we thank thee for the peace of mind you have given walter findlay since he joined your church. oh, walter, darling, come kneel with me. we thank thee for the spiritual comfort and the moral uplift you've given him. darling, please... kneel with me. we thank thee for making him a better person. but most of all, we thank thee for allowing walter to unload $5,000 worth of merchandise on the community church. maude, you are missing a very important point! i'm doing the church a favor. i'm giving them quality merchandise honey, i didn't know that. oh, walter, that's wonderful. why didn't you-- oh, walter, i can see it all now. "jesus saves... of course not. business is business. if you thought there was money in it, you'd be in hell right now, trying to sell the devil an air-conditioner. and it would probably be a larger unit than he needed. you know, maudie, you're really being too hard on walter. you just don't understand the reality of the businesses world. now, arthur, don't take walter's side. take his side, arthur, it'll serve him right. s doing is perfectly commonplace. well,

harmon's best friend-- walter findlay, the appliance dealer. uh-huh. if your horse ever needs an electric feedbag, i can probably get it for you wholesale. ( laughs ) who's the little woman? gee, duke, it takes a big man to call maude "the little woman." she's my wife. duke: oh, well, uh-- this is vivian, uh, my ball and chain. oh, arthur, you're funny. what is it you were gonna say, mrs., uh... uh... maude. mrs. maude. arthur: mrs. findlay. oh? would you like to say hello to some of your admirers? why don't we just come right over here? hey, maybe we can get a picture around the bar? oh, that's great. ( crowd murmuring ) that's john wayne. that's john wayne! he's in my house. big movie star. we call him "duke." e you, phillip? put it there, mr. wayne. well, i don't know, you look pretty strong! hey! i'm sorry, mr. wayne, i didn't mean to hurt ya. aw, that's all right, son. we need fellas like you with strong hands and short hair. grandma, can i see you a minute? duke, what'll you have? with all the cattle you've been around, you must've drunk a lot of

findlay. i'm an honest tax payer. here's the cheater you're looking for. ( strangles ) ha ha ha. how do you do, sir? i'm walter cheater--findlay. this is my wife, mrs. cheater...findlay. how do you do? oh...how--how do you do? here, let me take your hat. thank you. is, uh... something wrong, mrs. findlay? uh...no, no, no. uh... i don't think so. uh, my accountant won't be able to join us today. he just called from philadelphia. he's fogged in. actually, he's lucky it's foggy. i was there once when it was clear. ha ha ha. i was born in philadelphia. next time, keep your lousy jokes to yourself. maude: uh... that we've met before. could it've been many years ago? i'm afraid you're mistaken, mrs. findlay. well, here we are, sir. everything is all laid out, sir. neat and organized, sir. shouldn't take too long, sir. clarke. sir clarke, sir. sit down. make yourself comfortable. some coffee? uh, no. no, thank you. now i remember! charles town junior high. they called ya four eyes. you were the kid who always brought your lunch honey, can i see you in the kitchen for a moment? later. now! excuse us, mr. clarke. will

findlay is rehearsing her acceptance speech. walter: now, you listenmee! you stolwi me, walter! look, i'm sick and tired of your attitude. okay, yowa the ntin t famy?! okayhere!!! take the pants!!! walter, if you are stupid enough to stand around in your under shorts, me telyou one thing. what? our company's here. ughs ) ( laughs hysterically ) ( coughs ) at'so damned funny?! a) w ter, your bony knees. ha ha ha ha ha. and b) the expression on their faces. hi there, hausers, cronins. see? i just realize. i just realized that i don't want your pants. e doi' b in just a minute. maude, you're going? of course i'm k i owe you an apology. if i had known the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down, i'd have done a better job of ironing his shorts. maude, now we're going? is that i hea you say? all of a sudden, now we're going? i'm going, walter, you're not. you're going?u talking about? out of my way, walter. i am a woman, and because i am a woman, i must make myself beautifulfor. erful head start. now, come on, maude. you cat accept the husband and the wife of the year award

recorded organ music plays ) my friends, we are gathered here today to share the joy of walter and maude findlay, two beloved people... soft of heart, sweet of spirit... strong of will, and selfless of soul. walter, do you take maude to be your beloved wife to love, honor and cherish? mm-hmm. you do. and do you, maude, take walter to be your beloved husband? i do. may i have the ring, please? walter, maude, as you know, this ring symbolizes your commitment to each other. place the ring on maude's finger. no, thank you. we've decided not to wear rings. maude! the ring is part of the ceremony. it binds. maude. maude! you are supposed to wear a ring! it's traditional! i've decided you're absolutely right. there is no earthly reason why either one of us should wear a wedding ring. but you've gotta wear one, maude! you're the woman! i'm the woman, walter? hang in there, walter. i've always thought of her as a woman. you mean this band is a symbol of ownership? your slave! you do not own me. ladies. ladies! come on, now! ladies!!! ladies!!! come on, now! this is a wedding! look, can we goose this alon

findlay residence! cheerio! pip-pip and a yank in the raf." be quiet, walter, or you'll get a yank in the raf you'll never forget. walter, i resent your implying that i am a snob. i couldn't care less what nationality she is. ( bell rings ) that's mrs. naugatuck. now, remember, walter, she's british, so for heaven's sake, don't act like the ugly american. you're not that good-looking to start with. let's just think of her as greer garson in mrs. miniver, and make her feel at home. mrs. naugatuck? you really should do something about them steps. i nearly broke me bloody bum. what did i tell you? another greer garson. i'm maude findlay. this is my husband walter and my daughter carol. how do you do? uh, you know, mrs. naugatuck, i am a bit of an anglophile. that means "english buff," walter. you've been to london? no, but i have relatives in toronto. and i have been to the london bridge in arizona. oh, my! it has fallen down, hasn't it? mother tells us you lived in brisbane. yes. but i didn't get to see much of it. i was ever so busy. oh, as a housekeeper? in a

i'll tell you what i'm talking about, walter findlay. your husbandly duties. i can't help it if i'm tired, maude. with the inflation and the high prices, come on now, walter. this is one function we cannot blame on nixon. don't blame it all on me, maude. sunday night i was awake. or was it monday? you know, honey, i'm beginning to realize what's happening to you. the flashes of temper, the pipe, the bedroom, your new shoes-- they're all symptomatic. what are you talking about? these shoes are the latest things. they're stylish. they're comfortable. take them off, walter. what for? take them off. take them off and i'll show you. all right. i will. is it a crime for a man to wanna feel as tall as his wife? you poor man. you know, walter, what's happening to you is exactly what we saw on that tv special the other night. no, walter. male menopause. you gotta be kidding. i am not kidding, walter. you're exactly like that man on the show. the middle-aged one with the mustache? wearing the fancy sports jacket, the high heels and-- and smoking the pipe. for crying out

and, oh, walter, i know i couldn't have honey, my guy, my guy, walter findlay, chosen tuckahoe's businessman of the year. (audience laughs) winner of this year's tuckie award. (audience laughs) ah, come on, walter. walter, honey, i am so sorry i came in in the middle of the presentation and everything. oh, walter, they can have their oscars i love your tuckie. (audience laughs) oh, walter, sweetheart, i know what an honor it is. your name on this trophy along with other tuckahoe men of the year, art of art's gas station. joe gamble, night manager of chicken delight. mario leonetti, philanthropist. and part-owner of the pussycat porno theater. i mean, but i really blew the whole thing. oh, but, honey, walter, when you find out why i was late, i know you're going to understand. walter, i know that tonight was the most important night of your life. but, walter, i just had the most incredible honor bestowed on me too. walter, you know what? you're gone, that's what. (audience laughs) excuse for being late tonight. - forget it, carol. i mean, this is not the time. - oh, now, maude, come on. you'v

my name's walter findlay. i'm the president, president of findlay's friendly appliances. the first lady, you can fool all of the people some of the time, and you can fool some of the people, all of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. that does it! walter, get me the phone book. who do you wanna call?

. >> walter findlay i never said that standing up and you know it. >> turned the spinoff into an arttes to hear it called the leer factory. allowing leer to move from show to show like a dervish. >> good times was like holy smokes there is black people on tv. >> there'd never been a complete black family on tv with the father. >> what it made it so unique and universal is we have the same problems in our household and we don't live in the projects in chicago. >> dynamite. >> you want worry your head about nothing do it. $36 in the shoe box and another $6 in my pox. >> you wourkd all night and all they paid you was $6. >> tlarp lot of folks not happy with the show. the black panthers were very upset. and when huey newton came to see me, the big complaint was why can't we see a black person that's doing better than that? >> starting with archie bunker. >> don't call me punk. >> why so all sensitive all of a sudden. >> how would you like it if i called you nigge, r. >> you call me n --. >> just brought gravitas to television. >> what are you staring at. >> i was just thinking i ought to

findlay"? walter, how long have you been carrying this around? 29 years. sweetheart, why did you feel you had to keep it hidden from me? because it's embarrassing. it's stupid, it's childish, it's dumb... and very important to me. i was at the stage door canteen the night before they shipped me out to new jersey. i was 21, and a-- and a hollywood movie star put her lipstick print on my cocktail doily. and at first i kept it because i loved her, and then, later, it just sort of became a good luck charm. i couldn't throw it away. i'd buy a new wallet and stick jane russell's lips in it. maude, promise me you won't tell anybody. oh, sweetheart... look, i promise i won't tell anybody about this if... if you don't tell anybody about this-- you know, the little scar i have here? yeah, from the firecracker. billy goodfield. it's a private corner of my world. walter, i was 16, and...ohh... billy and i were dancing at the totem pole lodge in norumbega lake in newton, massachusetts. vaughn monroe and his orchestra were there. ( imitating vaughn monroe ) ? racing wit

findlay, the pizza man's been out there a long time. ere is mr. fontazu? ( all shouting ) where is mr. fontazu? maude, why don't you do a number? walter, i am the producer. i'll tell you what i'll do. i'll go out and make another speech for funds i'm sure he'll be here in just a few seconds. listen, please keep phoning until you come down with something. i mean, come up with something. come on, everybody. let's all pitch in and get a disease for maude. thank you, thank you. mr. formica, that was truly ladies and gentlemen, your response has been heartwarming, and please remember that every penny you pledge goes to fight a malady that could attack your husband, your wife, or even someone you love. pst pst. pst pst. oh, oh, good, good. ladies and gentlemen-- ladies and gentlemen, you have all heard of that famous singer ul anka, huh? well your mystery telethon is proud to present, in person, tonight, on this very stage, mr. anka's own gardner, mr. amiel fontazu! singing one of mr. anka's all time hits. maude, fontazu isn't here! you go and get him and i'll just ad lib-- i can't, maude! you sing the song. oh, come on, walter. i can't sing the song. i mean i