i'm talking about this man captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, i kick off "the colbert report" summer concert series. it will be just like mtv but with music. then new developing technology. i hope it's a rob-- robot that can protect me from my tivo. and my guest bon iver has a new album called bon iver or i might have that backwards. 8% of u.s. kids have food allergies. luckily very little of what they eat is technically food. >> this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. whooo! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) wow, thank you. you know, it's hard to tell you about it almost sounds like you folks want me to do an encore and i haven't even played yet. folks, what a gorgeous day in manhattan. sunshine, warm breezes it just reminded me how much i don't trust summer. (laughter) why is it being so nice. what's it up

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, this is good stuff. welcome to the report. thank you so much, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good to have you with us. nation, this is one of those rare days that make me proud to be a newsman. to report history as it happens. because i think we will all remember where we were when we found out that this is, in fact, anthony weiner's [bleep]. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i know, it's shocking. he's so thin. naked he must look like a windsock hanging off a parking meter. now he said this wasn't him. but today at an emergency press conference the truth came out, like a-- (laughter) like a dolphin wiggling free of a blanket. jim. >> last friday night i tweeted a photograph of myself that i intended to send as a direct message as part of a joke to a woman in seattle. once i realized i had posted it to twitter i pani

congressman anthony weiner in captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." thank you very much. oh, yeah, i gotcha. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you, folks. [cheers and applause] thank you. please. thank you for joining us. good to have you with us. i'm glad you're as excited as i am because, nation, the 2012 republican presidential race is heating up faster than a slice of godfather's pizza. [laughter] mostly because former godfather's c.e.o. herman cain has fired up his liberal burning oven. they love him in new hampshire, but iowa republicans have eyes on cain, too, and not just because before they recognized him they were about to call security. [laughter] yesterday... yesterday cain wowed an iowa crowd by calling obama care a drain on our nation's resources and on our printer to toner. jim? >> don't try to pass a 2,700-page bill. and even they didn't read it. that's why i'm going to only allo

[cheers an captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh

. >> captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: bell come to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. you know with that pulsing rhythm of your chant, you just make me want to ballroom dance. folks, as you know i'm a huge fan of the basketball. it's the orange one, right, the big-- (laughter) >> stephen: tonight, of course, it was game five of the nba finals. i haven't seen it yet because this show tapes before the big game but let me be the first to say, wow. (laughter) can you believe all that dribbling? they just never stop doing that. what a rousing basketball-filled contest. (laughter) >> stephen: but first i want to address some other big nba news that happened just last week. jim? >> after 19 years i'm announcing my retirement from professional basketball. >> stephen: incidentally, since he made that announcement shaq's free throw percentage has actual

insinuating about him with young g captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, did the world end? could be -- a lot of places were closed yesterday. [laughter] then, my guest, author james stewart has a new book about lies, which i totally read. [laughter] i just spent seven days on a boat with no showers. so i'm not sure if this is a beard or barnacles. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colb captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] ahoy, land lubbers. welcome to the reporrrrrrt! [laughter] thank ye fer joining us. forgive my grizzled visage and hollow, haunted eyes, for i have just sailed seven days on the heaving breast of cruel poisedon in the 2011 charrrrleston-to-bermuda yacht race! there i be at the helm. [laughter] now i know what lies beyond the horizon's salty veil. the buffeting winds, ravenous whales as long as twelve stout men laid head to heel. don't ask me how i know. [laughter] luckily, before i set sail, i steeled myself against

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org up at wgbh access.wgbh.org,

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioned by mediass group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>> your realtime captioner is linda marie macdonald. >>> firefighters call it a worst-case scenario. >> i saw from i think across the street a giant black cloud above that looked like it came from the back. >> the result, a tragedy not seen in san francisco in 15 years. >> the fire department is like a family. and we lost a family member today. >> an arrest, a line-up, a lie detector, but still no charges. tough questions for the los angeles police chief on the dodgers stadium assault case. >>> and the bay area officers accused of reselling confiscated drugs and even running a brothel? now starting to look like a federal case. >>> good evening, i'm dana king. >> i'm allen martin. >>> in san francisco tonight, the fire department is mourning the loss of one of

captioning sponsoredy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> dr. pepper presents: ♪ rock you like a sugar cane [cheers and applause] >> stephen: woo! woo! boom! woo! [cheers and applause] welcome to the show, everybody. [cheers and applause] lovely, that's lovely. thank you so much. welcome to the report begun everybody. [cheers and applause] as you can tell people are loving steve fest cobecella-011. let me start by saying -- [laughter] some of you you may understand that. folks brrk we get to the rock 'n' roll, nation, some news to touch on. nation, the republican race for 2012 is heating up. today, former obama ambassador to china. and current crest white strips after-photo jon huntsman got in the race. jim? >> i'm jon huntsman, and i'm running for president of the united states. we're not just choosing new we're not just choosing new leaders. we're choosing whether we are to be yesterday's story or tomorrow's. >> stephen: of course jon huntsman intends to be tomor

pornographic pictures of himself captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: wow, thank you. thank you very much. welcome to the report, thank you very much. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. it was a battle for dominant there. there was someone going stephen, stephen, and then stephen, stephen over here and one person chanting stool! (cheers and applause) it's a beautiful word it just slips off the tongue. sit down. sit down. sit down, you're embarrassing yourself. lady-- ladies and gentlemen, i apologise and i will not explain. nation, nation, i never thought i would say this but i have had it up to here with anthony weiner's penis. (laughter) >> stephen: and yes, i regret putting my hand there. but this weekend more photos of the congressman were released. it's a series of self-portraits taken in the congressional gym locker room showing weiner posing while holding his-- let's say barbells. now i'm not happy

pornographic pictures of himse captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhess.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." that you can for joining us. folks, i've got to tell you. please, listen, folks, you know, people may call me old-fashioned, but to me the real news organizations are the big four-- cbs, nbc, abc, and mebc. (laughter) and as top news dog out there, i look after the rest of the pack. i give helpful advice to the on-camera talent. not many people know this, but i'm the one who suggested that sam donaldson replace his eyebrows with muskrats. (laughter) makes him seem more trustworthy that way. you know, katie couric just left the "cbs evening news" anchor chair to open, i believe a storm door company. (laughter) and last night i tuned in to the very first broadcast of the new cbs anchor ander is which you arery 21 realtor scott pelley. (laughter) and i've got to say, his first broadcast was a disaster! just two

>> lindsay graha captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) >> dr pepper presents, teamfest coachella 011. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪. >> stephen: whooo! whooo! whooo! (cheers and applause) whooo! whooo, whooo, whooo! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thanks for joining us, folks. it is the last night of my summer concert series and of course i save the biggest name for last, me. (laughter) >> stephen: later tonight jack white and i are going to present my new hit song, so wake the kids and ask them who jack white is. (laughter) >> stephen: but first, afghanistan. last night the president addressed the nation from the east room of the white house, or as it's been officially renamed,the i killed bin laden room. (laughter) >> stephen: personally i thought it was in poor taste for them to put up the championship banner. (laughter) >> stephen: anyway, you'

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ i'mark, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ today on "the maury povich show" -- these poor, unfortunate people all have horrible disfigurements. and you won't believe how we exploit them for your amusement! that sounds pretty good. mrph rhmmhm rm.

that this was a selfish, nacaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> dr. er presents steve fest colbechella 011. ♪ rock you like a sugar cane [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to the report. good to have you with us, everybody. [cheers and applause] i would call you nation but based on that clapping -- rhythm nation, it's the third night of my summer concert series and i am ready to rock out with my sock out-- and you know what's in my sock. [laughter] but before we get to tonight's jam-splosion, regular viewers know i've never been a fan of george w. bush. [laughter] you can check the tape. jimmy, we've destroyed the tape, right? >> yep! >> stephen: good. but i have to admit, he has made the most of his post-presidency. last night at a texas rangers game, president bush made his greatest contribution yet. he helped break the guinness world record for most people wearing sunglasses in the dark! he di

he's going to be here tocaptiony comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, how can republicans attract the youth vote? i say we spread the rumor that mitt romney is a sexy vampire. and then seniors face a shocking new threat, their grandchildren might not be the smartest, most talented children in the world. and keith olberman returns to television. it will be the worst interview in the world! a 99-year-old oregon man just graduated from college. ouch! terrible time to enter the job market. this is "the colbert report" captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] that's nice. thank you so much, everybody. welcome to the report. please -- [cheers and applause] , please, folks, nation, with us to have you good. i'm so outraged i can't keep my sentences straights but our enemies in iran led by their if a nautical ayatollah khomeini have perpetrated another attack on the people. when are you going to in

[cheers and] >> stephcaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [ gunshots ]

good night.g# captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org flamesgetting started. fo >>> fire season readiness. how the bay area is trying to be ready. >>> and former bart officer lois -- >>> funding in the cross hairs. why fair-goers say they should be offlimits. cbs 5 eyewitness news is next. we spend a lot of time together. well mainly in traffic. i'm serious. we've been together, what, a super long time. true. and at first it was all business, you know, i'd take him here, i'd take him there. everywhere. and over the years, we've really bonded. sure. why else would you always buy me chevron with techron? 'cause we need gas.

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> here comes jon stewart >> here comes jon stewart ( laughter ) >> thank you very much for being here. i wanted to take some time to clear up some of the questions that have been raised about my behavior over the past ten days or so and... ( laughter ) to take full responsibility for my actions. i... i have made some mistakes and i have hurt those closest to me. ( laughter ) last friday night, a congressman whose name is synonymous with a sexual organ... ( laughter ) sent a photo of... it... to a young woman on twitter. it was by any standards a gift from the comedy... whatever it is comedians have that takes the place of a god. ( laughter ) last week, we spent three days on this story. we did over 59 jokes. ( laughter ) nine penis puns. we used an r. kelly impersonator to provide "trapped in the closet"-style commentary. and i... ( laughter ) and i personally said the word ( bleep ) ten times. ( laughter ) i acknowledge... ( applause ) i acknowledge a personal friendship with the congressman and yet express my belief that he was not

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, i await the fec's decision on my pac. change is coming -- and hopefully a lot of large bills too. [laughter] then, a survey names america's least active city. it's a big announcement, so put on your formal sweatpants. [laughter] and my guest, gary sinise is here to talk about entertaining the troops. luckily, this is their favorite show. [laughter] every time god closes a door, he opens a window. clearly, he's not the one paying for air conditioning. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. [cheers and applause] [crowd channeling stephen] --] crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. please sit down. [cheers and applause] i know you are excited. the holidays are coming up. folks, monday is july fourth, named for our four fathers: george. benjamin, thomas, and ringo. [laughter] i always check my calendar to find out what day it falls on, and th

top of the pizza off, you're not justcaptioning y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ready to go. >> stephen: tonighti congressman anthon weiner tweet lewd pictures of his fourth branch of government? [laughter] then who's riding my coattails now? i hope it's a monkey. that would be cute. and my guest, robert fm kennedy, jr., is in a new comery about mountaintop mining. he's making a mountain out of a molehill that used to be a mountain. i got rid of my beard, and let's just say the lack of carpet matches the lack of drapes. this is the "the colbert report" captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: folks, i mean this in the nicest possible way, if i were a vampire, i would feast on your life force. welcome to "the report," everybody. good to have you with us. folks, last night i told you about semigovernor sarah palin's new one nation bus tour. her freedom wagon of pac-funded professional tourism. well, it's only day four and she's already managed to do the unthinkable, spend