[Disclaimer read by Yamcha]
[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness. If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]
[Cheering]
GOKU: Wow, I can't believe you guys... are all still alive. [Kinda soon, innit?]
I mean, I swore Freezer was gonna Yamcha at least one or two of you. [Poor Yamcha]
Speaking of which - hi Yamcha!
YAMCHA (complete with voice crack): Hey...!
GOKU: So, which one of you guys ex-nayed the old Freezer-fray? [Nexed?]
VEGETA: Well, Kakarot, while *you* were off bumming around in space, I took charge of the situation!
Gathering up your planet's measly excuse for fighters, and spearheaded an assault on-- [Someone stop this man.]
BULMA: Right over here! [Thank you.]
VEGETA [off-screen]: I WAS GETTING TO THAT! [Believable.]
GOKU: Oh, if it ain't you, you old so-and-so!
It's been so long since I... uh...
I... I mean youuu...? [Someone help this man.]
(???): We've never met before. [Thank you.]
GOKU: Oh, thank God!
Or Kami... or King Kai... [or Grand Kai... or Supreme Kai... or Beerus... or Zen-Oh]
I dunno, that whole thing is screwy.
(???): Actually, if it's okay with you, I'd like to talk to you in private.
GOKU: Oh, okay. One minute guys!
GOHAN: But Dad, it's been almost two years!
GOKU: I know, but I gotta go talk to this purple stranger.
RELATIONSHIP-DEPRIVED SON: But I--
OBLIVIOUS FATHER: Yeah, cool.
(???): 'Okay, Trunks, don't be nervous. He's just a normal guy. Just introduce yourself.'
So, you're Sun Wukong, right? [One job, damnit.]
'DAMN IT!'
SUN WUKONG*: I'm Son Goku, yes. [* Legit name!]
(???): 'Roll with it.' I'm Trunks. Nice to meet you.
GOKU: Trunks, huh? So you're the one who whomped Freezer.
TRUNKS: Yes. I was actually wondering... how did he survive Namek?
IDIOT HERO: Well... I kinda maybe sorta kept letting him go...
Yeah, probably a bad call. [You think?]
TRUNKS: If I hadn't shown up, all your friends would be dead.
GOKU: Hoo-boy! The Dragon wouldn't be happy about that one! [Or alive, for that matter]
TRUNKS: Also, I'm curious; when you fought Freeza, you were a Super Saiyan, correct?
GOKU: A super-duper Super Saiyan!
TRUNKS: Well... can you show me?
GOKU: I barely know you, but... I guess!
Hehehehe! Still kinda tickles.
TRUNKS: Yep. That's a Super Saiyan alright.
So, now that you've shown me yours, I'll show you mine! [Takei was here]
[Roshi laughing in the background]
GOKU: Whoa!
What happened to your hair?! It's *yellow*!
TRUNKS (slightly concerned): So is yours...
GOKU (very surprised): IT IS?! [You cant see it?!]
♫
♫ Cha la! Head cha la! ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai! ♫
♫ Sparkling! ♫
♫
BULMA: Blonde spiky hair...
GOHAN: Incredible aura...
KRILLIN: Well, Vegeta, now that Goku's here to compare, we can finally say for sure that that kid's a Super-- [Why do you say things?]
VEGETA: Utter one more word, and no dragon alive will be able to fix what I do to you! [Par for the course.]
KRILLIN: ...So, Tien, have you been lifting? 'Cause you are *jacked*!
TIEN: Yeah, who knows? Maybe *I'll* be the next Super Saiyan.
NOT A SUPER SAIYAN: (Nettled Grumbling)
GOKU: So, a Super Saiyan too, huh? That's cool! Took Krillin dying for me to become one.
Wait, did something happen to Krillin while I was gone?!
TRUNKS: Aahh, hah...!
GOKU: No, but seriously, how's Krillin?! [He's right there; go ask him]
TRUNKS: It's just like my Mom said. You're absolutely amazing, Goku. Now I know that I can reveal to you my secret. [Choice words indeed]
GOKU: A secret?! I love secrets!
I'm awful at keeping them though. Like *the* worst!
TRUNKS: Uhm...
GOKU: Oh, but don't worry! I'll *totally* keep this one, though!
I promise on Krillin's life.
TRUNKS: Uhm...! [Yeah, let's rethink that one.]
GOKU: Ah, okay, you're right. I promise on Bulma's life!
TRUNKS: You promise on my mother's life?
GOKU: BULMA'S YOUR MOM?!
TRUNKS: 'DAMN IT!' [ONE JOB!]
GOKU: I can't believe it! I was only gone for a year and a half.
And already a Super Saiyan. Kids grow up so fast these days. [You think she gave birth to a 5' baby?]
TRUNKS: No, wait, you don't understand--
GOKU: And what? Next thing you're gonna tell me is that Vegeta's your daddy?
TRUNKS: Ummmmm...
GOKU: Oh my Gami-Kai. [Gami-Kairus-Oh]
PICCOLO [o-s]: HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA!
VEGETA [o-s]: What's so funny?!
PICCOLO [o-s]: Your shirt!
VEGETA [o-s]: Rarrrrgh! [It IS a funny shirt]
GOKU: Man, good for them! I'm gonna go over there right now and congratulate 'em--
TRUNKS: I'm from the future!
GOKU: ...For realsies?
TRUNKS: For "realsies"...
GOKU: Whoa.
TRUNKS: Listen. Three years from now, on the 12th of May at approximately 10 AM, on an island nine miles off of South City...
...two creatures will appear. A pair of man-made monstrosities; half-human, half-machine...
...crafted by a mad scientist from the now defunct Red Ribbon Army.
GOKU: (gasp) Androids?! [100% robot]
TRUNKS: Actually, the technical term is cyborgs-- [50% robot]
GOKU: Androids! [okay then :l]
TRUNKS: Look, my point is, they're dangerous.
Each of them, on their own, dwarf even Freeza with their power!
GOKU: And...?
TRUNKS: And they kill *everyone*.
As in Vegeta,
TRUNKS: And they kill *everyone*. As in Vegeta, Krillin,
TRUNKS: And they kill *everyone*. As in Vegeta, Krillin, Piccolo,
TRUNKS: And they kill *everyone*. As in Vegeta, Krillin, Piccolo, Tenshinhan,
TRUNKS: And they kill *everyone*. As in Vegeta, Krillin, Piccolo, Tenshinhan, Chiaotzu...!
The only ones that survive are myself,
The only ones that survive are myself, my mother
The only ones that survive are myself, my mother, and Gohan. [Not even that lasts too long]
GOKU: Oh, wow (!)
Wait, you didn't mention Yamcha.
TRUNKS: Oh... uhm... I mean, he dies, but...
See, after he found out that my mother was pregnant with Vegeta's child, he sort of...
[Well, that's morbid.]
GOKU: Dark. [Goku? Nah, he shows up later]
Wait, what about me?!
TRUNKS: I don't know how to tell you this, but...
You don't make it to the battle either; you die of heart failure the year before.
GOKU: What?! Why?! How?!
TRUNKS: High cholesterol.
GOKU: From what?!
TRUNKS: According to the coroner, too much bacon.
GOKU: You take that back. [Oh right, Bacon Button.]
TRUNKS: But listen!
In the future, my mother has developed medication that will help level your cholesterol.
GOKU: Is it grape-flavored?
TRUNKS: I don't know, yes?
GOKU: 'Cause I don't like grape.
TRUNKS: Then it's bacon-flavored!
GOKU: Yay...!
TRUNKS: Well, now that we have all that settled, I better get back to the future.
It was... interesting to meet my Mom and Dad. [Interesting is... one word to describe that.]
As I said before, I really need you to keep that a secret! One little slip-up, and I suddenly may not exist.
GOKU: Wait, but if you don't exist, then you don't come back in time...
...but then you could never tell me, which means I'd never know, you'd still be born, and--
Why does everything smell like copper? [Better question is what made Goku's brain suddenly function?]
TRUNKS: I tentatively leave this in your hands, Goku. Train well! Until we meet again!
GOKU: Oh, okay! Goodbye, Trunks!
What a nice young lady. Now, to get my story straight...
KRILLIN: Goku! What was *that* all about?!
GOKU: You guys! Androids!
KRILLIN: Yeah...? And...?
GOKU: Uhm... [Oil and water. Numbers and Goku.]
On... Mar-- [Oh no]
PICCOLO: May.
GOKU: May!
Twenty--
PICCOLO: Twelfth.
GOKU: May 12th!
At 10... PM--
PICCOLO: AM.
GOKU: AM!
Nine miles?
PICCOLO: Nine miles.
GOKU: Nine miles off of...
North--
PICCOLO: Souuuth...
GOKU: South City!
Two Androids will appear on May 12th at 10 AM nine miles off of South City!
PICCOLO: In three years; I heard everything. [THANK YOU BASED PICCOLO.]
GOKU: Please don't tell everybody!
PICCOLO (very amused): Oh-ho-ho, I won't!
NAIL: 'I will.'
PICCOLO: Shut up, Nail.
GOKU: 'Kay.
PICCOLO: According to the kid, we all die to these Androids in the future. We have three years to train before they arrive.
VEGETA: Well maybe they'll kill all of *you*, but I'm not afraid of any over touted washing machines.
By the time they show up, I'll crush them without a thought! And then we'll see--
GOKU: Oh, hey Vegeta! Nice shirt!
VEGETA: I...! You--!
GOKU: Pink is a good color on you!
PRETTY PINK PRINCE: 'Just take the compliment...'
GOHAN: Ah!
YAMCHA: Hey! There he is!
TRUNKS: Well, it's time for me to leave.
I'll see you all again in three years your time. But hopefully, you won't need me.
Father, I hope to get to know you a little better next time. [Well, at least he has that.]
Mother...
[LOL] Mother... I hope to get to know you a little less.
VEGETA: Get the hell out of here!
[Tardis sound effects]
GOKU: By the way, I can teleport.
KRILLIN: What?
GOKU: Yup!
Check it!
KRILLIN: But... aren't those...?
MASTER ROSHI [o-s]: Goku just done stole mah glasses! ["Sex Bomb" plays in the background]
YAMCHA: Master Roshi's on the whole other side of the *world*!
GOKU: Yup, yup! I just got to imagine him and "poof" - there I go!
I learned it out in space.
KRILLIN: Oh yeah, sort of forgot the obvious question there but
HOW DID YOU SURVIVE?!
GOKU: Mmmmm-Muffin Bu-- [OMGMK]
GOHAN: Don't say Muffin Button!
GOKU: But it *was*! There's science 'n' stuff!
[Flashback] See, while I was on Freezer's ship...
*There*!
YES!!
Yaaaaaaay--
{BOOOOOM}
But when the planet exploded, the muffins actually formed a seal around me; both protecting me, and feeding me...
[Flashback pauses] ...all the way to Yardrat!
GOHAN: And that is...?
GOKU: The place where I crashed.
[Flashback resumes]
The Yardies were awfully nice.
[Yardrats are gaggling]
They nursed me back to health, and even made a ship for me to come home in!
[Flashback ends] They also kept feeding me their sick. So now, I can teleport! [Well, first it was Freeza's legs, so par for the course, I guess?]
YAMCHA: So, i-if you can teleport, and you knew Freeza was coming...
why didn't you teleport to Freeza's ship and stop him?!
GOKU: Well, I kinda wanted to give you guys a chance!
PICCOLO: *Please* don't make a habit of that.
GOKU: No promises. [Foreshadowing]
TIEN: Looks like we'll have to put ourselves through the training of our lives if we hope to stand a chance against these Androids.
BULMA: Wait! We don't have to do any of that! Hear me out...
We just have to gather the Dragon Balls, have the Dragon tell us where to find the guy who's making the Androids, find him,
then murder that son of a bitch in cold blood! [The Smart and Easy Way]
VEGETA: As much as I love the phrasing of that, I'm gonna have to say no. And by no, I mean hell no! [The Dumbass Hardass Badass Way]
BULMA: Are you kidding me?! You heard Piccolo; none of you survive! [Ooh, it's a lovers' spat!]
VEGETA: And I, as a Super Saiyan, *relish* the challenge!
GOKU: (Gasp)...You're a Super Saiyan, Vegeta?! Show me!
VEGETA: I... well... yeah, I just... I--
TIEN: Don't tell me, you're not in the mood. [Oh, he'll be in the mood. Not for you though. Never for you.
VEGETA (turned off): What, does that third eye make you psychic?
TIEN: No, but it does help me see bullshit. [K.O.!]
VEGETA: Hey, y'know what...?!
F*ck you.
GOKU: You know, to be fair, I'm with Vegeta on this one! I wanna fight me some Androids! I haven't had a good fight since Freezer!
GOHAN: Wait, so, the first thing we do after you get back, after being gone for a *year and a half*...
is train.
UTTERLY OBLIVIOUS FATHER: I know; I'm excited too!
UTTERLY DEJECTED SON: Yeah, okay...
KRILLIN: Welp, guess that settles that! I'm off to go fire Kamehamehas at the ocean over and over!
TIEN: See you all in three years. Good to have you back, Goku.
CHIAOTZU: We're gonna go get McDonald's! [Get those Cinnamelts® freshly melted or not at all]
YAMCHA: Suppose we'll get movin' on, too! Come on, Bul--
GOKU: Wait, Yamcha?
YAMCHA: Yeah?
GOKU: You're my friend. [Hey, that's rather nice actually.]
YAMCHA: Oh, uh... heh... thank you, man. [Ofc he gets no shortage of both sides of the coin]
GOKU: So~...
wanna go drive cars?
PICCOLO: Bitchin'!
♫
GOKU: ♫ I'm on a highway to HFIL! ♫
♫
♫ On a highway to HFIL! ♫
♫
NARRATOR: And thus, they went their separate ways to prepare for the upcoming threat!
However, a few of them would find... roadblocks. [What kind of roadblocks we talkin' here, Kuriboh?]
CHI-CHI: LIKE HELL YOU WILL!! [What the space fu-]
GOKU: Oh, come on, Chi-Chi!
CHI-CHI: Don't you "Come on Chi-Chi" me!
[Goku laughs nervously] You're gone off in God knows where space,
refuse to let the Dragon take you home,
and the first thing you ask for when you get back:
"Oh hey, Chi-Chi. Mind if I take our baby boy to go train to FIGHT SOME MONSTER ROBOTS"?!
GOKU: Androids. And the first thing I asked about was dinner.
CHI-CHI: THE ANSWER IS NO!
GOKU: No to dinner, or no to Gohan?
CHI-CHI: BOOOOTH!!
GOKU: Aw, but Chi-Chi~! Don't be like that! Be a pal!
CHI-CHI: (Screaming)
[Welp, that's a concussion.]{Horrible repercussions await him in the future.}
GOKU: Oh my gosh!
GOHAN: Dad, run!
GOKU: What?!
GOHAN: The worst she can do is ground me, now RUN!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Vegeta found ways to innovate his training.
DR. BRIEF: 500 times Earth's gravity?! That's insane! You'd be crapping out your own spine!
VEGETA: I know; the challenge excites me.
[Easy there, tiger XD] Look at my nipples.
[Easy there, tiger XD] Look at my nipples. LOOK AT THEM!
DR. BRIEF: Fine, I'll build you your ship. What's the worst that could happen anyway? [Nothing good has EVER come out of usage of that line.]
DR. BRIEF: Hm? SCRATCH: Meow?
[EPIC FAIL] VEGETA [o-s]: AH! MY NIPPLES!
[*sounds of studying*]{Did you know that the average human reaction time is about 1/4 of a second?}
[*gutkick to facepunch combo*]{There's about a 1/4 of a second between the last two subtitles. If you noticed the blank space, congrats! You're faster than a Gohan!}
GOKU: *Wow*, he *really* needs to learn how to do-- [Looked like he was doing fine for a minute there.]
PICCOLO: Yeah, I know, still working on that. By the way, how'd you convince your wife to let him train with you?
GOKU: We're on a field trip to the... Ozarks... [In fairness, fighting could be considered a science lesson.]
Please never tell her we were here.
PICCOLO: What are you talking about? We're just studying. [Told ya. ;)]
GOKU: Ohhhhhh...!
PICCOLO: Ohhhhhh...!
PICCOLO: Let's go drive cars again.
GOKU: Yaaaay!
[Q: How is this training?] [A: Mid-air rotations in 400G are no joke...]
BULMA: Are you f*cking insane?!
VEGETA: No, but you're upside-down.
Now you're not.
BULMA: You know, it would be easier to count the amount of your ribs that *aren't* broken!
VEGETA: Work through the pain...! [Crushed, palpitating organs pain?]
BULMA: And exactly how are you going to work when your body collapses? [Eat a senzu.]
VEGETA: Please, the Prince Of All Saiyans does not colla--
aaapse IRGH-ir...!
BULMA: Oh, look at that! The prince of all *two* Saiyans on the ground!
VEGETA: Three and a hal-- tch! Shut up! [4 and a half if you count Nappa.]
BULMA: Oh no! The prince is getting all huffy!
What are you gonna do? Try to blow up Earth again? Because I have Goku on speed dial.
VEGETA: You must be as stupid as he is if you think he knows how to work a phone! [Or that he actually takes it with him wherever he goes]
BULMA: Don't you call me stupid!
VEGETA: Okay, then how about "bitch"?!
BITCH: Arrogant dick!
ARROGANT DICK: Spoiled sow!
SPOILED SOW: F*ck you!
ARROGANT DICK: F*ck you!
SPOILED SOW: F*ck you!
ARROGANT DICK: F*CK YOU!
HORNY SPOILED SOW: My room, ten minutes.
[No amount of punctured livers could keep me away from that either.]
VEGETA: [Repetitive grunts] BULMA: Oh yeah,
VEGETA: [Repetitive grunts] BULMA: Oh yeah, that's it,
VEGETA: [Repetitive grunts] BULMA: Oh yeah, that's it, keep going,
VEGETA: [Repetitive grunts] BULMA: Oh yeah, that's it, keep going, right there,
VEGETA: [Repetitive grunts] BULMA: Oh yeah, that's it, keep going, right there, right there~,
VEGETA: [Repetitive grunts] BULMA: Oh yeah, that's it, keep going, right there, right there~, yes,
VEGETA: *Galick*... BULMA: yes...
VEGETA: *Galick*... *Gun*... BULMA: yes... *yes*...
VEGETA: *Galick*... *Gun*... *FIRE*~!!! BULMA: yes... *yes*... *YES*~!!!
BULMA: Oh...
VEGETA: Haaa... BULMA: *wow*...
VEGETA: yup...! BULMA: whew!
BULMA: Gotta admit... even with the broken ribs, you really...
BULMA: wait...
VEGETA: What?
BULMA: Where's your condom?!
VEGETA: The *fuck's* a condom?! [I honestly buy this as canon for the real show.]
♫
PICCOLO: ♫ Dodge, bitch! ♫
♫ Get out the way ♫
♫ Get out the way, bitch ♫
♫ Get out the way ♫
ABUSED CHILD: (Exhausted moaning) [Why are you still here?]