[Disclaimer read by Giant Dildo on Steroids]
[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness. If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]
[1:53 to Zero Time] [Underwater explosion]
[1:52 to Zero Time] [Underwater explosion]
[1:51 to Zero Time] PORUNGA: (Roar)
[1:50 to Zero Time] PORUNGA: (Roar)
GURU: Ah-haa...! Oh-- oh... right...
I stopped my heart for a couple minutes there... [A couple, huh?]
Oh gawd... GLOBAL WARMING?!
NAILLLLLLLLLLL--!! [NAILLLLLLLL--!!]
[Groaning]
MOURI: Augh, why is my neck so stiff? [You don't remember anything?] [DBZ logic bro]
VEGETA: (Muffled screams)
(Gasping for air)
When there's no more room in Hell, Vegeta, SHALL WALK THE--
...other Hell; what the hell?
'Well, I have my clothes back, so at least that's a start.'
Am I alive?
[...Kidney punch!]
Kra-ahh!
YAY! I'm ALIVE!
Rargh-hurhg!
DENDE: (Groaning)
[1 minute to Zero Time] Uh-- wha--... I'm alive?!
I'm ALIVE! And...
and I have an idea...
FREEZA: HIYAAAH!
GOKU: UGHH, UGHH, UUH...!
FREEZA: Well, now you're Super Saiyan soup! High in Vitamin Dumbass! [He's not entirely wrong...]
Ahahahaa... uh?
[0:39 to Zero Time] Oh God, what's up with the sky? This planet really *is* about to blow!
[0:38 to Zero Time] Oh God, what's up with the sky? This planet really *is* about to blow!
[0:37 to Zero Time] Oh God, what's up with the sky? This planet really *is* about to blow!
[0:36 to Zero Time] Oh God, what's up with the sky? This planet really *is* about to blow!
[0:36 to Zero Time] I give it, like... two minutes, tops. I better get to my ship and--
[0:35 to Zero Time] I give it, like... two minutes, tops. I better get to my ship and--
[Wait, what...?] I give it, like... two minutes, tops. I better get to my ship and--
GHAAAH! [Fuck it. 2:00 to Zero Time]
[Fuck it. 1:59 to Zero Time]
Stop that! Stop... not dying!
You think you're better than me?! You're nothing but an overgrown monkey!
GOKU: And you're nothing but an overgrown that-thing-Chi-chi-keeps-in-her-drawer!
'Man, Freezer's stronger than ever at 100%! I'll have to stratergize!'
'I know; a distraction!'
Hey look, Freezer! A GIANT DRAGON!
GIANT DILDO: What?! ...Well, I'll be damned!
Immortality-is-mine!
GOKU: 'Ohhh, I am become error...' [This dumbass...]
FREEZA: AUGH!
GOKU: HIYAH!
FREEZA: Will. You. Just. Piss Off Already?!
GOKU: I DON'T HAVE to use the bathroom!
VEGETA: 'Alright, I know one of the Ginyu's ships must be around here somewhe--'
'...Yeah, I think I'ma stay away from that one...'
'THAT, however...'
'Mine-mine-mine-mine mine-mine-mine-mine MINE-MINE-MINE-MINE-MINE!'
FREEZA: D'aaaugh...!
GOKU: AH, MY GOTENS!
FREEZA: Filthy wish-dragon!
Grant me immortality, as so I may rid myself these vile creatures, and secure myself as ruler...
[1 minute to Zero Time] Grant me immortality, as so I may rid myself these vile creatures, and secure myself as ruler...
...of all creation!!
PORUNGA: [Speaking Klingon (Namekian)]
[High pitch whine and bubble pops]
FREEZA: What?!
No! This isn't what I wished for! WHAT'S GOING ON?!
DENDE [off-screen]: Down here!
FREEZA: *Yooou*...! No-ooo...! Noo-ooo, you didn't! [YE-EAH! YEAH HE DID!]
DENDE: So what if I did?! What are you gonna do about it, huh?! Come at me, bro! [Nobody f***s with the White Mage.]
FREEZA: HIYAAH!
Errrgh--!
VEGETA: Hey, Freeza! FREEZA: huh?!
[30 seconds to Zero Time]
VEGETA: Hope you're ready to party, because it's Vegeta clo--!
{POP}
[25 seconds to Zero Time] {POP POP POP POP}
[20 seconds to Zero Time] FREEZA: No!
[20 seconds to Zero Time] FREEZA: No! No!
[20 seconds to Zero Time] FREEZA: No! No! No!
FREEZA: No! No! No! Nonono!
NonononoNOOOOOOOO...!
[15 seconds to Zero Time] FREEZA: No! No! No! Nonono! NonononoNOOOOOOOO...!
[15 seconds to Zero Time] What just happened...?! Where did they all go?!
GOKU: Yeah, I'm not gonna lie; I'm actually just as lost as you.
[10 seconds to Zero Time] GOKU: Yeah, I'm not gonna lie; I'm actually just as lost as you.
[9 seconds to Zero Time] GOKU: Yeah, I'm not gonna lie; I'm actually just as lost as you.
[Meanwhile, on Earth...] [Sounds of birds chirping and people chatting]
BULMA: 'Huh...? Are we...?' Huh?!
GOHAN: Bulma!
BULMA: Gohan!
What do you think happened? [Nothing. Just a mild case of PLANETARY EXPLOSION]
GOHAN: I don't know! We just disappeared all of a sudden...
DENDE: 'Ahhhhh~... it's good to be the king...' [Damn right!]
KING KAI [telepathically]: Hello?! Who am I speaking to right now?!
DENDE [t]: My name is Dende.
KING KAI [t]: Dende?? Are you the one who made the wish on the Dragon?! [At least the Kai said it right...]
DENDE [t]: I am.
KING KAI [t]: How the hell did you know my plan?!
DENDE [t]: What plan? I just wanted to screw over Freeza. 😊
[Back on Namek...]
[8 seconds to Zero Time] GOKU: You know, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not immortal either... and I'm OK with that.
[7 seconds to Zero Time] GOKU: You know, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not immortal either... and I'm OK with that.
[6 seconds to Zero Time] GOKU: You know, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not immortal either... and I'm OK with that.
[5 seconds to Zero Time] GOKU: You know, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not immortal either... and I'm OK with that.
[4 seconds to Zero Time] GOKU: You know, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not immortal either... and I'm OK with that.
[3 seconds to Zero Time] FREEZA [gritted teeth]: Grrrh, hish, gih-gih, urrrgh...!
[2 seconds to Zero Time] FREEZA [gritted teeth]: Grrrh, hish, gih-gih, urrrgh...!
[1 second to Zero Time] GOKU: Are you just mad 'cause I'ma outlive you now?
[Brace yourselves, fuckers!] GOKU: Are you just mad 'cause I'ma outlive you now?
[Brace yourselves, fuckers!] FREEZA [gritted teeth]: GRRRH!
{THUMP} GOKU: AAH--!
FREEZA: HAAAAH! [High pitch whine]
Bigger! {FWOMPH}
Bigger! *Bigger*! {FWOMPH FWOMPH}
Bigger! *Bigger*! *BIGGER*! {FWOMPH FWOMPH FWOMPH}
'Perfect!'
{SPLASH} [MR. PERFECT CELL: No, I'm not in the series just yet, kiddos!]
GOKU: HAAAAH-IYAHH!
[Chirping]
{BOOOOOOOM} [Wrong planet, fool!]
GOKU [triumphant]: Nice try! But you won't be destroying any more planets!
GOKU [sheepish]: ...Umm, except... you know... *that* one... [Meh, 5 minutes really means 9 DBZ episodes anyway...]
Hmm...
FREEZA: BRYEH!
{SQUEAK} GOKU: Ahh! Bad touch!
Kidney shot!
{THUMP} FREEZA: Ugh-hgh-hgh!
GOKU: Kidney shot! Kidney shot! Kidney shot! {THUMP THUMP THUMP} FREEZA: Hgh-hgh! Hgh! HUU...!
GOKU: And pause...!
FREEZA [weakly]: Euh, euh...!
GOKU: ...*Stomach punch*! [Critical hit!] [DAAAMN!]
FREEZA: HAAAGH!! Haa, houugh...! [It was super effective!]
FREEZA [weakly]: Gonna whiz red...
[High pitch/frequency pulse]
PICCOLO: Wha...?
Wha?
DENDE: Welcome back, Nail.
PICCOLO [confused]: Where... am I?
DENDE: May I hug you?
PICCOLO: NO!
DENDE: Oh...
PICCOLO: Gohan!
GOHAN: Aaaahhh? Mr. Piccolo!
...And Dende...? But, I thought that--
DENDE: Turns out that we're all alive!
[Snicker] Except for Krillin! 😆 How (un)fortunate...
GURU: Naiiilll!
Naaiiiilll!
NAAAAIIIIIIILLL!!
PICCOLO: 'I think he's looking for you.'
NAIL: 'Do NOT tell him I'm here!'
GURU: Nail! I can sense YOOOUUUUU! [Well, so much for that.]
NAIL: 'Do NOT make eye-contact!' [Eye contact made]
GOHAN: You know, looking around, it seems like the only people who were brought back were those killed by Freeza and his men...
PICCOLO: Huh... well, that's convenient.
NAMEKIAN 1: Sir, we cannot find the Tagrok tribe.
NAMEKIAN 2: Wait - you mean that one guy who really liked showing off his Dragon Ball?
NAMEKIAN 1: Yeah. THAT dumbass. [And look where that got him]
BULMA: Huh? VEGETA: Oh! I wonder what sort of dashing, handsome rogue
DENDE: Ahh! VEGETA: Oh! I wonder what sort of dashing, handsome rogue
NAMEKIANS: (Gasp) VEGETA: Oh! I wonder what sort of dashing, handsome rogue
could have been responsible for their deaths?
Oh, wait! It was me!
GURU: HA! Nice!
NAMEKIAN 3: He massacred an entire village!
GURU: Yeah, I'm gonna be honest with you... I don't really like any of you...
except him. (Namekian in blue)
{SPLAT}
HA! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-- (Gagging)
Oh, God...! Actually dying this time!
[Namekians gasp] NAMEKIAN 4: Lord Guru! You can't leave us!
GURU: I'm sorry, my children...
[Namekians cry en-masse] but I must leave you now. My time is at an end...
but before I leave, I must confess my sins...
NAMEKIAN 4: What do you mean?
GURU: Do you remember the great drought that befell our planet?
MOURI: The one that nearly wiped out our race?
GURU [o-s]: Yeah...
NAMEKIAN 5: The one caused by those filthy albinos?!
GURU: Yeahhhh...!
NAMEKIAN 3: The ones we purged as per your instruction?!
GURU: YEAAHH, SEEEE... I might have shifted the blame on that one...
[Wait, what?]
MOURI: ...You *what*?
GURU: Remember when I said THEY were the ones responsible for the disappearance of our precious water?!
NAMEKIAN 4: We slaughtered thousands! [But not enough, apparently.]
GURU: It was ME. [CALLED IT!] [So did Freeza]
NAMEKIAN 5: How?!
GURU: I drank it!
NAMEKIAN 3: Whaa--?!
GURU: How do you think I got so FAAAT?!
[Namekians shocked into silence]
And now, I can die with a clear conscience... [But not a clear bladder.]
(Groaning)
Uhhh...
(Frantic groaning)
Uh-oh...
MOURI: KILL HIM!
[Angry mob charge at Guru] GURU: Noooo! NAILLLLLLLL!!!
[Angry mob hack Guru to pieces] GURU [gurgling and fading]: Choke on them...! O_O
[Angry mob hack Guru to pieces] GURU [gurgling and fading]: Choke on them...! Choke on them...! O_O
[Angry mob hack Guru to pieces] GURU [gurgling and fading]: Choke on them...! Choke on them...! Choke on them...! O_O
[Time-out in 5...]
FREEZA: HIYAAH! [Time-out in 5... 4...]
GOKU: HIYAGH! [Time-out in 5... 4... 3...]
FREEZA: AAGH! [Time-out in 5... 4... 3...]
[Time-out in 5... 4... 3... 2...]
[Time-out in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
'Hrrrr! Dirty monkey--!'
Da-uh?! Where--?
...Oh my God, you could grind meat on th-- [GEORGE TAKEI: Oh myyyy~]
BAAH!
GOKU: I'm done.
FREEZA: What?
GOKU: I'm done fighting you. I'm bored. You're boring me.
FREEZA: Wha--?!
...Oh-ho, I get it! You're *scared*, aren't you?!
Afraid knowing that this planet only has one minute left before it explodes! [Are we seriously doing this again?]
Afraid knowing that this planet only has one minute left before it explodes! [Zero Time 1:00]
Afraid knowing that this planet only has one minute left before it explodes! [Zero Time 0:59]
Afraid knowing that this planet only has one minute left before it explodes! [Zero Time 0:58]
GOKU: Question.
FREEZA: Huh?
GOKU: Do you have a watch?
FREEZA: No-oooo; why?
GOKU: Do you know what a minute is?
FREEZA: What...? Of course I do! [Zero Time 0:50]
FREEZA: What...? Of course I do! [Zero Time Cancelled]
GOKU: I don't think you do. [See? Even *Goku* calls bullshit!]
FREEZA: Uh--... but... er...
GOKU: Anyway, I'ma leave now. (Sigh)
FREEZA: Augh, ugh... GOKU: Try not to blow up anymore planets... else I'ma hafta kill ya.
FREEZA: You can't just...!
FREEZA: You can't just... We're not...!
FREEZA: You can't just... We're not...! *You little*...!
Hraaaghh...! Hey, monkey!
You forgot your *pizza*! [But there's no stuffed crust!]
GOKU: Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me--
...That's not a pizza...!
That's not a pizza at ALL!
FREEZA: Now, to end this!
I... uh-huh? Oh, come on now, I... d'agh! This blasted thing! [Space RC!]
CONFUSED AS FUCK: What are you doing down there??
You trying to swat a bee? 'Cause I don't like bees. [Don't *bee* mean. :P]
FREEZA: No, don't worry, I'm just... d'ugh! What is going *on*?! What are these; inverted controls?! Who even uses--
D'ah! Got it! [Took ya long enough]
Damn it! [Did YOU think it'd work?]
GOKU: So are you just stealing Krillin's attacks now?
Or should I watch out for the Tri-Beam? [Tien's]
Or the Garlic Gun? [Vegeta's]
Or the Makakapotamus? [No fuckin' idea]
FREEZA: HIYAH!
{ZCHNNG}
GOTCHA, BITCH!! >:D
Huh? [Not quite]
Iyerrgh!
GOKU: Don't feel bad. Krillin never hits anyone with it either. [Krillin owned counter?] Anyway, you done?
FREEZA: Oh, far from it. I just remembered - I promised you TWO PIZZAS!
[Still no stuffed crust, though.]
[What the heck, Freeza?]
Really?! You seriously think that pathetic million-year-old trick is going to--
[Yes]
'Clever Dick!'
Where'd that flying monkey go?
GOKU: Ah-HIYAH!
{THUMP} FREEZA: DOWAAAGH!!
GOKU: Now say you're sorry!
[Sit back and enjoy... :D] [1]
[2, 3, 4]
[5, 6, 7]
[8, 9, 10]
[11, 12, 13]
[14]
[15]
[16]
[17]
[18, 19, 20]
Are you fucking sorry?! [That's how to play 20 Questions against Freeza. ;)]
FREEZA: 'I think I peed a little (!)' [That's how to play 20 Questions against Freeza. ;)]
GOKU: HYAH! FREEZA: UGH!
Hirh!
I am DONE.
GOKU: Freezer, look out behind you!
FREEZA: I already told you, that trick won't work!
GOKU: No, serious, get *down*!
FREEZA: Oh haha, keep going you stupid, *inbred*, *MONKEY*--
[I don't think he *saw* that one coming.]
Daddy, I don't want to be on Namek any more...
[Juicy splat]