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[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness.
If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]

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KRILLIN: Um, Mr. Popo?

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Are you sure this will make us stron--?

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MR. POPO: ♪Pecking order♫

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KRILLIN: Sorry.

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MR. POPO: Damn right you are.
Now - stand in this circle here.

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TIEN: You mean like this?
[Why does Kami have a sacrificial circle on his lookout?]

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MR. POPO: Yeah.

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Byyee~!

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KRILLIN: Wait, what--?

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[There's even a Pentagram in the center. What the hell are these two doing up here?]

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[Pendulum swinging]
[There's even a Pentagram in the center. What the hell are these two doing up here?]

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[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]

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♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫

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♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫
(With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)

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♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫
(Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)

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♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫

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KING KAI: Alright. Today, we will commence your training.

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GOKU: Woohoo! Alright!
Now, what's my first lesson?

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KING KAI: First, you must--

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GOKU: Catch the monkey!

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KING KAI: Actually, I was going to--

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GOKU: Wheeeee!

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KING KAI: OK, have fun with that.

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NARRATOR: Meanwhile in... somewhere...

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YAMCHA: Wow. This place is a wreck.

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TIEN: I know. The desolation, the ruin, the horror.

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KRILLIN: Where are we? New Orleans?

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[Needle scratch]
TIEN: Krillin!

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KRILLIN [off-screen]: What?

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TIEN: Too soon!

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CHIAOTZU: Huh?

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HELMET: YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS

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CHIAOTZU: (Squeaks)

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TIEN: Chiaotzu! Get away from there.

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CHIAOTZU: Why?

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TIEN: You have no idea where that’s been - it could give you an infection.

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CHIAOTZU: You're not my dad, don’t tell me what to–

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(Yelling)

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TIEN: Chiaotzu! My partner!

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YAMCHA: ...Gay.

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TIEN: Hey! At least I don’t spend all my free time living alone with a cat!

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YAMCHA: Hey! At least I get some puss—

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[LOL]

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*Wow*, that did *not* come out right.

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SPRAUT [o-s]: Hey, Bruzzel, look what we got here.

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BRUZZEL [o-s]: Yes; we’ve got some tourists, Spraut.

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YAMCHA: (Gasp)

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SPRAUT [o-s]: Well, then we should give them the tour.

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BRUZZEL [o-s]: Yes; the tour straight to hell,

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...because we’ll be killing them.
With our own two diabolical hands,

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which are comprised of many sinister fingers,
which we shall use to fiendishly destroy them one by one until--

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SPRAUT [o-s]: Oh, for Christ’s sake, yes – they get it – we’re evil. Shut up!

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KRILLIN: Oh, God, why?!

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[Krillin screams as the Saiyans pummel him]

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Oh, God! This can’t possibly get any worse...!

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MR. POPO [o-s]: Hi~~i. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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[Krillin screaming in sheer pantshitting terror]

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{DING}

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YAMCHA: It’s up to us! We have to attack together!

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TIEN: Right. Back to back. Let’s do it for Chiaotzu!

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YAMCHA: And Krillin!

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[Crickets chirping]

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Eh, OK, just Chiaotzu.

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YAMCHA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
TIEN: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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MR. POPO: Alright. Let’s see how they’re doing inside...

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[Screams of agony from Yamcha and Tien]

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[Screams of agony from Yamcha and Tien]
[Mr. Popo laughs]

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[Screams of agony from Yamcha and Tien]
[His Schadenfreude level IS OVER 9000]

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So, how was it?

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[Heavy breathing and Krillin muttering something about “darkness”]

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TIEN: It was... *horrible*.

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MR. POPO: Good. You survived the first test.

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KRILLIN [sobbing]: Oh, thank God!

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MR. POPO: But I have some bad news...

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KRILLIN: What?

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MR. POPO: You’re going back!

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KRILLIN: Wh-What?

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MR. POPO: Bye!

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KRILLIN: NOOOOO...!!!

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[Pendulum swinging]

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KAMI: Mr. Popo, where did you send them?
[His voice got less raspy. Guess he took a lozenge.]

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MR. POPO: I’ll tell you where they’re not:

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Safe~ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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GOKU: Woohoo! Alright! I caught the mon—

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ooh, a cricket!

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[Thud]
[Bubbles screeches]

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GREGORY: Yeah, I’m Gregor--

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GOKU: I'ma smash him!
[Hammer from nowhere.]

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GREGORY: What...?

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OHMYDEARGOD!

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GOKU: Wee-hee!

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KING KAI: Shut up, Gregory.

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GREGORY [o-s]: Aagh?!
[Hammer impact]

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BOJACK [o-s]: Yarrrgh!

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KING KAI: Shut up, Bojack.

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KAMI: It seems that your training here is complete.
[Oh, the rasp is back.]

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KRILLIN: But, we--

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KAMI: Mr. Popo, do you have any last comments for them?

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MR. POPO: You’re all going to die.

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KAMI: Thank you, Mr. Popo.
[To Mr. Popo's bitches] Now I believe it is time for you to leave.

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KRILLIN: But-- but all we did was--

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MR. POPO: Pecking order.

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TIEN: Aaaaaaagh...!
KRILLIN: Oh, God, get out of my way!

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GOKU: I completed the first two lessons, King Kai.

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KING KAI: Yes, congratulations, you’ve managed to catch
my pet monkey, Bubbles, and give Gregory a concussion.

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GREGORY [o-s]: You psychotic bastard!

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KING KAI: Now we can start on your real training and I can teach you the–

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GOKU: Oh, before you do - could you tell me about the Saiyans?

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KING KAI: Not much to tell you other than they all died twenty years ago.

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GOKU: Uh... Even my Dad?

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[Bardock screaming]

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KING KAI: (Laughing)

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Yes.
[Uh...]

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GOKU: Really? What killed them?

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KING KAI: Lemme check.

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[Dial-up modem sound]

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Let's see here...

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[King Kai reads "Planet destruction" section]

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That doesn’t seem right--

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GOKU: Bored now. Let’s get back to training, King Kai!

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KING KAI: (Groans)

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NARRATOR: And so, one year has passed.

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The characters who actually did anything in the last series, but not in this one,

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have finally found themselves of use and have summoned
the Eternal Dragon to wish back their fallen comrade, Goku!

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BULMA: I don’t get it. Why are we doing this again?

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ROSHI: Because my sister Baba told us to.

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SHENRON: (Growling)

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You have summoned the Eternal Dragon.
Make your wish and I’ll...

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God, it’s you guys again...

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Can’t anyone else find these damn things?
[Guess no one told him about the radar.]

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Aaagh, screw it. Whatever.

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What do you want?

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ROSHI: There are two horrible Saiyans coming to our planet,
and we need Goku to be brought back to life in order to defeat them.

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SHENRON: Really?

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You know you could, um, just wish me...

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...a magical dragon...

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...to send them into an ASTEROID field!

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One crossed wire, and BOOM! Right in the Sun!

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ROSHI: No, you see, as long as we have Goku we’ll be fine.

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SHENRON: Rrright...

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Yeah, OK, fine, whatever.

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I’ll grant your wish. Just don’t come
crying to me when half your stupid asses get killed.

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Uuugh, who am I kidding, you will...
[No, they'll have another dragon for that.]

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[Whimsical noise]

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[Boop]
[Whistle]

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GOKU: Hey, King Kai! I’m alive again!

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KING KAI: Yes, and you’ve conveniently learned
the Kaio-ken and Spirit Bomb off screen.

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Now get the f*ck off my planet!

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GOKU: Alright. And thank you, King Kai, for all the training.
It’ll be a hard fight when I return to Earth...

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...but now, I’m truly confid--

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KING KAI: GO HOME!

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GOKU: 'K, bye!

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{WHOOSH}

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KING KAI: Eh-- Oh, God, what have I done?!

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I’m all alone again!

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BUBBLES: (Monkey noises)

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KING KAI: Shut up, Bubbles!

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GREGORY: Well, I’m still here for you, sir.

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KING KAI: Shut up, Gregory!

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BOJACK [o-s]: Yarrgh! Ye still have--

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KING KAI: SHUT UP BOJACK!!

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[♫ Closing theme (DBZ intermission) ♫]

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[Birds chirping]

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PICCOLO: All right, runt, your training is complete.
Now you and I will take over the worl--!

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KAMI [telepathically]: Hello? HELLO?

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PICCOLO [t]: (Sigh)... What is it, old man?

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KAMI [t]: I just wanted to check in and
make sure you were ready for the Saiyans.

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PICCOLO [t]: R-Ready for the what now...?

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KAMI [t]: Didn’t Mr. Popo tell you?
There are two Saiyans headed towards the Earth as we speak;

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both several times more powerful than the last one you faced.

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They should be landing pretty soon. Within a few days, in fact.

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PICCOLO: New plan, Gohan!
We’re going to kick some Saiyan ass!

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GOHAN: Um, OK?

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PICCOLO [t]: ...You’re still there, aren’t you?

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KAMI [t]: I’m just so lonely...
[You have Popo.]

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PICCOLO [t]: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!