[Disclaimer read by Kami]
[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness. If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]
[Van idling]
[Yamcha's Country Re:REMIX playing in background]
"ANDROID" 18: This is, the best, you've got?
STORE CLERK: That is our top o' the line! How do ya like it?
18: "Like" is a strong word. So is "tolerate".
"Hate's" actually looking a little weak right now.
STORE CLERK: Oh, but darlin', you look like the most beautiful rose in a rose garden!
I'm sure if I came home with you, my Daddy might even love me again!
18: And that is my cue to leave! Later, cowboy.
STORE CLERK: Uh, sweetheart, you gotta pay for those!
Uh, c-c-cash or credit!
The register's on the inside!
[muffled] You are getting into your car!
You are driving away, aaand I have been robbed.
YOU BLONDE BIMBO! YOU GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!
[Tires screech]
[Vehicle reversing]
Oh, no, nonononononono! [Welp, he's dead.]
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
[Beeping]
TRUNKS: Alright, we should be getting close to the site!
GOHAN: Um, Mr. Trunks?
TRUNKS: What's up?
GOHAN: If you don't mind me asking, you know me in the future, right?
TRUNKS: Yeah, actually, you were my mentor.
GOHAN: Oh, wow! What is adult me like? [Dead]
TRUNKS: Well, I suppose you take a lot after your father.
GOHAN [suddenly worried]: ...In what regard?
TRUNKS: You're the strongest, bravest warrior on the planet.
GOHAN [relieved]: Okay, good.
By the way, why do you keep staring at my arm?
TRUNKS: Oh, uh... hey, what's that?
GOHAN: Oh!
TRUNKS: Well, this definitely looks like my Time Machine.
But, it also looks like it's been here for ages.
GOHAN: Ooh, a mystery!
I never get to solve mysteries! Like Sherlock Holmes or Batman!
Usually we're just busy fighting people. Like Bruce Lee!
Or Batman!
BULMA: Heeey!
GOHAN: Oh look, your Mom's here!
TRUNKS: Oh, good...
BULMA: Hey there, Gohan!
And...
...son.
TRUNKS: ...Mother.
[9000 levels of awkwardness right here...]
BULMA: So, is that your Time Machine?
TRUNKS: Well, it looks like mine, but it can't be mine!
{CLICK}
[Capsule opening sound]
This one here's the one I used to travel back in time with.
If you'll notice, it has the word "Hope" written on the side.
So unless this one has it written on it in the same place, we--
...Oh.
Crapbaskets.
GOHAN: Oh, you say that too.
BULMA: Wait... why "Hope"?
TRUNKS: Because you called me our last hope.
BULMA: Holy crap, that's so cheesy! What, do I have, like, a ton of cats, too?
GOHAN: Hey, anyone else notice the hole on the top?
BULMA: Huh, weird. Do you think whoever was piloting it was attacked?
DETECTIVE SON: Actually, I don't think so.
Considering the curvature of the melted glass... combined with the lack of any glass or damage in the cockpit...
we're safe to assume... whatever shot the canopy...
came... from the *inside*!
TRUNKS: And what does that tell us?
GOHAN: Um... that the blast came from the inside... [Or the person didn't know how to open it.]
TRUNKS: Here...
[Whirring]
Huh.
So, any idea what these are?
GOHAN: Oh, I think I kicked an alien that looked like that, once. [Dodoria came from an egg? You learn something new everyday.]
BULMA: Hey, lemme get a look at it! I wanna help too!
{CLUNK}
As the daughter of the world's leading-class scientist, with doctorates in both bio-engineering and evolutionary biology, I can only deduce...
{CLUNK}
...that this is a mutant coconut.
{CLUNK} Either that or an egg.
GOHAN: An egg? (Gasp) I know!
Trunks! Whatever made that hole, hatched from this egg!
You keep examining the Time Machine! I'm gonna go search for clues!
TRUNKS: Well at least one of us is having fun with this.
{CLUNK CLUNK}
{CLUNK}
Two of us.
[Pac-Man sound effect] [That is one mutant Pac-Man]
KRILLIN: And then they flew off! God only knows where they are now!
Thanks for letting us keep Goku here, by the way.
ROSHI: Yeah, that's nice. So there's a HOT one now?
KRILLIN: Oh yeah, like you wouldn't believe!
Her eyes are this beautiful, piercing, blue; her confidence is *stunning*; and she does this adorable little thing with her hair where she brushes it out of the way--
ROSHI: Fantastic! How's the rack?!
TURTLE [off-screen]: Uh, Master Roshi, Goku's sweating purple. Is that normal?
ROSHI: Did he eat grapes?
TURTLE [o-s]: I... don't... know?
ROSHI: That boy can't handle his grapes.
Speaking of fruit, what're we talking here? Apples? Oranges? MELONS?!
KRILLIN: Is that really important? (You do remember who you're asking, right?)
ROSHI: YES!
GOHAN: (Humming)
Oh, hello! And what are you?
Hey, Trunks! I think I found a clue!
Either that or a record-setting cicada.
I'm okay with both, actually.
TRUNKS: Uu-aagh!
BULMA: Aaah!
Oh my God, is that thing alive?!
GOHAN: No, pretty sure that this is just a molt.
BULMA: Something crawled out of that?!
GOHAN: Hey, if you guys don't want it, mind if I take it home with me? [I don't blame him; I'd probably take it home too.]
TRUNKS: 'Whatever was in here, might just be the creature that came out of that she--'
{SQUELCH} TRUNKS: 'Whatever was in here, might just be the creature that came out of that she--'
Oh... ohhh no...
Oh, really wish I hadn't!
TRUNKS: Oh, it's all over my hand! GOHAN: Considering how fresh this molt is, it's likely that
TRUNKS: Oh God, it's sticky! GOHAN: whatever shed its skin did so very recently.
TRUNKS: And now it's starting to harden! Oh no! GOHAN: Meaning that it might very well still be here!
[Whirring] BULMA: Trunks-it-was-good-to-see-you-again
[Engine starting] and-Gohan-say-hello-to-your-mother-I'll-call-you-later-okay
byyyyyyyyye~!!
TRUNKS: Long shot, but you wouldn't happen to carry hand sanitizer on you, would you?
GOHAN: Do--... do you not?
BULMA: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
["Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)" ⬇] PHONE: ♫ (Give it to me baby) Uh-huh, uh-huh! ♫
BULMA: ...Eww! PHONE: ♫ (Give it to me baby) Uh-huh, uh-huh! ♫
♫ (Give it--) ♫
[News jingle playing in background]
BULMA [on phone]: What?
KRILLIN: Ssso, you guys are by Ginger Town, right?
BULMA: We were... why?
KRILLIN: 'Cause there is some major shhhit going on down there!
BULMA: Shit of what variety, exactly?
KRILLIN: The not-good kind.
FLASH [on TV]: This is Flash Stormwood reporting live for CQTV here on location in Ginger Town! [Jimmy Firecracker's bitter rival]
HAL [on TV]: Well thank you, Flash. What's the situation down there?
FLASH: Mass unadulterated panic, Hal!
Just moments ago, screams erupted throughout the streets, only to be followed by deafening silence!
Now there seems to be nothing left but a ghost town, littered with the clothes of its former inhabitants!
We have yet to find out the reason why.
HAL [on TV]: Well, do you have any speculations, Flash?
FLASH: Well Hal, I cannot say for certain; however, recreational marijuana use was recently legalized in the region!
So I believe we can all come to the same conclusion!
[Footsteps on TV]
Just a moment, someone is approaching!
Excuse me you terrifying looking gentleman, what are your opinions on the legalization of--
OH MY GOD, NO!
[Screaming] [Slurping]
[Ecstasy]
KRILLIN: Wow, someone should probably go check that out.
ROSHI: Yeah, my stash is running a little low!
(Laughing, coughing)
GOHAN: Hey guys, we're back!
(Sniffs) What's that smell? Is there a skunk in here?
KRILLIN: Oh, hey Gohan. You like mysteries?
GOHAN: Do I?!
PICCOLO: Hmm? Okay, so you felt *that* one, right?
KAMI: I did...
PICCOLO: And you're *still* just going to put this off?
KAMI: I might...
PICCOLO: Alright, I've had enough of this. I have literally been sitting here, meditating--
NAIL: 'Dozing.'
PICCOLO: --*meditating*, for the last... uhh...
MR. POPO: THREE! HOURS! :o
PICCOLO: Thank you, Mr. Popo.
Three hours!
So either shit, or get in my body. [Come again?]
NAIL: 'Uhh, I...'
PICCOLO: No!
KAMI: Listen, I still need to feel the situation out.
PICCOLO: What the *hell* is there left to feel out? Between your cryptic warnings and jerking me around,
I'm pretty sure an entire city is either missing, or DEAD!
You're the Guardian! Start acting like it!
KAMI: Yes! I am the Guardian! The Guardian of *this* planet!
And you wish to *take* that title from me!
PICCOLO: Are you kidding me? This can't be about the job.
The first chance you had to drop this gig, you tried to hand it off to *Goku*!
*GOKU*! [He's not joking.]
He doesn't even look after his own kid! *I* look after his kid more than he does!
KAMI: But it's still my job! My responsibility!
PICCOLO: And that's really good and all,
but if you don't fuse with me, the entire world you're "guarding",
might be DESTROYED!
KAMI: Maybe I'd RATHER it be destroyed than ever have to be a part of YOU again!
[And there it is...]
NAIL: '...Mom, Dad, please stop fighting.'
PICCOLO DAIMAO (sort of): So *that's* what this is all about, huh?
KAMI: No, no, that's not what I--
PICCOLO DAIMAO (sort of): No, no, it's fine. I was kind of a dick. I get that. [Another Dragon Ball reference, in case you're wondering]
KAMI: Listen, Piccolo.
I've been the Guardian for over 300 years.
I've seen wars, sickness, death and worse.
All the while trapped on this Lookout.
Unable to interact with the outside world for more than... moments at a time.
Now the only chance I have left is giving up my free will to someone else.
It's just another prison.
PICCOLO: Wow, I... I didn--
KAMI: It's fine. I'm done, anyway.
You're right. If I don't do this now, we are likely to lose everything.
But know this, Piccolo:
Once I fuse with you, the Dragon Balls will be no more.
PICCOLO: Ah, that's not a problem. We've got a whole planet of our people just waiting to make us more.
SMARTASS: What do you mean, "our people"?
PICCOLO: Stop being a smartass and let's just do this already.
KAMI: Well then, Mr. Popo... I suppose this is goodbye.
It's been... a trip.
LORD POPO: (Giggling) YES! (Giggling) [Is he channeling Broken Matt Hardy or something?]
KAMI: Well... I'm sure you're already familiar with the technique.
PICCOLO: Right.
KAMI: Alright now...
lower.
PICCOLO: Yeah, not falling for that.
KAMI: Hmph. I didn't think so.
PICCOLO: (Yelling) KAMI: (Yelling)
MR. POPO: Oh my God, I'm coming dooooown!!
Whoo, that was crazy!
So did you actually eat Kami or was that the acid?
PICCOLO*: 'So THIS is who we were, huh?' [* Technically "nameless" because he forgot the name his late dad gave him.]
'Hello...?' [No, really.]
'Got real quiet...!'
'Holy crap, are they finally--'
NAIL: [Trolling like a boss]
PICCOLO: Ohhh, of course not... NAIL: [Trolling like a boss]
NAIL: 'Hu-heh, isn't this the part where you chant to yourself?'
PICCOLO: Shut up!
KAMI [in Piccolo's head henceforth]: 'Come now, we should do whatever feels right.'
PICCOLO: Oh, please, no!
KAMI: 'You Can Win!' NAIL: 'You Can Win!'
KAMI: 'You Can Win! You Feel Great!' NAIL: 'You Can Win! You Feel Great!'
KAMI: 'You Can Win! You Feel Great! You! Can!' NAIL: 'You Can Win! You Feel Great! You! Can!'
KAMI: 'You Can Win! You Feel Great! You! Can! Do! This!' NAIL: 'You Can Win! You Feel Great! You! Can! Do! This!'
PICCOLO: Hmm...
KORIN: Hey Piccolo, could you pick up Yajirobe? He doesn't have a ca--rrrrrr, crap!
Well I know SOMEONE who's not getting invited to Sunday brunch! [You know he doesn't eat, right?]
D'oh, who am I kidding? We like him.
LORD POPO: Well... only one thing to do.
[Click]
♪TURN DOWN FOR WHAT♪
["Turn Down for What" by Lil Jon plays loudly] [Fireworks screeching, exploding]
BRUSH [on TV]: Now now now now, now the Libs are surely gonna shout "Racism" over this one, but...
this is just what happens when you elect a DOG as King!
GOHAN: So you think this is whatever came from that egg, Trunks?
TRUNKS: Definitely. This isn't the work of the Androids, that's for sure.
KRILLIN: Not unless they're starting the world's first mandatory nudist colony.
TRUNKS: I'm going to go down there and check it out myself.
I'll admit... after everything that's happened,
I'm a little bit worried I'm responsible for these events.
YAMCHA: Wait! Are you sure you should go alone?
TRUNKS: The only other person strong enough to help us right now would be my father.
And even if I knew where he was, which I *don't*, I'm not sure he *would* help us.
STILL FULL OF IT: No! You see, I didn't f**k up! I just underestimated her! I went in a little too overconfident.
But of COURSE I was a little overconfident! I mean, have you ever met me?! I'm ME! I'm a big deal!
And you know who's REALLY at fault here?!
*The boy*.
"Oh, the future is SO bad!"
Well maybe it wouldn't be, if YOU weren't such a PANSY ASS!
[Power up sound]
Now once I get back in the game, and DESTROY THOSE METAL BRATS...
there'll be nothing left to get in my way.
NAIL: (Snickers) 'Well, this is classic. The moment God disappears, suddenly the Rapture happens!'
KAMI: 'Yes, the irony is not lost on me...'
PICCOLO: 'Could you guys stop talking for, a *minute*?'
NAIL: 'Oh yeah, don't wanna distract you. Might get hit by one of these *abandoned* cars!'
KAMI: 'I've always wanted to drive a car. But by the time they were invented, eyes weren't so good for it anymore.'
[Creepy humming in background] 'Piccolo, you've driven a car, right? How was it?'
[Creepy humming in background] PICCOLO: 'Wait, seriously, shut up. What is that?'
[♪ Creepy humming / rendition of "Mr. Sandman" ♪]
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): ♪ Mr. Sandman... ♪
♪ Bring me a dream... ♪ [Well, this isn't creepy as fuck.]
♪ Make him the cutest, that I've ever seen... ♪
♪ Give him two lips, like roses and clover... ♪
♪ Then tell him that his lonesome nights... ♪
♪ are... ♪
♪ over. ♪
MR. IMPERFECT CELL: Hello...
*friend*.
(Reptilian growl) (AAAAAAAND... pants shat.)
[8-Bit Rendition of Cha-La-Head-Cha-La plays]