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briefcase concealed more than captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome report to, everybody. thank you for joining us. thank you so much. please. [cheers and applause] thank you. please. please -- thank you for join us. thank you for being here and out there and a special good evening to whatever poor staff is down at comedy central and logging all the little clips for my show right now. it's a horrible job. get out of there. happy birthday. nation, it's hard to get through the noise of washington, d.c. but last night name an epic stand on the senate floor by libertarian senator rand paul. >> to washington we go now where a bit of a rarity taking place today, republican senator rand paul kentucky right now filibustering president obama's choice for c.i.a. director john brennan. senator paul said he will talk until he no longer can. you talk and talk to prevent a vo

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we're looking at unleavene captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhess.wgbh.org [eagle caw] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [crowd chanting "stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank r- thanks so much for joining us. folks -- [cheers and applause] nation, please thank you. heros. you know, folks -- please we've got a thing to do here. i don't grow tired of it either. [laughter] nation, i dont need to tell you that the republican party is in crisis. and ever since they lost the election, the gop has been flailing around for answers. and no one has flailed harder than republican national committee chairman and unsolved jumble puzzle, reince priebus. [laughter] by the way, the solution to that jumble? crisp bee urine. [laughter] look it up. look it up. [ laughter ] right after the election, mr. urine convened a panel of republican leaders called the "growth and opportunity project" to study why they lost. or as he put it: >> you've got to do a full autopsy. >> stephen: yes, a full autop

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> if you want to protect yourself get a double barrel shotgun. put it and fire two blasts outside the house. i promise you who is coming in is not -- you don't need an captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. i mean, transportation secretary ray lahood? why? because his name's got a car part in it? that's a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new d

captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation annenberg media ♪ for more information onia para las víctimas de crimen, no hay justicia.

captioning sponsored by bento box entertainment captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgplays) ♪ my name is cleveland brown ♪ and i am proud to be ♪ right back in my hometown ♪ with my new family ♪ there's old friends and new friends ♪ ♪ and even a bear ♪ through good times and bad times ♪ ♪ it's true love we share ♪ and so i found a place ♪ where everyone will know ♪ my happy mustached face ♪ this is the cleveland show. ♪ (chuckles) uncle sam's black dwarf nephew says, "donna tubbs for school board." "a vote for tubbs is a vote for donna tubbs." here's another 6,000 fliers. how many do you have left? 6,000. isn't it kind of against your cause to keep us out of school to do this? i don't want to hear your complaints about being tired, poor or yearning to be free. i have waited 16 years for this board seat to open up. there is no position in a small town that gives you more power than the school board. your dreams is small. "are," rallo, "are." a school board member cannot have children who speak ungrammatically. our family must and shall exude sophistication. look what i

captioning sponsored by bento box entertainment captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgwn ♪ and i am proud to be ♪ right back in my hometown ♪ with my new family ♪ there's old friends and new friends ♪ ♪ and even a bear ♪ through good times and bad times ♪ ♪ it's true love we share ♪ and so i found a place ♪ where everyone will know ♪ my happy mustached face ♪ this is the cleveland show. ♪ (chuckles) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org donna: hey, everybody. breakfast house is ready. where's the buttery butter and the mapley syrup? nuh-uh! this is my house, punk! i believe it's in fork-closure. (laughs) oh. oh, here, you can have the chimney. i love you, my boy. well, i'm not eating. i need to look orphan-thin for my annie audition. broadway audition? off broadway? regional theater? summer stock? dinner theater? cruise ship? talking to yourself in the mirror? community theater. oh. i was still three away. rallo: good morning, everybody. notice something? not much. a lot. rallo, why are you porky pigging it? because i slept all night without a pull-up.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, big changes for texas. their 10-gallon hats are now 38-liters. [laughter] then, can our drone program win the war on terror? yes, if you go up, up, down down, b, a, b, a, select. [laughter] and my guest, physicist michio kaku believes an asteroid could destroy the earth. global warming, solved. [laughter] ice land is considering a ban on internet porn. now there's nothing to do in iceland. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] thank you, ladies and gentlemen, please sit down. [cheers and applause] welcome to the show, everybody. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] thank you, everyone in here welcome to the program. dominus vobiscum. folks, as the cardinal of cable, i'm giving you nave to narthex coverage of pope benedict'

of atomic city" it's on f captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> the word homophone wasn't in the dictionary. why is it that people have to be insulted if they see something in the moral degeneration of our country tha captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [crowd chanting stephen? ] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] welcome. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. please, folks, sit down. we have to get to it. ladies and gentlemen, i understand -- i understand your energy. i share your concern, and i join you in your righteous indignation because folks we're at a cross roads as a nation. a moment of crisis that ken burns will one day document with black and white foat yeens mournful fiddle music. [laughter] for the last two days the supreme court has heard arguments o

jon: rachel maddow's show captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us all next week at 11:00. we'll have a bunch of guest and on thursday we'll have the head coach of the new york football giants. [cheers and applause] well, i'm looking forward to it. [ laughter ] here it is your moment of zen. >> republicans say that kicking the can down the road. it's not kick -- i don't think they are kicking the can down >> stephen: tonight, pope benedict's last day in office. he will now just be the vessel through which god watches game shows all day. [ laughter ] can anyone stop the sequester? come on asteroid! my guest jon favreau is president obama's longtime speechwriter csm we nail him? yes, we can. girls gone wild has filed for bankruptcy. maybe those girls should have gone business school. this is "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme music pl captioning sponsored 1# comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers

[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one for you tonight. the fine program. my guest michael moss he is the author of "salt sugar fat", the "eat pray love" of diabetes enthusiasts. we'll talk about the republican party. with a difficult election loss behind them there's a time of reflection and soul searching for the g.o.p. we'll let you know if they find one! oh, oh, who wants a piece of this? [cheers and applause] who wants a piece of this? [cheers and applause] [laughter] i kid, of course. really? all right. [ laughter ] last week the republican national committee released its report on what went wrong in the 2012 election and how the republican party can reverse its fortunes in the future. >> officials are calling it an autopsy. >> that's right. th

[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhwgbh.org from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." [cheers and applause] my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight author helaine olen. she's going to talk about her book "pound foolish" about the financial industry and how it's serving you perfectly. [laughter] let's begin with the president. as you may know barack obama is a student of history. he learned two things in particular from the greatest president in history abraham lincoln. one when putting together a cabinet you need assemble a team of rivals and two, you cannot kill a vampire with an axe. you need a built-in shotgun in that mother humper. lincoln the vampire. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] didn't take off like we thought it would. [ laughter ] but to the first point when it came time to choose a secretary of defense barack obama demonstrated lincoln-esque team rivalling by cho

shows fish fraud is off the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] tonight, president obama says aloha to israel. and my guest james franco is the star of the new movie "oz, the great and powerful." i'll nail him, and his little dog, too. [laughter] queen elizabeth has been released from the hospital for what they say is a stomach bug. either that, or there's another royal baby on the way! this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] right here. right there. good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting, "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. thank you so. ladies and gentlemen, we've got to get to the news. [cheers and applause] nation, if you haven't heard-- i know my studio audience hasn't because we keep them in a hyperbaric chamber before the show-- there are two huge, breaking stories tonight. first hugo chavez venezuel

he virtually high captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers an captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. please, nation, sit down. as an american i don't like to talk about other countries that are not us. with their crazy names -- "notamerica-stan." [laughter] but tonight, every single story i will be reporting on comes from another country. i'm not happy about it either. blame the u.n. [laughter] first up, a story that is rocking theworld of meat. >> the united kingdom's meat industry is in disarray after horse meat was discovered in products intended for humans. >> food giant nestle suspending some of its deliveries after traces of horse dna were found in the meat. >> stores in britain, france and sweden now yanking beef products off the shelves over a horse meat scare. >> burger king admits some of its patties in england and ireland were tainted with horse meat. >> stephen:

he's asking me if i was captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a rift in the gop: some deny global warming, others deny climate change. [laughter] then, hollywood takes on gun safety. and yet they ignore how many younglings are cut down by light sabers. [laughter] and my guest, roger hodge, is editor of the oxford american magazine, which has been called the "new yorker of the south." the dogs in their cartoons don't go to psychiatrists, they go to shooting ranges. [laughter] ted nugent will attend the state of the union tonight. or as deer call it, the greatest night of their lives. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] come on! [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. , ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. welcome to the broadcast. [cheers and applause] thank you so much for your love and support. you know i can't do this show without you. this show is for you. this show is to loo

applause]>> stephen: that's it captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. big show tonight! oh, the actor paul have you had here. let me guess you made another (bleep) movie and it's really (bleep) good. give someone else a chance. anyway -- wait a minute -- where is my pen? [laughter] i specifically remember applying for a federal grant for a pen -- [laughter] -- where is my pen? it's official. >> the sequestration has arrived. >> $85 billion in automatic government spending cuts. >> jon: dammit! [laughter] the first penalty of the sequester, my federal pen program. fake thing. [ laughter ] the sequester is here. the arbitrary budget cuts that were so onus congress would never allow the sequester to take effect. remember? >> it was ugly. it was designed to be ugly. >> onerous and undesirable and it remains our view it's no way to go. >> no way it can happen. >> automatic triggers are set up to be so painful we don't have to get to that point

department of education captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation >>> next on "abc 7 news" at 9:00. city of san francisco quick response to an overnight club shooting. also the dramatic 911 call after a mother says two teens shot her toddler. a man falsely convict of a crime [ wind howling ] [ female announcer ] it balances you... [ water crashing ] ...it fills you with energy... and it gives you what you are looking for to live a more natural life. in a convenient two bar pack. this is nature valley... delicious granola bars made with the best ingredients in nature. nature valley. nature at its most delicious. >>> inside the 330 rich nightclub the shooting started early this morning and up to the street to the brannon street parking lot. first shot was fired at 1:15. for her safety she did not want to go on camera. >> they were fighting and shooting and running. we sat down by somebody's humer. >> the shooting went on for a while. >> for about 15 minutes. 15 minutes long, nonstop. consistently shooting. >> first tire was flattened by a bullet. san francisco police

not everything is awful captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhccess.wgbh.org . ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, i think that this world would be a much better place if i could take that kind of energy, put it in a paper bag and huff it. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] hope you had a good presidents' day weekend. i took an all-expense paid trip to crap-my-pants-istan because last friday this happened. >> a ten ton meteor racing at 33,000 miles per hour through the atmosphere streekd over a russian city 900 miles of east of moscow before exploding of blinding bright light said to have the power of an atomic bomb. >> its reminded me of action movies like-term nateor 4 this witness said. >> stephen: yes, this fireball was just like "terminator 4 " except pe

applause] [cheers and appl captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. man, what a program our guest documentary filmmakers lori silverbush and kristi jacobson. they've done a documentary on hunger in america that will absolutely anger you but still while you are watching it have some junior mints or something. just to -- you know. you may be familiar with the new york assemblyman, he took the new york telephone company to task for seeming to weed out employees and took hillary clinton to task for embracing yasser arafat's wife. and yasser arafat took mel gibson to task and also took renee zellweger to task. took the school newspaper at at high school to task. really, really haitz anti-semitism. some of those seem like an overreyak but he feels like he is standing up for a group whenev

it for the report, everyb captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we've got a good show tonight. former supreme court justice sandra day o'connor is joining us this evening sitting right here discussing the supreme court and her new sitcom. [ laughter ] if you watch our program or are alive, you might be aware that this country has been facing some difficult economic times which have caused a great deal of soul searching about how we as a nation can identify and rectify the causes of our financial meltdown. we've been wringing our hands about it but the good news is it's already been fixed. >> the dow jones industrial at never before seen heights. >> all time high. >> making history today. >> if they tell you everything is awful, tell them no it's not. [laughter] [cheers and ap

applause]>> stephen: that's it captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh comedy central >> frm comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody, wrel come to "the daily show." -- welcome "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. you may have noticed our brand new show open. [cheers and applause] i think -- my guest tonight is astro physicist neil. degrasse tyson. a learned man, a man of the universe. the last time he was on the program, perhaps the time before that, he said during the normal open to the show that the graphics globe was spinning the wrong way. [laughter] well, it took time and a great deal of ingenuity but we've fixed our problem. we have a brand new open and it only cost us $1 million. [ laughter ] i hope he preshz how hard. if he thinks we're going to go back to the other open tomorrow, yes! [laughter] real quick off the top, today john brennan was supposed to have his nomination to run the c.i.a. on firmed in the

there is no reason toxpec that vietnam's growt should not continue captioned by media access group at wgbhio e saccess.wgbh.org

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>> this is kpix5 news on the cw. >> breaking news. the bolts on the new bay bridge are snapping. the theory about what is wrong and what caltrans may have to do to fix it. >>> a school field trip goes haywire. the moment an 8-year-old girl was hit by an arrow. >> we knew something wasn't right, how this rescue dog saved a hiker who had been trapped in the mountains for days. good evening, i'm ken bastida. >> and i'm elizabeth cook. dozens of the giant bolts holding this together has snapped. sue quan is on treasure island right now. sue. >> reporter: we have confirmation that there is a big problem with giant bolts that hold together portions of this span that you can see behind me. a spokesperson says at least 30 bolts have snapped. there are 288 in all. they are also known as rods and they range from 9 to 17 feet long and about 2 1/2 inches in diameter. now engineers say that it is the quality of the steel in question, not a bridge design issue in this case. they were made in the u.s. and some sampl

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org 0001 >>> i'm concerned about it because it taints my name. >> government bullying and corruption revealed in an investigation. how two long time bay area city heeders are accused -- leaders are accused of abusing their power. >>> how a smashed up cadillac might be the key to a murder mystery hundreds of miles away. >>> and evacuation at this bay area park. >>> good evening. >> two hong time oakland city council members are facing corruption allegations that could cost them their jobs. cbs 5's dah lin says they tried to steer a lucrative city contract to their person of choice. >> reporter: city staff was forced to work with construction companies they favored. >> it's problematic to know that employees are being coerced. >> reporter: councilwomen libra committed the most violations, a dozen. >> one council member who repeats and repeats and repeats violating the law. >> reporter: her investigation shows brooks and councilman larry reed directed city employees to work with a specific contractor on the oaklan

and cheering) captioning sponsored by triage entertainment group captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my same in jon stewart. does that look like anything in i tried to draw a cartoon. ow indeed. we have a nice one tonight. joining us tonight from the msnbc cable news network we have a basket of graduate degrees. actually it's rachel maddow who has a degree. she has earned them. earned them. not like me with the honorary doctorate although i still operate. [ laughter ] one day i won't kill one. [ laughter ] folks, next month marks the tenth and -- anniversary of the iraqi war. what do you get the paper, sphwhood this might be regret. how do you start it by starting another war. >> the obama white house is engaged in a war of words with "washington post" reporter bob woodward over the origin of the spending cuts. >> jon: oh, a war of wor

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ramon's life is that restaurant so he doesn't want to part with it. ption center wgbh educational foundationg is provided by: and: