called jobs, whicaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, an old game gets an update for today's kids. it's now high fructose corn syrup land. [laughter] then new government health guidelines for women. dudes, just continue treating whatever you have with talcum powder. then my guest is robert wittman, an art crime investigator. good, i want to take out a restraining order on the mona lisa. her eyes keep following me around the room. god said i shall have no gods before me, so don't spoil your appetite with vishnu poppers. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. nation, please, we have to... [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you very much. very kind. and in return, let me say, dos vidana. nation, as everyone knows, i am the world's biggest fan of spider-man. what's that, nerds? you're a bigger fan than i am? really? well then here's a spidey trivia question. which i

first step in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org clubhouses have resorted to allowing girls. [laughter] and my guest, al hunt, is a 42-year veteran of washington journalism. i'll ask him if he thinks brangelina has a baby bump.?;ñ [laughter] a woman was arrested turning tricks out of a donut shop -- the perfect place to avoid detection by the cops. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [crowd chanting stephen repeatedly] [cheers and applause] thanks so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, the 2012 election is upon us, and i love a good horse race. i like to go with the candidate who looks like he's been gelded. [laughter] that's why i'm saddling up newt gingrich. i really think he's the guy. and though some of the members of the lame-scream-meania -- [laughter] -- have counted him out, newt knows he's got something the othe

5 to 2% the last captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. welcome to the report, everybody. it is so-- (cheers and applause) it is so good to have you with us. folks-- (cheers and applause) thank you very much. welcome to the great american scream machine. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, there is a lot of news out there and we will get to all of it, i promise you. but first i have to start by issuing a rare apology. it goes out-- i know, i know. it goes out to the team at abc channel 5 woi des moines news lieder. last week i attacked woi when their general manager ray cole refused to air our colbert report superpac ads. you have [bleep] with the wrong people! colbert superpac is 165,000 strong, baby, here us roar. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i happen to foe you haven't won a local emmy

[cheering and applause] comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org deacon: in high school, everyone's got that one magic moment when all the fears and insecurities of being a teenager just vanish, and you're on top of the world. it's like the planets have aligned or something, and everything you touch just turns to gold. and then, there's this other moment. [♪] man: get in there. follow those plans. that's right. [boys sobbing] i'll never touch myself again, i swear! it's all a big... please, no! mommy! mommy!

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>> on television, online, on the go.s. how the credit downgrade has some holding tighter to the wallets...and others inspired to spend. >>> nervous buyers were an eye on international markets, how the credit down grade has some holding tighter to their wallets than they are inspired to spend. >> i thought that last one said "let it be." >> waiting for the word. how ed lee continues to dodge the question, will he run for mayor? and the battle for water in san francisco and says some out of towners aren't playing fair in the pedicab business. ,,

first step in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orglubhouses have resorted to allowing girls. [laughter] and my guest, al hunt, is a 42-year veteran of washington journalism. i'll ask him if he thinks brangelina has a baby bump.?;ñ [laughter] a woman was arrested turning tricks out of a donut shop -- the perfect place to avoid detection by the cops. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [crowd chanting stephen repeatedly] [cheers and applause] thanks so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, the 2012 election is upon us, and i love a good horse race. i like to go with the candidate who looks like he's been gelded. [laughter] that's why i'm saddling up

5 to 2% the last captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, record temperatures sweep the heartland. if you can't stand the heat, go in the kitchen, get a nice cold drink. (laughter) can the internet make us better human beings? judging from youtube comments py guest tonight are legendary rockers the cars. at today's gas prices, i don't want to foe what this is costing me. captain morgan's ship has been found. if it's anything like the drink, it doesn't know what happened to it, either. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much. folks, thank you very much, folks. folks, i know it's been hot this summer but i refuse to buy into the myth of global warming. it's just another big media lie, like that so-called finale of friends. (laughter) i know gang's still out there, nbc. show me what they're doing! (cheers and applause) are they happy? but once again the media's trying to convince us that this summer has been extra hot by throwing around fake temperatures

. ♪ hey hey ♪captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgstephen: tonight, trouble in wisconsin. somebody snuck in a vegetable. then some of baseball's cherished records are threatened. don't worry, barry bonds, your head size record is still safe. and my guest anthony bourdain travels the country in search of the best food. i'll ask him which country has the best olive garden. cargill has recalled ground turkey. personally, i don't know why anybody would buy ground turkey taint. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] thank you so much. thank you. thank you. that sound of your chanting is so soothing it's like putting a seashell up to your ear into which you have stuffed your own ego. [laughter] nation, it's barack obama's 50th birthday. [cheering and applause] [laughter] that's right. it's that time of year again, folks, when the p

first step in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgcheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) very kind. thank you so much. thank you. welcome, please, you're too kind, ladies and gentlemen, please. folks, i want to thank you, in here, i want to welcome you out there. we've already had a very

applause] >> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org cheering, music playing in distance ) ( cheering ) ( drunken singing ) ( singing incoherently ) get of the way! get out--move! come on. ( groans ) come on, man. get up, get up. come on. ( police sirens wailing ) ( horn honks ) suspect out of the way. heading toward exchange. hey! move it! out of the way! ( siren wailing ) ( muttering ) hey, hold it! whoo!

first step in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

let us know atcaptioning sponsoy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, does god need to improve his image? after 6,000 years he could probably use a little freshen up. [laughter] then, campaign fundraisers have a new secret weapon: not being newt gingrich. [laughter] and my guest elliot ackerman has a website that matches voters with candidates who share their values. ugh, they're never as fiscally conservative as their picture. [laughter] chad ochocinco says he'll live with a fan for three weeks. wow, those nfl contract negotiations did not go well. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. nation, the dow lost 519 points today. it's the single biggest drop since two days ago. [laughter] everybody's trying to make sense of the markets. luckily, the new york post explained it all with today's cov

cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org pw

. >> (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since walter cronkite covered the moon landing topless. and my guest is kevin mitnick. i'll ask him how to set up my goddamn wireless printer. it's my last blog cast for two weeks-- broadcast for two weeks but i promise to give you one last great show before i go. this-- just roll it captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you so much. i'm going to say i had to all of nerddom that may

@@h captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> august 8, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. our guest mark adams will be here. a new book on machu picchu. awfully a lot of fun to say. machu picchu. we begin tonight with a more modern civilization and its mysterious decline. >> standard and poors one of the agency's, has dropped the u.s. from a triple-a rating down to a double-a-plus rating. >> jon: all right. i mean from triple-a to double-a -plus doesn't sound that bad. if you were going to rent the triple-x movie you got home and found out that the movie was just double-x-plus, are you going to worry that there was not quite enough (beep) and sucking to fill up the approximately four minutes you're going to watch it? i mean, six minutes. ladies? and by the way, the ratings agency is standard and poors. who is going to listen to a company whose name transl

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ two. two, three... ♪ ♪ good news, everyone. remember when you asked to see my family tree? all: no. ta-da! (whirring) this is my ancestor philo farnsworth, inventor of television, and as a bonus, childhood obesity. and here's dean farnsworth, developer of the farnsworth test for colorblindness.

. >> (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since walter cronkite covered the moon landing topless. and my guest is kevin mitnick. i'll ask him how to set up my goddamn wireless printer. it's my last blog cast for two weeks-- broadcast for two weeks but i promise to give you one last great show before i go. this-- just roll it captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you so much. i'm going to say i had to all of nerddom that may be watching tonight. nation, i got to tell you, that applause really brings me such, such comfort. because i got to tell you, i'm blue. (laughter) maybe i

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

let us know atcaptioning sponsoy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgnsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, does god need to improve his image? after 6,000 years he could probably use a little freshen up. [laughter] then, campaign fundraisers have a new secret weapon: not being newt gingrich. [laughter] and my guest elliot ackerman has a website that matches voters with candidates who share their values. ugh, they're never as fiscally conservative as their picture. [laughter] chad ochocinco says he'll live with a fan for three weeks. wow, those nfl contract negotiations did not go well. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause]

. >> (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since wa

applause] >> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ double time, soldier. i want this ice fishing operation up and running by 0800 hours. (shivers) it's too cold, dad. my teen region is freezing off. (blows raspberry) you don't know what cold is. i once survived an entire week trapped in a swiss glacier, eating nothing but frozen neanderthal. to this day i can't stand the taste of early hominid. (groans) let's just get inside the shack. hold, maggot! ow! remember the code of the ice: thick and blue, tried and true; thin and crispy, way too risky. shows what you know. crispy doesn't even rhyme with risky. aah! help, i'm drowning! (blubbering) don't worry, son, you'll freeze before you drown. (sniffs) (exhales) i love ice fishing. i shouldn't be out in this cold. i have no protective fat, hair or warm blood. i'm not even legally a mammal. (blows raspberry) you don't know what cold is. i was frozen for a thousand years. you were? huh, learn something dumb every day. (indistinct chatter) live bait. get your live

applause] >> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [shrieking] [a

cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org two... two, three... ♪ ♪ ♪ (drill whirring) (kids grunting and laughing) i got one! okay, kids. put away the dust motes till tomorrow. it's story time. oh, boy! yay! ooh! today's storyteller is a space captain who grew up right here at the orphanarium. welcome back the bed-wetter of building d, turanga leela. hi, kids. what book would you like me to read first? we don't got books no more. what? he means "anymore." look, sometimes you got to choose between eating and reading, so they ate the books.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( groaning ( groaning ) oh, honey, you don't look so good. you should stay home from brunch. are you sure? mmm. i really want to go. you stay and rest. you can see grandma when we get back. you can see grandma when we get back. ( door opens, closes )

cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgout, come out, wherever you are! where is that little joker? breathe deep, mrs. dunne. that's it. that's it. push. push, that's it. keep pushing, you're doing great, mrs. dunne. you're doing great. okay, that's it. there's the head, i can see it now. okay, congratulations... it's a... - ( woman groans ) - doctor: okay, it went back in. i think he'll be good at hide and seek, mrs. dunne. ( panting ) okay. ( chuckles ) - well, you got yourself a shy one here. - ( groaning ) okay, come on out, you little bastard. - ( crunches ) - ow! he bit me!

first step in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) very kind. thank you so much. thank you. welcome, please, you're too kind, ladies and gentlemen, please. folks, i want to thank you, in here, i want to welcome you out there. we've already had a very intimate evening here in the studio. (laughter) >> stephen: nation-- (laughter) >> stephen: i shared a few things. (laughter) nation, this is a very big week for republican presidential candidates. tonight there is the debate in iowa that will feature all the major players andtism pawlenty. (laughter) >> stephen: then saturday, of course, is the straw poll in ames, a crucial test to see if candidates can get midwesterners to put down a food plate long enough to mark a ballot but the big news today came from the iowa state fair in des moines where in an attempt to peel to more voters ron paul had himself batter dipped and deep fat fr

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( birdsing, traffic noise ) ( dog panting )

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org taj: theendary van wilder was my mentor. he enabled me to become the king of cool at coolidge college, thanks to his many insightful life lessons, like, "two's company, "and three is only good if there's no class the next day." i'm now going to england to take the path of another great man, my father, and continue my academic studies at camford university. after pursuing my degree in history, i'll go ahead and get a minor in major [...] munching. you're not listening to anything i'm saying, are you?

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] [piano playing, general conversation...] what'll it be, guys? i'll have a ch on the rock i'll have a samuel adams. i'll have a samuel jackson. you know something? i'll have a samuel jackson too. me three. [all laugh] three samuel jacksons coming right up. [rapid funk playing...] good mother[]ing choice, mother[]er! samuel jackson... made painstakingly by me-- samuel l. jackson. it'll get you drunk. you'll be []ing fat girls in no time. you might even fight a nigga or two. mm-mm, bitch! [audience laughing...] how's it taste, mother[]er?! huh?! hey, can you stop yelling at me, please? no, i can't stop yelling! 'cause that's how i talk! you ain't never seen my movies?! juice? that was a good one. deep blue sea?! they ate me! a []ing shark ate me! drink, bitch! jurassic park?! samuel jackson! it's my beer! yes,

5 to 2% the last captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgsponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. welcome to the report,

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle'show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] when the baby was born, i promised karen i'd quit smoking. but i didn't know how. well, that's when a friend of mine recommended o'dweeds. it's the first brand of marijuana with no t.h.c. so, it's like o'douls, but for weed. now, i can get that full reefer aroma... without any of the guilt. [♪...] [bong gurgling] shotgun, little buddy. oh, honey, i think he likes it. [both laugh] this reminds me of when i was a girl and i used to smoke grass with all the negro jazz musicians. come on, martha. now, puff, puff, give. [audience laughing...] come on, you old bitch... announcer: o'dweeds, all the reefer, none of the guilt. [♪...] [tapping on glass] [jamaican accent]: i know what you're thinking... but it's o'dweeds,man. [laughing] can i hit that? go on, take it. [♪...]

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> august 15, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, everybody. welcome to the daily show. my name shall jon stewart. oh, listen to the crowd. they are so fired up for independence day. i can't even tell you. ( cheers and applause ) now, pakistan independence day too or just india? that was yesterday? it's on a different day? yesterday. i think i just started a fight. our guest tonight the smooth soothe sar of the money honey bear ali velshi will be joining us but our big story tonight is is presidential politics. new candidates in, old candidates out. it all happened here. ames, iowa. founded in 1632 by willie ames. yes, once again ames iowa in the spotlight as a result of the 2011 iowa straw poll are in. >> with 16,892 iowans voting, the winner of the 2011 iowa straw poll is congresswoman michele bachmann. >> jon: there you go. >> audience: boo. >> jon: i see we

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle'show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show