Music
Something's gone wrong.
What's the matter, my dear?
It stopped going up and down.
That's all right. It means we've landed.
Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
Yes, that scanner's not working.
Can you mend it?
Yes, I can repair it, of course, but it means checking the whole circuit.
All right, let's get started.
Don't you dare touch anything.
Just look at those dials, my dear boy.
Sarah, look at those dials.
If either of you went outside, it would be extremely dangerous.
The whole atmosphere is poisonous.
What's in that name?
Who put that there?
When a poor man came inside, gathering winter fuel.
Here, you could charm the birds off the trees.
I'd settle for some from the coffee bars.
Here, what about Wild Shepherd's Watch? Do you think they'd appreciate that?
Hey, no, here's the sergeant. Come on.
Hello, sergeant.
What are you doing out here? Come and have a look at this.
Where did that come from?
You tell me.
Perhaps somebody sent it to the inspector.
There's a Christmas box.
Perhaps you'll both just stay out here and watch it.
Why? Do you think it's going to fly away?
Just you stay there and keep an eye on it, right?
And just why? If it isn't safe for us, is it safe for you?
Will neither of you understand?
For heaven's sake, let's go and fix the sky.
No. Where you come from, in both places, the air is pure.
Outside there is the worst kind of pollution I've met in years.
Right, then you shouldn't go out there either.
Oh, my dear boy, I'm used to all sorts of atmospheres. It won't affect me.
I shall have to go out and do the repairing myself.
But suppose something happens to you?
Then and only then can you come out, but you must be very, very careful.
And just how are we supposed to know that something has happened to you?
My dear young man, just give me a few minutes, and if all is well, I shall be back inside again to tell you.
My God, when we come out and find you, I seem to have been through all.
Now look here, my boy, you will do as you are told.
Now you just open the doors, and remember to close them after I've gone.
Yes, sir.
Good evening.
Hey, you!
What's up?
See that?
See what?
That then.
What then?
Did it?
There's a bloke in there.
Why?
A bloke with long white hair. I just saw him.
Did you?
Aye.
It's locked.
But I just saw him.
Why?
No, police. P-O-L-I-C-E.
Oh, I see. We've landed on your own planet.
Oh, nonsense, child. We're back on Earth.
But that's what's written outside the TARDIS.
Oh, never mind, never mind.
I shall have to go outside and try and distract them.
Meanwhile, you can stay here for a while, then come out and do the scanner.
Yes, but you said the air out there was so bad that if we came out...
Never mind what I said, my dear boy. Do as you're told.
Now open the doors, and remember to open them and shut them after I've gone.
Yes, sir.
It wouldn't be Father Christmas, would it?
All right, lad, it's a fair cop.
All right, what can I do for you?
I've got a complaint.
Well, the doctor's just round the corner.
No, no, no, no. I mean, I want to make a complaint.
Oh, I see. Well, let's have your name, then.
They keep moving me house.
Moving your what?
House.
They keep moving your house?
Yes, me green house.
It's the rebels.
The rebels?
Anyone in CID?
Oh, it's those two.
Good, come on.
Haven't I seen your face before somewhere?
Where?
Yes, of course, I remember now. Yes, the marketplace at Jaffa.
Jaffa?
The young chap said I should come to see you about...
About what?
About me green house. It's the rebels.
I've heard of a housing shortage, but I never knew it was so bad you'd have to spend Christmas in a police box.
Oh, Christmas. Oh, is it? Of course. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
That accounts for the holly in the hall.
You mean you didn't know?
Well, of course I didn't know. I travel about too much.
And why's that?
Well, a question of knowledge, dear boy.
I mean, you have a saying in this country, have you not?
Travel broadens the mind.
You mean you're not English?
No, gracious no.
Scottish?
No.
Are you Welsh, then?
Oh, you'll have to think of a far bigger way than that.
Your ideas are too narrow, too small, too crippled.
All right, all right. What are you, then?
Well, I suppose you might say that I am a citizen of the universe.
And a gentleman to whom it is an honour, between thee, sir.
Now, look, lad.
And now they've been and gone and moved it again.
Oh, where to this time?
I don't know.
That's why I came to see you, the young...
You're sure it's not out there along beside the...
Oh, here, just a minute.
Excuse me.
You must be the new bloke from G Division.
Come to help us out.
I beg your pardon?
I say, you must be the new bloke from G Division.
Must I?
Oh, yes.
Yes, that's right.
I've come about the old man.
Old man?
What's old man?
Well, he was brought in here a minute ago.
Oh, he's with the CID.
You'd better wait till they finish with him.
Yeah, well, I've got to get to him.
Well, you'll have to wait, lad.
He'll be out here again soon.
Now, wait over there.
Now, what about my greenhouse?
Oh, yes.
Now, where was it you said?
Well, for a start, it's not in me garden.
I don't think you really understand.
That object in the yard out there isn't really a police box.
No.
No, of course it's not.
It's a new Brighton ferry.
It is a machine for investigating time and relative dimensions in space.
He's a nutter.
He's straight from a funny farm, if you ask me.
Do I take it that you gentlemen are imputing that I am mentally deranged?
Hmm?
I told you.
He's a nutter.
Is he the only bloke in the box?
Well, how should I know?
Well, didn't you check?
There might be a whole army of them in there,
living like gypsies in one of Her Majesty's police telephone boxes.
And just how many people would you expect to come out of one box?
Where have they got to?
Hello, hello.
What are you doing hanging around here on Christmas Day?
Nothing.
Surprised to see a police box here, I suppose.
Oh, you think it's yours?
Well, not mine exactly, but let's say it belongs to us, eh?
So why don't you leave it where it is and just move along, eh?
I've got to fix it.
Fix what?
The scanner eye.
The scanner eye?
Yes.
Oh, you do?
Yes.
Oh, well, we usually get the jokers around here at Christmas time,
but we have to be lenient, so just move along, eh?
I can't.
Oh, yes you can, young lady.
That's enough of joking.
I'm sure you're going to enjoy yourself at that party you're going to,
so why not go down there now?
I'm not going to a party.
Well, whatever you are, go and dress up in them fancy clothes.
You leave now and there won't be no trouble.
I've got to stay here.
Now you take my advice, young lady, and leave now.
Otherwise I might have to run you in for loitering or something like that.
I wouldn't like to have to do that.
I've had a bit of trouble like that already tonight.
You see, we don't like people hanging around,
but at Christmas time we have to be lenient and we don't want to make it too difficult for you.
But...
Oh, very well.
Have a... have a... have a swing in time.
Funny girl.
The idiots.
They've obviously got themselves into some kind of trouble.
Why don't you sit down, lad?
You're making the place look untidy.
Is it all right?
Of course, of course. What are you doing here?
Who are you? Do you know this man?
Yes, I mean I.
He's the extra bloke from G Division, sir.
Yeah, it's all right. I'll look after him.
Well, if you know him, perhaps you can tell us what he's doing in a police box.
A what?
That police box across the yard. He claims to live in it.
Oh, no, just a minute. It'll be all right.
Just a minute.
No, it's all right.
You see, he's a funny fella.
But I know how to handle him. We're used to him down in G Division.
Very well. Well, get him out of here and see he steers clear of that police box.
Right, I'll do that, sir.
Right, put on that old man.
What's the matter with the old man, Ireland? What's all this penny accent?
Everybody else is doing it.
I'll go with you and make sure you can manage.
It's all right, sir.
It's all right.
Hey, you! Hey, you! What are you playing at?
Tarnison, hurry! Yes, yes, yes.
I don't know what it is about that police box.
But first of all, the old bloke comes out of it.
Now I catch this lass climbing about on me.
Please let me go.
It's all right, I know her, too.
You seem to know all the queer people. Well, who is she?
Well, she's a friend of the old man's.
Let me go! Come on, Stephen.
Oh, no!
Hello.
Hello. What's up with you?
Here, here, it's gone.
What?
That telephone box is gone.
Weren't it meant for us?
I found this jacket, so they thought I was one of their group.
When you appeared on the scene, they were completely mystified.
Well, even I, dear boy, must admit that I enjoyed myself.
Did you fix the scanner?
I did, and no help from either of you.
At least it's working. Have you checked it?
Of course not. After that man grabbed me, I didn't have a chance.
Never mind, never mind. Is the terranium safe?
Yes, over there.
Oh, I'd forgotten about the dialects.
Now, there's one thing you mustn't do, my dear.
Remember, they have the same type of machines, and they can follow us.
Yes, but they won't have found out about the switch yet.
No, I sincerely hope not.
Well, while we have the terranium, their plan cannot work.
I don't think the dialects will attack the solar system until they've checked their time destructor.
Then what can we do?
Well, I think we might perhaps be able to destroy the terranium before they catch us up.
I think we've stopped again.
Yes, we might still be on Earth. Wait a minute.
Oh, no, the atmosphere has improved considerably.
Yes, let's have a look at the scanner. It might tell us something.
The doors!
Oh, no!
No! No!
My secret will be safe forever!
No, help me! Somebody help me!
Please, not in here!
No! No!
Help!
What are you doing?
No! No, what are you doing?
Stop! Stop!
Who let these bums in here?
I'm buggered! They ruined my scene!
It's that guy, Demille!
He's trying to sabotage me!
Get those bums out of here!
Hey, you! Come back here!
Did you see those two?
What are you going to do?
Oh, stop! What are you going to do about it?
There's no camera running. Now save it to the nightstand.
Hey, you! Come here!
I want those two back here!
He's great! Bigger than a bear, by any chance?
What do you want, this hat?
Oh, I...
Where's Sarah?
I must have lost her! Where are you?
And then I will come to you on my camel
and sweep you away across the desert!
No, no! Terrible!
Okay, Harry, cut that out at 23.
You've got to give it more feeling.
She's not a sack of potatoes!
No, he is a sack of potatoes.
Where did you find him? On the rubbish dump?
I resent that!
Iggy! Iggy!
Did you see them? Who? Who?
A guy and a gal. They just beat the living daylights out of my camera crew!
It was great!
Perhaps you like your film interrupted, but I do not.
Please do not interrupt me when I am creating!
Mr. Knarf, Mr. Knarf.
Knarf. Ingemar Knarf.
Mr. Knarf. Professor Webster's here, sir.
Ah, good. Send him to me at once. I need him in this next scene.
Yes, sir. You should have seen him.
He was great! Bigger than Fairbanks!
I've got to find a name for him. Something shroub!
Please, look, please, do whatever you like,
but leave me alone. Get off my set.
I'm trying to make a film!
Come on, quick!
I'll take the camera.
Just listen to me.
Listen to me.
If she's one of the Harem,
why is she wearing that ugly, ugly clothes?
Tell her to get them off!
All right, all right.
All right.
No. I must find Sarah.
You think she's still in this place?
I'll try up there first. You wait here.
Oh, there you are! Everybody's waiting!
No, no, I'm not!
I'll have you! Come on!
No! You'll make a terrible mistake!
There you are!
I'm not supposed to...
No, no, please, this is quite ridiculous.
Now leave me alone. I've nothing to do with your plot, please!
Put me down!
I'll never tell you about my outrageous plot plan!
How has he got to...
We need him to do that scene again.
And then I will come to you.
And then I will come to you on my camel,
and I will sweep you away across the desert!
All right, all right.
Professor, Professor, Professor,
Professor Webster isn't here yet,
so please don't exhaust your capabilities.
Now look here, Mr. Knopf.
Knopf. Ingmar Knopf.
Knopf, you can't talk to me like that.
I am an actor.
He is not an actor. You are a cheap pig.
Get lost, frowline!
Did you find your sword?
No, I didn't find my sword.
Well, all right, then.
I spotted it just down here.
Professor Webster!
Where have you been all this time?
We've been waiting for you.
As our expert on Arabian customs,
we need your help.
Certainly, certainly. My help.
Oh, I should be delighted. Yes, I eat, I vow.
Oh, it's very good, Professor.
Doctor, please.
Oh, Doctor.
Now, this is a rich sheik's tent.
Oh, yes? And who is this?
She is an Arabian princess.
Now, since you put some more clothes on, child, go along.
And what's all this?
This is not your sword, Professor.
Keep the jewels.
I am unclothed.
What are you doing in there? Please, get out.
You ought to leave that scene as soon as possible.
Come on, to the wardrobe.
Doctor Webster, where are you going?
Sarah, where have you been?
I don't know.
But a strange man kept telling me to take my clothes off.
Now, come along. We must go back to the taverns.
This is a madhouse. It's all full of Arabs.
Come along.
Sure, baby, sure. I know it was a bit of a shock.
You're trying to get rid of me.
You don't want me as your star anymore.
Of course I do, baby. You're great.
Okay, Charlie, what about those perps?
I don't want those kids for your kind of a picture.
You said you were going to make him bigger than a beer bag.
I suppose you're going to make her bigger than a beer bag.
No, Charlie, I mean props.
No, honey, no. She's not that kind of a girl.
You're the one I'm going to make greater than I know.
You're going to take one more take, huh? Please?
All right. This will be the last time.
Sure, sure.
All right, everybody, set up for a take.
Make up!
Stop! Stop those two!
Hey, you two, come back here!
Stop those two!
No! No, no, no, no!
I never touched you!
Come on, Sarah! Stop those two!
Come on! Stop those two!
Stop those two!
Come back, you two!
Typical. When you're new around here, they chase you, but after a while, you're out.
What's that?
All the time they want something new. New jokes, there aren't any.
Are there? Well, that's a joke in itself.
What are those two doing? Get them out of here! And will you please tell that girl to get changed?
Yeah, yeah, Mr.
The custard pies have been done by Chaplin, so I'm not allowed to.
Quite, quite. Now, would you mind moving?
I'm an order. Done by Chaplin. Banana skins, all done by Chaplin.
Now, we'll start in close-up, see, and then we'll dolly back down along here.
Hey, where's Webster?
What?
Webster. Which way did they go?
What are you up to? Please, where's Webster?
They came through here. Where did they go?
Two fools rushed over there somewhere.
Where's Webster?
Yeah, where's Webster?
They won't even let me do the wallpaper and paste routine. You know why?
Done by Chaplin?
Now, would you excuse me, but I've got...
I'll tell you something. That little Englishman has done everything.
I think I'll give it up and take the singing.
Yes.
But who needs a singer with a name like Bing Crosby?
Custard pies and Bing Crosby.
Fuck! Fuck!
Oh, my goodness, the lights!
Go inside!
Get out of there!
Steinberger, just when are we going to do my scene, huh?
What a great trick!
He just disappeared!
Where's Webster?
I'm worried, you nits!
He's not coming back!
How's he done?
Webster!
Come back!
Come back, Webster! Come back!
Excuse me!
What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy?
I'm Professor Webster!
Who, you?
Yes, Professor Webster.
Darling!
Where ever was that place?
I've no idea, but I'm glad we got away.
What were they doing?
Your guess is as good as mine. Let's hope we never land there again.
Here we are.
What's this?
We so rarely get a chance to celebrate, but this time we must.
Celebrate?
Yes.
It's Christmas.
Don't you remember? The police station? Christmas?
So it was, yes.
Here's a toast. A happy Christmas to all of us.
So do you, Doctor.
Incidentally, a happy Christmas to all of you at home.
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