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captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, everybody, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, the house democratic minority leader nancy pelosi will be joining us tonight. maybe we'll talk about the election! maybe we'll fwaukt selection, which you may have heard is happening, 12 days from now in the great state of ohio. (laughter) i'm not sure if any other states are voting this year, but candidates are beginning to make their closing arguments. and if i could frame them through lyrics and music of the great britney spears, barack obama is saying to the electorate, hit me baby, one more time. (laughter) whereas mitt romney is perhaps suggesting, i'm a genie in a bottle. (laughter) really, they're not sung by the same person, are you sure? no, they are sung by the wonders that judge on the talent show. there's two music talent

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org stephen: that's it for captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, we have a good program. my name is jon stewart. my guest one william james bill o'reilly will be discussing his book killing kennedy which i can only assume is a confession. let's get right to, it. we know this is a deeply divided nation, until last night when something brought all americans together in agreement. >> president obama took a shell acting. >> he was not properly prepared for this. >> the president didn't bring his a game. >> he was just so dull. >> he looked tired to me. >> romney won hands down. >> he was very, very bad last night. >> jon: there is no red america there is no blue america there is only the america that can't believe how bad this guy did in the debate. how bad was the defeat o bama lost despite mitt romney doing this. >> i'm sorry, i will stop the sub sid to pgs. i like big board, i like few, but i'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow mone

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org up at wgbh access.wgbh.org tonight... the thousands gathered to watch-- for what may be a world series sweepy the giants. "superstorm" sandy still beg down on the northeast. why forecasters are warning millions of people not to te this hurricane lightly. sandy's impact being felt c- to-coast. the cancelations that are grounding tens of thousands of travelers. cbs 5 eyewitness news is ne. good evening, i'm ann,,,,

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(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org stephen: that's it for stephen: that's it for the [dramatic music]

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, russia tries to claim the north pole! mr. gorbachev, tear down this narwhal! (laughter) then mitt romney threatens iran. stop your nuclear program or he will cut off your pbs! (laughter) and my guest is music legend and animal rights activist morrissey in his honor, today my interns are free range! (cheers and applause) nasa's "curiosity" rover has found a small shiny object on mars. it's either the top of a giant metal city buried beneath the sand or a screw. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, please, nation -- (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please, ladies and gentlemen, you're too kind to me. nation, it has been 16 months since mitt romney declared his candidacy-- a month since he accepted the nominat

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] ( cheers and applause ) chanting stephen's name] >> stephen: welcome to the report, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. nation, tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former governor mitt romney and future former president barack obama. [ laughter ] i'm tivoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservate romney kicked the lethargic or energetic obama's ass. love laugh a lot of option there's. -- options there. [ laughter ] of course, these debates may not matter at all. because there's one issue that could invalidate the entire election. >> voter fraud it's a big concern in this case. >> voter fraud allegations. voter fraud? >> stephen: yes, voter fraud. now, i'm not going to bore you with any shocking examples of voter fraud because it is virtually non-existent. [ laughter ] but i say we can't be too careful,

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left over, the spin, the s captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hello! [crowd chanting stephen's name] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, everybody. folks, thank you so much. i gotta say -- [cheers and applause] thank you. folks, i gotta say you may know this already but people ask me all the time and you chanting my name, stephen, stephen, i think is my favorite karaoke song. [ laughter ] the romney ryan ticket is firing on all cylinders which say huge improvement for mitt who was previously just firing people. [ laughter ] now he's got the edge heading into tonight's all important presidential debate. into that unlike obama he was there for the first time. [ laughter ] we're taping this show, my show right now ahead of time so i don't know who won but i'm guessing mitt. because the venue was in nassau county, new york, just an average town of average americans earning an average income of $91,000 a

this broadside display like captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight new scientific methods to predict its winner of the election, evenee meanee mine mitt? and getting ready for halloween, if are you like most americans you're already filled with candy. and my guest, mitch daniels is republican governor of indiana where the wind goes sweeping down the plains ♪ ♪ anonymous source say mitt romney uses spray tan. those anonymous sources, anyone with eyes. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere

that was going to becaptioning y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, mitt romney still trails in the polls! could bit because they contain other choices? then a breakthrough in men's vitality. >> what vagina substitutes we will be throwing footballs through next and my guest is country music legend kenny rogers, i will ask him if those islands in the stream make good tax shelters. and pornographers were caught filming in the cornell university library. clearly, they could not get into the hear extraordinary library. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> colbert: welcome. that is incredible. ladies and gentlemen, thank you. good to have you with us. boy, i can feel the electricity. i can feel the electricity. ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, across america, you know why people are excited because it is a huge night. the first presidential debate just happened in denver. now, i haven't seen it yet so don't tell me what happens. if a

>> that's our show captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org don't forget sunday night 8:00, night of too many stars. please tune in. here it is, your moment of zen. >> the debate moment the new york democratic incumbent big lead over wendy long. >> ms. long, have you read "50 shades of gray?" . >> no. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow, that is good stuff. ladies and gentlemen, folks, thank you so much. you're so good at that. it's almost like not the first time you've done that. now nation, welcome to the show. thank you for being with us. we're only 19 days away from the election. and president obama's hollywood allies are already trying to steal it. he's been endorsed by everyone from george clooney to neil patrick harris, to beyonce and jay-z to leonardo dicaprio, ellen degeneres and stephen de spielberg. it's like an episo

left over, the spin, the s captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [cheering and applause...] man: ladies and gentlemen, dave chappelle! man, thank you, guys. thanks, man. what's up, everybody? what's up, man? thank you guys, man, shoot. thank you, oh. thanks, oh... [chuckles] oh, man, y'all got me like... you got me touched tonight. i would actually cry, but the reefer has dried my eyes out. [laughter]

left over, the spin, the s captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhccess.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )

applause] >> stephen: that's it captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhrs and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. oh, we got a nice one for you tonight! ben affleck, director, actor, writer ben affleck will be joining us with a great new movie "argo." but first. ladies and gentlemen -- (laughter) with just four weeks to go to election day the insurmountable, unblowable lead the that president barack obama enjoyed post-convention -- (laughter) -- has been mounted and moan by mitt romney. (laughter) (laughter) no? (chrs

left over, the spin, the s captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hello! [crowd chanting stephen's name] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, everybody. folks, thank you so much. i gotta say -- [cheers and applause] thank you. folks, i gotta say you may know this already but people ask me all the time and you chanting my name, stephen, stephen, i think is my favorite karaoke song. [ laughter ] the romney ryan ticket is firing on all cylinders which say huge improvement for mitt who was previously just firing people. [ laughter ] now he's got the edge heading into tonight's all important presidential

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org that's our show. at 11:00, and remember, the rumble 2012.com, it's going to be at 8:00 p.m. saturday, eastern, he's going downtime. boom. >> my last point, will learn something every night on this show. and all these shows. this stuff we're watching captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, yes! oh, i am feeling good! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: oh, that's nice! (cheers and applause) anybody else do see that debate last night? folks, it a whole new horse race! mitt smoked obama! metaphorically, of course, mormons can't smoke! and folks, after last night's debate in denver our image of these two men has completely changed. and i am not the only one who knows it. >> it looked like romney wanted to be there and president obama didn't want to be there. >> stephen: yes! it was like obama wasn't even there. he hasn't done t

for now, there isno reac that vietnam's growt should not continue captioned by media access group at wgbhie st access.wgbh.org

. ( cheers and applausus captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhess.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good night.

this broadside display like captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight new scientific methods to predict its winner of the election, evenee meanee mine mitt? and getting ready for halloween, if are you like most americans you're already filled with candy. and my guest, mitch daniels is republican governor of indiana where the wind goes sweeping down the plains ♪ ♪ anonymous source say mitt romney uses spray tan. those anonymous sources, anyone with eyes. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

it happened so long captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orghen: tonight this year's nobel prize winners are announced. i can't wait to see which economist won the swimsuit competition. then an cup date about a criminal loose in florida, that's right, i'm on to you, half of florida. and my guest evan thomas has a new book that says dwight d eisenhower was the father of modern nuclear policy. that we know of. the inventor of the cardboard bike says it will change the world. provided that change includes never raining again. this is "the colbert report." >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and geem

. >> nobody captioning sponsored y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] ( cheers and applause ) chanting stephen's name] >> stephen: welcome to the report, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] thank you so much.

y captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle'show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show

it happened so long captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight this year's nobel prize winners are announced. i can't wait to see which economist won the swimsuit competition. then an cup date about a criminal loose in florida, that's right, i'm on to you, half of florida. and my guest evan thomas has a new book that says dwight d eisenhower was the father of modern nuclear policy. that we know of. the inventor of the cardboard bike says it will change the world. provided that change includes never raining again. this is "the colbert report." >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you sop much. i'm not sure, i'm so thrilled by that ovation but i'm not sure whether you are actually clapping for me or just trying to shake all the rain off your arms. but folks, you know me. i love see

. >> nobody captioning sponsored y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org>> stephen: tonight, questions about the libya crisis. could it have been prevented with bayonets and horses? [ laughter ] plus, a gop senate candidate puts his foot in his mouth. i hope it wasn't in an airport bathroom. and i hope it was a foot. [ laughter ] and my guest anthony everitt is an expert on ancient roman culture. or so he claims-- anyone who could contradict him is dead! [ laughter ] only seven days until halloween! but i tell my kids it's ten. i get some great deals on costumes. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report! ["the colbert report" theme music playing]

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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org hzpb [hno music plays ] ♪ dave ♪ dave ♪ dave chappelle's a funny ♪ funny guy [ tires screech ] what the [bleep] are you doing?! you gotta get outta my car. i'm serious!