♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>phen: tonight the fcc rules about whether i can talk about my pac on the air. spoilary all right, i'm talking about my pac on the air. then, can we trust pakistan to find out i'll close my eyes and fall into their arms. (laughter) >> stephen: and my guest timothy garton ash believes reporting the facts can change the course of history. then again, so can wikipedia. a french couple has adopted a 265 pound gor la. and in tomorrow's news, a french couple is malled by newly orphanned gor la. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )

cappella "born this way," she captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] >> stephen: very nice. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for is joining us. that is the pure uncut stuff you just gave me. i wish i could cook you people up in a spoon. folks, we are only 16 months away from the 2012 presidential election. i'm as excited as a kid on the 483rd night before christmas. [laughter] and what's got me jazzed is that the republican field is brimming with superstars. i don't know how i'll decide between the ten of them. it's like an all-you-can-eat you got white bread, white rice, cream of wheat, potatoes, mash potatoes, boiled potatoes, potato flakes, mayonnaise, packing peanuts, and for dessert: herman cain. [cheers and applause] that was tasty. jimmy, give me some more of that sweet candy cain. ♪ he's a true son of the south born and raised the american way ♪ hi

and come down to the wir captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning spony comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. whoo, whoo! welcome to "the report." thank you so much. [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome. good to have you with us. folks, sorry about the glasses. sorry about these. i'm just... oh, my god, my eyes are still adjusting. i have not seen daylight since friday because this weekend marked the beginning of legal gay marriage in new york. [laughter] and to escape the force-five gay-nado engulfing the city, i retreated to my underground hetero-bunker. now, i originally bought it for y2k, but i have recently adapted it to "y-too-gay." now, it is stocked with things that straight men love -- a ten-year supply of manwich, all eight seasons of "magnum p.i.," and a dodge pickup -- ram tough! well, it turns out if you're enclosed in a poorly ventilated space, you should not leave your truck idling or ea

one and it made a -- >> captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow, welcome to the report. thank you so much! i got to tell you-- (cheers and applause) i tell you, folks, i-- i love that so much. i could hear it twice a night. nation, the debt ceiling debate drags on and on and frankly both parties have been acting like children. with the republicans saying gimme, gimme, gimme and the democrats saying take it, take it, take it, just don't hit me it is causing problems for both parties. yesterday john mccain attack the tea party for their naivete. >> the idea seems to be that if a house gop refuses to raise the debt ceiling a default crisis or gradual government shutdown will ensue and the public will turn en masse against barack obama and the tea party hobbits could return to middle earth having defeated mordor. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: then-- then mark mec

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org it meanin america? wait about a week and we might all find out. (laughter) then showdown over the debt ceiling. will democrats cave or simply crumble? (laughter) and my guest, brooke gladstone is a radio host with a new graphic novel. maybe someday she'll put sound with pictures. (laughter) nasa has found volcanos on the dark side of the moon-- and they erupt in sync the wizard of oz. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody. thank you so much. is (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you for joining us. thank you, folks. you know, that is really lovely to hear. you know, i am not one to call attention to myself. (laughter) but every time i go to google news and type in "stephen colbert" it seems like every story is about me. (laughter) no, this time it's about my relationship with former godfather's pizza c.e.o. republican presidential candidate

by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org we'll have the latest...urvivor of the fishing trip tragedy tells his story... w says helped him and t >>> breaking news, police in richmond at the scene of a triple shooting. >>> a child in serious condition. police blame a teenager in a stolen car. cbs 5 eyewitness news is next. ,,

ordering a cheesebugger, fries captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhgbh.org

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media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> dr. pepper presents: ♪ rock you like a sugar cane [cheers and applause] >> stephen: woo! woo! boom! woo! [cheers and applause] welcome to the show, everybody. [cheers and applause] lovely, that's lovely. thank you so much. welcome to the report begun everybody. [cheers and applause] as you can tell people are loving steve fest cobecella-011. let me start by saying -- [laughter] some of you you may understand that. folks brrk we get to the rock 'n' roll, nation, some news to touch on. nation, the republican race for 2012 is heating up. today, former obama ambassador to china. and current crest white strips after-photo jon huntsman got in the race. jim? >> i'm jon huntsman, and i'm running for president of the united states. we're not just choosing new we're not just choosing new leaders. we're choosing whether we are to be yesterday's story or tomorrow's. >> stephen: of course jon huntsman intends to be tomorrow's story. because for him, yesterday's story i

heels up and shout throw my hands up andcaptioningy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhg captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: nice! [cheers and applause] nice! [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. thank you. [cheers and applause]

. ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgephen: tonight the fcc rules about whether i can talk about my pac on the air. spoilary all right, i'm talking about my pac on the air. then, can we trust pakistan to find out i'll close my eyes and fall into their arms. (laughter) >> stephen: and my guest timothy garton ash believes reporting the facts can change the course of history. then again, so can wikipedia. a french couple has adopted a 265 pound gor la. and in tomorrow's news, a french couple is malled by newly orphanned gor la. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! thank you for joining us. thank you, everybody. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: beautiful, thank you so much, everybody. you're too kind. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you, thank you here, up there, i want to say i had to any half -- thieves who are joining us tonight. hope all your attacks a

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, should students be taught gay history? only if they're teaching that gay is history. [laughter] then a controversy at the "today show." the cooking segment got out of control and they ate matt lauer. and my guest will discuss his book "incognito: the secret lives of the brain." if i find out my brain has been seeing another skull, i will be pissed. you say potato, i say who are you and why are you saying "potato" to me? this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] [awed -- audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you. thank you. welcome to "the report." ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. you know, sometimes i am tempted to keep you people from chanting, but then i think, why waste your breath moaning? nothing can be done to stop the shouting. nation, thank you for picking me up with that cheering, because this is without a doubt a dark time for america. partly because it's night. [laughter] but also because thi

[cheering and applause] captioniy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

one and it made a -- >> captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhtephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow, welcome to the report. thank you so much! i got to tell you-- (cheers and applause) i tell you, folks, i-- i love that so much. i could hear it twice a night. nation, the debt ceiling debate drags on and on and frankly both parties have been acting like children. with the republicans saying gimme,im

heels up and shout throw my hands up andcaptioningy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhess.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: nice! [cheers and applause] nice! [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks -- [cheers and applause] we've got to get to this news. [cheers and applause] folks -- [cheers and applause] thank you so much. i understand. believe me i understand the feeling. this is how i start my day. [cheers and applause] folks we've got to get to it because america is rapidly approaching a day of reckoning that will have massive implications for all of us. because tomorrow is the deadline for owners of the nissan leaf to submit ideas for the official leaf wave that leaf owners will use when saying hello to each other. [laughter] obama's shown no leadership on this! [laughter] now, as a proud petroleum-american, i already h

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight surprising revelations about the beatles. they may have run out of new formats in which you must rebuy all their music. and now the natural gas industry tries to counter bad press. i suggest blaming the gas on the dog dog. slav (laughter) >> then i sit down with the founding publisher of skeptic magazine, or so he claims (laughter) >> a new study found that men like to cuddle and another new study shows that men will say anything to dpet a researcher into bed. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow! >> stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! good to have you with us. i got to tell you, that chant -- that chant was so good, that if i did not know better i would have thought you just practiced that. (laughter) nation, i hope you had a great fou

ordering a cheesebugger, fries captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight will america default on its debt? and if so, will canada let us crash on their couch for a while? then, a fresh young face for the republican party. he's only 235 years old. [laughter] and my guest david mccullough has a new book about americans in paris. sounds like somebody wants to deduct his vacation. [laughter] a six-year-old beauty queen has retired. i'm not surprised -- she was starting to get crow's dimples. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. woo! woo! boom boom boom boom! [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. that kind of chanting makes me want to say, you are the man! but -- [laughter] i don't want to get that wrong. [laughter] nation, we all know the gop's number one priority is to make sure obama is a one-term president. but i say, aim higher. make h

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> july 25th, 2011 from comedy central world news headquarters in new york, this is the dale he show with swron stewart captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show with jon stewart. we have a very good show tonight. our guest tonight, neil patrick her is. (cheers and applause) now as you know many of our viewers live in the northern hemisphere. (laughter) i dot longitudes and latitudes but i really don't-- (laughter) an experienced-- (laughter) a lot of map lovers in the audience. anyway, in the hemisphere has experienced in the past week a weather phenomenon of extreme heat called labs, falaro where the sun gets close enough to the earth to hug it. and then do this to it it but where we humans saw hardship, tv weather news people saw hot-pertunity. >> we just took this justy t bone out of the fri see if we can cook it on the dashboard of a car. >> you can really cook eggs on a street, bake cookies on a dashboard. >> the mac and cheese have cooked. >> i will taste the pizza. >>

according to police reports -- y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

applause][cheerin] >> stcaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhccess.wgbh.org. [stately organ music] ♪ [tires screech] (sister mary francis) step away from the curb, children. [tires screech] [tires screech] hi, sister. you look terrific today. what have you done with your hair? you're late again, rick. i know, i know, but i have a very good excuse. there can be no excuse for tardiness. you're right. you're-- you're absolutely right. i'm--i'm sorry. i should never have stopped and saved that drowning infant. i'm--i'm weak, sister. i'm just so weak. all right, now, stop that. children, on the bus. sister, if you ever get lonely after vespers, i am the man to call. my number's in the book. get going, rick. you're late enough as it is. think about it, okay? okay, come along, children. [stately orchestral music] ♪ [rick over intercom] attention, passengers, we are now leaving nun central on our journey to hell and beyond. the captain has turned off the no-smoking sign, and you may now move about the cabin freely. [kid screams] [kids shouting] thank yo

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, i await the fec's decision on my pac. change is coming -- and hopefully a lot of large bills too. [laughter] then, a survey names america's least active city. it's a big announcement, so put on your formal sweatpants. [laughter] and my guest, gary sinise is here to talk about entertaining the troops. luckily, this is their favorite show. [laughter] every time god closes a door, he opens a window. clearly, he's not the one paying for air conditioning. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. [cheers and applause] [crowd channeling stephen] --] crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. please sit down. [cheers and applause] i know you are excited. the holidays are coming up. folks, monday is july fourth, named for our four fathers: george. benjamin, thomas, and ringo. [laughter] i always check my calendar to find out what day it falls on, and th

spice whistle ] report," evecaptioning sponsorey comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhess.wgbh.o

captioning sponsoredy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, florida governor rick scott looks far way to increase his popularity. try telling everyone in boca you're their grandson. (laughter) then, ted nugent writes an op-ed. what's black and white and covered with the blood of small game? (laughter) plus, my guest is the president of americans for tax reform, grover norquist. i'm going to claim his as a dependent. (laughter) the supreme court ruled it's legal to sell silent video games to kids. get ready for grand theft tetris. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you! thank you so much. i had no idea that you guys could read cue cards. (laughter) welcome to the "report," good to have you with us, and thank you all for watching our last show before the earth swallows new york and drags it to hell. (laughter) because on friday the stat