at the moment when you looked at the mother when she was lying in a hospital bed, and a feeling of guilt could form in the child at that moment, well , of course, the grandmother helps a lot, she. speaking of this, yes, it’s just that i, too, just like you in childhood, were accused there of the fact that you brought your mother or brought your father there, you see what you brought everyone to, how it all happened, but at the same time, no one none of us are able to avoid thoughts about when mom hits you, when mom swears, when mom screams, about how we would be better off without you, these thoughts that a child gets scared of, well, yes, suddenly the child sees his mother, he knows his thoughts , uh-huh, and the grandmother connects them at that moment, look what you brought your mother to, uh-huh, here a certain subpersonality arises that speaks of that you are guilty. in what is happening, yeah, and now you definitely need to stop being yourself , stop laughing, well, like in childhood, you know, we were told, don’t swear by your mother, your mother will die, yes, yes, yes, so everyone thought that you should swear mom can’t, yeah, they swore by lenin, there’s a tie, pioneer, anything, but something already dead, yeah, but they can’t be alive, because they will suddenly die, and they die, can you imagine , people generally die, yes, mothers, fathers, children, dogs, cats die, they absolutely die, if you are talking about the existential crisis that you came with, yeah, then at the very beginning of your monologue, i noticed one very interesting thing that i said, i will tell you later, i will tell it to you now, you are afraid to grow up, because growing up will lead you to death , and you said it, expressing it in phrases, to no one will go to a dying psychologist, at this moment i wanted to be indignant and tell you one simple thing, but do you really believe that there are no... dying psychologists? do you really believe that there is anyone who doesn't die? is everyone dying? the only reality that exists is death. yeah, your death, my death. i have been dying with you for several minutes here. and no one has yet gone in the opposite direction, but this idea superimposed on superstition makes you helpless. yes. the death of your mother is just her death, this is her nature, and.... it is important here that you understand and recognize for yourself, or forgive this child for the thoughts that he had at the moments when his mother hits, well, because if your mother is not just cold, when your mother begins to express emotions and hits you, because at that moment you feel that she hates you, a loving mother will not hit you, in response you certainly had a huge amount of anger, aggression in her address, of course, it was impossible to show her, received this signal that these are taboo feelings, and you learned to swallow them, grinding your teeth to the roots, and hence this shame for these thoughts, well, yes, for the fact that you were playing at school when your grandmother saw you, having fun in general life is impossible now, it means something is wrong with you, yes, your success lies behind the door on which death is written, you open the door, that you are... a little girl, a little girl, there, i don’t know, an exalted teenager , yes, you won’t stop this current, yes, i’m already a forty-year-old aunt, soon, i don’t know how things will turn out your relationship with your spouse, i don’t know how your relationship with other men will turn out, yes, but i know for sure that your relationship with yourself will turn out to be more honest, only... after you accept this fact, and the fact of that , that yes, you were angry with her, and the fact that these are completely unrelated things, her accident and your anger, well , now then a crow lands on a palm tree, a coconut falls from a palm tree, for our, well, let’s say, linear view, it seems that these are related events, but just like the crow could not sit down, the coconut could... fall and before she lands, right? here it happens exactly like this, that is, in our case, our psyche, it tries to arrange everything in linearity , because only when it is clear, yes, that one thing follows the other, and it seems that as a result, it writes down in this way , and then, when you start to consider this, it is very difficult to stratify and divide these events among themselves, but your task is to allow this to happen. pop of events, yes, events happened in your life, you built logic where there was no need to build it, and built the logic, of course, not in favor of yourself, well, yes, thanks to everyone, of course, good teachers, you know, yes, but it’s not a shame, you couldn’t have acted differently, differently, no, for a twelve-year-old does a child who has been hit by all this need to build some kind of defense? yeah, well, it just doesn’t help you at all right now, well, that’s why i’m here, and by opening this door that sergei said, called death, you and your daughter... will be able to build a more real, more honest relationship, or something, without trying to protect her on the one hand, with this freezing, uh-huh, because it’s also about coldness, well, being a real living mother nearby, and this fear that we experience, reverent fear of death, it is a natural norm, you can’t avoid it to escape, you need to learn to live it, so here it is very important to live it, perhaps in some of the practices, it is lived perfectly, but it is important that you learn to look there and understand that as soon as you become an adult, that’s it, from that moment , well, how would you stop, somehow growing up, you begin to grow old, but there, it means we are heading towards this very death , moreover, when my mother leaves, of course , there is no one else between us by death, because my parents, including psychologically, perform the function of protection between me by death, while they are there. when we understand that there really aren’t any, everyone is different, there is only us, yeah, well, this is also a story about the fact that everything, anyone, and your decision to turn away from what is happening, from the fact that it doesn’t matter we are heading towards death, it doesn’t stop this movement, well, yes, the process is underway. for more than 20 years, it was still happening, turn away, you don’t turn away, but it’s happening, sergei , for example, told his little six-year-old son , he told his three-year-old son that we are all dying here, by the way, that too, but yes, yes, the child was also a little asked my dad what death is, i said, what is happening to you right now, he said, how is it, i say, you’ve been dying for 3, half a year, he says, and you, i say , and i’m dying, he says, and mom, he says, and mom, he cried, naturally, he cried. well, i was sincerely convinced and am still convinced that it would be better for me to tell this truth at 3 and 2 years old than to tell him a story about how someday they will come up with a pill and we will all live forever, this fear, death is very important , so that you live it directly, and be with it, it is the norm for every living creature on earth, uh-huh, well, okay, what are you leaving with today, victoriaime, of course, why philosophically? well, in general, they are grounded somehow , how are you going to do this in reality? like in reality? so you leave the studio now, you wake up tomorrow, how will you work with this fear? i ’ll probably go straight away to drink coffee, i’ll take some cake , i’ll eat it for my future death, it’s great to accept it as given. and well, it seems to me that it’s true that only adults can go there to meet already, well, yes, because it turns out as if i’ve been there for so long, well, there’s disbelief, that there is , well, fear of death, well, i’m stuck in childhood , you know, the ancients didn’t just say moments of pestilence, they said remember death, they didn’t say avoid her, they said... or just remember about her, yeah, but you visit your mother at the cemetery? once, i had this thought, all the time of our program, for some reason i really want to recommend you to go to the cemetery, no matter how it sounds now, i was once after quarantine, t
Live Music Archive
Librivox Free Audio
Metropolitan Museum
Cleveland Museum of Art
Internet Arcade
Console Living Room
Open Library
American Libraries
TV News
Understanding 9/11
