1
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[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness.
If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]

2
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[Unknown song that no one cares about]
[it's called grieg peer gynt suite no. 1 op. 46 ]

3
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[Hawk dying]

4
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[Even more of the unknown song that no one cares about]
[use Shazam for Kai sake]

5
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{Kaplow! Goku, what did you do this time?}

6
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[random chicken squealing]

7
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FARMER: Oh God no, muh marijuana patch! (the first abridged joke. revel in the quality)

8
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Ah-ah-ah mean, er...

9
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Ah-ah, ah mean, er... mah... carrot patch! 
(It was at that moment, the farmer knew, he fucked up)

10
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Ah-ah, ah mean, er... mah... carrot patch! Yeyuh... 
(Epic save)

11
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'I better do what any sensible middle American would do in this situation...'

12
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'GET MAH GUN!' 
[Must be a Teacher (been a rough political season)]

13
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SPACE POD: Hello, and welcome to Earth!

14
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With open bar.

15
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FARMER: Holy crap, it's Sonic the Hedgeh--! 
(Meanwhile Raditz is too busy making  a more dramatic entrance than the Power Rangers)

16
00:00:47,220 --> 00:00:49,400
Er- no! I-it's an alien! (good guess)

17
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HOLY SH*T, IT'S AN ALIEN!
(GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER!)

18
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RADITZ: Finally, on this DEAD PLAN--

19
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RADITZ: Finally, on this DEAD PLAN-- w-wait, what the crap? 
(Realization sets in that Raditz has a sh*t brother)

20
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Did Kakarot screw this up?! 
(The real question is how would he NOT screw this up]

21
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Oh goddammit, I knew we should have sent Turles. 
(Oh shit, Raditz just broke the canon! Turles is Goku Black confirmed???!)

22
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FARMER: 'Better think of something cool to say to make him stop.'

23
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HEY, YOU!
[cool as ice bro]

24
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'Heh. Genius, farmer. *Genius*!' 
(I'd rate that threat a six out of ten by facial expressions alone)

25
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RADITZ: Aw, look at him! He thinks he's people!
(Wait until you meet your brother...)

26
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What's your power level, little human? 
(Over 0.000009)
[You mean 0.0000000000000001?]

27
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Five, huh? (Ain't that quite a lot for a puny human?)

28
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FARMER: PROTECT ME, GUN! 
(It's a shotgun yet it shoots like a pistol)

29
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RADITZ: Hey! No! Bad human!
(So, Raditz catches bullets, but Krillin can get hurt by only ONE bullet in DBS?)

30
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RADITZ: Hey! No! Bad human!
(So, Raditz catches bullets, but Krillin can get hurt by only ONE bullet in DBS?)
[also did that SHOTGUN seriously just shoot a PISTOL BULLET?]

31
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FARMER: GAH! But I voted for Bush! 
{Bush did Nappa and Vegeta}
[It was at this moment that Carl knew...he F*cked up]

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RADITZ: Bad. 
(Raditz is officially on Santa's naughty list)

33
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Now get back up and tell me you're sorry.
(This poor farmer is actually the first death of the series and was never even wished back. HA!)

34
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Human? (dead af)

35
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Huuuuman? (His gun failed to protect him, poor farmer)
[Forget it, he is DEAD]

36
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(Sigh)... so this is why Dad said I couldn't keep Appule. [because even a saiyan's pet would be stronger than Raditz] {ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh}

37
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[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" (original DBZ theme) ♫]

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♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫

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♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫
(With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)

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♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫
(Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)

41
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♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
(WEEEEB)

42
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PICCOLO: Good old wasteland! 
(Yup, where your only friends here are grass, rock, and the dust that's always in your eyes!)

43
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Yup. Sure is some kickass training! 
(Napping you mean?)

44
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Damn it, I'm lonely...
(Well at least you aren't having a bottle solve your problems)

45
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Damn it, I'm lonely... might as well check MySpace... 
(Well this dates the video by a decade...)

46
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Damn it, I'm lonely... might as well check MySpace...
no new comments...

47
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Damn it, I'm lonely... might as well check MySpace...
no new comments... no friend requests... 
[Just another day on Myspace.]

48
00:02:12,780 --> 00:02:13,800
Damn it, I'm lonely... might as well check MySpace...
no new comments... no friend requests... damn it.    [Just another day on Myspace.]

49
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Well, at least I have you, Tom.
You're always there for me. 
{Wait until the end of the episode}

50
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RADITZ [off-screen]: Hey! You!
[generic surprise/suspense sting sound thingy]

51
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PICCOLO: What the hell?
(Piccolo be like "Raditz you came too early dammit")

52
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RADITZ [o-s]: Are you Kakarot? Seriously, if you are, stay still! 
(Raditz is really shit at seduction)

53
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I need to talk to you about killing and selling this planet! It's really important! 
(Raditz, leave the slaughtering of thousands to Kid Buu, thanks) [You mean Cell?] {You mean Thanos? wait...} (Killing planets is more of a Galactus thing though...)

54
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Oh. Wait a second. You're not Kakarot. My bad!
(no wonder Vegeta thinks you're worthless...) (i know he used his scouter but he should be able to see him from like a mile away)

55
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PICCOLO: I've got green skin, pointy ears, and a turban.

56
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Oh yeah, I must look like *so* many other people. 
(Yeah! You tell 'em Yoshi!)

57
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RADITZ: Oh, a smartass huh?
 I don't appreciate smartasses!
(Is it because you are one?)

58
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Prepare yourself for my signature attack! (oh this is going to be epic!)

59
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DOUBLE SUN--!
(make mine a triple goober berry sunrise)

60
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???: No.
<STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM>

61
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RADITZ: Eh, huh?
<STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM>

62
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VEGETA3986: Give me the mic!

63
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LANIPATOR: What? N-no! Come on, man!
(Lani, blow the whistle!)

64
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VEGETA3986: Give me the mic!
(Oh right, this guy took that whistle)

65
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LANIPATOR: But that's the real attack na--
(Ladies, ladies. Shut up, you both are hideous)

66
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VEGETA3986: No, it isn't!

67
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LANIPATOR: Fine. Here. Take it.

68
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I'll just go practice my Vegeta. (yeah you better)

69
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*Ass*.
(Hole)

70
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RADITZ: Then prepare youself for my signature attack.
(Ok I'll brace myself Bane)

71
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Keep your eye ON THE BIR--!

72
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[Scouter beeps]

73
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:09,880
Ooh! A higher power level.

74
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PICCOLO [o-s]: Hey! What the hell?
Weren't you going to kill me?
(me_irl)

75
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RADITZ: Ah... there we go!

76
00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:18,220
Considering the average set by this one green guy
and that farmer,

77
00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:20,340
the chances of this being Kakarot are--
(If my calculations are correct, I'm a dumbass)

78
00:03:20,340 --> 00:03:22,260
...d'ah, screw it I'll just go and check.
(Thought so)

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PICCOLO: Fine! Go ahead! I didn't want your company anyway.
{me_irl}

80
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Right, Tom?
(♫ I'm so lonely! I'm so lonely! ♫)

81
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[Bulma's ship radio is playing "Girls Just Want to Have Fun", Classy.]

82
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BULMA: Hey, I'm here!

83
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KRILLIN: BOOBS! I mean, Bulma!
(Thirsty AF) <With a turtle and an old man for company? I'd have that reaction too.>

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Hi. 
(awkward...)

85
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BOOBS: Oooooookkkaayyyy...
(Sigh, just take the compliment)

86
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Er- i mean BULMA: Oooooookkkaayyyy...
(Sigh, just take the compliment)

87
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BULMA: Oooooookkkaayyyy...
(Sigh, just take the compliment)

88
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how's it going?
[that coat is way too big. it looks like the coat some kids stacked on top of each other would wear to get into to an R-rated movie]

89
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ROSHI: I'm drinking OJ!
(Good for you!)

90
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{DING}

91
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Now it's apple juice!
(Wait what)
[Damn you, lossy compression!]

92
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{DING}
(Witchcraft!)

93
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Now it's beer!
(Is Master Roshi always drunk?)
[yes]

94
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Now it's beer! Yay, beer!
(Is Master Roshi always drunk?) [Probably, that or high.]

95
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{GULP GULP GULP GULP GULP}

96
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KRILLIN: So, where's Yamcha?
(DEAD)

97
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BULMA: I think the bastard's cheating on me!
(hahahaha, oh you're serious let me laugh even harder)(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) [Not surprised, who would be?]

98
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KRILLIN: Why do you say that?

99
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[Flashback]
YAMCHA: BULMA! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOK LI--

100
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,200
oh OK, it's totally what it looks like.
(Is he cheating on Bulma for PUAR???!)

101
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Can I still live here? Please?
Before this, I was living in the desert.
(Piccolo could take him in)

102
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Oh, and have you changed Puar's litter box yet?

103
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PUAR: I make boom-boom!
(Puar is suspect as fuck)

104
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[Flashback ends]

105
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KRILLIN: Oh, are you serious? Yamcha?
Oh, that is so out of char--

106
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so, you're single then?
[Not for another season or two]

107
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[Nimbus flying]

108
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:19,720
GOKU: Hey, guys! (i have a feeling this isnt going to go good)

109
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BULMA: Goku!
KRILLIN: TAIL-- uh, wait, what?

110
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GOKU: Ha ha ha ha!

111
00:04:22,940 --> 00:04:27,440
BULMA: Uh, Goku, I can't help but notice that five-year-old you're carrying.
(How the fuck did you know it was a five year old?)

112
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,720
KRILLIN: Goku, just because we picked you up in the middle of the woods when you were a kid

113
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doesn't mean you can go around stealing children!

114
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GOKU: Uh, OK...

115
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GOKU: Uh, OK... this is actually my son.

116
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[Dramatic sting]
<u fkn wot m80?>

117
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M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: What a twist!

118
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BULMA: Oh, wow! I guess this means you finally... you know...
(Popped the cherry?)

119
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GOKU: Know what?
[If its not about eating or fighting, Goku doesn't knows it]

120
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*Roshi slidin' into Goku's DMs*

121
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ROSHI: You know...
(Polish the rock)

122
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ROSHI: You know... "bow-chicka-wow-wow"!
(Translation: Put your train through Chichi's tunnel)

123
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GOKU: What're those noises you're makin'?
(Don't mind him, he's on a pill and a

124
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half of Adderall) {Goku stupid counter:1}

125
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{Goku stupid counter:1}

126
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ROSHI [terrified]: 'Oh my *God*, he's a parent!'
BULMA [terrified]: 'Oh my *God*, he's a parent!'
(Call child services before it's too late!)

127
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KRILLIN: So when's the little guy gonna start training?

128
00:04:56,160 --> 00:05:00,760
GOKU: Actually, Chi-Chi is making him study.
She wants him to grow up and be...(a nerd)
(Productive with his life?)

129
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what's it called?
(NERRRRRRRD!)

130
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KRILLIN: A productive and responsible member of society?

131
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GOKU: Yeah, lame! That's it! {Goku stupid counter:2} [he's not wrong]

132
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Hey son, come here! Stop playing with the turtle!
We don't need people saying things...
(Too late)

133
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,000
BULMA: Hey, is that a Dragon Ball on his head?

134
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Doesn't that sort of make him a target for villains who might want them? (Bulma smart counter:1)

135
00:05:17,020 --> 00:05:21,000
GOKU: Aw, come on! I beat Piccolo.
I'm strong enough to beat anyone who--

136
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,040
HOLY BLACK ON A POPO, WHAT IS *THAT*!? 
(I am now triggered.)

137
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,180
ROSHI: What's wrong?
(Chichi popped her cherry?)

138
00:05:25,180 --> 00:05:27,660
GOKU: I just felt a power level bigger than...

139
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:28,700
GOKU: I just felt a power level bigger than... than...

140
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,220
GOKU: I just felt a power level bigger than... than... Krillin's losing streak!
(SHIT ON HIM) (right now that isnt that high)

141
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[Dramatic sting]

142
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,480
KRILLIN [o-s]: You know, you guys are the reason I go to therapy. [Hard to believe therapy is actually canon in DBZ]

143
00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:36,960
GOKU: 'He's... getting closer...' (run for your lives!! he is stronger than goku!!!)

144
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:37,940
[Dramatic sting]

145
00:05:37,940 --> 00:05:40,160
KRILLIN: Shouldn't we grab Gohan and put him insi--
(Krillin, this is Goku we're talking about! He doesn't make the wisest decisions)

146
00:05:40,780 --> 00:05:41,920
Oh son of a--

147
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,380
RADITZ: It took me a while to get here but I finally found you... Kakarot. (who?)

148
00:05:43,380 --> 00:05:43,920
[Goku gasps]
RADITZ: It took me a while to get here but I finally found you... Kakarot. (who?)

149
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,220
RADITZ: It took me a while to get here but I finally found you... Kakarot.
(I like carrots) ( srsly who is kakarot)

150
00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:46,820
GOKU: What?
(When Batman found out his parents died)

151
00:05:46,820 --> 00:05:48,840
RADITZ: That's right. That's your name.
(No his name is Kal-El, duh!)

152
00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:49,960
KAKAROT: What?
(This is Hitler when he realized his men were all dead)

153
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,820
RADITZ: The name you were given before we sent you to this planet. (you mean e-arth)

154
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:54,180
KAKAROT/GOKU: What?
(When Krillin found out Bulma was single)

155
00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:57,180
RADITZ: You... hit your head as a child didn't you?
(Right on the nose)

156
00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:58,640
{THWACK}

157
00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:00,200
GOKU: ...Nani?
(When Lewis and Clark realize the world is round)

158
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,200
RADITZ: Oh for God's sakes, listen!
(The fuck's a god?) [Oh, you mean Kami!] (what?)

159
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You were sent here as a child to take over the planet,

160
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:08,600
you're part of a dead race of intergalactic super warriors called the "Saiyans",
(Thanks for summing up that shitty Bardock special)

161
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and to top off this expositional onslaught...

162
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I...

163
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I... am your BROTHER!
(NO HE DIDN'T!) {YES HE DID!}

164
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:14,760
{DUN}

165
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:15,800
{DUN DUN}

166
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{DUN DUN DUN}

167
00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:17,860
{DUN DUN DUN DUN}

168
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{DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN}
(Hermit no!)

169
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:20,800
KRILLIN: So, you're his brother huh?

170
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,700
Wow, that must mean you'll be involved in a lot of future events, right?

171
00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:24,440
(Funny joke bro)  (Krillin why do you do this?)

172
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...Right?
(Tail slap commencing in 3...2...1...)

173
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{SMACK}
KRILLIN: WAH-AH-AH-AH-AH! (boom bitch get out the way)

174
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GUH-hah!

175
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:29,920
[K.O.C ding]
<IT BEGINS.>

176
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:31,860
What did I say...?
(What didn't you say)

177
00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:33,400
GOKU: Hey, stop hitting Krillin!
(Yeah! Wait your turn like everyone else!)

178
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:34,540
RADITZ: Why?
[good question]

179
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GOKU: Because you're breaking Kame House!

180
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,200
KRILLIN [o-s]: Yeah... stop breaking Kame House...
(You mean the place that's only good till the Android Saga?)

181
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GOKU: So, what're you here for?

182
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The Dragon *Balls*?

183
00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:44,420
RADITZ: The...

184
00:06:44,420 --> 00:06:45,680
RADITZ: The... the Dragon's *what*?
 (No no no don't explain DON'T EXPLAIN)

185
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,380
GOKU: The Dragon Balls, you know? (Goddammit Goku)

186
00:06:47,380 --> 00:06:51,760
There are seven of them, they grant you any wish you want... like immortality?
(Goddammit Goku)
{Goku stupid counter:3}

187
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,280
Random Perv: Or Bulma's panties...

188
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,280
BROCK LESNER: Vegeta, did you hear that?

189
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,840
TAYLOR SWIFT: Oh yeah, we're totally going to Earth to get our wish!
(Red hair isn't in style anymore)

190
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,600
PEEPING TOM: Yeah, we're gonna get panties!

191
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:02,360
I mean immortality.
(Sure you do)

192
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:04,260
Immortality's what I meant.

193
00:07:04,260 --> 00:07:05,200
Right, Vegeta?

194
00:07:05,780 --> 00:07:07,420
TAYLOR SWIFT: Just get in the damn pod!

195
00:07:08,540 --> 00:07:12,280
RADITZ: No, I'm here for *you*, Kakarot.
[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

196
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,880
GOKU: So, what are we going to do?
See a ball game? Catch a movie?
(3 Earthling 5 Me)

197
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:23,240
RADITZ: We're going to kill everyone on the planet and then sell it for profit to an alien overlord who may or may not have destroyed our own planet.
(CAPITALISM HO!)

198
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:30,240
GOKU: Oh. Well, uh... I sorta like people here, so with all due respect--
(Goku, silly goose, you don't even KNOW what respect is)

199
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:30,960
[Knee to the stomach]

200
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,380
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhHHHHHHHHHHH--
(Anti-climatic fight is anti-climatic)

201
00:07:33,380 --> 00:07:34,800
{SLAM}

202
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:35,700
GOHAN: Daddy! [( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

203
00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:36,980
RADITZ: I'll be taking *this*.
(Gohan! Blow the whistle!)

204
00:07:36,980 --> 00:07:37,720
Yoink!
(Why does no one in this show have a whistle!)

205
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,560
GOKU: Quick! Somebody stop him!
(Goku, you're the father, do it yourself you lax bitch)

206
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,260
[Crickets chirping]

207
00:07:44,260 --> 00:07:45,400
Dammit, Krillin! [Dammit, Krillin!]

208
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:48,600
KRILLIN: Hey, I was bitch slapped through a house! What's your excuse?!
(You tell 'em!)

209
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,740
GOKU: I was kneed in the *stomach*! 
[Oh come on, you can survive a blast that disintegrates people.]

210
00:07:50,740 --> 00:07:52,380
[Krillin gasps]
STALKER [o-s]: You guys are pathetic!

211
00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:53,960
[Goku and Bulma gasp]
[Dramatic sting (yes, another one)]

212
00:07:54,580 --> 00:07:55,120
What?

213
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,320
MORTY: Aw, geez...!

214
00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:02,260
Hey look, I know you totally want to kill me and all, but... today's kind of a bad day.
(Bad thing to say to your stalker)

215
00:08:02,260 --> 00:08:03,740
* My brother just showed up

216
00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:05,020
* My brother just showed up
* Turns out I'm an alien

217
00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:06,240
* My brother just showed up
* Turns out I'm an alien
* He stole my kid
(Sounds like the Kardashian's daily lives)

218
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,140
STALKER: Oh yeah, I was watching that, that was *priceless*!

219
00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:10,080
HUHUHAHA
(Damn sicko)

220
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:10,960
HUHUHAHA, AHAHA,

221
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,900
HUHUHAHA, AHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,

222
00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:13,460
HUHUHAHA, AHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AH,

223
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:14,100
HUHUHAHA, AHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AH, AHA,

224
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:14,600
HUHUHAHA, AHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AH, AHA, UH--

225
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,260
sorry for your loss.
(Damn straight you are) (and this is why you dont have any friends)

226
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,780
GOKU: Yeah, anyway... wanna help me get him back?
(Another bad thing to tell your stalker)

227
00:08:19,780 --> 00:08:21,680
PICCOLO: Whhhhhyyyyyy?

228
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,400
GOKU: I'll friend you on MySpace...
(DATED REFERENCES!)

229
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,440
STALKER: 'Tom, you've been replaced!'
(RIP Trolly the Train)

230
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:28,480
{BOING}

231
00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:29,460
{BOING}

232
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:30,620
{BOING}

233
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,240
{BOIOIOIOIOIOINNG}

234
00:08:33,060 --> 00:08:35,200
ROSHI: Now, it's a Nestle Crunch bar!
(Roshi stop it)

235
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:35,700
{DING}

236
00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:37,200
Now, it's a gummy bear!
(STOP!)

237
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:37,700
{DING}

238
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:38,940
Now, it's Nappa!
(That does it I'm calling the Inquisition!)

239
00:08:38,940 --> 00:08:40,400
NAPPA: Wait-- what the hell?!
(MASTER ROSHI SUSPECT AS HELL!)