[Disclaimer read by Oolong]
[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness. If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]
"ANDROID" 18: Seriously, can we speed this up? It's cold as tits up here.
"ANDROID" 17 [off-screen]: Y'know, maybe if you stopped whining and helped me look, we'd... oh, oh look, there's one. There's...
Actually, second thought, we don't *have* to steal the first one we see.
18: Oh I'm sorry, I can't hear you over your welching.
17: Hukgh, whatever.
CHUCK [o-s]: So Jones, uh, how's the wife and kids?
JONES: Still dead, Chuck. Been four months.
CHUCK: Oh... [Awkward...]
I am terrible at small talk.
JONES: Yes. You are.
Uh?
17: Huh, "Lucky Foods". Kind of ironic.
JONES: Uh, young man? Need you to stay out of our van.
17: Alright guys, we're taking the van.
No buddy, we're gonna drive it.
ANDROID 16: Oh...
sorry.
17: It's cool. Now you have a place to sit.
16: Affirmative.
Shotgun.
17: Not quite what that means, but hey, keep trying, man.
Bitchin'. Next stop - Casa de Goku.
18: How 'bout no? New clothes first, Goku's "casa" second.
17: T'heh. Women... Am I right, Sixteen?
16: Confirmed: She is female. [Blunt guy is blunt.]
17 [o-s]: T'hah! She is.
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
KRILLIN: Y'know, I should have brought this up earlier, but we should probably move Goku before the Androids get to his house.
TRUNKS: It's been pretty non-stop here, so I'm a little out of the loop. What happened to Goku?
KRILLIN: Oh, uh, he didn't take his medicine; grape-flavored. Go figure.
TRUNKS: Yeah... go figure...
TENSHINHAN: Actually, I really need to go pick up Chiaotzu. Left him over at Kame House.
CHIAOTZU: So - how do you like my Chashu Ramen?
{GULP}
OOLONG: Wow, that is frickin' tasty! What's in this?
CHIAOTZU: Little bit of sake, soy-sauce, beansprouts,
poooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr [Fact: "Chashu" is Japanese braised pork XD]
k... [Fact: "Chashu" is Japanese braised pork XD]
SWINE CANNIBAL: I'm delicious...!
MASTER ROSHI: How old are you?!
TENSHINHAN: So, I'm going to go grab him before things get... *weird*.
KRILLIN: Later, Tien!
I can never read that guy...
Wait, before we go in, uh,
TRUNKS: Uh, huh? KRILLIN: I wanted to ask:
You ever think that Android 18 is, uh, kind of...
cute?
[The silence is real]
TRUNKS: ...No.
KRILLIN: Alright then - dibs; by the way, quick warning!
Be super nice to Goku's wife, she can be a total--
(Pained griping) CHI-CHI: Gohan! Oh... it's you.
KRILLIN: Yeah, fine, I pretty much asked for that one.
{DING}
YAMCHA: Huh? Hey, guys! How it is?
TRUNKS: Oh, uh, Yamcha, right? How's it ha-- I mean, how you doing? [Smooth.]
YAMCHA: Oh, you know... hanging in there.
TRUNKS: Ughhhhhhh...
YAMCHA: So, what happened? Did Vegeta clean up the Androids?
KRILLIN: Not quite...
* Turns out there were three more
* Vegeta got his arms broken
* They beat everyone up
* Piccolo flipped out
* And *I* got kissed by the cute one.
YAMCHA: ...The clown?
[LOL] KRILLIN: No no no, there's a girl now.
YAMCHA: I don't believe you.
TRUNKS: You know, we should probably continue this conversation after we've moved Goku.
YAMCHA: Move Goku? But he finally stopped screaming!
GOKU [o-s]: Gwaaaaaw...
YAMCHA: N'okay, well-well, he's petering out.
KRILLIN: We'll take him to Kame House! They'll never look for him there! [Or you could fly him up to the Lookout?]
YAMCHA: That is literally the second place they'll look.
KRILLIN: Look, we're short on time *and* options. And who knows what those dastardly Androids are doing? [GO TO THE LOOKOUT!]
18 [unimpressed]: Wow, you actually pulled over.
17 [having fun]: No no no, this is gonna be great, shut up.
TEX: You two! This vehicle has been reported as stolyn! You are under arrest!
AVERY: Sir, I have checked the vehicle and I have identified another male.
And he is f*cking biiiig!
16: You cannot sit in the back. I called shotgun.
AVERY: He has a weapon!
TEX [o-s]: Cuff him!
AVERY: Do we have any bigger...
stronger cuffs?
TEX [o-s]: Yeah, they're in the car.
TEX: [Catching flies] AVERY: [Evacuating himself]
18: Alright, I take it back. This is fun!
YAMCHA: So, where's Vegeta during all this, anyway?
KRILLIN: Oh, I'm sure he's off somewhere...
VEGETA: GODDAMMIT! SHIIIII...!!
KRILLIN: ...*coping*. [Heh.]
CHI-CHI: GOHAAAN~!
GOHAN: 'Oh, good...'
CHI-CHI: Oh, I swear I am never letting you get away from me again.
We're gonna get that GPS tracking chip installed in your neck by the end of the week!
GOHAN: Uh, little help?
KRILLIN: Androids are coming! Gotta move your dad! Get on the ship!
GOHAN: Where are we going?
KRILLIN: Kame House.
GOHAN: Isn't that literally the second place they'll look?
KRILLIN: Less lip, more ship!
TENSHINHAN: I'm here for Chiaotzu.
We need to train.
CHIAOTZU: But Tien, the doctor said if your shoulders get any bigger--
MUSCLE TOWER: That's why we don't see him anymore.
MAS. ROSHI: Wait, so you didn't beat the Androids?!
TENSHINHAN: Well, they broke both of Vegeta's arms...
so you know, that was pretty fun. Otherwise, it was a total wash.
OOLONG: I can never read that guy...
MAS. ROSHI: Welp, you heard the man. Pig, fetch my laptop.
We're gonna buy us a submarine!
OOLONG: Alright, but you're not allowed to name it after your junk.
MAS. ROSHI: Bitch, I'm buyin' it, I'm namin' it!
[Mr. Popo is still on one of his benders.]
[Then again, when *isn't* he?]
KAMI: Mmm.
PICCOLO: Mm?
KAMI: Hnn?
PICCOLO: Hnn?
KAMI: Hghn!
PICCOLO: Hn?!
KAMI: Hmm...
PICCOLO: Hghmm...!
NAIL: '*Oh, just fuck already*!'
YAMCHA [o-s]: So, both arms, huh?
KRILLIN: Both. She was beautiful with a capital B--
I-I mean brutal!
Uncomfortably brutal!
...I wasn't distracted by her eyes... [He was.]
GOHAN: So wait, Trunks? I'm curious....
If you came back in time again to help us, does that mean we already failed?
TRUNKS: Actually - turns out that's not how time-travel works.
KRILLIN: So you're saying I can't just take your Time Machine, go back in time, and tell myself not to date Maron?
TRUNKS: I don't know who that is... but, no, you couldn't. I mean, you could, but it wouldn't be the same you!
You see, when I traveled back to the past, I'm... technically going to a different universe.
GOHAN: Oh - you mean Multiverse Theory?
TRUNKS: Wait, what?
GOHAN: Yeah.
With every decision, it creates a branch in the timeline. [Who'd have thought you'd get a science lecture during an abridged series?]
Whenever you travel back in time, you're actually entering another parallel universe. [Who'd have thought you'd get a science lecture during an abridged series?]
TRUNKS: How could you possibly--?
GOHAN: I've been studying theoretical physics... although at this point, I guess it's just physics.
CHI-CHI: Good. Then if that's all out of the way, we can start your review on cellular biology!
GOHAN: Aw, but cells are *boring*! [Ow, the irony hurts.]
YAMCHA: I don't get it.
If it doesn't affect your timeline, why even come back to ours and tell us anything in the first place?
TRUNKS: Well, besides wanting to make at least one timeline without the world being destroyed...
my mother didn't tell me until AFTER I'd already done it once.
KRILLIN: ...And then she tried to bang you~...!
[Ringtone]
TRUNKS: Uh-huh?
KRILLIN: Oh, speak of the devil! That's her ringtone.
TRUNKS: What is *that*?
YAMCHA: What is what?
TRUNKS: This music!
KRILLIN: You mean country music?
TRUNKS: Oh!
*This* is country music?
KRILLIN: What, you don't have country in the future?
TRUNKS: No! Shortly after I was born it all just... vanished.
Nobody knows exactly what happened.
YAMCHA: So, someone wanna get that? Kinda flying the plane...!
KRILLIN: Aw, fine.
{BEEP}
Krrillin~ sp--
BULMA: Shut up, I've got some important news.
KRILLIN: Good or bad news?
BULMA: It depends. Is Trunks there?
KRILLIN: ...Is this a booty call?
BULMA [via phone]: *Krillin*!
KRILLIN: Right behind me!
TRUNKS: Hi, Mom...
BULMA: Hey...
[Never has the phrase "I'll be your Mommy" (ep #34) been so awkward & ironic...]
[Gunshot]
YAJIROBE [vp]: Ya missed me, four-eyes!
DOCTOR BRIEFS [o-s]: That was a warning shot, fat-ass! Now put down the fridge!
YAJIROBE [vp]: Viva la honey-baked ham!
[Gunshots]
BULMA: ...Yeah, anyway, I just got the strangest call from some farmer in the countryside fifty miles out of Ginger Town...
said he found one of our vehicles out there.
KRILLIN [sarcastic]: Wow, this is so interesting, does it have anything to do with the *Androids* we're fighting?
BULMA: Shut up, and it might.
[Fax dialtones] I'm faxing over the picture he took.
[Fax dialtones] KRILLIN: You have a *fax* machine?
[Fax dialtones] TRUNKS: What's a fax machine?
[Fax dialtones] KRILLIN: You see; that one makes sense.
BULMA [vp]: Just shut up and show it to Trunks!
TRUNKS: What?
No, this can't be right!
This is my Time Machine!
KRILLIN: Maybe you misplaced it.
TRUNKS: That's impossible; I put it away in its capsule!
GOHAN: Are you sure?
TRUNKS: Of course I'm sure. Here, just let me show you.
KRILLIN: WAIT, NO!
{CRASH}
TRUNKS: Oh, no! [Screams of terror]
KRILLIN: Oh, my God! [Screams of terror]
YAMCHA: It's on top of Goku! [Screams of terror]
GOHAN: Dad!
KRILLIN: Put it back, put it back, put it back!
[Goku screaming]
YAMCHA: Oh good, that's back... [Goku screaming]
[♫ Closing theme (DBZ intermission) ♫]
18: So, I've been thinking about it... what do we do after we kill Goku?
17: Whatever the hell we want! [Like range a park, maybe? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯] Who's gonna stop us?
16: Not Goku.
17: *Exactly*. Speaking of which, Sixteen - what's our ETA?
16: We are currently 2,544 miles from our destination.
18: Ohhh, my God... 16: We are currently 2,544 miles from our destination.
17: Hey, come on sis, it ain't so bad! Let's turn on our good old friend, the radio.
[Country music plays]
18: Oh, that is ten pounds of nope in a five pound bag.
17: Right right, sorry. Forgot we were out in the sticks.
18: You know what? I think I know the first thing we're gonna do.