Previously on Dawson's Creek
What happened to California?
I need you around.
I moved on.
I'm in rehab, Dawson.
Let's work through what got you here in the first place.
You know, Grams broke Uncle Bill's heart,
my Grams, the black widow, who knew?
There is a malignant tumor in my breast.
I will be starting a round of radiation therapy next week
because the growth has spread.
You're probably wondering what the hell I'm doing here.
Joey. Still studying.
How come you don't want to get with me?
What are you going on about?
Since I've been back, nothing. Nada.
A drought of epic proportions.
Is there a hygiene issue I'm not aware of?
Audrey? Hi, bunny!
Oh, my god! Hi!
Ohh, you flunked out of school. How sad.
Death of a dream and all that.
So, guess who was on my plane?
Audrey, you're back a day early.
Yeah, I got early parole for good behavior.
Well, actually, the rumor has it
that Courtney love was checking in, and they needed the extra room.
So, guess who was on my flight.
Pilots, stewardesses, and assorted passengers?
Well, that's funny, but no.
I'm only talking about the sexiest man in all of America.
Audrey, don't you want to maybe relax, get settled?
Oh, come on. No one's ever too busy for
a quick game of "Guess who was on my plane."
Trust me, this one's really good.
Ok, fine. Uh, uh, uh...
Brad Pitt?
Will you work with me, Potter?
That is so obvious.
No, this guy is way hotter.
I'm talking like the thinking girl's dream.
Oh, Ian Ziering?
Duh. Dr. Drew.
Impressive.
I would have thought he was a little too, uh...
Clinical for your tastes.
It's kind of a rehab thing.
You start to crave men based on
who'd look cutest in a white lab coat.
Who's Dr. Drew? Are you serious?
You know. Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla?
Of Loveline fame?
Popular radio call-in show where they espouse
advice to pathetic losers with massive sexual hang-ups.
He used to be on MTV.
Uhh. Jeez louise.
Looks like Mr. Goodwrench has been too busy
throwing his back into his living
to soak up a little pop culture.
What's MTV?
Kidding.
So anyway, what are the odds?
Well, pretty good, considering they're going to be at Boston Bay tomorrow.
Wh-wh-what?
Where the hell have I been?
Oh, right. I've been in rehab.
Yeah, they're putting on some fund raiser for the counseling center,
and Jen gets to play host.
Oh, my god. This is perfect.
She can totally intro me to the doc.
I knew it was destiny. I gotta pee.
She's baaaaaack.
Is it too much to ask that we invest in some cordless phones around here?
You excited about the hosting gig tonight?
Mm-hmm. Yeah?
Who knows? You could become the next Ryan Seacrest.
You could borrow one of his man-blouses.
Something wrong? You seem a little tense.
No, I'm really not. I'm fine.
Come here.
Sit down. No, that's ok.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
There, doesn't that feel better?
So I was thinking,
after tonight's soiree,
you and I can slip back to my place for a little nightcapper?
You, me, some cheap champagne, a little Fleetwood Mac.
I can't.
Ok, no Fleetwood Mac.
No, um...
It's not that.
I mean, I just... I can't. I can't.
Why not?
I have to help Grams.
I can help Grams. Let me come.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
Why not?
Because, C.J., I'm breaking up with you. I'll see you tonight.
Joey?
Yes, Eddie?
Um, we never got a chance to finish our conversation.
And what conversation was that?
About how you're repulsed by me.
I am not repulsed by you.
Then why won't you get with me?
Would you stop saying "Get with me?"
It's creeping me out.
Sorry.
And I...
I don't want to talk about that.
What?
You know.
What, sex? You don't want to talk about sex?
No! Why?
I don't know. I just...
I don't.
Oh, I get it. I understand.
I repulse you.
You don't repulse me.
It's ok.
This happened to me before.
It has?
No.
Eddie, you know what?
You don't get anywhere talking about sex.
You just make me uncomfortable.
Clearly.
Oh, my sweet lord!
Will the two of you just do it already and be quiet?
I have to go. I have a quiz.
Well, fine. Maybe we can not talk about this later.
Gladly.
Do you want to make out?
No.
Good.
That was your test, buddy.
You break her heart again,
and I'm going to kill you. You got it?
Yeah.
Have a good one.
Hi.
So, is there, like, assigned seats, or how does this work?
No, it's general admission. First come, first served.
Great. So if I wanted to sit by someone specific,
the best way would just be to ask him?
Uh, yeah.
So...you going with anybody?
Me?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
Oh, well...uh, no...
Normally, I wouldn't mind, but, uh...
You'd have to ask my boyfriend Jack.
You rang?
Uh, yeah. I thought I'd introduce you to this guy
who just had the good taste to hit on me.
Uh, Jack, this is...
Uh, Fred. Fred.
Hi.
Sorry about that.
Not a problem. It's cool.
I mean, you know, it's not cool, of course.
Although I do like to pimp him out from time to time.
Gotcha.
It was nice meeting you.
You, too.
Hi.
He seemed nice.
Yeah.
Why am I doing this?
Eating cheese?
No, no, this.
I'm not--I'm not cut out for this.
What if nobody talks?
I mean, at least at the helpline I can hang up on them.
But what if nobody asks any questions?
What am I going to do?
Run and hide and curl up in a fetal position
hoping nobody finds you?
I need a ringer.
A what?
A ringer--
somebody to ask pre-planned questions
during uncomfortable moments of silence.
Well, don't look at me.
I suffer from glossophobia.
It's a fear of public speaking.
So my duties tonight
will be strictly limited to ticket taking,
which I will now go do.
Good luck. Thanks.
Hi.
So...
What are you doing here?
I'm helping you host the event, remember?
Yeah.
Right.
Um, about what happened earlier--
You know what? I can't really talk about that right now.
I'm sorry. I...
I've got so many notes to go over,
and...cold cuts,
I have these really wonderful cold cuts
that I don't want to go to waste.
Ok. Fair enough. Yeah. I'll just go get ready.
Good.
Oh, my god! Where is he?
Who?
Who? Who? Oh, Jen, Jen. Sweet, sweet, Jen.
Such an amusing facade, but it's of no use. You can't keep us apart.
It's destiny, I tell you. Destiny.
Jen, he was on my plane.
Ladies, put the claws back. No need to fight.
Plenty of room on the Carolla coaster for everyone.
I'm afraid I won't meet the minimum-height requirement.
It's nice to meet you.
I got to go.
Well, what about you?
You want to hop on board?
I wasn't talking about you, doofus.
I'm kind of looking for Dr. Drew.
Pinsky?
Yes, yes! Do you know where he is?
That geezer's probably out casket shopping.
He's old. He's an old man.
He's old enough to be your grandfather.
Whereas I, I'm just old enough to be your daddy.
And plus, the guy's a bore. He's an amazing bore.
He never stops talking about gonorrhea and hepatitis g.
Believe me, I know.
I have to share a hotel room with the guy.
Cheap bastards.
Oh, my god.
You've shared a room with him?
Tell me something.
Have you seen him naked?
Yes. Yes, I have.
I hate to tell you this,
but in about 2 minutes,
there's going to be a riot for that seat.
Hey. Hey.
Jack, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Fred. So...where's the boyfriend?
Well, that would be the question of the hour.
Clearly not where he's supposed to be.
But it is taken, right?
The seat?
Uh...yeah, you know, I was, um...
What the hell.
It's all yours.
Just so you know, it's over.
What is? The trust.
Are we still talking--
Done. Gone. Finito. Deader than disco.
You allowed me to think that I was good at it.
Good at what?
The sweet, tender lovemaking
that couples tend to engage in upon day's end.
Look, you are good at it, ok?
Now could we please stop talking about this?
No. No, we can't.
And I thought the whole point of this evening
was for people to get together and talk about their problems.
We're freaks, but we're not those kinds of freaks.
Sit!
Lying on the ground,
his tongue is just hanging out of his mouth,
vultures flying over his head.
And he goes to the farmer, he goes, "Shh.
They're just about to land."
Oh, man. You're definitely going to get punched for that.
I could think of worse things.
Like not saving your boyfriend a seat?
David, hey. You remember, um...
I remember. It's nice to see you again.
I thought we said the right side of the stage.
We did.
We, uh...
See, I meant from the front.
From the front, it's the right,
but if you're coming from the back,
I could see how you could have...
Uh...
You know...
I'm--I'm sorry.
It's my fault. I'll move.
Good idea.
They are both the hosts of the wildly popular radio show Loveline.
I'd like to go ahead and take this time
to introduce our esteemed guests
Dr. Drew and Adam corolla.
Um, ok. Well, since our time here is limited,
and I'm pretty sure that everybody knows how this works.
With no further ado...
Who has the first question?
Ok, not everyone at once.
Oh, Jen.
Jen, pick me.
Lindley!
Uh, anybody.
Anybody.
Bueller?
Come on. You people are in college.
Your crabs have gonorrhea.
Where's the questions?
I'd actually-- I'd actually like
to pose a question, if I may?
Actually, C.J.,
I think it's your job to field the questions, not ask them.
You field, they ask.
Field. Ask. Field. Ask. You see how it works?
That's ok, Jennifer. We're not exactly worried about form here.
So go on, C.J., ask your question.
Uh, ok. Well, there's this, uh...
Girl that I have-- or had a relationship with.
She was a sex buddy?
No, she, uh...
She was a girlfriend, actually, and we were together for several months
up until this morning,
when she dumped me like a sack of rotten trash.
No explanation, no warning, no nothing.
Were there any warning signs?
Any problems in the relationship?
No, none.
Well...
I did sleep with one of her friends.
But just one, right?
Women don't--they don't mind that kind of stuff.
Can't be that.
But she knew about it
and it was before we got together,
so that doesn't really count, right?
Have you simply tried asking for an explanation?
That's the thing.
Every time I try to talk to her,
she treats me like I'm Father Damien.
He was a leper.
Oh, sure.
The famous leper, Father Damien.
Drew, you wrote your thesis on Father Damien, did you not?
All right. Listen,
I say run.
I mean, this chick's a head case.
She's going to take you down, I promise.
Thank you, Adam, for that astute insight,
but if you don't mind me saying so,
I think that C.J.'s problems here are really subordinate
to those of the many members of this audience
who have actually paid good money to listen
to your vastly underqualified advice.
You're so lucky I don't know what "subordinate" means, honey.
So I guess we should probably just break up then, huh?
Would you be quiet?
Well, I need to know what's going on here!
Shut up.
Don't tell me to shut up in front of all these people.
What I don't understand is
why is so hard for you to talk about sex?!
Whoa. What have we here?
We got to hear more about this.
We got a wiener in the crowd here, drew.
Let's get a Mike over to these guys.
This will make a good question.
Uh, no, that's ok.
There's no problem.
Nope. Nope. No problem at all.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a problem,
or you wouldn't have been screaming like a girl 10 seconds ago.
We need to hear this problem. What is it?
No, it's really-- it's ok.
It's not--it's not that bad, actually.
Yeah, he likes it that way.
He prefers it, actually.
I'm sorry. I think I missed something.
What's your name?
Joey.
I'm Eddie. But like I said,
we have no problem.
Oh, if you say so.
But you can't help but wonder, Adam,
should a couple that's not even mature enough to talk about sex
be having sex? Yeah.
Give me this. That's what I'm saying, Dr. Drew.
It's exactly what I'm saying.
Well, not exactly what I'm saying.
I mean, she is a little, like, uptight about the whole thing.
I am not. Yes, you are.
Listen, listen.
This long-distance relationship is breaking my heart.
Let's get you two up on stage
where we can thump you like melons.
What do you guys say?
Thank you.
Jen!
Jen! I really have one.
Jen!
Just so you know,
I'm going to kill you afterwards.
Ok.
Now why don't you two start
by telling us about this relationship?
Well...I'll start.
It's all very simple, actually.
Today, I realized that the girl
that I have been opening my life
and baring my-- my naked soul to
for the past 6 months is a phony.
6 months. Is that how long
this thing's been going on?
Well, it's hard to tell exactly.
I mean, we met in the fall,
but we really didn't like each other--
Oh, hey, stop.
Ok, look, I had no beef with her,
but she--she obviously...
You know, was in love with me...
In her own emotionally unstable way.
Emotionally unstable?
I'm emotionally unstable?
Yes, look in the mirror, Joey.
Who packed up and left with no forwarding address
at the first sign that this thing was getting serious?
Oh, I came back, didn't I?
No, not willingly. I'm sitting here.
I had to come looking for you, didn't I?
At a significant loss to my personal dignity, thank you very much.
And then, to celebrate...
He left again.
And throughout all this,
you kept having sex?
Oh, yeah.
No wonder she's screwed up.
Thank you. Wait a second--
Listen, I don't like the cut of your jib, son.
I mean, you have sex with her,
then you dump her.
Then you try to get her trust back,
except for you abandon her again.
So you've abandoned her twice,
and now you're perplexed as to why she won't trust you
when you've dumped her 2 times?
Are you high, son?
I mean, no wonder she's cut you off.
Drew, if you treated me this way,
I'd cut you off... In a heartbeat.
That's why I treat you the right way. That's right.
Joey, is this abandonment a big issue for you?
No.
Are you on any medication?
No!
Is your Dad around?
Is he a big figure in your life?
Is anything going on with him?
You know what? Dr. Drew,
I thank you for everything,
but I--I think I've had enough,
and I'm going to head back to my seat now.
Not so fast. Listen, Joey,
nothing to be ashamed of.
Common problems, all right?
Tough to talk about.
Jennifer, I'm sure people call the helpline
all the time with things like this.
Oh, yeah. Constantly.
There's really nothing to be embarrassed about.
You're very normal in your abnormality.
Jen, perhaps there's someone else in the audience
that would like to ask a question.
Oh, yes, yes, with the raised hand.
Who is that?
Uh...
My name's David, and I need to know
what the proper response might be
when you find your boyfriend openly flirting
with some other guy right in front of you?
I wasn't flirting.
Since when is having an idle chat considered flirting, my friend?
We have a couple of dates, he thinks he owns me, drew.
Adam wants to be your boyfriend.
He longs to be gay.
David, uh, was this a monogamous relationship?
Yeah. I thought it was.
I see. So you're kind of wondering
whether it actually is monogamous.
Well, obviously, you guys need to talk about this.
Um, you know, one possibility is
that he's acting out right in front of you,
because he's trying to give you a message,
and he just doesn't have any other way to tell you.
Or maybe he's just one of those people
who's really super-nice to everybody
so it seems like he's flirting,
but actually, he's not,
'cause nobody's that stupid.
So, my advice on this would just be forgive and forget.
Are you high, missy?
You got to dump this guy,
and I'm not saying that because he's a gay.
Um...ok,
why don't we go to Mandy behind the screen?
Mandy, what's your question?
Mandy?
Oh. Hi. Sorry, no.
Actually, my name is Audrey,
and my question is specifically for Dr. Drew.
Um, I'm about 5'7".
I've got blond hair, blue eyes, great rack.
Audrey, question. Find it.
Oh, right. Ok. Well, um...
Several months ago,
I realized that I had a serious problem with alcohol.
I had all these negative feelings about my life,
and I was using alcohol as my escape.
And in the process,
I hurt a lot of people that were very close to me.
And if it hadn't been for those very same people,
I probably would not have gotten
the professional help that I needed.
So after spending several weeks
in a rehab facility in southern California,
um...
I guess my question to you is this, Dr. Drew--
How would you like to go back to my dorm room
and play a little game I like to call
"Dirty doctor and naughty nurse?"
Ok...
Audrey, that was touching.
Let's move on, shall we, to-
you know, we really haven't had a chance
to get a woman's perspective on some of these matters.
Uh, tell me, Jennifer,
getting back to my problem,
why do you think this girl decided
to rip my heart out without any explanation?
Well, if you ask me, C.J.,
I think the time for your problem has come and gone.
Now, since we have with us here the experts onstage
who are here to answer people's questions--
Oh, experts, huh?
A minute ago, I was hack, now I'm back to expert?
That's nice.
Actually, Jennifer, that's not a bad idea.
You should answer this question.
Everyone's here to support the helpline.
Why don't you give them a sample
of what they can get when they call in?
Ok. Well, if you ask me,
um...
I think that the answer to that question has many parts.
One, it seems to me that this girl
isn't really out to get you,
that maybe, in fact, she's just confused.
To say the least.
And 2, maybe she has a lot on her plate at the moment,
so she doesn't feel like she has the time for a relationship.
And 3?
That's it.
You can't just start stringing together
a list of reasons and stop at 2.
Says who?
Says--says me. Says drew.
Says our parents.
Remember your mom said that to me, drew?
Ok, fine. You get 3.
Listen, I just don't want a boyfriend at this point in time, ok?
Wait a minute.
"I don't?"
This is the head case he's talking about.
He's talking about her.
No.
Yes.
I am the girl that he is referring to,
but no, I'm not a head case.
Oh, wow. This is interesting.
So, why did you dump this guy?
Unless you don't feel comfortable talking about these issues.
No, it's just, um...
He beats you, right? I knew it.
I could see it in his eyes, drew.
Seriously, is there something about this guy you don't like?
Or is it something about him,
or something about the relationship?
No, no, I like him.
I like him. What's-- what's not to like?
He's perfect.
He's the perfect living embodiment
of everything that I've ever wanted in a boyfriend,
but never thought that I would actually find.
You're kind, you're caring, you're sensitive,
you're not wigged out by gay people.
He is kind of cute.
He's got a bit of the Spader working for him.
If I were to start a boy from scratch,
this is what he would end up as.
All right then.
So, why would you sabotage this?
Why would you take someone good,
someone you described as wonderful, perfect,
and just drive him away?
Can we turn this back to Joey?
She's more screwed up than me.
Hey.
Were either of you abused when you were kids?
No.
Joey's dad did some time in the big house.
Maybe we could bring Jack up here for some humiliation.
No, no, no. Do not let her change the subject again, Jen.
I still intend to get some answers from Sally Albright--
Hey, get in line, pal.
At least you still have a girlfriend.
Jen, I really need to know what kind of undergarments--
When we get back to L.A.,
I'm putting this knee in my agent's groin.
You know what? It's over.
I'm obviously not equipped to be here.
So if you have questions and you need answers,
you should all call the helpline.
Oh, my god.
Jen, what was it like to be that close to him?
Did you get to touch him? What does he smell like?
Audrey, how would you like to see him up close and personal?
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Yes. Take over the hosting duties.
Oh, I thought you wanted me to sing.
Oh, well. A gig's a gig. Thanks.
Ok, people,
since our lovely hostess with the mostess Jen Lindley
picked now to have a mental breakdown,
I'll be your Ricki Lake for the rest of the evening.
Now, who's got the next question?
You! Up top! Funny shaped head. What do you got?
Um, Dr. Drew, is it true that men only want sex
and women only want relationships?
I can tell you firsthand that ain't true.
I could tell you stories that would boggle
your pea-sized little brain. I once--
Asked this girl to do it while I was driving once,
but she got all sketchy. Said it wasn't safe--
To engage in high risk behavior.
If you have, you should see
a doctor immediately, and then ask--
Is someone under 5 feet considered a midget?
Official midget height is
if I'm wearing a pair of stilettos and I can rest my--
This laser's not a magic wand.
Not a panacea, yeah.
Yeah, people think it's a--what did you say it was?
Panacea. Cure-all.
During sex, she likes to listen to Pop Goes The Weasel.
Is that--is that weird?
That may be where the source
of your sexual dysfunction comes from.
Is it ok to use a vibrator?
Great question. But I think
he has some feelings about that. Adam?
Well, I did a test with drew once,
where I just covered the left side of his face with--
Whenever you have an abnormality that way,
it increases your chances of being an evil genius.
Well, what I really want to know is--
Are you taking any medication?
Is it true I can't get pregnant on a full moon?
Are you on any medication?
I've got this bad burning sensation.
Are you on any medication?
What is the average size of the male genitalia?
Fluoxetine. I mean really bad.
Citalophram. It's like I'm on fire.
Fluvoxamine. Sertraline.
Proprion. Buspirone.
How small is small?
Which is a genetic biological disease
which could lead to consuming progressive amounts of--
Whipped cream. And make sure
you have plenty of it, or else!
The men that want their women to look
like little boys that cause them--
Depression and anxiety,
which can have both psychological
and biological elements to it, and hopefully--
That answers your question.
Ok, people, that's all the time we have for this evening.
Remember something-- if you find yourself alone and depressed
in a room sitting under a bare bulb
if a pile of your own sick,
please don't call me, call the helpline.
Have a great evening.
So, what would you say
to you, me, a couple of non-alcoholic beers,
and a shiny new thermometer?
Baby, you're reading my mind.
Ugh!
What exactly are we doing back here?
We're looking for Audrey.
Hello. We drove her here.
Then we get home and put this horrid night behind us.
Yeah, but we haven't solved our little problem.
Eddie!
Good god, son!
Are you still harping on that?
Why don't you give the girl a break?
Have you taken a look at her lately?
You're lucky a chick that hot
let's you get naked in the same building she's in.
You gotta move on. How old are you?
15, 16?
I'm 25.
25. You know what I was doing when I was 25?
No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
That's right. I'm gonna tell you.
When I was 25, I only dreamt
of getting with chicks this hot.
I was in my parents' basement looking at my raft box.
Had a picture of a gal on it.
She was wearing a bikini and floating on a raft,
and I just stared at that thing until I was cross-eyed.
I miss that raft box.
That's...weird.
Yeah, you're damn right it's weird.
And that's my point.
I'm tired of you college kids complaining
and bellyaching all the time.
When I was in college,
we didn't have chicks that dressed like this.
With their belly tees, and their hip huggers,
and their thongs hanging out the back.
No, no, we had it tough.
Let me ask you a question.
You'd be with this guy if you thought
you could trust him, right?
Yeah.
There you go, sport. All you gotta do is gain her trust
and you're in like flint, all right?
All right. Well, my work is done here.
I'm gonna get some cheese.
So, is that true? You don't trust me?
Well, can you blame me?
No.
Eddie...
We're living this fantasy.
And--and we've...
Been doing it ever since you got back.
And as nice as the fantasy is...
It's gonna have to end sooner or later.
Well, since you put it that way, Joey,
I choose later.
Look, I understand how you feel,
and I'm sorry that I gave you a hard time.
But there's nothing I can say to earn your trust.
So, you're just gonna have to take a leap of faith.
Ok, and know that
I love you more than anything in this world.
Ok?
Ok, come on.
Were we going?
Back to my room before Audrey gets back.
But we drove her here.
She's not gonna be able to get back to the--
Exactly!
You know...
Tonight doesn't have to be a complete disaster.
If we hurry, we can still make it to the bars.
Maybe you can find some nice guy
for me to openly flirt with.
Am I supposed to be amused by that?
Yes, David, you are.
Oh.
But since you're not,
maybe you should just say what you want to say
and let's get this over with.
And you don't have anything that you want to say?
Honestly, no, because in my mind
there's nothing worth even talking about.
It's just a stupid misunderstanding
that you seem intent on blowing up into a much larger deal.
Ok. So, just to clarify,
I'm crazy, and you're not gonna even attempt an apology.
I was just talking with the guy, David. That's it.
It's like Jen said. All right, I'm just--
I was being nice. It's not like I'm trying to communicate anything.
It's not like I'm trying to make you feel bad.
You know what?
I'm beginning to think maybe I should've trusted
my original instincts about you.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Look, if you want to break up with me
over something this minor, just do it.
Wow. That's the first place you go?
What? You're worse than Jen.
Or maybe you two have been hanging out so long
you've just become the same person.
What the hell are you talking--
you know, for a master communicator,
you're not expressing yourself too well right now.
We were having a tiny little argument,
and in 2 seconds, you just managed to snowball it
into something catastrophic.
Oh, right. I manage.
And you weren't at all being passive aggressive.
I am not the one who's looking for a way out of this.
And I am? And I am? Do you know what?
If you're bored, if you're in over your head,
than just say so. Did I say that?!
Fine, fine.
But I am not just gonna dump you
so that you can walk away from this guilt-free.
Guilt f--
David, I am guilt-free. I didn't do anything wrong.
Right.
What? Oh, great, what? You're leaving now?
Yes. But before I do,
I'm gonna make this really simple for you.
Either apologize to me or break up with me.
Oh, fine, ok, whatever. Sorry.
No. No, no, no.
I deserve better than that.
Take a day. Hell, take a week.
Think about it, and let me know what you decide.
Wait, C.J. wait. Let me explain.
Wait, will you please just let me explain?
You know, Jen, I think I've heard
all I need to hear tonight.
Look, I need to talk to you. I--I need your help.
Oh, you need my help? Well, you said it earlier.
Why don't you call the friggin' helpline?
Ok, I will. Ring-ring!
Aw, man, I really hope somebody picks up. Ring-ring!
I'm not gonna do this.
Oh, come on. You've got a crazy girl
on the other end of the line
and she might do something irrational
if she doesn't have somebody to talk to. Ring-ring.
Hello?
Hi. Is this the helpline? Yes.
Uh, because you didn't say helpline when you answered.
Hello. Helpline.
Uh, who am I speaking with?
Because you didn't give me your name, either.
Hello. Helpline. This is C.J. do you have a crisis?
Hi, C.J.
You have a very sweet voice.
Do you have a crisis or not?
Yes, I do.
And you should like somebody that I could trust,
and somebody who could be endlessly sympathetic
with a girl who has a lot of problems.
Oh, well, isn't that ironic?
Considering I just got dumped today
by a girl with a lot of problems.
Or maybe she doesn't have any?
Maybe she doesn't have any problems.
Personally, I wouldn't know
because she doesn't have enough trust to confide in me.
Well...
The thing is that maybe...
This girl realizes that she made a mistake,
but she doesn't really know what to do about it.
Well, maybe she needs to start by realizing
that whatever the problem is,
her boyfriend's not the enemy.
Right. Well, see, now, that's the thing about this girl,
is that she has a tendency to subscribe
to self-destructive behaviors in her life,
and that when one part of her life isn't going well,
she has this desire to destroy everything else
going on, and plus, she's never really been able
to trust anybody before, so--
Everybody's gotta start sometime.
So--so, what? So what do I do?
I just--I just-- I just say what it is
that's bothering me, and then I look up and you're still there?
Yes. That's what this whole boyfriend thing is all about.
But if you're not interested in having a boyfriend,
I can certainly--
She's sick.
My Grams is sick.
And she has been keeping it from me,
and it's the reason that she broke up with your Uncle Bill,
and--and I don't know what else she's been keeping from me.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I don't know anything about anything,
and so I had a freak-out, one freak-out.
Is that ok?
Yes.
Yeah. Take as many as you need.
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Just the man I was looking for.
I knew you'd come around. They always do.
Yeah. Where's Dr. Drew?
Oh. Again with the pinsky?
Listen, I hate to tell you,
but your beloved Dr. Drew,
not so great with the staying power.
What?
He went to the airport right after the gig.
But...
I never got any personal face time with him.
What are you still doing here?
Eh, I like to hang behind at these things.
See if I can scrape up a little coed tail.
Yeah. Has that ever worked for you?
No. No, it hasn't.
Joey?
Jen! Jack! Anybody!
Ugh! Can this night suck any harder?
You know, there are more productive ways
to manage aggression.
Listen, buddy--oh!
Hi! Dr. Drew, I--
I wasn't angry just now.
I was just--I was practicing for a play.
You know, "Stella, Stella," all that.
So you're an actress?
Well...I am.
But, you know, more so in life,
I guess, than in art.
I have a bit of a flair for the dramatic.
You don't say.
Yeah.
Although...
I should kind of point out
I--I wasn't entirely lying about...
The whole rehab thing.
I mean, it happened,
that whole part of my life.
And it wasn't pretty,
having to face myself and all that.
But every night
after a long day's whining,
I would lie in bed and I would bug my roommate
by listening to you guys give advice
to all those other losers out there in radioland,
and...I don't know.
It just, it...
Made me feel less alone.
So...
Well, I guess I just want to say thank you.
For being you, and...
The truth is...
I don't know if I could've done it without you.
Plus, you're, like, totally hot.
Ha ha ha!
Audrey, do you want a ride?
Oh, I would love one.
But I know that you're married,
so we must keep our distance, drew.
I'll try.
So, you must have, like, a boatload of groupies, huh?
A few.
Yeah. Don't you kind of hate girls like that?