[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness. If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]
[Unknown song that no one cares about] [it's called grieg peer gynt suite no. 1 op. 46 ]
[Hawk dying]
[Even more of the unknown song that no one cares about] [use Shazam for Kai sake]
{Kaplow! Goku, what did you do this time?}
[random chicken squealing]
FARMER: Oh God no, muh marijuana patch! (the first abridged joke. revel in the quality)
Ah-ah-ah mean, er...
Ah-ah, ah mean, er... mah... carrot patch! (It was at that moment, the farmer knew, he fucked up)
Ah-ah, ah mean, er... mah... carrot patch! Yeyuh... (Epic save)
'I better do what any sensible middle American would do in this situation...'
'GET MAH GUN!' [Must be a Teacher (been a rough political season)]
SPACE POD: Hello, and welcome to Earth!
With open bar.
FARMER: Holy crap, it's Sonic the Hedgeh--! (Meanwhile Raditz is too busy making a more dramatic entrance than the Power Rangers)
Er- no! I-it's an alien! (good guess)
HOLY SH*T, IT'S AN ALIEN! (GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER!)
RADITZ: Finally, on this DEAD PLAN--
RADITZ: Finally, on this DEAD PLAN-- w-wait, what the crap? (Realization sets in that Raditz has a sh*t brother)
Did Kakarot screw this up?! (The real question is how would he NOT screw this up]
Oh goddammit, I knew we should have sent Turles. (Oh shit, Raditz just broke the canon! Turles is Goku Black confirmed???!)
FARMER: 'Better think of something cool to say to make him stop.'
HEY, YOU! [cool as ice bro]
'Heh. Genius, farmer. *Genius*!' (I'd rate that threat a six out of ten by facial expressions alone)
RADITZ: Aw, look at him! He thinks he's people! (Wait until you meet your brother...)
What's your power level, little human? (Over 0.000009) [You mean 0.0000000000000001?]
Five, huh? (Ain't that quite a lot for a puny human?)
FARMER: PROTECT ME, GUN! (It's a shotgun yet it shoots like a pistol)
RADITZ: Hey! No! Bad human! (So, Raditz catches bullets, but Krillin can get hurt by only ONE bullet in DBS?)
[also did that SHOTGUN seriously just shoot a PISTOL BULLET?]
FARMER: GAH! But I voted for Bush! {Bush did Nappa and Vegeta} [It was at this moment that Carl knew...he F*cked up]
RADITZ: Bad. (Raditz is officially on Santa's naughty list)
Now get back up and tell me you're sorry. (This poor farmer is actually the first death of the series and was never even wished back. HA!)
Human? (dead af)
Huuuuman? (His gun failed to protect him, poor farmer) [Forget it, he is DEAD]
(Sigh)... so this is why Dad said I couldn't keep Appule. [because even a saiyan's pet would be stronger than Raditz] {ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh}
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" (original DBZ theme) ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫ (WEEEEB)
PICCOLO: Good old wasteland! (Yup, where your only friends here are grass, rock, and the dust that's always in your eyes!)
Yup. Sure is some kickass training! (Napping you mean?)
Damn it, I'm lonely... (Well at least you aren't having a bottle solve your problems)
Damn it, I'm lonely... might as well check MySpace... (Well this dates the video by a decade...)
Damn it, I'm lonely... might as well check MySpace... no new comments...
Damn it, I'm lonely... might as well check MySpace... no new comments... no friend requests... [Just another day on Myspace.]
Damn it, I'm lonely... might as well check MySpace... no new comments... no friend requests... damn it. [Just another day on Myspace.]
Well, at least I have you, Tom. You're always there for me. {Wait until the end of the episode}
RADITZ [off-screen]: Hey! You! [generic surprise/suspense sting sound thingy]
PICCOLO: What the hell? (Piccolo be like "Raditz you came too early dammit")
RADITZ [o-s]: Are you Kakarot? Seriously, if you are, stay still! (Raditz is really shit at seduction)
I need to talk to you about killing and selling this planet! It's really important! (Raditz, leave the slaughtering of thousands to Kid Buu, thanks) [You mean Cell?] {You mean Thanos? wait...} (Killing planets is more of a Galactus thing though...)
Oh. Wait a second. You're not Kakarot. My bad! (no wonder Vegeta thinks you're worthless...) (i know he used his scouter but he should be able to see him from like a mile away)
PICCOLO: I've got green skin, pointy ears, and a turban.
Oh yeah, I must look like *so* many other people. (Yeah! You tell 'em Yoshi!)
RADITZ: Oh, a smartass huh? I don't appreciate smartasses! (Is it because you are one?)
Prepare yourself for my signature attack! (oh this is going to be epic!)
DOUBLE SUN--! (make mine a triple goober berry sunrise)
???: No. <STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM>
RADITZ: Eh, huh? <STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM>
VEGETA3986: Give me the mic!
LANIPATOR: What? N-no! Come on, man! (Lani, blow the whistle!)
VEGETA3986: Give me the mic! (Oh right, this guy took that whistle)
LANIPATOR: But that's the real attack na-- (Ladies, ladies. Shut up, you both are hideous)
VEGETA3986: No, it isn't!
LANIPATOR: Fine. Here. Take it.
I'll just go practice my Vegeta. (yeah you better)
*Ass*. (Hole)
RADITZ: Then prepare youself for my signature attack. (Ok I'll brace myself Bane)
Keep your eye ON THE BIR--!
[Scouter beeps]
Ooh! A higher power level.
PICCOLO [o-s]: Hey! What the hell? Weren't you going to kill me? (me_irl)
RADITZ: Ah... there we go!
Considering the average set by this one green guy and that farmer,
the chances of this being Kakarot are-- (If my calculations are correct, I'm a dumbass)
...d'ah, screw it I'll just go and check. (Thought so)
PICCOLO: Fine! Go ahead! I didn't want your company anyway. {me_irl}
Right, Tom? (♫ I'm so lonely! I'm so lonely! ♫)
[Bulma's ship radio is playing "Girls Just Want to Have Fun", Classy.]
BULMA: Hey, I'm here!
KRILLIN: BOOBS! I mean, Bulma! (Thirsty AF) <With a turtle and an old man for company? I'd have that reaction too.>
Hi. (awkward...)
BOOBS: Oooooookkkaayyyy... (Sigh, just take the compliment)
Er- i mean BULMA: Oooooookkkaayyyy... (Sigh, just take the compliment)
BULMA: Oooooookkkaayyyy... (Sigh, just take the compliment)
how's it going? [that coat is way too big. it looks like the coat some kids stacked on top of each other would wear to get into to an R-rated movie]
ROSHI: I'm drinking OJ! (Good for you!)
{DING}
Now it's apple juice! (Wait what) [Damn you, lossy compression!]
{DING} (Witchcraft!)
Now it's beer! (Is Master Roshi always drunk?) [yes]
Now it's beer! Yay, beer! (Is Master Roshi always drunk?) [Probably, that or high.]
{GULP GULP GULP GULP GULP}
KRILLIN: So, where's Yamcha? (DEAD)
BULMA: I think the bastard's cheating on me! (hahahaha, oh you're serious let me laugh even harder)(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) [Not surprised, who would be?]
KRILLIN: Why do you say that?
[Flashback] YAMCHA: BULMA! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOK LI--
oh OK, it's totally what it looks like. (Is he cheating on Bulma for PUAR???!)
Can I still live here? Please? Before this, I was living in the desert. (Piccolo could take him in)
Oh, and have you changed Puar's litter box yet?
PUAR: I make boom-boom! (Puar is suspect as fuck)
[Flashback ends]
KRILLIN: Oh, are you serious? Yamcha? Oh, that is so out of char--
so, you're single then? [Not for another season or two]
[Nimbus flying]
GOKU: Hey, guys! (i have a feeling this isnt going to go good)
BULMA: Goku! KRILLIN: TAIL-- uh, wait, what?
GOKU: Ha ha ha ha!
BULMA: Uh, Goku, I can't help but notice that five-year-old you're carrying. (How the fuck did you know it was a five year old?)
KRILLIN: Goku, just because we picked you up in the middle of the woods when you were a kid
doesn't mean you can go around stealing children!
GOKU: Uh, OK...
GOKU: Uh, OK... this is actually my son.
[Dramatic sting] <u fkn wot m80?>
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: What a twist!
BULMA: Oh, wow! I guess this means you finally... you know... (Popped the cherry?)
GOKU: Know what? [If its not about eating or fighting, Goku doesn't knows it]
*Roshi slidin' into Goku's DMs*
ROSHI: You know... (Polish the rock)
ROSHI: You know... "bow-chicka-wow-wow"! (Translation: Put your train through Chichi's tunnel)
GOKU: What're those noises you're makin'? (Don't mind him, he's on a pill and a
half of Adderall) {Goku stupid counter:1}
{Goku stupid counter:1}
ROSHI [terrified]: 'Oh my *God*, he's a parent!' BULMA [terrified]: 'Oh my *God*, he's a parent!' (Call child services before it's too late!)
KRILLIN: So when's the little guy gonna start training?
GOKU: Actually, Chi-Chi is making him study. She wants him to grow up and be...(a nerd) (Productive with his life?)
what's it called? (NERRRRRRRD!)
KRILLIN: A productive and responsible member of society?
GOKU: Yeah, lame! That's it! {Goku stupid counter:2} [he's not wrong]
Hey son, come here! Stop playing with the turtle! We don't need people saying things... (Too late)
BULMA: Hey, is that a Dragon Ball on his head?
Doesn't that sort of make him a target for villains who might want them? (Bulma smart counter:1)
GOKU: Aw, come on! I beat Piccolo. I'm strong enough to beat anyone who--
HOLY BLACK ON A POPO, WHAT IS *THAT*!? (I am now triggered.)
ROSHI: What's wrong? (Chichi popped her cherry?)
GOKU: I just felt a power level bigger than...
GOKU: I just felt a power level bigger than... than...
GOKU: I just felt a power level bigger than... than... Krillin's losing streak! (SHIT ON HIM) (right now that isnt that high)
[Dramatic sting]
KRILLIN [o-s]: You know, you guys are the reason I go to therapy. [Hard to believe therapy is actually canon in DBZ]
GOKU: 'He's... getting closer...' (run for your lives!! he is stronger than goku!!!)
[Dramatic sting]
KRILLIN: Shouldn't we grab Gohan and put him insi-- (Krillin, this is Goku we're talking about! He doesn't make the wisest decisions)
Oh son of a--
RADITZ: It took me a while to get here but I finally found you... Kakarot. (who?)
[Goku gasps] RADITZ: It took me a while to get here but I finally found you... Kakarot. (who?)
RADITZ: It took me a while to get here but I finally found you... Kakarot. (I like carrots) ( srsly who is kakarot)
GOKU: What? (When Batman found out his parents died)
RADITZ: That's right. That's your name. (No his name is Kal-El, duh!)
KAKAROT: What? (This is Hitler when he realized his men were all dead)
RADITZ: The name you were given before we sent you to this planet. (you mean e-arth)
KAKAROT/GOKU: What? (When Krillin found out Bulma was single)
RADITZ: You... hit your head as a child didn't you? (Right on the nose)
{THWACK}
GOKU: ...Nani? (When Lewis and Clark realize the world is round)
RADITZ: Oh for God's sakes, listen! (The fuck's a god?) [Oh, you mean Kami!] (what?)
You were sent here as a child to take over the planet,
you're part of a dead race of intergalactic super warriors called the "Saiyans", (Thanks for summing up that shitty Bardock special)
and to top off this expositional onslaught...
I...
I... am your BROTHER! (NO HE DIDN'T!) {YES HE DID!}
{DUN}
{DUN DUN}
{DUN DUN DUN}
{DUN DUN DUN DUN}
{DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN} (Hermit no!)
KRILLIN: So, you're his brother huh?
Wow, that must mean you'll be involved in a lot of future events, right?
(Funny joke bro) (Krillin why do you do this?)
...Right? (Tail slap commencing in 3...2...1...)
{SMACK} KRILLIN: WAH-AH-AH-AH-AH! (boom bitch get out the way)
GUH-hah!
[K.O.C ding] <IT BEGINS.>
What did I say...? (What didn't you say)
GOKU: Hey, stop hitting Krillin! (Yeah! Wait your turn like everyone else!)
RADITZ: Why? [good question]
GOKU: Because you're breaking Kame House!
KRILLIN [o-s]: Yeah... stop breaking Kame House... (You mean the place that's only good till the Android Saga?)
GOKU: So, what're you here for?
The Dragon *Balls*?
RADITZ: The...
RADITZ: The... the Dragon's *what*? (No no no don't explain DON'T EXPLAIN)
GOKU: The Dragon Balls, you know? (Goddammit Goku)
There are seven of them, they grant you any wish you want... like immortality? (Goddammit Goku) {Goku stupid counter:3}
Random Perv: Or Bulma's panties...
BROCK LESNER: Vegeta, did you hear that?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Oh yeah, we're totally going to Earth to get our wish! (Red hair isn't in style anymore)
PEEPING TOM: Yeah, we're gonna get panties!
I mean immortality. (Sure you do)
Immortality's what I meant.
Right, Vegeta?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Just get in the damn pod!
RADITZ: No, I'm here for *you*, Kakarot. [( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]
GOKU: So, what are we going to do? See a ball game? Catch a movie? (3 Earthling 5 Me)
RADITZ: We're going to kill everyone on the planet and then sell it for profit to an alien overlord who may or may not have destroyed our own planet. (CAPITALISM HO!)
GOKU: Oh. Well, uh... I sorta like people here, so with all due respect-- (Goku, silly goose, you don't even KNOW what respect is)
[Knee to the stomach]
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhHHHHHHHHHHH-- (Anti-climatic fight is anti-climatic)
{SLAM}
GOHAN: Daddy! [( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]
RADITZ: I'll be taking *this*. (Gohan! Blow the whistle!)
Yoink! (Why does no one in this show have a whistle!)
GOKU: Quick! Somebody stop him! (Goku, you're the father, do it yourself you lax bitch)
[Crickets chirping]
Dammit, Krillin! [Dammit, Krillin!]
KRILLIN: Hey, I was bitch slapped through a house! What's your excuse?! (You tell 'em!)
GOKU: I was kneed in the *stomach*! [Oh come on, you can survive a blast that disintegrates people.]
[Krillin gasps] STALKER [o-s]: You guys are pathetic!
[Goku and Bulma gasp] [Dramatic sting (yes, another one)]
What?
MORTY: Aw, geez...!
Hey look, I know you totally want to kill me and all, but... today's kind of a bad day. (Bad thing to say to your stalker)
* My brother just showed up
* Turns out I'm an alien
* He stole my kid (Sounds like the Kardashian's daily lives)
STALKER: Oh yeah, I was watching that, that was *priceless*!
HUHUHAHA (Damn sicko)
HUHUHAHA, AHAHA,
HUHUHAHA, AHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,
HUHUHAHA, AHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AH,
HUHUHAHA, AHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AH, AHA,
HUHUHAHA, AHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AH, AHA, UH--
sorry for your loss. (Damn straight you are) (and this is why you dont have any friends)
GOKU: Yeah, anyway... wanna help me get him back? (Another bad thing to tell your stalker)
PICCOLO: Whhhhhyyyyyy?
GOKU: I'll friend you on MySpace... (DATED REFERENCES!)
STALKER: 'Tom, you've been replaced!' (RIP Trolly the Train)
{BOING}
{BOIOIOIOIOIOINNG}
ROSHI: Now, it's a Nestle Crunch bar! (Roshi stop it)
{DING}
Now, it's a gummy bear! (STOP!)
{DING}
Now, it's Nappa! (That does it I'm calling the Inquisition!)
NAPPA: Wait-- what the hell?! (MASTER ROSHI SUSPECT AS HELL!)