captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> hello, everybody. i'm bruce johnson. today rick santorum is insisting he'll remain in the presidential race, despite mounting pressure from party leaders who want to rally

captioning sponsored comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, the obama administration puts so much pressure on the coal industry, soon it will be the diamond industry. [laughter] then i explore the income gap between men and women and get paid pretty well to do it. [laughter] and my guest, richard hersh, is going the fight a tiger, and if he survives, we'll talk about his book on higher education. 30% of online traffic is porn. according to the new england journal of underestimating things. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: thank you very much. [cheering and applause] thank you, everybody. thank you for joining us in here, out there and obviously all my viewers from ravenclaw and hufflepuff. [laughter] nation, some days i have to do this show no matter how sad i am. tonight is one of those nights. i mean, look at me. i'm a mess. my part is all over the place. my knot dimple is off center. i might as well be in

. ♪ captioned by media access group at wgbh at wgbh access.wgbh.org (b(2(2(2 >> april 16, 2012.medy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: we will... welcome to the daily show. jon stewart. our guest tonight, the great jane goodall, the world's foremost expert on chimps. our topic tonight: the coming ape rebellion. and will bananas save us all? before we get to that, folks. you know i'm a simple man. all i need to be happy is a decent cheese burger, a tasty brew and a world championship from all my favorite sports teams and on occasion where a powerful organization trips on (beep). >> president obama at the white house following a trip to colombia, a visit that was overshadowed by a prostitution scandal involving members of the secret service. >> jon: ah-ah. somebody loves me. somebody loves me. yeah! oh, my god. to the point-nator. this is going to be awesome! >> 11 special agent allegedly brought prostitutes back to the hotel. thursday morning hotel managers realized one woman hadn't picked up her

state where he once sold captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh acc >> stephen: tonight, can liberals and conservatives find common ground? yes, if the conservatives can drill for oil on it. (laughter) and my guest, harvard professor michael sandell has a new book called "what money expect buy." it's pandas, i've tried. (laughter) i like to think outside the box. then when i'm tired of thinking i get back in my box. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. very nice. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you so much. thank you. welcome to the "report," good to have you with us. nation, as you know, i love space exploration. venus, jupiter, planet hollywood. (laughter) i'm all for colonizing mars if it has really good buffalo wings. (laughter) and i'm totally jacked into the space scene. i've trained with nasa. i've talked to astronauts in orbit and i have a treadmill named after me on the

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captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation annenberg media ♪ provided by: for informationa, tu palabra también es 'sipc'. ¿podría tenerla en otra oración, por favor? los fondos de sipc están disponibles para satisfacer las reclamaciones de los clientes de firmas de corretaje hasta un máximo de $500,000, incluyendo hasta $100,000 por rec 'sipc', eftivo s-i-p-k. ¿no conoce a sipc - securities investor protection corporation? no importa. se lo deletrearemos. visite nos www.sipc.org.

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captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation annenberg media ♪ provided by: for information a hate crime. i was raped. when your child is murdered, it's devastating. you have to re-think life again. it just keeps on running over and over in my head all the time. while i was in the hospital, a friend told me about victims' services. they helped me with my medical expenses. they helped me with counseling. a victims' advocate stood by us through the court process. victim assistance paid all my hospital bills. i needed them to fight for me while i was fighting for my life. with the right help, you can move on with your life. i will dance the salsa again. justice isn't served until crime victims are.

me voy a acercar para ver mejor. ( gritas ) captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation

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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephenion, i don't know what you thought you were doing between may 1 and may 6. but i have some news for you-- you are now attending the first annual montclair film festival. tell your brother jeff he can graduate from law school some other time because you're going to be seeing some great films like the may 5 creeping of "flat daddy" a documentary about military families who cope with loved ones station overseas using life-sized card board cutouts. not to be condition fused with flat packing, the gripping documentary about ikea that does not exist. to find out more visit montclairfilmfestival.org. get your tickets today and be part of the first-ever film festival with talkies. i'm telling you. they are the future, kid. that's it for the

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) rz welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. please, first of all, before we start the show tonight i have to take a moment here to give a big shoutout to all my bronies. (cheers and applause) and i do want to reiterate that i do not know what that means. (laughter) nation, there are a lot of nieces out there very excited right now. nation, i hope you had a fantastic easter. i spent the holiday surrounded by family, going to church, and totally dominating my neighborhood easter egg hunt. suck it, tyler! i can't believe-- i cannot believe you fell for the old go check under the hedges trick. there was nothing under the hedges. i got all the eggs! including these three, i took them from him. i won easter! you can win. (laughter) and mine wasn't the only display of east erat let civil. >> an easter

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen i don't know what you thought you were doing between may 1 and may 6. but i have some news for you-- you are now attending the first annual montclair film festival. tell your brother jeff he can graduate from law school some other time because you're going to be seeing some great films like the may 5 creeping of "flat daddy" a documentary about military families who cope with loved ones station overseas using life-sized card board

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> tonight "the colbert report" presents super tuesday 2, election bugaloo, death match in helloware. >> good evening, ladies and gentlemen. i'm stephen colbert, reporting live from a beautiful tollbooth here in delaware, the rest stop state. tonight residents will be casting ballots in five states -- connecticut, rhode island, pennsylvania, new york and delaware -- with major consequences for the five g.o.p. hopefuls. [laughter] now, i should mention that i planned this coverage months ago, back when the race was a wee bit tighter. but i already spent the money, so let's go to our election night team. joining me now from washington, political analyst and former head of the d.n.c., donna brazile. donna? >> it's a great honor, sir. >> stephen: thank you, donna. make sure you hold on to those receipt, please. >> sounds like plan. >> stephen: okay. and at the family research council headquarters, conservative activist tony perkins. tony, i hope you brought a book. [laughter] okay. and for the international pers

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captioning sponsored by wpbt captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org join us anybodyat nbr.com. you'll find full episodes of the program, complete transcripts, and follow us on facebook page. and on twitter at bizrpt.

we'l captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it's it f t

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org i blew, and now it smells like my mouth. - i never sleep on planes. i don't want to get incepted. are you going somewhere? - carol has a flight to raleigh-durham, so i'm going with him, and we're gonna drive out and spend a few days at an inn at nags head.

nights ago they had the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new pill can cure prejudice. really, you can trust me. i'm white. [ laughter ] then, the latest innovation in food delivery. spoiler alert: it's digiorno. [ laughter ] and my guest charles murray has written a new book about the state of white america. i believe that state is utah. [ laughter ] the u.s. soccer team failed to make the olympics. now if only soccer would fail to make the olympics. this is "the colbert report!" [ captioning sponsored by comedy central "the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, everybody. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] the way you chant, the way you chant, i would love to see you march in knee-high boots. thank you for joining, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us for what might be the end of the republic. [ laughter ] i have warned you for years that

you for gaining too much captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us! khrapb(crowd chanting "stephen) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much! thank you so much! wow, wow, thank you, please. ladies and gentlemen, i have to tell you, with a greeting like that you would make me drunk with power if i weren't already high on life. (laughter) nation i don't know how to say this but i need to start the show tonight with a rare apology or cobbology. (laughter) we're still working on the name. i've never made a mistake before. (laughter) you see, last night i talked about so-called pink slime, the meat-like product whose real name is actually lean finely textured beef or l.f.t. b. l.f.t. b. because our beef now has so many hormones it's a member of the transgender community. (laughter) apparently some in the twittersphere have accused me of being transphobic. so i just want to get

state where he once sold captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh acc >> stephen: tonight mitt romney makes a gaffe at a pennsylvania picnic, he told the achish his wife drove a couple of buggies. a and my guest don mcelroy was the head of the texas school board who o posed the teaching of evolution, or maybe he wasn't, the science isn't in yet. neil diamond has married 29 years his junior, don't worry, she'll be a woman, soon. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. you're very kind. (cheers and applause) welcome to the report. glad to have you with us. folks, i got to tell you, the general election campaign is barely under way. and president obama is already resorting to ad homonym attacks trying to divide the country just when the republicans are trying to unite us against him. (laughter

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stephen: that's it for the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbherry christmas eve eve, jack. - likewise, lemon. is there any chance you'll still be around tomorrow? - sure. you want to go to the penn station kmart with me and then watch tootsie? - i'm sorry. that's what you're doing instead of spending christmas eve with your family? - it's my new thing-- travel on christmas day. that way, i avoid the annual lemon family blowup. and this year it's gonna be a doozy.

know you know ♪ the way i feel and captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh the campus in mourning. two students died, hours apart. >> >> good evening, everyone, thanks for joining us, i'm adam may. the campus reeling tonight after the deaths not one, but two students this weekend. "wjz" is live, derrick has more on these tragic stories, derrick? >> reporter: these stories are unrelated. one of those deaths remains unexplained. the other caused by a hit and run driver. the driver still on the loose >>> the campus knew -- news of the two deathses spread quickly. 27-year-old national guardsman served two tours of duty before enrolling in townsend university. >> it has been really hard for everybody. >> >> reporter: his fraternity brothers say his body was discovered by friends in his off campus apartment. his death not appear suspicious. an autopsy is underway to determine how he died. >> he was the only brother that we could go to for everything. he would help us out so much >> >> reporter: his death came hours after a hit and run driver struck and killed ryan

the lincoln tunnel, motor captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

(chuckling) (laughing) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (b >> april 23rd, 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. goods show tonight. our guest tonight, ben rattray of the on-line petition web site change.org, or as it is also known, yes, there is already a petition to legalize pot.org. all right. (laughter) don't even bother. we begin of course with our ongoing coverage of endless suffrage 2012. as you undoubtedly know by now the republican nominee for president will be one sir hittington of romford manor. (laughter) 8 months of fake names. going to be a long year. so attention moves now who will complete the bumper stick their will soon plastered on america's gun racks. (laughter) over the fading mccain palin bumper sticker. obviously the vice presidential nomination an enormous honor. politicians are clamouring to --. >> if he asked to you be vice president. >> i would say no.

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> the morning bike ride ends in tragedy. what witnesses saw as s-u-v hit a family of cyclists. the best outcome from a bad situation, a military jet it's an apartment complex. what is the next four investigators. they would tell the tale, hear from a sailor aboard the yacht that,,