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[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness.
If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]

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VEGETA: Hahaha! Aha!
He’s gone! He’s finally gone!
[This is likely the happiest he's been since his planet blew up.]

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I’m so happy right now!
I might not even slaughter you all!

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KRILLIN: R--... really?

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VEGETA: Haha! Ha! Oho! Oh.

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Oh no; you’re all thoroughly screwed.

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KRILLIN [off-screen]: Awww...

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GOKU: Gohan, Krillin – I’ll handle Vegeta on my own.

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I need the both of you to get as far away as--

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[Whoooosh]

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Where’d Krillin go?

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KRILLIN [crying]: Aaaahahaahaah...!!

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GOKU: Gohan, follow Krillin. Get home to your mother.

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GOHAN: Right, Daddy. Is there anything you want me to tell her?

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GOKU: Yes, Gohan.

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Tell her

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♪♪Coming Undone♪♪

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To put dinner on.

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♪♪Coming Undone♪♪

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Because I'm hungry.
[Our hero, people.]

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♪♪Coming Undone♪♪

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[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]

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♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫

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♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫
(With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)

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♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫
(Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)

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♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫

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VEGETA: Alright, are you ready for this?

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GOKU: You bet I am! But first, why don’t we take this battle somewhere else?

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VEGETA: What's wrong with here?

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GOKU: I don’t know. Something about it doesn’t feel right.

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VEGETA: Well, it is a little corpse-y.
[A little?]

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[Wind blowing]

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NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on King Kai’s planet...

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KING KAI: 'So, the fight is about to begin.'

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'The showdown between the Saiyan elite;
and the low-class warrior, trained by me.'

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Takin’ all bets, guys! Takin’ all bets!

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[Monkey noises]

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BOJACK: Yargh! I bet 50 gold doubloons on the short one.

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GREGORY: Uh, sir, is this really appropriate?

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If Goku loses, the entire Earth could be destroyed.

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KING KAI: ...You were saying...?

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GREGORY: D’ah. 1,000 zeni on Goku.

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NARRATOR: Hey, can I get in on this?

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KING KAI: Wait a second! Don’t you already know the outcome of the fight?

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NARRATOR: N-- noooo~

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GOKU: This is it!

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VEGETA: Ah, yes. A *perfect* place to mark your grave.

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GOKU: Listen. We don’t have to do this, you know.

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If you leave now and promise to never come back,

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I’ll let you go.

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And we can stop this meaningless bloodshed.

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VEGETA: Such tripe! Where’s your Saiyan pride, Kakarot?
[Blame the head trauma.]

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We are proud warriors - bred to fight and conquer!

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This planet has made you soft.

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GOKU: Are you sure about this? Because even if you’re a little~ sorry--

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VEGETA: No! I'm not sorry!

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GOKU: Are you absolutely sure you--

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VEGETA: Yes! I am entirely sure!

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I’m going to obliterate you and the rest of this planet myself with my own two--

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GOKU: Kaio-ken!!

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VEGETA: Kaio-wha--

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GOKU: AAAH!
VEGETA: Kaio-wha--uwagh!

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[Goku grunts]

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[Vegeta panting]

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Okay, not bad... but still nothing compared to me.

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Now witness the power of a Saiyan elite!

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GOKU: Elite? What's that mean?

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VEGETA: It means I’m of the upper class. A finer breed!
The highest grade of warrior!

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[Wind blows]

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(Sigh), okay, consider yourself beef jerky while I’m filet mignon.

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GOKU: Oooh, I like both those things!

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VEGETA: I’m going to start beating you now.
I don’t know when I’ll stop.

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GOKU: Hopefully before dinner.
'Cause I told Gohan to tell Chi-Chi that--

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AH! Unh!

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VEGETA: Hah! What’s wrong, Kakarot? Can’t keep up?!
[Why fire exactly?]
[Better question: Why doesn't he do that more?]

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I told you, Kakarot. There’s no way you can measure up to an elite like me!
You’re fighting a losing battle here!

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You may as well just surrender this pathetic planet now and--

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GOKU: KAIO-KEN TIMES *THREE*!

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VEGETA: Times wha--?

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AAAAAGHHH--!!

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This... proves... nothing...!
[It kinda does...]

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GOKU: Are you okay in there?

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VEGETA [o-s]: Yah. I’m fan-f**king-tastic.
Nothing but gumdrops and ice cream in here.

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GOKU: Oh, really?! Can I come in too?!

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VEGETA [o-s]: I’m surrounded by idiots...

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GOKU: I thought you were surrounded by gumdrops and ice cream…

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VEGETA: WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

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I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!
I WILL NOT BE HUMILIATED BY A LOW-CLASS WRETCH!

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GOKU: Aww, sounds like somebody’s got an ice cream headache!

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VEGETA [Done with this shit]: THAT’S IT! EVERYONE DIES!

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SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR PLANET, KAKAROT!

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GOKU: Well that's not very nice...

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VEGETA: OF COURSE NOT! I’M F**KING EVIL!!

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GALICK GUN…!

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GOKU: Oooh! Did he say garlic--

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VEGETA: HUUUAAAARRRGH...!

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GOKU: ...Oh, man!

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KAAAAAAA

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MEEEEE

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HAAAAAAAA

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MEEEEEEEE

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VEGETA: ...FIIIIIIIREEE!!!

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GOKU: ...HAAAAAAAAA!!!!

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VEGETA: This is the end, Kakarot!

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You don’t stand a chance! I put all my power into this attack!
[That's a lie.]

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Now perish, with the rest of your pathetic world!

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GOKU: [Grunting]

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KAIO-KEN...

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VEGETA: Noooo...!
[Yeah]

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GOKU: TIIIIIIIMES...

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VEGETA: No, no no!
[Yeah, yeap, yep]

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GOKU: FOUUUURRRR!

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GOKU: FOUUUURRRR!
VEGETA: NononononononoNONO--
[Yeayayayayaya--]

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VEGETA: NononononononoNONO--

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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuu...!
[It goes, goes, aaaaand it's gone]

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NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

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[Clock ticking]

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BULMA: Remember when we used to do stuff?
[Nope.]

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You know? Be out there with them? And help?
[Nope again.]

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[Sounds of agreement]

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OOLONG: And remember the Red Ribbon Army?

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[All agree]

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ROSHI: And what about King Piccolo?

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[Assent]

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BULMA: Whatever happened to Launch?

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[The silence is real]

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ROSHI: Who?

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♪♪ “The Singing Sea” from Cowboy Bebop ♪♪

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LAUNCH: (Sigh)
[I miss her]

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NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back at the plot...

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VEGETA: ...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
[That has to be a record.]

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[Panting]

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Son of a BITCH!

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This can't be happening!

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I’m the Prince! I’m supposed to be the best by default!
[No it doesn't]

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[Panting]

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I'll show that little bastard!

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I’ll become the mighty Oozaru, and crush him into the--!

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...Where’s the Moon?

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WHERE’S THE DAMN MOON?!
[IT'S STILL DAY!]

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PICCOLO: MOOOOOOOOON~!
[BLLLLLLAAAAAAST]

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GOKU: Huh?

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VEGETA: Very clever, Kakarot! I’d taken you for a fool
but it seems you’re far more cunning than you let on!

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But destroying the Moon won’t stop me!
We’ve learned to create artificial moons that supply the necessary Bl--
[Bardock apparently created that technique... so there's that]

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GOKU: Question!

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VEGETA: What?

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GOKU: Are they made of cheese?

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VEGETA: I’m going to enjoy this far more than I should.

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GOKU: Ah, uwaaahaa...!
VEGETA: Now watch, Kakarot!

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As your life becomes inconsequential, as I reveal my GIANT MONKEY--
[0-0]

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AUDIENCE: [Aghast gasps]
[Who the fuck shot that angle?]

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VEGETA: ...form!

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AUDIENCE: [Sighs of relief]

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BYSTANDER: Thank God; I thought he meant penis!

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VEGETA: [Growling with a deepening voice]

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GOKU: 'He's getting huge!'

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'That means he’ll only be stronger.
That means he won’t be as fast--'

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OhGodhe’sstillasfast!

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VEGETA: ROOAAARGH!

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GOKU: 'He’s too powerful! I have to come up with a plan!'

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'Wait! I know!'
I just have to think like a monkey! Hmmm…
[But...you are a monkey.]

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[Monkey noises]

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'Hey! It’s working!'

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KING KAI [telephatically]: No, that’s just Bubbles.
Get off my back, Bubbles!

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[Thud]
[Bubbles groans]

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Goku, listen! The only way you can beat him is if you use the Spirit Bomb!

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GOKU [t]: On it!

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KING KAI [t]: And whatever you do, make sure you’re very well hidden!
It’s going to take a lot of time to gather up all that energy!
[Screw campers]

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GOKU: AAAAUGH!

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[Static]

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PHONE OPERATOR: We’re sorry. The number you are trying to reach
has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again later.

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KING KAI: Huh...