Part II
Achilles!
Over here, stable keeper, barbarian horse worshipper.
Out of breath so soon, my right foot princely?
Your friend Patroclus fled with father and made better sports.
Murderer!
Patroclus with a boy!
A boy?
Well, he died like a dog whimpering after his master, Achilles.
Come, let me send you to him where he wakes in Hades.
Let me throw the dog a bone or two.
What?
So anxious to be gone?
I would not keep you for the world.
Bones would be the meatier Trojan.
The meatier trifle of the fair to me.
We're all as one, we were white and well enough in the sun.
Run, Achilles!
Run!
Run a little more before you die!
What sort of people are they, doctor?
Oh, I'm not sure, my child.
You'll notice they're wearing Grecian costumes.
They don't seem to have noticed us.
That's hardly surprising in the circumstances.
Which side do you suppose they're fighting?
I haven't the remotest idea, my boy.
No doubt their reasons will be entirely adequate.
Yes, I think I... perhaps I'd better go and ask them where we are.
Doctor, be careful, they're terribly fierce.
Oh, what nonsense.
If you take notice of them, I think they're doing more talking than they are fighting.
I'd better go and ask them where we are.
Doctor, you can't. You know if you go out there by yourself...
Now you stay here, my dear, and look after that ankle.
Wouldn't it be better if I went?
Not at all, young man. You stay here and keep an eye on Vicky.
Besides, I don't think your present humor is fitting for the occasion.
You know, I don't think they'd appreciate your kind of sarcasm.
The gods of my people, Hector, are not lightly mocked.
They are terrible!
Troy itself is doomed to fall at their bidding.
Even as you are.
You cannot stand against them.
You pretend that old Father Zeus will descend to earth and take Troy for you.
I guarantee to trim his beard for him if he dare attempt it.
Beware the voice of Zeus, Hector.
Beware the anger of Olympus.
Oh, my, to fear the thunder, you superstitious, dark, dodging decadent!
Hear me, Zeus!
Accept from me the promised life of your cringing servant Achilles.
Or else, I challenge you, descend to earth and save him!
Zeus!
Forgive me.
Stop! You must not kick a man when he is down.
You have killed this poor fellow.
Oh, but in your name.
In my name, indeed. Get up!
Get up, I tell you!
This is terrible.
Zeus bid me to rise.
What is this?
What is it you take me for?
The father of the gods and ruler of the world.
What?
Do you really?
And who might you be, may I ask?
Achilles.
Mightiest of warriors, greatest in battle, humblest of your servant.
Well, if I may say so, you're not really humble, are you, eh?
Yes, I think I know you, yes.
And this friend of yours must be...
Hector, prince of Troy.
Sent to Hades for blasphemy against the gods of Greece.
Blasphemy? I'm sure he didn't mean it.
He threatened to trim your beard till you descend to earth.
Oh, did he now?
Well, if you notice, I have no beard.
If you had appeared to me in your true form,
I would have been truly blinded by your radiance.
It is well known that when you come amongst us,
you adopt to many different forms.
Oh, do I?
To Europa you appear as a bull.
To Leda as a swan.
To me, in the guise of an old beggar.
I beg your pardon, I do nothing of the kind.
Oh, but still your glory shines through.
Oh, indeed, indeed so.
Yes, so I should hope.
Yes, well, thank you. I'm glad to meet you.
Now, if you will excuse me, I must get back to my temple.
Attend to his funeral.
Oh, stop!
You must not go.
Do you realize whom you are addressing?
Forgive me, Father Zeus. I spoke hastily.
Then do not hinder me, or I will strike you with a thunderbolt.
I must brave even the wrath of Zeus and implore you to remain.
Well, I don't see why I should.
I have many other commitments, you must understand.
And one of them lies here, in the camp of Agamemnon, our general.
Oh, hear me out, I pray you.
For ten long years now, we have laid siege to Troy,
and still they defy us.
Come!
Where's he off to now?
It's a fine time to go looking at the view.
After all, that's why he went out there, to find out where we are.
Anyway, that man looks quite friendly now.
He's probably showing him the way to the nearest town.
I wonder.
I think I'd better try and find some more suitable clothes.
There they sit, secure behind their walls,
whilst we rot in their summers and starve in their crack-bone winters.
What's this, Achilles?
So far from camp, all unprotected, from a prisoner?
Odysseus, this is no prisoner.
Certainly not.
Not yet a prisoner? You should have called for assistance, lad.
We would not like to lose you.
Come, let us escort you homewards.
Night might fall and find thee from thy tent.
I wouldn't stand for that if I were you.
Ah, but then, O fellow, you are not the Lord Achilles.
He is not the one to look for trouble, are you, boy?
Have a care, pirate.
Are there no Trojan throats to slip that you dare tempt my sword?
Throats enough, I grant you.
Some half-scored Trojans will not whistle easy tonight, but what of you?
Oh, what a trifle.
I met Prince Hector.
Here he lies.
Zeus!
Was instrumental.
No doubt, no doubt.
But what a year this is for plague.
Even the strongest might fall.
Prince Hector, that he should come to this.
You met him here, you say, as he lay dying.
I met him, Odysseus, in single combat.
Oh, yes, it's true.
And raced him round the walls till down he fell exhausted.
A famous victory.
I met him face to face, I say.
Battled with him for an hour or more,
until my greater strength overcame him.
Bravo!
But tell me, Lightfoot, what of Zeus, you say, intervened and...
Why, there he stands and listens to your mockery.
Oh, yes, I find it most interesting.
What this old man, this red-bagged great plague!
Oh, come Achilles!
Oh, forgive him, Father Zeus.
He is but a rough and simple sailor.
Why, very rough, but scarce as simple as you seem to think.
What have we here?
The seer!
He's coming in.
No, the doctor will stop him.
I must go out and help.
No, don't. Just a minute.
Here.
Take this and wait behind the door.
The temple of Zeus, you say.
A joyful modest, is it not, for so powerful a god?
This is my travelling temple.
Being small, it's convenient.
You shall not enter.
Certainly not.
In any case, I must be off.
Oh, then will you not stay with us?
No, I...
What?
You will to the Grecian camp.
If you indeed be Zeus, we have need of your assistance.
Now, do not call there, lads.
Zeus is on our side, sir Agamemnon.
Keeps insisting.
Bear him up and let us carry him in triumph to the camp.
I am quite capable of walking.
Odysseus, I claim the honour to escort him.
Let him walk to camp with me.
You shall have honour enough.
Maybe we shall have a little of the truth.
Father Zeus, we await you.
We crave the pleasure of your company at supper,
and perhaps a tale or two of Aphrodite.
I refuse to enter into any kind of vulgar bawdry.
Then you shall tell us why we are here.
Tell us why we find you lacking near our lines.
That should prove equally entertaining.
Take him, lads.
And two of you there, take off this carrier.
Have a care, do not touch me.
You will pay for this, Odysseus.
Ah, will I? We shall see.
This much must we do for the Lord Achilles,
lest none believe his story.
You will not laugh so loud, I think,
when Agamemnon hears of this.
I am going after him.
I'm sure he's been taken prisoner.
Oh, come on, the big man was laughing.
Didn't look as though the doctor made a joke.
Anyway, we don't even know where we are.
The doctor said they were Greeks.
We're probably in Greece.
Oh, that would be wonderful, wouldn't it?
We might meet the heroes.
We might...
Those men who carried off the doctor wouldn't be heroes,
or anything like them.
That's why I've got to go and get him.
Well, I'm coming with you.
How far do you think you can get on that ankle?
It's not so bad. Now I...
I'll manage.
No, you stay here.
Rest your ankle, watch the scanners.
You'll be perfectly safe.
When you see the doctor and me coming, open the doors.
But not otherwise.
But Stephen, we mustn't...
No, I haven't got time to argue.
I want to get to the doctor before they cut his head off.
Now stay here.
Goodbye.
I hope you find the doctor, that's all.
You drink too much, Mendeleevs.
I've told you about it before.
Why can't you learn to behave like a king
instead of a dropsical old camp follower?
Have a little dignity.
Try to remember that you're my brother, can't you?
One of the reasons I drink agamemnon
is to forget that I am your brother.
Another is this ridiculous Trojan expedition.
We've been here for ten years.
I want to go home.
Besides, I'm not getting any younger.
You won't get any older if you talk to me like that,
brother or no brother.
What's the matter with you, man?
Don't you want to get Helen back?
Don't you...
Don't you want to see your wife again?
Quite frankly, no.
You must know I was heartily glad to see the back of her.
You mustn't talk like that in front of these.
It wasn't the first time she'd allowed herself to be abducted.
I can't keep on going off to the ends of the earth to get her back.
It makes me a laughing stock.
Now, you knew perfectly well what she was like before you married her.
Besides, this is a question of honor to get her back.
Family honor, don't you understand?
Not to mention the trade routes through the Bosphorus, of course.
What have they got to do with it?
It isn't enough for you that you control the Achaean League, is it?
Now you want to take over Asia Minor as well.
Only King Priam of Troy stands in your way.
May I remind you that these ambitions would have been served just as well
if you had killed Paris in single combat as you were expected to.
And don't interrupt.
Priam would have been quite prepared to let this contest settle the issue between us.
Yes, but...
Don't blame me because you've landed us into a full-scale war.
Yes, but I did challenge Paris, if you remember, ten years ago.
Furrow wouldn't accept.
He's just about as cowardly as you are.
For the last time, I am not a coward.
Well, in that case, why don't you challenge someone else?
Anyone.
Challenge Hector.
Hector?
Are you mad? Why, that'd be suicide.
You don't know until you've tried it, do you?
You know, I think that's a very good idea of yours.
Oh, so you want to see me killed, is that it?
Is nothing sacred to you?
A brother's honour.
Oh, Paul, I hold that more sacred than anything else.
That's why I shall issue the challenge in the morning on your behalf.
On my behalf?
Hey, hey!
Hector is dead.
What?
How did this happen?
This very day.
I slew him after an hour or more of single combat.
Oh, you did.
Oh, dear.
There's another good idea wasted.
What do you mean, wasted?
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
It's only that Menelaus was just about to challenge him.
Don't think I'm not pleased with what you've done.
I am.
Sit down.
Tell us all about it.
But I have other more important news, and there isn't much time.
What's more important than the death of Hector?
At the height of my battle with Hector, there came a sudden lightning flash.
And Zeus appeared before me.
Zeus?
Eh?
It's all right.
He's been listening to too much propaganda, haven't you, Achilles?
You mustn't take so much notice of that.
Look, I tell you it's true.
He appeared to me from nowhere in the shape of a little old man.
Where is he now, this little old Zeus?
He was about to accompany me here when Odysseus and his men arrived.
They took him prisoner.
They what?
Odysseus mocked him.
Then they seized him and are bringing him to camp.
I ran ahead to warn you.
You did well.
Odysseus, take Odysseus.
He can't be too careful in matters like this.
He may in fact be Zeus.
Guard!
Go find the Lord, Odysseus.
Command his presence here.
Who dares command Odysseus?
What, I command not?
Is it you?
Well, we will not quarrel when we have a guest of such importance.
Here's this old man.
He's a young man, a young man.
He's a young man.
The Lord wants to be a prince of the world.
Here's this old man, claims to be our father Zeus.
You may rise.
I am most displeased who is in command here.
I have that honor.
As I have always understood.
Yet this Mountbank Odysseus appears to be a law unto himself.
He will be reprimanded if you are indeed who you say you are.
If I am not a god, how do you account for my supernatural knowledge?
Knowledge of what?
I could tell you one or two things that might surprise you.
Name one.
Your wife, for instance, is unfaithful to you.
What?
Everyone knows that.
I've never heard it.
Everyone that is except you and him, of course.
Silence!
I will not have my wife's name panned in a bottle like that.
Besides, we have no way of checking on your slanderous assertions.
Are you finally inspired or no?
What do you advise?
Then treat me with honor and return me to my temple before I really become angry.
I tell you I commend one who has come to help us.
If I were an enemy, what could one man do alone and unarmed against the glory that is Greece?
Glory that is Greece?
A neat phrase.
The man is a spy.
Deal with him and be brief, or I shall undertake it for you.
After I am dead, Odysseus, and only dead.
If you shall insist, I shall be most happy to oblige like fortune.
Silence!
This is time for thought, not swordplay.
Since my thoughts are of such little account, allow me to withdraw.
Forgive him, Father Zeus.
The man is a bore.
If you command me, I will deal with him in the guise...
No, no, Achilles, leave him.
Why try to kill him now, when you are in sight of victory?
Do you prophesy as much as that?
I could almost guarantee it.
Almost?
Oh, not another ten years.
The first I would like to know, am I to be treated as a god or as an enemy?
If you kill me now, it would probably cost you the war.
Yes, that is so.
On the other hand, if we don't kill you when you are a spy, the same thing might happen.
I propose to place you under arrest.
Arrest?
But I must return to my tie... my temple.
A reverend arrest.
You must not be offended.
We shall enjoy the benefit of your experience and your advice,
and in return you will enjoy our hospitality.
Very well.
Excellent.
Do sit down and have a hambo.
Good-bye.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Do you believe that?
Dad!
My little Cyclops, what news?
The stranger?
Ah, the other stranger, another stranger.
From the temple.
Temple.
In the camp.
You think he is my enemy?
You have done well.
Now, my little Chatterbox, go back to your camp.
I will be back.
He is my enemy. You have done well.
Now, my little Chatterbox, go back to the temple.
See what happens.
Get your gun.
What have we here?
Another god, perhaps.
No, I'm just a traveler.
I lost my way and saw the light.
At least the god Apollo to walk invisible past centuries.
Centuries? I saw no centuries.
Then perhaps they are sleeping with a knife between their ribs.
Shall we go seek them together?
For the way you saw it, I'm a friend.
But a friend of whom?
What do you mean?
That god who feasts yonder, that Trojan spy?
I don't know him.
Do you not? We shall see.
Who is this?
My prisoner, the god Apollo Achilles. Will you not worship him?
He is a Trojan spy, but of such undoubted divinity, he must be spared.
Are you a Trojan fellow?
No, of course not.
I'm just a traveler of a sort.
Do you know this man?
Only for what he seems to be, an acquaintance from Olympus come to meet his father.
My father! I've never seen him before in my life.
Now shut up! Take him away, Odysseus.
Why should I be troubled with such petty prisoners?
Cut out his tongue for insolence and make an end.
Roughly enough.
All seeing Zeus, you see into our very hearts and know their secrets.
Quite so.
Then is this man a spy?
I do not know and I do not care.
Shall he then be put to death?
I think it would be much safer on the whole.
Stop! Have you lost your senses?
Now we have it. On second thought, you think we should release him to return to Troy?
Do not mock me, my lord Odysseus.
Would you stain the tent of Agamemnon's with a Trojan's blood?
I claim this man as a sacrifice to Olympus.
Bring him to my temple in the plain at sunrise in the morning and I will show you a miracle.
A miracle?
Oh, that would be most satisfactory.
Convincing proof, I would say.
What sort of miracle would you...
I will strike him with a bolt from heaven.
Very spectacular.
Ah, what's this? Who's this?
Release him.
My lord Odysseus, who is this man?
My Cyclops, my little servant. So.
Can he speak?
Alas, no more.
For once he spoke too loud for comfort and stabbed on a knife, but he speaks to me.
Get you gone and wait for me.
Thunder at the temple tomorrow, did you say?
Yes, I did.
Ah, weather is so unpredictable.
If there is no thunder on the plain, I have a sword will serve for two as well as one.
Your temple, as you call it, has disappeared.
Disappeared?
Vanished into thin air.
The End