Green Acres is the place to be.
Far-livin' is the life for me.
Lands spreadin' out so far and wide.
Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.
New York is where I'd rather stay.
I get allergic smelling hay.
I just adore a penthouse view.
Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue.
The chores.
The stores.
Fresh air.
Times Square.
You are my wife.
Goodbye, city life.
Green Acres, we are there.
Well, let's see if you have any temperature, Eunice.
No, she doesn't have any temperature.
Lisa, please, I paid 89 cents for the thermometer.
I'd like to see if it works.
Well, pulse is good.
So is this one.
Lisa.
What do we do now?
How about boiling some water?
I don't think that's her trouble.
No, I'd just like a cup of tea.
You're trying to get rid of me.
Yes.
No temperature.
I told you.
What's wrong with me?
Eunice, you're suffering from a simple case of exhaustion.
There you see, Lisa.
I told you it wasn't anything serious.
You didn't have to come all the way from Hooderville to take care of me.
Oliver was worried about you.
He's her son.
I know.
I delivered him.
To who?
Eunice, you need complete rest.
Now, I suggest you go someplace quiet and just relax.
How about the Riviera?
I could stay with the Duke and Duchess.
You must have rest.
Their parties always break up early.
No parties.
There isn't any place I know that doesn't have parties.
How about coming to Hootersville?
There hasn't been one there since the one they gave for...
Oh, no.
They had to call it off.
They couldn't get any grape juice.
Lisa, I am not...
That's done wonders for Lisa.
Why don't you try it for a week or two?
Oliver would love to have you.
But, Lisa, I don't...
I'll call him.
Hello?
Long distance.
Would you give me Hootersville, please?
They're ringing our phone.
It's on a party line.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Oliver.
Lisa?
How are you, darling?
I'm fine.
Who's this?
Who is this?
Sam Drucker.
Hello, Mr. Drucker.
Mr. Drucker, I'm talking to my wife.
How are you, sweetheart?
Fine, honey.
How are you?
Mrs. Zipfel.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Zipfel.
Mrs. Douglas, where are you?
She's in New York.
What's she doing there?
She went to see my mother.
Oh, how is she?
Please, get off the phone.
But I'm not through talking yet.
I didn't mean you.
Oliver, Mother needs her rest.
I'm bringing her to the farm tomorrow.
Oh, that's a good idea.
What is?
Bringing his mother here.
Do you mind if I talk to my wife?
Hello, Lisa.
Who is this?
It's Oliver.
Oh, hello, darling.
Oh, is that you, Grace?
No, it's my wife.
I didn't know Grace got married.
Mr. Kiley, hang up.
Hello, Grace, or Lisa.
Oliver, Mother wants to talk to you, darling.
Wait a moment.
There you are.
Hello, son.
Mom!
Kylie, I told you to hang up.
I'm talking to my mother.
It's my mother.
How do you feel?
Just fair.
What's wrong with you?
Who is this?
Who is that?
Please, I was talking to my son.
Oliver?
No, Mom, my name's Newt.
Don't you remember?
Look, all you people on the party line,
I'm going to count to three and I want you all to hang up.
One, two, three.
Hello, Mother.
Hello?
Sarah, I was talking to my mother.
Will you try to get her back, please?
The line is busy.
Well, keep trying and call me when you get her.
Thank you.
Nept!
Yes?
Here, take these blankets up to your room, will you?
Blankets?
Thanks.
Now I won't have to use those potato sacks anymore.
You don't you...
These are for Mrs. Douglas and me.
We're giving my mother our bedroom,
so we're sleeping up in your room.
Where do I sleep?
You've got a sleeping bag.
Can I use your car tonight?
No.
Then I ain't sleeping in my bag.
Neb, look.
I promised Ophelia I'd take her to a drive-in movie.
Look.
We'll have to stand through two pictures and a short.
Then stay home.
It's triple kino night.
You'll have to wear a refrigerator.
I'm sorry, Neb.
I need the car to pick up my wife and my mother.
Well, okay.
Hey, Mr. Douglas.
How about using the tractor?
Take a tractor to a drive-in movie?
All right.
Take it.
Thanks, Mr. Douglas.
We're here, safe and sound, Mrs. Douglas.
Just like I promised.
It's a miracle.
Good to see you, Mother.
Did you enjoy your trip?
It was excruciating.
Well, thank you.
We always aim to please.
Where's Lisa?
She rode with the engineer.
Yeah, Charlie's showing her how to run the engine.
What is this?
Mrs. Douglas, that's a brake.
Way up here?
How do you step on it?
You don't step on it.
You pull it.
Ah, that's very interesting.
You must do an awful lot of cooking on this train.
You've got such a big oven.
No, that's a firebox.
Oh.
Lisa!
Hello there.
Lisa, will you...
Do you want to hear me hoot the whistle?
No, no, not that.
There, darling.
Now, isn't that better?
Yes, dear, much better.
You can sleep late in the morning.
I told the rooster not to crow.
Oh, thank you.
Good night, darling.
Good night, dear.
If you want us, we're sleeping in Ab's room in the barn.
Sleep well.
Thank you.
Oh.
What's that?
Be right back, Ophelia.
Oh, that's stupid.
Who's stupid?
Ab.
Oh, he came home early.
Of all the idiots.
Oh, still up, huh?
Look.
Glad I didn't wake you.
What do you want?
Can I borrow you a dollar?
A dollar?
You woke me up.
Fifty cents?
Ab, I, uh, can't...
You can't get much to eat for two bits.
And Ophelia's got her heart set on pine coffee.
All right, all right.
Thanks, Mr. Douglas.
All right, and don't wake up Mother when you're leaving.
Oh, about that.
What's the matter with him?
He should feel better than to wake us up in the middle of the...
Ab, what are you doing down there?
Fixing a loose board.
Well, fix it tomorrow.
Okay.
What's that?
Just putting the hammer away.
Oliver!
The phone is ringing.
Oliver!
Oh, my God.
Damn.
I'm forgotten key.
Where has that been?
Get a punch box.
You men look strange.
I know, she's probably an escaped thief.
That's where I was holding it.
Well, I they were gone.
Thank you.
Oliver!
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Sarah?
You're still trying to get whom in New York?
That's me!
No, I don't want to speak to him, he's still asleep!
I'm in Hooterville.
Well, just cancel the call!
Oliver, did you hear anything?
No, no, no, I'll go back to sleep.
Hey, it's off again!
Mr. Douglas must have had one of those wild bachelor parties while his wife...
She's back!
She must have been partying pretty good herself, look at all those wrinkles she's developed!
Yeah, that city living sure catches up with you.
Why is she wearing that thing under her chin?
I guess her ice bag slipped down.
Who are you?
I'm Mr. Douglas' mother.
Oh, that's why you've got all those wrinkles.
Would you mind getting out of here?
We're supposed to work!
Well, work somewhere else, I need my rest!
Okay, okay, now I know where Mr. Douglas gets his grouchiness from.
Morning, Mr. Douglas.
Howdy doody.
Your mother's here.
Yes, of course, I know.
She threw us out of the bedroom.
Said we were making too much noise, all I did was...
Take it easy, my mother needs the rest.
Oliver, is that you?
Yeah, he'll be right there, Mom.
Get to work.
Good morning, Mother, how did you sleep?
Oh, terrible, Oliver.
First that tractor woke me up, and then I fell off the telephone pole.
The telephone?
Were you walking in your sleep?
No, I don't...
Well, anyway, when I finally dozed off again, those two horrible men came in.
Oh, those aren't men.
Oh, no, no, one of them is, but you see, his brother is...
That is...
I'm sorry you didn't sleep well, but just relax now, you can sleep all day, nothing's going to disturb you.
Thank you.
Oliver!
I'll take care of it.
Hey, what are you... Turn that off!
What did he say? Why did he turn it off?
What for? What did he want him to turn it off for?
No more drilling!
You mean you expect me to sleep up there?
Oh, it will be nice and quiet, Mother.
Come on, good night, Mother.
Oh, dear.
Who left the television set on?
Come on!
Will you please turn off that...
Oliver! Oliver, wake up!
We're being attached by Indians!
Indians? Oh, that's ridiculous!
There aren't any Indians in this part of the country... Oh, yes, there are!
What are you going to do?
See what they're doing here!
Be careful, I've seen those Indians on television, and they might hit you with a homotop.
A tomahawk?
Whatever it is, it hurts.
Wait a minute, what's going on here? Will you stop this silly...
What's that?
Homo noripa.
Hey, what are you thinking? Come down out of there!
What are you doing here, anyway?
Me, Yellow Horse, who are you?
Me, Douglas. I mean, me, Oliver. I'm Mr. Douglas, I own this farm.
You no long belong Haiti.
I bought it from Mr. Haney.
Shoshone, Anya, Haiti!
Now, wait a minute here!
You wait. Me, Chief Yellow Horse, this land, ancient Sioux ceremonial ground.
We camp here each year. We dance bear dance. Bring bears.
Well, there are no bears around here.
We dance, we wait. You'll see.
Well, you can't dance around here. This is my land.
Hello, there.
Howdy.
Be friendly. Would you like to stay for dinner?
Really, sir?
You've got to be friendly, too.
I am not about... Look, I want you off my land.
How you like hit with hamahawk?
Hamahawk?
You Indian?
No!
Then don't tell us.
Oliver, have those savages...
Oh, it's all right, Mother. They're friendly.
Who, her?
Who, who?
Her.
Her, he, Mother.
Her speak good Indian.
Me learn from television.
My mother doesn't feel very well.
Would you mind folding up your teepees and silently stealing away?
We stay.
Have treaty with Haney.
Each year we come, we dance, we go.
Now we return to dance.
No, I...
Oliver?
Don't worry, Mother. It's all right.
Me go make you hot cake for breakfast.
Fine. I need those like I need a hamahawk in my head.
Ah, morning, Mr. Douglas.
Ah, Kimmel.
Well, I sue the seer here again.
Don't make that, uh...
I see the sewer here again.
Yes, that has a better ring to it.
Well, not a ring.
Mr. Kimmel, do you know anything about these Indians?
Well, let's see, uh...
They came to this country about 1492.
That was Columbus.
I guess they came over in the boat just in front of him.
I don't care when they came. I want to know what they're doing here now.
Well, they're dancing.
I know that.
They claim they got some kind of a treaty with Mr. Haney.
Well, I wouldn't call it exactly a treaty.
It's more like a 99-year lease.
99-year lease?
You might say the Indians have a reservation.
There must be some way we can get rid of them.
Oh, well, that's simple.
Let's call John Wayne.
Oh, I've seen him do it a lot of times.
He has a sword and he yells, charge in the cavalry.
Thank you, Mr. Kimmel. You've been a great help.
Oh, any time.
Well, not any time. I'd call first.
Sometimes I have appointments.
Like this afternoon.
At four o'clock, I have to see...
No, I saw him Tuesday.
It was, uh...
Well, doesn't matter.
I lost my appointment book.
Well, happy bear dance.
Oh, hello there, Mr. Horse.
What's your name?
Lisa.
Hmm, may I give you an Indian name?
Loh-tomato-ho.
That's very pretty.
Means squaw with golden hair,
but married to sourpuss.
My husband isn't always a sourpuss.
Only when Indians dance on him.
We got pretty.
Where's your old squaw?
You mean mother?
You think she'd like to do bear dance with me?
I'm sure she would, but she isn't feeling very well.
She's sick?
Yes.
Hmm.
Me send my doctor.
Yon-ho-ho-ni-ka-ya-ha-ni-ka-ya-ha-ni-ka-ya!
Ha! Ha!
Ha-ni, ha-ni, ha-ni-ka!
Yaaah!
Aaaaah!
What's going on here?
Him, my doctor, makes war better.
Chases away all evil spirit.
She's got her own doctor.
Now get out!
Two dollar for house call.
Get out!
Oh, Oliver, get me out of here.
Take me back to the city.
Yes, I'll get rid of the Indians and nothing will bother you.
Now, folks, if you'll just follow me,
the tour will start right here.
Good afternoon, ma'am.
Now, folks, underneath this very bedroom
was the original ceremonial ground
where the first bear dance was preformed in 1490.
This way, please.
Thank you, ma'am, for your hospitality.
Oh, yeah.
Now, this room was used by the Suex Indians
to make their pottery,
which can be purchased at the conclusion of the tour.
Mr. Haney!
Folks, I want you to meet Mr. Douglas,
who has kindly given me permission
to conduct this educational tour.
Permission!
This way, folks.
Now, in the kitchen,
you will see a copy of the original stove
used by the Suex to cook their bear.
That does it.
Those Indians are leaving.
You want Indians leave?
That's what I said.
Have proposition.
Proposition?
We leave, but old squaw goes with me.
Why, that's my mother.
No, expect for nothing.
Give you two goats and pig for her.
What?
Okay, make it three goats and pig.
That's out of the question.
She's not for sale.
Then how about young squaw?
Give you four pigs and horse.
I'd be cheating you.
She only cost me two chickens and a sheep.
Well, me rather have old squaw.
Give you four goats and two pigs.
Final offer.
Forget it.
Then we don't leave.
Well, I'll ask her.
Mother, I'm so glad to see you up.
These hotcakes will give you strength.
Why did I ever let you talk me into coming here?
Mother, I want to talk to you.
What about?
How would you like to be Mrs. Yellow Horse?
What?
Eunice Yellow Horse.
Has a nice ring to it.
Oh, you're up to your father's old habits.
Drinking before noon.
Now, wait a second.
There's a good deal.
He's willing to give me four goats and two pigs.
Four goats and two?
Oh, it's the best offer I've had for you yet.
We are not going to sell, mother.
What?
Then you're not going to get rid of the Indians.
I'll get rid of the Indians.
Mother, look after the hotcakes.
What are you going to do?
Oliver, could you help me with this?
We got a deal?
Well, we haven't finished discussing it yet.
Old squaw, good cook.
Stop calling me old squaw.
Chief Yellow Horse, big eater, like good food.
Wife must be good cook.
What those?
Hotcakes.
Huh?
You never had a hotcake before?
No.
Well, give him one, mother.
Try it.
Mrs. Douglas makes those three times a day.
Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Three times?
Well, that's all she knows how to cook.
Now, about the deal.
No deal.
Old squaw, good looker, but rotten cooker.
You better find medicine, my...
Oh, thank you, Oliver, for saving me from...
Don't thank me, thank Lisa.
You know, I always thought her hotcakes weren't good for anything.
Oliver, Oliver, I can't find Mr. Yellow Horse.
Oh, he left.
Well, that's too bad.
I wanted to tell him that his dance is working.
A what?
Look.
Oliver, get your gun.
No, we won't need it.
Good luck, Smokey.
Aah!
This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.