[Disclaimer read by Turtle] [This is your special JOKE HELL!]
[this sh*t so not canon it' hurts] (who takes so long to do all of these subtitles?)
OLD MAN: No! Please! Leave us alone! We were just renting this house! We never meant to-- [shutit...]
FAMILY: AAAAGH!! [Yeah they died]
EVIL MASTERMIND: 'Yes!' [OMG NEW FREEZA!]
'Though this rain may wash *these* fools away, the blood that soon shall flow, no storm shall meet the task!' [Yeah I think the blood will flow away you blue Krillin]
'I will cover this world in a darkness so thick and chilly, the only rival shall be the hell in which I have spent all those years.' [Hello Darkness, my old friend.]
'Brace your brittle selves, you worms!' [Yeah, is Gohan gonna get drunk again?]
'For I, Garlic Jr., shall soon rule you all!' [The creator of the GARLIC GUN!]
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z) [Oh My Kai Popo's Pot is powerful-just look at them]
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: In the Great Lakes near Mount Paozu, there was a breed of Paozu tuna clinging at life in its salt water habitat.
Fished near to extinction by the inhabitants, they are slowly making headway back to a sustainable population.
Oh sweet, salty Christ, no. [Get Rekt Bro]
KRILLIN [off-screen]: H-hey, Gohan! Goin' fishin'?
GOHAN: Yup! With Dad gone, I'm the breadwinner now! [I see no ducks]
[Smooth music] What's with the weird clothes, Krillin?
KRILLIN: Uh, uh, uh! My name is no longer Krillin! [It's Meat Shield]
My new name... is Juan Sanchez! [Yeah, that's what I-- wait, what?]
GOHAN: I'm compelled to ask, "why?"
"JUAN": Well, before we left for Namek, I took out a HUGE life insurance policy on myself, and left it all to my twin brother!
GOHAN: But you don't have a twi--
...wait, your last name's "Sanchez"?
"JUAN": And it paid off in triple because I died off-planet!
They said, "Don't worry, there's no way you're gonna die out in space."
SHOWED THEM!
GOHAN: Well, I'm still going to call you Krillin. [BURNED BRAH]
"JUAN" [o-s]: So, whaddya think of my new ride?
GOHAN: Eh, it's a nice car, I guess...
"JUAN" [o-s]: Not what I was referring to...
GOLD DIGGER: Juaaaaan~! I broke a nail! Can I have a thousand dollars?
WHIPPED BITCH: You can have TWO! [This bitch got a Bulma-level wife!]
Gohan, I am an excellent doormat!
GOHAN: Krillin, how did you meet this woman?
"JUAN": We met at the bank.
I was there picking up my life insurance money, and she was there depositing her money from her night job!
I think she's a waitress or something because she was depositing a lot of fives and ones.
GOLD DIGGER: And me and my dear SWEETY LITTLE Chestnut
GOLD DIGGER: And me and my dear SWEETY LITTLE Chestnut fell deeply,
GOLD DIGGER: And me and my dear SWEETY LITTLE Chestnut fell deeply, TRULY in love.
"JUAN": She says I have a "very rich personality"!
GOLD DIGGER: And a WEALTH of knowledge! [Save me from these puns]
"JUAN": And her boobs are as big as my HEAD! [Can Garlic Jr. Kill you now?]
GOHAN: I have made the comparison...
"JUAN": So! You going to the party tonight?
GOHAN: Well, I don't know. Mom wasn't a huge fan of that Walking Dead theme party.
WALKING ZED NARRATOR: Previously on TFS' The Walking Zed...
{CHOMP}
PICCOLO: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
GOHAN: But I think I can make it!
"JUAN": See ya later, Gohan!
GOLD DIGGER: Goodbye, Gonad! See you at Master Hoshi's! [Jesus, that accent kills me]
["Gold Digger" is playing in the car]
GOHAN: Eh, say what you want. They're a good couple. [Nah, it's like Frieza and Bulma]
[It makes no fuckin' sense...]
NAIL: 'You ever think about buying a house?'
PICCOLO: 'Oho yeah! Let me get right on that with all that money I don't have.'
NAIL: 'Well, you ever thought about getting a job?'
PICCOLO: 'I'm a green slug-man. No amount of affirmative action is going to get me a job.'
NAIL: 'If you say so...'
'By the way, that old guy's been standing there for, like, fifteen minutes; maybe you should say something.'
PICCOLO: 'Ugh, fine.'
What do you want, Kami? [God, you got caught! Geddit?]
KAMI: Mr. Popo's kicked me off the Lookout for the night. Apparently, he has a...
"booty call"... [Let those butts rain!]
[Squeaking mattress] POPO'S BITCH: Jynx!
[Squeaking mattress] POPO'S BITCH: Jynx! Jynx!
[Squeaking mattress] POPO'S BITCH: Jynx! Jynx! JYNX!
[Squeaking mattress] MR. POPO: Shut up, bitch, you love it!
KAMI: Last time he did this, I found five corpses.
He laughed when I said "five".
PICCOLO: Well, what do you want from me?
KAMI: I was hoping I could stay at your house.
PICCOLO: I DON'T HAVE A HOUSE!
NAIL: 'See? What I'd tell you?' [Nailed Piccolo]
PICCOLO: Shut up, Nail.
KAMI: Is someone in there?
NAIL: 'Hellooo Kami!'
PICCOLO: He can't hear you.
KAMI: Actually, I can!
KAMI [telepathically]: Hello there! Who are you?
NAIL [t]: I'm Nail! I'm a Namekian Piccolo fused with on Namek.
KAMI: You do know that technique is forbidden, Piccolo?
PICCOLO: Your *face* is forbidden! [JESUS CHRIST BRO]
NAIL: '...Sadly that WAS the best one up here.'
PICCOLO: SHUT IT, NAIL!
["American Woman" plays on the radio]
BULMA: Soo~, nice of you to bring your new girlfriend here, "Juan".
YAMCHA: Yeah, not gonna lie; at first we kind of thought you brought home a hooker.
BULMA: *Yamcha*!
YAMCHA: Well, we did!
"JUAN": I can assure you that my darling, beautiful Maron is no hooker.
MARON: Well, that depends.
Sometimes I take extra cash in the back room, but those were always under the table so I don't think they count...?
YAMCHA: How much extra?
MARON: How much ya got?
YAMCHA: Well I AM a professional Baseball player--
AH! BULMA: Okay.
First off:
First off: No one screws Yamcha but life.
Second of all:
First off: No one screws Yamcha but life. Second of all: Blue hair? Real original.
Third:
First off: No one screws Yamcha but life. Second of all: Blue hair? Real original. Third: "Juan", don't you have any *other* friends you can take Maron to meet?
"JUAN": Well, we saw Gohan earlier, but he was busy pounding the tuna. [Oh My]
What!? With Goku gone, Chi-Chi needs someone to do it! [OOOOHHHHHH MMMMYYYY]
[He's not wrong. ;)]
ROSHI [o-s]: Eh
ROSHI [o-s]: Eh heeh
ROSHI [o-s]: Eh heeh heeah
ROSHI [o-s]: Eh heeh heeah heeeah
ROSHI [o-s]: Eh heeh heeah heeeah heh
ROSHI [o-s]: Eh heeh heeah heeeah heh heeeeah...!
"JUAN": We also stopped by Korin and Yajirobe's, buuuuut...
[Flashback]
This brunch *is delicious*, Yajirobe!
YAJIROBE: Thank you! I cooked everything myself!
MARON: So, if you two had babies, would they be little fat men? Or kitties? [Man, Maron can burn GOOOOOD]
[LOL] "JUAN": AND WE ARE LEAVING!
KORIN: Probably fat kitties.
[Flashback ends] "JUAN": I don't think I'll be taking her back there again. [good idea]
EVERYONE: Happy Birthday!
{CLINK}
SWEATING TURTLE: Thank you!
Thank you all so much for remembering my 1,000th birthday!
And for this marvelous cake! [Gonna roast some marshmallows, maybe some turtle--]
ROSHI: Isn't that thing kind of a fire hazard?
GOHAN: Well of course, Turtle! You're our very best friend!
OOLONG: My birthday was last week and I didn't get a party. [You shape shift into underwear, do that!]
YAMCHA: You've been there for us from the very beginning!
OOLONG: Anyone remember when I saved the world from Pilaf?
CHI-CHI: Like a member of the family, I say!
OOLONG: Seriously, I live upstairs.
MARON: Oh my gosh! Someone got whoever's birthday it is, a turtle!
Can I have a turtle?
WHIPPED BITCH: Sure!
MARON: Oh! Can it be THIS turtle?
WHIPPED BITCH: Of course!
TURTLE: Wait, what?
DESPERATE TO GET LAID: Turtle, be my wingman on this one! If I get some, I swear to God I will send you pictures!
TURTLE: Deal!
ROSHI: Seriously, maybe we wanna blow this out before something catches on--
{FWOOSH}
AH!
AH! MY BEARD!
AH! MY BEARD! MY GLORIOUS BEARD!
AH! MY BEARD! MY GLORIOUS BEARD! NOOOO~! [Are you younger without that beard?]
[Slow, reflective music]
[Waves lapping across the shore]
TURTLE [o-s]: Hey, Krillin!
Whaddya doin' out here?
Why aren't you upstairs sleepin' with your girlfriend like everyone else? [⬆ Turtles can do stealth insults too ;)]
KRILLIN: Oh, hey, Turtle. I'm just up thinking to myself.
TURTLE: What'cha thinkin' about?
KRILLIN: It's just... I'm not sure if Maron loves me for who I really am. [O Yes she likes Juan]
It's all presents, and travelling, and caviar, an--
TURTLE: Beluga?
KRILLIN: No; Paozu tuna.
TURTLE: Wow, that's rare! [I catch em everyday down in Antarctica]
KRILLIN: And it's just... I just don't know if she loves Juan, or Juan's money.
TURTLE: How much money DO you have?
KRILLIN: Ehh, about 5.7 million.
TURTLE: Didn't you get me a gift card from the Gap?
KRILLIN: Not what we're talking about!
TURTLE: Okay, look - if she really does love you for who you are, then you have to tell her the truth.
Open up to her; it's the only way.
KRILLIN: Are you sure that'll work?
TURTLE: Well, if it doesn't, you could always get her a giant pearl.
[Music cuts-off]
What? Bitch is a gold-digger.
MARON: Okay, first we're going to go by Lush because all their soaps look like cakes and I wanna eat them!
Oh, and I hope you remembered to make those reservations for L' Anus Serré at 7:30!
I hear they're VERY uptight. [Heh.]
"JUAN": 'Man, can I really go through with this?' [DO IT BRO OR YA GOING BANKRUPT]
'She seems sooo happyyy...'
'No! No, Krillin! Stop focusing on that perfect, heart-shaped, pillow of an ass!'
'Tonight, you will tell her!'
'And then you will tap that!'
'Pleaaaaaaaaaase tap that...'
[Slow music] MARON: Oh my God, I just love nice walks on the beaches! [Cue Master Roshi nosebleed]
Oh! D'you think if I swim out far enough I'd reach Australia?
(Gasp)
Oh my gooood~! Can we go on a Sandals vacation?
"JUAN": Listen, Maron...
I need to talk to you.
MARON: Oh don't worry, Juan-ton!
I made the reservations for you, so you don't have to worry about it!
JUAN-TON: Actually, I... need to come clean...
See, my name isn't actually "Juan Sanchez"; it's...
See, my name isn't actually "Juan Sanchez"; it's... Krillin.
MARON: That is a silly name!
(Gasp!)
I'll call you Krilly-Billy!
KRILLY-BILLY: That's... not... everything.
You see...
all this money I own is actually from my own life insurance policy. [Who got the money first?]
For when I died...
on another planet...
blown up by an evil space emperor,
but was then brought back to life by a magical dragon.
MARON: Uhhhh huh...
KRILLIN: But what I really want to ask, Maron, is:
Do you love me for me? Or do you just love me for my money?
MARON: Ohh, Krilly-Billy! Of course I don't just love you for your money!
KRILLY-BILLY: Y...you really mean that?
[Music cuts-off] MARON: I never loved you at all!
[Reality deals fatal damage to Krillin's ego]
KRILLIN: Awwwwwwwww...
Well can we at least still try the "sex stuff"?
MARON: Noo, Krillin! You don't understand!
I was never really your girlfriend.
"MARON": See, I'm with the States' Fraud Bureau, and you just confessed to *a lot* of insurance fraud. Which I recorded.
[fucked.avi]
KRILLIN [o-s]: Wait, you have a recorder on you? Where!?
"MARON": In my boobs!
KRILLIN: Curses! The one place I couldn't reach! [As if you could actually reach there]
...I'm going to prison, aren't I? [Why would you even worry about prison? Can't you blow up a mini solar system?]
"MARON": Well, normally you would, but do you have any idea what they do to guys like you? [What, get pummeled like the Orin Temple senpai-tachi?]
No; you'll just have to pay back everything you owe. [She clearly didn't watch Dragon Ball.]
KRILLIN: Wait, what about all the money I spent on you?
"MARON": You'll just have to pay that out of pocket!
KRILLIN: BUT I DROPPED OVER FIVE-HUNDRED GRAND ON YOU!
"MARON": Honey, I work for the Government! I never claimed to be a good person... [What is the government ACTUALLY good for?!]
[Owned. *Again*. XD]
KRILLIN [o-s]: And that's why I need a place to stay.
ROSHI: I'll go blow up the air mattress...
KRILLIN: I do have to admit though, it's nice being a free man again.
No women nipping at my heels... [You were saying?]
know what I mean?
CHI-CHI: ALRIGHT!
I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO HAS BEEN SPREADING RUMORS THAT I HAVE BEEN FORCING GOHAN TO
- and I quote -
"POUND MY TUNA"!
KRILLIN: Look, Chi-Chi, if it really upsets you, we'll *all* take turns pounding your tuna, okay? [No... Just No]
BUT... only if we get to eat it together. [FLY Krillin, FLY AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN]
ROSHI [o-s]: ...Heh,
ROSHI [o-s]: ...Heh, heh heh,
ROSHI [o-s]: ...Heh, heh heh, hah ha!
ROSHI [o-s]: ...Heh, heh heh, hah ha! AAAAAAAH HA!
ROSHI [o-s]: ...Heh, heh heh, hah ha! AAAAAAAH HA! AAAH--!
[Closing theme]
MR. POPO: (Humming)
GARLIC JR.: (Laughing) The view hasn't changed a bit! [You didn't make Popo cry! Garlic is a lie!]
MR. POPO: Clean that up.
GARLIC JR.: I beg your pardon? Have you any inkling in that simple little head of yours who you're speaking to?
MR. POPO: Oh please, do go on!
GARLIC JR.: I am the usurper of this once proud throne your worthless guardian* holds so dear. [* He who lives in Piccolo's "House"]
I am Garlic Jr., returned from the wretched abyss known as the "Dead Zone", and I have come for what's rightfully mine!
What's going on? I don't remember releasing the Black Water Mist just ye--
OH GOD!
NO!
NO-- GET IT OFF OF ME!
(Screaming)
KAMI: Mr. Popo, I'm back and I--
oh my me, what happened to the Lookout?
MR. POPO: Oh don't mind this, Kami; I just farted after having Italian for dinner.
KAMI: What does that have to do with--
TRUE EVIL MASTERMIND ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): 'Cause it was nothin' but Garlic! [Jr.]