(laughter) good night, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

we're concerned, the lying, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you. welcome to the report. please, sit down! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, thank you. we've got to go. we have a huge, huge show for you tonight. my guest tonight, my guest will be mark cuban, he is the owner of the n.b.a. champion dallas mavericks and internet entrepreneur and former "dancing with the stars" mumbo king ♪ if you want to go take a ride with me smot ♪ ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, don't worry, i have made him sign a sworn affidavit that he will not make that face ( laughter ) speaking of ( bleep ) grins, colbert's superpac, thanks to the supreme court's citizenses united ruling, superpacs can take unlimbed donations as long as hay don't coordinate with campaigns, and they reveal their donors, as i have with my crawl of heroes down here. ( laughter ) and i have been moved by the diversity of the donors, folks. scottish americ

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new source of revenue for the airline industry-- now, only first class gets to land. then, shocking reports out of afghanistan-- also, tons of heroin. and my guest, coldplay have a new album called "mylo xyloto." if you say it backwards, they return to their home dimension. antidepressant use is up 400% since 1988. someone should do something about that but, god, it just seems so impossible. this is "the colbert report." ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. please, thank you for join joining us. nation... nation, by now, you've all heard the big news-- coldplay is here. ( cheers and applause ) speaking of colds, there's also big news out of libya. jimmy? make the tv speak. >> a u.s. government official now says that libya's leaders hav

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org cess group at wgbhrealtime captioner is linda marie macdonald. >>> this may be my last news interview as chief of police. >> oakland's top cop suddenly resigns. what he says was the final straw and the question that got a stormy response from the mayor. >>> they shouldn't be sold in the store. >> some parents say there is nothing sweet about it. pot head candy, being sold to kids. >>> a revolution in birth control. the cutting edge new options for men. >>> good evening, i'm allen martin. >> i'm dana king. >>> frustrated oakland police chief anthony batts is calling it quits. >> he says that he is tired of jumping bureaucratic hurdles. what he wouldn't say is whether his often strained relationship with mayor jean quan was the final stumble block. mayor quan abruptly left the press conference where the

rnment is w napolior being here. nn;ç captioning sponsored by captioned by media access group at wgbh.wgbh.org

i'm see you back here captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orglive))) (((kim live))) "...the nfl wouldn't be what it is today if it wasn't for al davis" and his legacy - both on and off the field. cbs five eyewitness news is next. good evening, i'm ann notarangelo. al davis was a polarizing,,,,,,

[cheering and applause]captioniy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight a surprise surge in the polls for herman cain. could he become america's first black president i acknowledge? then ashton walked out on demi -- i'm sorry. [laughter] plus my guest tonight, our musical group black stars. demi does not look a day over 30. she has not had any work done. the nobel committee has -- i can't believe they didn't last. if they don't make it, nobody. can this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. please. sit down, everybody. i want the thank you for that ovation. i mean this in the best possible way, i am a junkie and you are my pusher. welcome to "the report." nation, my guests tonight are black star, fronted by legendary hippity poppers, mos def, you lamo grandpas out there, and friend of the show talib kweli. there is an electric atmosphere in the house, dare i say in the hizzi. i'm sorry. what's that? i don't dare. okay. let's edit that out. my apologies to the entire hizzie. speaking of black star, herman

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org i got it, i'm sorry. these people, huh?anger is the enemy of instruction. you don't know the egos that i have to deal with. you're probably right. thank you! whoever you are. i'm pretty sure that was phil jackson. he's quite famous... million championships... triangle offense innovator... [ male announcer ] the audi a8. named best large luxury sedan. nice wheels zen master. thank you...todd. ♪ >>> a woman lost her home after a earthquake in turkey, but was thankful her children were not home after the quake that was almost an eight killed a hundred and it could go to the thousands. the power is out and it is even more difficult to find survivors. >> it is hard to see the workers relying on generators that are loud to continue to work. they cannot hear the people screaming for help and they are stuck in the buildings in the rubble. >> in the city, it is hard to sift after reporting the casualties, they need supplies and tents and rescue teams and the several countries along with the united states are helping. >>> this is the

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight police crack down on occupy wall street protestors. satisfied? someone on wall street is going to jail. then new developments in the nba lockout. will lebron be taking his talents to the fries station at ar bees? and my guest country music star toby keith has done 18 o-- 180 shows for the uso. we'll talk about the one time i went. a california-- was caught selling illegal pain kills out of a starbucks. hey, everyone else in starbucks, now you finally got a great idea for that screenplay. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, thank you so much. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steveen, stephen! >> stephen: that came out very nicely. thank you so much. folks, you know, by the way you are chanting you would think i was famous. (laughter) folks, it is a dark day in america. our way of life is under attack fro

(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [applause] thanks for coming out. thanks for watching. love, peace, and hair grease. [applause] hey, liz. me, lutz, toofer, and josh are gonna go to that bar where the waiters are dressed like ninjas.

there's fecal strep on my captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: sorry, i want to tell you, hold on, write the show! (laughter) >> what would you like to search for? >> i don't want to search for anything, i want to write the show. (beeping) >> searching the web for "search for anything i want to write the show" (laughter) >> stephen: sorry, folks, i was just talking to my new iphone 4s it's got voice recognition technology that answers any question. it's really cool and i've been playing with it all day so i lost track of time and don't have anything for tonight's show. (laughter) hold on one second, okay. all right, hold on. come on, baby. come on. what am i talking about tonight? >> no comment. (laughter) >> stephen: for the love of god! the cameras are on! give me something. >> what are you looking? camera stores or churches? (laughter) >> stephen: (bleep) you. (cheers and applause) >> i wish that i could. (laughter) >> stephen: moving on. you know what? let's just fre

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org. >> stephen: tonight, a new way to crack down on illegal immigration. has anyone asked them to leave in espanol? [laughter] and it's the jewish new year, so put on your little flat party hats. then ken burns is here to talk about his new documentary "prohibition." in his honor, i will interview him hammered. amazon unveiled its new ipad competitor, the kindle fire. i'm going to use mine to order the new iphone. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. you're very kind. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you very much, you especially. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. thank you so much. thank you so much. thank you. please, please. folks, folks, you know what, if i were here, i'm sure i would do the same thing. and, folks, everybody out there in not-on-tv land, it must seem to you as though all us celebrities know each other. i bet you think somewhere j

there's fecal strep on my captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhwgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause )

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org area tonight...and the actor-activist leading one f the largest. >>> frustration spreads across the country and now across continents. and one of the activists leading a demonstration in the bay area. >>> a big turnout over crime in a bay area community. the simple plan unveiled to make the streets safer. >>> police predicted it might happen. why officers were called to the scene of a hell's angels funeral in the south bay. cbs 5 eyewitness news is next. ,,

. ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgoning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )

[cheering and applause]captioniy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgg, yah. wanna come? oh, i can't. my cousin is in town. all right. see ya though. mm-hmm. liz, i'm getting drinks with recently-divorced camera guy. you in? well, uh... legally separated sound guy's gonna be there. oh. i-i don't feel well. oh. okay. hey, liz lemon. i'm going to an animals-only strip club. interested? does that mean the animals strip, or the animals are the customers? animal customers? that's ridiculous. well, um, i have got a date. so...i...yeah.

polls, nah, they're forcaptioniy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgnight, a new way to crack down on illegal immigration. has anyone asked them to leave

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new immigration law has unintended consequences. you can now be deported for taco tuesday. [laughter] then halloween horror. this year someone is handing out crazens. and my guest taylor brant says college athletes deserve to be paid. why? they're just going to blow it on something frivolous like student lobe debt. it's the tenth anniversary of the patriot act. but what do you get for the government that knows everything? this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: yeah. not bad. thank you very much. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. please. sit down. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, everybody knows i'm an animal lover. beef, pork, poultry, even fish. i am incensed every time peta speaks for the animals. they can speak for themselves. evidently all they care about is cereal and insurance. [laughter] and now, folks, peta is speaking for the whales. >> tal

how do you captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, big changes in the republican field. it's a ten-way tie for "not romney." (laughter) then, a music legend gets into trouble. turns out billy joel did start the fire! (laughter) and my guest is award-winning actor john lithgow. our emmys are going to have a play date. (laughter) nbc has canceled "the playboy club." apparently just watched it for the articles. this is "the colbert report". the (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much, welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us. (crowd chanting "stephen") thank you very much. oh, ladies and gentlemen, that is music to my ear. nation, yoon about you, but i could not be more excited about all the options in the g.o.p. presidential field. (laughter) these candidates are like the perfect appetizer sampler platter. you've got pizza bites, crazy bread, boiled potato, texas toast, foie gras, imitation foie gras, uninspected squirrel jerky all w

finds god, becomes a savior captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight new developments in my colbert superpac. i can't wait to find out if i'm legally obligated it to tell you about them. (laughter) and my guest lieutenant colonel jason amerine has done two tours of duty in afghanistan in the last ten years. halfway through the interview i will turn my interest toward iraq. a scientific panel has recommended against prostate testing. but my prostate was up all night cramming. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. thank you, please, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i've got to tell you, on nights like this when i hear that applause, it's like i've snorted a line of you. (laughter) and folks, i-- i

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(laughter) good night, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhess.wgbh.org oh, hey, i, uh, i found your lipstick. oh! oh, no, this isn't mine. this is sunset blush. i wear tiger orgasm. but it was in my apartment. [sniffs] i don't know why i told you about the pop-tart. but that's weird. it's just me and pete at my place. hello, ladies.

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (b(r(bxmh(b(r(bxb >> october 17, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. man, we've got a show for you today. so glad you could join us. we're back, baby. on tonight ellen schultz, the author of the retirement heist which is a great flick. starring jack nicholson. i'm sorry. it's about pension funds maximizing their own profit. it's so far fetched. here's what i think happened. i think the tattoo guy put a hot girl on his leg, right? the tattoo guy (beep) and then you're like screw it. just throw a bobo-fet helmet on it. we'll call it even. at's what i think he did. get a tattoo of boba-fet as a woman. i don't believe that that was the original intent. i believe the original intent was like i love i dream of jeany. why don't you put her on my leg. they (beep) her face. i'll put a helmet on that. obviously we were off last week. so we have a lot to catch up. last we left off i

how do you captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org surprise surge in the polls for herman cain. could he become america's first black president i acknowledge? then ashton walked out on demi -- i'm sorry. [laughter] plus my guest tonight, our musical group